Great article. Thanks for posting this! I am a caregiver for my spouse in the stages of secondary-progressive-MS. Even though MS can cause cognitive and behavioral problems, his personality turns out is naturally abrasive ANYWAY. The last 10 years or so it got worse. His foul moods became more frequent. Within the last three years he went from a cane, to a wheelchair and walker, to bed-confined. It's been hard on me but doable. I disconnect from him when he's foul, and also tell him if he doesn't approve of my caregiving then either he or me can go elsewhere. We have regular visits with a hospice-at-home careteam that helps keep everything in checks and balances.
One of the most challenging issues for me was when he and his family went from treating me like his wife and upon a sudden I'm the "hired help?!" We're both in our early '60's and I have health issues of my own although I can still do some stuff well enuff! Sometimes I feel like I'm living in Tyler Perry's "Diary of a Mad Black Woman!" Minus the boyfriend though! lol

This was so helpful for me to read. I matter. My health matters and I don't need to feel guilty for being more detached and less talkative and engaged with my mother in order to feel I am contributing to her happiness as she won't do anything to get to a senior center (though she still drives just fine) and make some friends. The lashing out and making innocuous situations so unpleasant and abusive is really getting to me. I've had enough.

@BurntCaregiver I agree nursing homes are safer than leaving an elderly person with someone likely to abuse them, but my mother is at no risk of abuse. The only way she would be at risk of being abused would be if she was sharing a home with someone likely to abuse her. She is terrified of one of my siblings, but would reach out to her in desperation (the other sibling is so cold, she would just dump mum in a care home). I can't move out or put my mum in a care home because my mum would be depressed either way. I still love her and want her to be happy. And most of the time she is OK to live with. I just wish I could afford to live nearby instead of in the same house. I'm not getting paid to look after her, but at least I have the comfort of a warm home and just one housemate (her). And she is not always in a foul mood. I live in hope she will make more friends and go on trips with them, just to give me some space. She finds faults with all her friends and I have noticed they are pulling away from her. She likes people to think she has a great personality, and she can turn on the charm when she wants, but if someone rubs her up the wrong way she can be quite spiteful.

@Exister

There is no reason why there should be even the slightest risk of elder abuse in a nursing home.
A nursing home is fully staffed. It is not one caregiver 24 hours a day, 7 days a week like it is when an adult child lives with the abusive needy parent they are the caregiver to.

A person goes home after their shift in a nursing home. The family caregiver living with an abusive elder that they care for does not. Their home is the abuse and this creates the perfect storm for elder abuse.

Living 24/7 and being a caregiver for a needy elder who is not abusive can also become a high-risk situation for potential elder abuse. No one should live with the senior they are taking care of and I have always thought this.

There is a history of abuse with my mother. Moving in with her almost drove me to an act of desperation. So I got out. It could just as easily driven me to an act of violence too.

Get out of your parent's house in any way you can. Even if it means moving into one room somewhere. Don't stay for your own sake.

This is why caregivers don't talk about it: people expect them to suffer from "burnout" and start abusing the elderly person. If you are managing to cope and would not dream of being abusive, it is very hurtful to read things like this:
https://www.nursinghomeabuseguide.org/elder-abuse/caregiver-abuse/#:~:text=How%20the%20Abuse%20Begins,they%20require%20or%20request%20help
Victims of sexual abuse also keep quiet because "expert" predict that they will turn into abusers themselves.
This is the way society, and "experts", abuse the victims.

I wish I could take your advice, but I have nowhere to live. I gave up my job and apartment and am as dependent on my mother as she is on me. I would be homeless if I just walked away. I am close to retirement age and can't get a mortgage or start a new career. I understand that my mother is just frustrated at getting old but she is using me as an emotional punchbag. She said she will never go into a care home or even respite. I know all the coping hacks but most of them (meeting friends, volunteering going for walks, getting a pet) are out of the question because she sabotages everything with dramas and emergencies. I am so so tired and frustrated and lonely. I am keeping sane by doing yoga, reading and watching TV. Sometimes she is good company but at the moment she's in a bad mood. She's fully mentally sane but just has a toxic side to her personality which old age has amplified. She has made enemies all over the community and in the family and tried to make me the scapegoat but people are not believing her (she doesn't like it when the neighbours are friendly to me).

I am dealing with an abusive father. Mother died in 2019, before covid. My sister died years ago. My dad told my uncles (his brothers) that I "put him away" (it was the VA who put him in their psych ward, but he blamed me, even writing it in his trust that I'd be written out if I do "put him away"). I knew that he was ill long before my mom died, and asked his brother to come to observe him. He told me to "suck it up." Now, my dad is accusing me of anything that goes wrong in his life. He threatened to put me in jail, for disabling with his cars (I had no access to his home, as his paranoia led him to change the locks on his home). That's the last time I spoke to him. Sometimes walking away from them is the best thing, which I did to protect what's left of my sanity and health. I intend to seek counseling for my traumas and guilt, and get meds to sleep (my dad keeps driving to my home, honking his horn, waking me up). Is this really my life? I wouldn't believe this situation if anyone told me. This is brutal.

Wonderful advice! I'm the caregiver for my dad. He was emotionally abusive to me and my mother when I was child. This continued when I became an adult as well. I recently tried to talk to him about his behavior and he said.. " Sometimes you have to put up with things." Basically he was telling me that I have put up with the way he talks to me, His treatment of me has caused me to be mentally exhausted and has caused me to grow up thinking I was never good enough. I'm 54 and just now beginning to have the courage to stand up for myself but I have wasted so much time.

It's sad but good to know that I'm not alone and that there's many people here who are living in exactly the kind of circumstances I am.
I have been the family scapegoat since I was a little kid. The person my mother took her anger and frustration out on. She needed someone to abuse and I fit her bill. Not my brother or sister because she cared too much for them. I have been her caregiver for some time as well. Not because I choose to out of love or anything like that. I have no other option. I live in her house and cannot afford a place of my own. If I wasn't here she would not be able to live in the home. The fact that I have nowhere to go makes her abuse even worse because she knows I can't fight back. I have taken a part-time job. Full-time being out of the question because of her needs. I've decided to take all the paid work I can get and abandon her. I don't care what she needs or what happens to her or even if I see her again. My sister the success can figure it out how to take care of her.
I'm done letting my mother hurt me. She has hurt me since I was a little kid. I am fighting hard against letting guilt and conditioning stop me from doing what's best for me.
I wish everyone here healing and recovery from the abuses you're living in. Thanks for listening. ~ BC

This article is helping me cope. Knowing I'm not alone gives me sanity but also makes me so sad that so many people are suffering and for a much longer time. My father just got done telling me off and blaming me for all of his problems which includes two doctors who have certified him lacking both physical and mental capacity to make sound decisions. The skilled nursing center has been difficult to deal with as they gave me 24 hours to get him or that they would contact APS to take custody of them. I did pick him up and bring him to my home (150 miles away) but am still waiting for the required Physician's Report to be sent to me before I can start the process of him going to a very nice assisted living facility. During the interim, he is here with me and the emotional torture he is inflicting on me is so bad I'm hiding in my office while he rules my home. I try to understand that he is an alcoholic that developed Wenicke Korsakoff Syndrome but he says things that hurt deeply.... like he really knows how to dig! I don't know how so many care givers have put up with their loved ones abusing them for so long as I'm going out of my mind after just 3 days! My father has always been very hard on me and toxic all of my life and out of love and obligation, I've let this cycle go on..... However, I'm strong enough to know that assisted living will be the best for him and me. I just hope and have even turned to prayer to please have the skilled nursing center send me the physician's report so that I can finally start the admission process for assisted living. Until then, I'm going out of my mind.

I re-read this article when things get bad. I am in the process of trying to move now, but reading over this information helps me realize I have done all I can and I deserve to take care of myself and not remain in a toxic situation.

Thank you for this. I was the family scapegoat growing up. Parent treats me terribly at times. I wish I could leave, but we share a home, with only parent's name on it, despite attorney's advice 10 years ago to add me. I have become disabled, with the reduction in income that makes it impossible to leave. Successful sibling lives 1/4 mile away and "pops in" for forty minute visits once a week if not hungover or otherwise busy with endless social engagements - does not help out in any way.

Today was a torrent of gaslighting and abuse when I reiterated the Doctor's advice. I typed in "abuse of caregiver by elder" and found this website and article. It helps to know I am not alone,

Thank you for a great article! I was just on the receiving end of a jab by my elderly mother, whom I live with and do almost everything for, so your words and advice are comforting right now. I have very little opportunities for respite, time-wise or financially. I lost my part time job in February 2020, spent part of last year looking for work, but the both our health situations took a turn for the worse. She was diagnosed with dementia, and the worsening of the three pain conditions I have have led me to apply for disability. I miss so many things most people take for granted: good health, peace of mind, financial stability, a positive outlook for the future...Fellow caregivers, I salute you and all that you do. All the things that go unnoticed, unappreciated, non-compliance with meds, meals or doctors orders. Fatigue and worry. And, what is probably the most hurtful: the feeling that no one understands your everyday efforts. How the person you are devoting your life to is sweetness and light to everyone else she speaks to, yet treats you like crap. You think no one knows? Well I know. It's all too real.

Glad this article is available, in particular - today.

Great article, Carol. Thank you.

My mom (with Alzheimer's) would tell me to , "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.' " This was over nothing, by the way. For instance, I'd ask her if she wanted grits or oatmeal for breakfast, and she'd tell me that. She would never speak to anyone that way before Alzheimer's hit. The first time she said that, I was appalled. The tenth time, I was mortified. By the 20th time, I told her if that's where she wanted to send me, I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that humor was the best way to deal with these insults. My husband would often mouth the words to me:"It's not really your mother." He was so right. I even wrote a book about taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."

The title speaks for itself: my mom and dog were diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time, and I was the one, along with Hubby, who took care of them. I also would try to find time to go for a walk or go to a friend's house for coffee, and Hubby would watch my mom, even if it was just a 20 minute reprieve. Best of luck.

My former mother-in-law is a big part of the reason I am divorced. She had 3 sons and I was married to the oldest. She heaped all her abuse on him and he took it all, bottling it up inside. I had no idea how it had warped his personality until we had been married for decades. We have now been divorced for 13 years and in retrospect I can see the parts of her that came out in him during our marriage. The narcissistic, demanding, sneaky and outright evil things he did are a direct reflection of her behavior. One brother is now deceased, the other lives out of town (on purpose) and my ex is now left at 80 years old caring for a 102 year old whining baby. She recently had a fall and is now in a 24 hr care NH. I still live win one of his houses so we are in contact frequently. I now hear a litany of all the things he's had to put up with from her. I so badly want to say "Karma's a bitch" but I know it wouldn't sink in.
He spent his whole life (and part of mine) trying to win his mother's approval and he doesn't get it that he never will.
For all of you who are suffering this please understand that one of two things is happening. It could be dementia, so don't take it to heart and protect yourself. Or it could be the persons real personality, in which case NOTHING YOU DO IS GOING TO CHANGE IT. You will NEVER get their approval. You have to accept that and move on.
In any case, take care of yourself, if you don't who will?

Hi - Reading your advice about walking away and/or taking a day to regroup sounds great but I can never get it to work out in my favor to do just that. My husband just last night, advised me to do the same. My problem - I feel guilty by not being a part of her life for a day, for not talking with her to make sure everything is okay. My dad passed 5.5 years ago and that is when my mom felt the need for me to be a part of her life. Basically my entire life, my mom felt no need to be a part of my life when she had another daughter who she adored. Its hard to establish a relationship at this point in my life because all these years all I ever wanted was to have a mom that loved me. She has proven time in again, that the only love she has for me is when I am doing something for her. She claims she loves both her daughters but this daughter gets the tongue lashing each and every day without any letting up. The more I do for her the meaner she gets to me. Not a good word comes out of her mouth towards me. Today, I took a day away and feel guilty that I am not talking to her and I don't know how to overcome this feeling. Any suggestions would be great Thanks!

My mother has been abusive to me my entire life. That is, exclusive of when she abondoned me from age 10-18. Our relationship has always been difficult. The difficulties have always been instigated by her. I always tried to ignore it. But everyone has their breaking point.

Three years ago I had not talked to my mother for six months. My uncle told me she had been in assisted living as part of rehab from an injury for four months. He told me two cousins were not going to take any more of her crap. As the only son I was last man up. No one else in the family, including my hound adult kids want anything to do with her.

I convinced my 88yo mother she should stay at the assisted living permanantly. It provided three meals per day, structure and companionship. She was suffering from depression? I took away her car since she had run three red lights in two years and been involved in an accident where others were injured.

I told my mother I would visit twice per week and take her out to dinner. It was a two hour commute each way for me. I sold my house (planned anyway) and moved to an apartment in the town where she is figuring I’ll move back when she dies. I didn’t think she woukd live three years.

I went to counseling to get over a lifetime of abuse and learn how to deal with her when she became difficult. After two years she became difficult to the point where I visited her at the facility for dinner rather than take her out. It made for shorter time together and less abuse.

I never went for guardianship. She said she would fight it. I didn’t want to humiliate her in court. I was always able to convince her to do what needed to be done with her financial affairs.

Three months ago it became obvious she can’t take care of her affairs. It’s obvious she less cognitively skilled to her detriment. How that for a polite PC statement?

I explained to my mother I saw a lawyer about custody. When she balked I explained it will cost $2,000 if she agrees or 10-20K if she fights.

Two days later I took her out to dinner. She badgered me endlessly on the ride and in the restaurant. Before we ordered I stood up, calmly told her I had enough crap for one day, I’m taking you back to your place.

My mother put on an Oscar winning oerformanace for the restaurant. I refused to respond other than fairly tell her we’re leaving.

Five miles from the restaurant I was pulled over and arrested for elder abuse. The report from the restaurant said it was obvious this old lady is afraid of her son. I spent the night in jail.

After neglect as a child, abuse as an adult, forgiving my mother and trying to do what’s best for her in her later years I’m facing elder abuse charges.

Need help dealing with aging mother 82 years old. She was abusive to me physically and mentally I was growing up. Did not see her for 20 years and then she ended up in the hospital with atrial fibrillation and now she’s on tons of medication. So I have been helping her and paying for her medication because she can’t do it. I have done a lot of legwork on the computer and with Medicare to get her bills paid for her etc. she was very nice to me when she was sick but now that she’s feeling better she is starting to become abusive emotionally to me again. I feel very ripped off and upset because all I ever wanted was for her to love me and she never did when I was growing up and Now I did all this work for her to help her with her finances and drive her everywhere etc. I am very upset and I don’t know what to do about this.

I am typing with only one hand because my 92 year old mother hurt me today. While I was cleaning her perineum region, she purposefully crushed my wrist, twisted her knees and held it, refusing to let go. All the while staring at me with a hateful look in her eyes. There is no dementia, this is all behavioral. My wrist is sprained now, making it almost impossible to now change, bathe, feed and perform therapy. I don't know how I ended up here. I don't know how to go on.

Have just suffered an abusive outburst after caring for mum who is recovering from a fall. I was verbally and nastily and unfairly abused by her partner. My mother is wonderful and sweet and patient. He Threatened my mother too. Mum said it was his Parkinson's talking. I came to this website and boy I really am sorry what you are all going through. This is just the beginning for me and I hope to learn from others. Warm and heartfelt wishes to all you caring people who face seemingly impossible decisions.

I'm nearly at the end of my tether with my 88 year old Mother. Her Narcissistic personality has tried to control me all my life. Despite this I would say I am a strong person and very independent.
My Mothers constant criticism of me throughout my life has really worn me down. On the other hand she continually praises my brother and he can do no wrong!
Now at 88 her negativity towards me has only grown worse. There is no apparent Dementia like symptoms just a more concentrated version of her regular personality.
I try to care for her and my stepfather in their own home. I live 20 miles away and have a family of my own.
I do as much as I can but nothing I do is ever good enough. I have grown used to her 'Black' moods but now they are becoming intolerable. Often she is only verbally abusive towards me but sometimes she is also physically aggressive.
I made a decision that I would just leave their house if she started but this makes me feel so guilty . My stepfather is 92 and a lovely man though now very physically frail. He has home care twice a day and medical assistance.
I know my Mother can be 'nasty' with him too but he is determined to remain at home. He is mentally very healthy.
I visit them every week and carry out a variety of chores.
During my last visit my Mother was excessively abusive towards me and resorted to physically attacking me.I wanted to just leave but my Stepfather was desperate for me to stay. My Mother continued to throw numerous insults at me and prevented me from carrying out any of the tasks I had planned to do for them that day.
I thought my head would explode when she wished that Id 'get Cancer' and told me I was 'Evil' and would 'end up a lonely old woman' etc,etc,
Eventually after 4 hours she calmed down and I managed to leave their house.
Its not a healthy environment for me to be in but I worry about both of them. I still love my Mother but I don't 'like' her sometimes!
Some may say she has mental health problems. If so, why is her behaviour so selective. Towards my brother she only ever loving and admiring!
Thanks for listening folks.

I'm getting to that point with my own mother who was physically, emotionally and sexually (to my brother) abusive most of our lives. I'm now 59 and have been caring for her through her dementia for the past 3 years. I had knee surgery two weeks ago and this morning she has attacked my leg trying to injure my knee. Her behaviour and abuse is escalating beyond belief. Sad thing is that most of her friends think we are horrible and abusive as reported by her. Everyone has tried their hardest to be kind during her illness. I am emotionally worn out. She now abuses and attacks her grandchildren and great grand children. She has absolutely no joy in her life only bitterness and hatred. Sorry to vent everyone.:(

If your elderly parent was abusive to you your entire life (like mine), please give up on the idea of caring for them, so that in appreciation for your sacrifice, you will finally get the love, approval and validation that they never gave you. The “happy ending” only happens in fairytales and in the movies.

What you can expect is for them to be even more abusive.

Any adult who will use their position of ultimate power and control to exploit and abuse a defenseless child (their own child!) is not going to have a sudden change of heart (not sure if they even have a heart!) and start treating that child with love and respect… that happens in the movies.

If you do want to “care” for them, I recommend limiting it to being their Power of Attorney, Healthcare Proxy and visiting them as often and for as long as you can tolerate without hurting yourself… in my case it was once a week for 30-45 minutes.

When my mother passed last year, I did shed tears… not for the mother that I lost, but for the mother I never had.

Just because you were conditioned as a child to think you were somehow flawed, unlovable and that you owed everything to your abusive parent(s), please remember you are a unique human being, just as worthy and lovable as every other person on the planet... take care of yourself, you deserve it!!!

To those who are burdened by a promise they made to themselves or their loved one of "not putting that person in a home;" You have to let it go. You will give up your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well being trying to keep that promise and very often your loved one either won't appreciate it or won't even know that you gave up your life. It breeds contempt. It causes great stress which can often lead to horrible illness. I have 2 distant relatives who are sisters and swore they would never put their elderly parents in a home. Their father, who was once a very kind and jolly person, turned into a hateful old man who became extremely violent every night as he would "sun down." He attacked and fought with them nightly, punching, kicking, etc. He often would wake in the middle of the night and escape the house and walk the highways or manage to get keys and go driving. Their mother was extremely frail and blind at that time, so a bad situation was even worse. But they were committed to "never putting them in a nursing home." Finally, withing months of both parents dying, one of the sisters came down with liver cancer and died soon afterwards. Then the other sister developed Alzheimer's within a couple of years. I have no doubt the extreme stress contributed greatly to this.

There is NO SHAME in throwing up your hands and saying, "I just cannot handle this on my own" and putting your loved one in assisted living or a SNF. The key is to visit frequently, daily if possible.

When my grandmother became an invalid, my mother finally relented and put her into a nursing home. She visited her twice a day, fed her, brought her clothes home and washed them, etc. It worked out great and my mother was very close to several of the workers who cared for my grandmother.

You HAVE to do what is necessary. There is no shame in trying to preserve your own well-being and finding the right mix that will ensure your loved one is taken care of, but you are taking care of yourself as well.

As a caregiver, I often am the target of my mom's Alzheimer's anger and she does things like refuses to take medications at times and does things to get on my last nerve (for the most part I use psychological ploys and even trick her to take her meds)--but sometimes she does not take enough because she spit it out at me. What can I do about it? Nothing. Except take it. I try to remember that's part of her disease but that does not diminish how feeling hopeless and frustrated. In exchange for this abuse I can barely work and when I can it's out of my best friend's generosity to sit with her. Otherwise to hire someone I'd be losing money (it costs more money to hire a sitter than to work-it's that expensive). I have neglected my health (emotionally and physically) and everyday I feel no joy waking up knowing I have another day--means another battle to take care of her. The trouble starts the moment she wakes up. There is nothing glorious about being a caregiver to a very old, feeble, confused woman..but she is still my mother, and I have to remember when she dies, she's gone forever. Despite all the abuse I have to endure, I can't imagine life without her. So being her caregiver after all of these years made me an emotional cripple as well.

Is there anything I can possibly do to stop my mother from telling straight up lies to my father? Since he retired she's telling my father things that aren't true at all. He believes her. She tells him things that I've never said and never did. I don't understand why this is happening. If anyone has any insight on why this is happening please give me some kind of reason that this is happening towards the end of my father's life. He's very ill and doesn't have much time left. Yes I still love my mother. But it hurts so bad.

I sincerely thank anyone who has had the nerve to post here. For years, I was humiliated, thinking that it must be me. It certainly sounds like this is more typical than atypical. That doesn't make it easier, just less humiliating. It's sort of like belonging to a secret club. And - to the person who mentioned that her mother was abusive to them when they were children - that generation didn't think of it as abuse. To listen to my mother, you'd think I lived in a "Father Knows" Best episode.

Oh yeah, what do you do when they start saying they would kill themselves if they had the nerve, or I wish I would not wake up. Other than make sure they're safe in their surroundings, I can't think of anything other than try to help them think of things to be thankful for. It is hard to hear this day in and day out. And other family members don't understand why I can't just deal with it and not let it affect my day, or my mood. Easier said than done.