Yep! Holidays are stressful. I care for my mother who has dementia and likes to plan the "Great Escape". Unfortunately for her, I have sensor alarms on the doors and windows not to mention that the gates are locked.

I work full time and I pay a caregiver during the day to watch her. I also watch my grandson 3-evening a week because my daughter works 12-16 hr nights. (She is a nurse at a terminal care unit). When I get home I feed the dogs, cats, and birds. I clean up what mess has occurred during the day. I make dinner, have my grandson do his home work and spend a few minutes asking my mother how was her day. (She usually complains about everything). I clean up the dinner dishes, get everyone bathed and ready for bed. (my mother and grandson).

I put up a Christmas tree and I put the lights on. I let my mother decorate it. It took her 3 hrs to decorate with ornaments and tinsel. It is very beautiful. I put up the bells that ring to 3 different Christmas tunes. Purchased earplugs to mute the tunes that play over and over and over. After my mother's nap, she got angry and started pouting because I didn't let her decorate the tree. Even when I showed her the pictures of her decorating the tree. It didn't matter.

When I got home from work, the gifts were opened and some of them were damaged. She had snuck the gifts from under the tree, went to her room and opened them. The caregiver was using the bathroom at the time. Oh well, here we go again. I've learned to Christmas shop online because it is usually hassle free. Did I mention that my mother has sun downers, so that I only average 4-5 hrs sleep a night.

I take a deep breath and say it could be worse, I could be living in a small one bedroom apartment and jobless taking care of her. Instead of living in a 2-bedroom house with a fenced yard. I also encourage myself by saying "In my next life, things will be a lot better and easier."

Welllllllllll ... with the additional sibling dysfunction I experienced while taking care of Mom, it was even more extreme than your article! LOL!! I asked my daughter what SHE wanted for Christmas and other Holdiays and let her determine the traditions she wanted to enjoy. Now that Mom has passed, my siblings still don't include us, and my husband's family is 3 states away, we do our own thing: small meal, long drive and a movie most of the time. I decorate the house for me. It's not the same. It's not as it "should" be. But it works for us. And when we can go visit my husband's family ... it's GLORIOUS!

And your comment: "Remember your parents and how they coped with the aging of their own parents ..." is BRILLIANT!! Mom & Dad did it, so I can, too! Thank you!!

BUY the cookies, don't bake them; or better yet don't have them at all (sugar: not good)! Also, not everyone derives as much happiness from the holiday rituals as others. During a time of stress we were forced to experiment with a truly minimal holiday: no decorating, no baking but just only kept the thing that mattered to our family, which was singing carols together. We let *everything* else go but that, and while I was afraid I was disappointing kids etc., actually it turned out that we had the best holiday ever. Now we do not decorate, we do not bake, but we still sing together; and SO much less stress! Good luck to all.

Thank you all, so much, for your feedback about your feelings around the holidays. Your comments help me realize that I am not alone, that these feelings are truly normal, and that I'm not the worst ogre on earth. Thank you all for helping me stay sane. There are no words to convey my appreciation. Whew! What a relief there is in sharing!

I too, am in the same boat. I know how you feel. It seems endless, and certainly thankless. The only redeeming thing I have found, is to hire for $10.00 an hour a friend that will sit and play with Mother, while I get a break, to do errands, shop for Christmas, and get right back. But atleast, Mom is happy, with someone other than myself,,,,and I get away from the arguing, and daily restraint, and depleated feeling. I dont have any Christmas spirit to even share with my own grown children, and grandchildren, I am just so tired, caring for Mom, and also a Bioplar exhusband. I guess the only thing I can offer, is the babysitting relief. Even if it isnt Christmas, 1 day a month seems like such a relief. Its been a whole year now, and it feels like I have lost my zest and my life. I know its time to take care of them, while they need us, and they took care of us when we were little and needed them, the only difference is, we didnt hit them with canes, call them filthy names, and tell them that we hate them, and dont need them. We filled their lives with love and affection..... so, this certaily is a different calling...... especially when you dont have any relief. I promised Mother, when she was well, that I would never put her in a home,,,,,, but I really had no idea it would be like this. Sometimes it just helps to know there are others out there suffering with the same situation.

wonderful article and at a time I needed it most! I'm so glad I found this site. I feel like at least someone else understands what I'm going through :)

My christmas gift this year is the foreclosure of my personal home. After dad was embezzled out of his personal funds, I was advised by my AZ attorney to take out a persoanl loan to cover his expenses, since he had no income to cover lhis long term care cost, which I did for $250,000.00. I also sold my rental property and lived on those proceeds while trying to care for him. When that was gone, I refinanced my personal home in order to pay my bills, while trying to run my Real Estate business part time. My gift in return is the loss of my pesonal home of 9 years. I was first told I didn't make enough money, while I was still paying Dad's bills, now that he is on state funded care, after 5 years of single handedly caring for him, and i am able to return to work full time, I was just told yesterday that I make too much money to qualify for the Making Home Affordable program. Merry Christmas to me.

I tried to do it all myself for five years taking care of my mom. This year is different, I had to admit that it was too much taking care of mom beause she was falling down in the apartment and started to wander at night. She is now in the nursing home, not happy there, and mom and my sister are not speaking. My sister is trying to blame mom's bad behavior and unhappiness on me, now I am afraid she will take away my visiting times with mom for an hour or two every other day. Mom is begging me to spend more time there but I can't, I don't drive and am restricted by the city bus schedule in this small town. Mom begs to be able to go to church with us on Sunday, but it is not handicapped accesible and the hall are narrow and crowded, that is how she fell the last time. Anyway, I seem to be the whipping post on all of this, maybe it is just my imagine, I know I have martyr syndome, seems like I am always the one holding the bag and trying to explain away all these things to mom and trying to keep peace in the family when we get together over the Holidays.

Carol wrote: "Do as much as you can for your kids, but let them grow up a little by witnessing the cycle of life and the demands elder care places on you."

Such a good point! I think that we sometimes shelter our family members from all the "ickiness" of caretaking. The result is less than empathetic family members. I think that including family in all aspects of caregiving empowers them to help and let's the primary caregiver be seen as a human being who gets tired, and angry, and overwhelmed. It is important to avoid the "super-woman/man" or "martyr" syndrome...it's unfair to all. Sometimes we forget to ask for help, thinking that we will be turned down. My grandfather used to say, "ask...what's the worse thing that could happen?...if they say "no" you have only lost a few minutes of your time.