It does help to know there are others out there dealing with this. As you can tell from the comments, it really impacts the family in a negative way. I think it borders on mental illness and certainly encompasses hoarding, but is also a way for them to emotionally distance themselves from their children. It's strange that they hoard all of this money in response to witnessing poverty and to prepare for "bad times" but they are unwilling to help their own children when they experience need - sometimes great need. What a terrible message to send that "your" money is more important than your own family, especially when you've reached an age where you can't and won't be able to do anything much with it yourself - and- you are leaving it all to the very people who you can't bring yourself to share with while you are alive. It creates a scenario of people waiting for you to die, instead of strengthening family bonds and memories. And it's really a sickness because think of how many people would do anything to help their kids while they are alive and can't. It would be nice if professionals around these people like attorneys, etc. would point out just how scrooge like they are. At the end of the day they will end up all alone with their money, even if family is around. What a crappy legacy to leave.

My very sweet in laws are like this, well, my FIL died in June. My mother is also like this, keeping her air conditioning turned off in the hot GA summers, while sweat pours down her healthcare workers. She even had a lock box installed so that they can’t turn it on. Sometimes I can get her to turn it on by telling her the workers are going to walk out, sometimes they manage to sneak and get the key. Trust me, Mom is fine, not dehydrating at all. Just the ladies who take care of her.

My PWP (mom 86 yrs) argues constantly about pull-ups and pads. “It’s not wet” even when it is. SCREAMS. She can’t walk unassisted, yet one night she made it to the bathroom trash trying to retrieve a soiled pull-up. It had gone out to the trash. Mom fell on her way back to bed.

Thanks very much for your article. While it doesn't really provide a 'cure', the insights are a help, if not a comfort. My mother and father were hard working Depression/WWII era parents who invested and saved a great deal (but, in fact, also inherited quite a large sum from my mother's father). As the wealth grew, the phenomenon that you describe became clearer, that is, the accumulation became a goal unto itself, with all the usual justifications and rationalization. My father passed away last November, which, to my mind, should have been a wake up call to my mother, at age 82, to use some of the wealth to enrich her life, together with that of her children and grandchildren who she claims to want a greater connection with. Nope. The accumulation and investment continues unabated. Meanwhile, her children, my sister and I, and her grandchildren (my two kids) are living in a way that is substandard compared to how she lived for much of her life and, oddly, how my sister and I were provided for in our early years. Instead of our family being evenly middle class, she is now upper middle-to-wealthy and my sister, myself, and my children are lower middle class. I am soon going to explore how to access my retirement accounts to help pay for their college and other things. I have also, in the last two years, become partially disabled, which garnered her sympathy, but little more. While my mother 'talks a good game,' saying, for example, that "all of this will be yours someday"...the years just keep rolling by. The someday is looking more like when (if) I turn 70-75. The money does NOT make her happy and she just doesn't see that it could. I can't help but wonder how many other people are in my situation and are angry and feeling so helpless at what seems (to me) to be an awful, if not criminal, 'endgame' to what was really a wonderful life...

My mother and father in law are a perfect example of this very issue. As my husband their son drives 8 hours once per week to mow the yard of my mother and father in law he is then met with requests to go mow the yard of the long passed grandmother whose home his mother refuses to sale so we are spending 300.00 each time with gas and food to do this when they could readily employ yard mowers for much less but the mere mention of THEM spending a dime is completely taboo, in the meantime we are hemorrhaging money taking care of their need PLUS caring for my mom who lives with us and has brain cancer. Yes my mom isn't much better but at least I can semi control this as we pay all the bills for her...on OUR dime. Yes I am one NPI number from running a nursing facility! The only difference is I am paying financially and emotionally versus receiving money for any of this. As my father in law only this past Thursday had a head on collision after taking a nitro glycerine for chest pain and passing out behind the wheel now he has broken fingers ribs and a broken ankle in the dead of summer, he and my mother in law had the unmitigated Gall to tell my husband the yards (plural) had to be mowed at least once per week because "mother likes a pretty yard on Sundays" BARF! I say beggars can't be choosers but then I am out of line! My husband has become a habitual rescuer and I am at a loss of what to do! His mother is a hypochondriac who complains obsessively about things that are wrong with her when in actuality she is in very good health for 76 and my father in law who is 84 is actually in very poor health and refuses to accept it. I think the whole bunch should be committed to the local mental hospital for evaluation...but I digress, i do want to be kind and helpful but this is really becoming a financial burden. We have a 12 year old daughter who is being deprived of time her dad should be spending with her and I am missing my husband. I can't voice my opinion because then as I mentioned above I am out of line and being "completely negative." I am at a loss. I don't even know how to address this issue it feels complex to say the VERY least and my opinion and wishes are not honored. I feel like a 1950s door mat wife ( no offense meant) but sometimes the husband doesn't actually know best! Is anyone able to give me some it was of what to do?

My 95 year old mother-in-law is refusing to pay for her husband's therapy after a stroke because "it is her money and she has a right to do whatever she wants with it."!
We walk away when she has a temper tantrum, and have spent our money to get them both things they need. She follows us! I have even driven away for a while to regain my composure before engaging her in a conversation. This helps for a day or two, then we have to repeat.

I love her very much, yet at the same time, I find I often do not like her much anymore. It feels wrong, but she really is not very likeable these days. She is jealous of all the attention Pop gets and I see her tantrums as a way of getting the attention she craves. But I am careful to only give her that attention when she is being nicer, not during a tantrum.

I am more concerned about my husband. She is HIS mother and he takes it all very personally. We live with them so that help is always available, which is a double-edged sword for him. I am sharing the info here with him to help him cope. Pray that it does help.

Madge1: My mother is cheap even to herself. If she came to lunch or dinner, she would not have anything decent to wear, unless she found it in a trash dumpster.
She mostly only calls me when she wants something but never returns my calls just to say hello or see how she's doing.
My mother is so extreme that she looks like a homeless bag lady (literally!) pushing her shopping cart around collecting aluminum cans. She thinks it's funny when strangers give her a 100 dollar bill when she is a multi-millionaire. She will put that toward the principal like everything else.
One time when we were kids- my dad was working on building an addition onto our home one weekend-it was an ongoing project that took a few years. My mother came home with a nice couple, who wanted to meet the family. They graciously gave my parents a check. My father was mortified with embarrasment and later tore the check up.
I am the one, out of 4 kids who will be the one to clean up any family messes. When she passes, I will be the one stuck with dealing w/ her estate with no will or trust.
I'm sure my mother, like yours, thinks I am doing it JUST for the money- HER money. Sad!
If I had a choice- I'd take having a relationship with my mom over having her money when she passes IF their is anything left after probate.
I'm glad you have your daughters like I am glad I have my son. I will not make the same mistake she has choosing money over family!

Frustrated, wouldn't you just love to get inside their brains. Figure out why they are so money crazy. My mother is the same. Won't go to lunch, won't do this, or do that. Penny pinched until she has no family or children who care about her anymore. I finally stopped calling her. I got sick of always having to pay for the cell phone calls while she got a phone free (through my brother). I have so many cheap stories it is funny. BUT, she is not so cheap with herself. Just others and especially me.

She ruined our relationship over money. When my girls were in college (all three at the same time), I would tell her how hard it was to make it. But being frugal myself, we did it. And my girls have no debt. She thought I was hinting for money. She said I wanted her to pay for my girls college. And because of this, when it came time to appoint a DPOA of her finances, she told my brother to not tell me anything, because I had asked for money. Not one word of that is true. It never crossed my mind. However, because I confronted her about it, now I am a person of poor character and I can do no right.

So we don't talk much any more. She is 82, almost 83. I hope she can take it with her and spend a little in where ever she is going. It is just nutty.

Thank you for your article- It really struck a cord with me. My mother will be 87 years old. She is German, married my dad who was stationed there in the Nat'l Guard. She was about 16 during WWII. She has been frugal her whole life to the point of obsession. I recall her telling us kids a story. She said the best gift at Christmas was to get ONE orange. That was it.
My mother still works security for a company. She's worked for major league football and baseball teams. Don't even think about getting anything past her, like vodka in a water bottle, she knows all the tricks! Still working- she is proud at 86 to be street traffic qualified, and hand cuff qualified.
She has worked non-stop building a real estate empire (but has no relationship with her own children). She has 7 homes, but lives in squalor. She won't even spend 99c on a hamburger, it could go toward principal on her latest house-all totalling about 2-3 million dollars.
She has no life, not even with her own family. Her life is only to work and accumulate wealth. The sad part, she has no will or trust- although I've worked on getting her to do so for years to no avail.
When I've asked her to lunch, to celebrate her birthday, she says, No- save your money. I finally told her. Mom, it is not the price of the meal, it is the fact that I want to spend time with you, to have my son know and connect with his grandmother. That is the point. Like those Visa commercials, it is priceless. She still has not gone to lunch with us. With another birthday coming up, I will try again.
My mother abandoned a daughter in Germany when she married my dad. I've only seen this half sister a few times, she speaks very little English, party because she didn't want to learn because her mother left marrying an American. My sister has saved EVERY letter and picture, Xmas card that anyone in our family has written since 1977. My mother last wrote her when my son was born in 1999. Obviously, they mean the world to her (her husband showed me these albums when my son and I visited her 2 yrs ago.) I've asked mom to write her, especially as she is getting older, but mom refuses! I want it for Finny, even if she won't or has not been here for me all my life.
Thank you again for your article. Although it makes me sad, I understand a little better now. I am a very good saver and frugal myself, but I try to have a relationship with my son that I don't have with her and learn from her.

There is always lying, deceiving, ignoring complaints, hiding things, telling them a doc ordered it, and they just have to deal...Oh and good luck with that...

This article struck me as something that shows up everywhere, not only for our elders, but perhaps for ourselves as well.

I was a struggling single mother for many years, then my boys grew up and are now off making it on their own, mostly. For my 60th birthday my local son took me out to lunch with his best childhood friend. What a blessing. My other son who lives far from me, talks with me daily and is my closest relative, sent me a sweet message electronically and a $25 Starbucks card. I know he struggles to pay rent and he owes me some money. It didn't make sense to me that he spent money on me when he had what I thought were other, higher priorities for those few dollars.

It consumed my thoughts. I really struggled with it. Was he making other odd decisions. Should he have sent me $25 to pay down the small debt instead? I sadly mentioned this to him, while thanking him for the sweet thoughts... we talked a lot and all is OK.

However, months and months later, my son has paid me back. I just got a coffee at Starbucks and I am reminded of his love. I called him again to thank him and he reminded me of our discussion of wether he should have given me that gift. I said, I apologize... I am an imperfect person and I'm working on that.

As I read the posting, I realized... I am that person. When I get a gift, my mind goes into overdrive and sadly, I squashed one of the precious gifts my son gave me. UGH!

My mother told me that she and her sisters fight all the time and the great thing is they forgive each other immediately. I used to say, why do you have to fight at all?

Because we are imperfect people. We are effected deeply by our struggles ... and sometimes it makes us ungracious gift receivers. Thank you for reminding me that I need to work on this...

I lost my mother and father during the liberian civil war.

Hit the nail on the head there you did. Three penny nail, used to get them for......
My grandmother considered it a good day if she went to four different stores and bought absolutely nothing. Like it was a victory against the store, the urge to purchase, the universe itself, and the fact she spent money on gas to drive all over town on this errand never entered her mind.

Now grandpa squirms in genuine discomfort when his prescriptions are rung up....often to the tune of HUNDREDS of dollars! HHMMM be cheap or buy life saving medications? HHHMMM?

Isn't this what saving the money, scrimping, scratching, doing with out for DECADES was FOR!?