Hi Rumswizzle, first my condolences to you on losing your mom.....my dad was 91 when my mom passed and had mid-stage dementia. He was sad and cried and displayed all "appropriate" grieving, but he too forgot all about it within 30 minutes. Please don't think of it as lying to him. It's a 'theraputic' fib for the benefit of your dad's mental well-being. If reminding him that his wife has passed away over and over upsets him over and over again - what's the point?
My brothers and I learned this the hard way (meaning, the hard way for my dad - because for a number of months we continued to try to explain to him that Mom had died and he would just become upset over and over, like he was hearing it for the first time) Finally it dawned on us that we were being (unintentionally cruel), so until Dad passed 4 yrs later, whenever he asked where his wife (or Mom) was, we would tell him: she's gone shopping; she's visiting Jeanne (his sister), she's having her hair done; she had a dr's appointment, etc. (all things that she usually did). This would settle him down, even if just for 10 minutes, until he asked again where she was. I used to try to vary the responses, until it dawned on me that I could use the same one over and over (cause he just didn't remember). So what I'm trying to suggest is to say whatever works to calm and reassure your Dad that your mom is ok and he'll see her soon. Keep it simple. After awhile you'll have a whole arsenal of responses to use whenever he becomes upset or concerned with where your mom is. If one doesn't work, try another. Sometimes I'd tell my dad 'mom went ...." and he'd say "well she didn't tell me that" and I'd respond with "I'm sorry, that's my fault, she asked me to tell you and I forgot" then I'd try to distract him with something else. Using "she's still in the hospital resting" is great, if he wants to go see her or visit, tell him 'ok, but let's go tomorrow morning' Hope this helps, I really feel for what you're going through - keep us posted and take care of yourself too.

My dad is 92 and had dementia. He has no short term memory and no sense of time. My mom was sick and subsequently passed away. We took my father to the wake and funeral. He cried and asked a lot of questions over and over. We thought that maybe because it was such a traumatic event that he would remember it. Nope he totally forgot but was really out of sorts last night. For the first time ever ,he was wandering the hall of the assistant living facility. We had to go there to calm him down. We removed all traces of her passing. The laminated obituary cards the Mass Cards her picture from the lobby that let other residents know that she had passed away. I'm not sure what to say to him when he asks about my mother.
For the first time in my life I think I am going to have to lie to him and let him think that she's still in the hospital resting.
This is the most frustrating thing. 😞
Any and all suggestions are welcomed

My father has moderate to severe dementia and keeps asking me for an allowance every month. He was getting $800 a month. He doesn't go anywhere and I pay all the bills but he keeps coming to me saying he doesn't have any money. He has misplaced or potentially been robbed of thousands of dollars so I am trying to monitor his cash flow. He gets very aggressive with me however and insists I give him his monthly allowance and when I try to explain to him that I keep his allowance in a lock box and whenever he needs cash, I will give it to him but that it was not a good idea for him to have several hundred dollars in his wallet on his dresser. We have live-in aides and nurses who come to the house regularly as well as yard workers, so alot of people in and out of the house while I'm at work. I don't want to deal with his aggression anymore. He lives with me and I have been trying to keep him in familiar surroundings but his obsession with this money is becoming a serious problem. Any thoughts for me.

I had a great aunt who used to ask my mother about her sister and brother-in-law (i.e., my mother's parents) who had been dead for well over a decade. My mother would say "Oh, they're about the same" and she was satisfied with that answer and went on to something else. My mother and I would laugh when she told me this--we agreed it was a truthful answer!

I'm having the same problem with my mom. She's been asking about where my grandma is. She died 30 years ago when I was a teenager. In addition, she was in another country and neither I nor my mom had seen my grandma since 1978. My mom left the country in 1957. She still knows who I am so I wonder how she can see me at 40+ and think my grandma is alive. I would love to go back to when my grandma was alive where I was a teen and safe and hopeful about the future. When I tell my mom that my grandma died 30 years ago she just accepts it like she remembers but it freaks me out. I'm not ready for her to die yet.

When my great aunt was in a nursing home, she used to ask my mother about her (the great aunt's) sister and her husband, who had been dead for over a decade. My mother would answer "oh, they're about the same" and this seemed to satisfy her. Maybe an answer like this would satisfy your father--you're telling the truth without giving any more information than necessary.

WilmatheCat, you are right! Your Dad and my Momma do sound very similar! lol! I feel so lucky when I get to hear from someone who has to answer the same types of questions and wade through whatever is going on in their minds. My Momma also thinks she's much younger than she is. The oldest she will say is 80 but she's really 85 and sometimes she'll ask me what I did with her last 5 years! Like I hid them in my dresser or something!! :) You might have to find a guy around for your dad to tell the leave stories to. Write them down as he talks. I've done that as best as i can with Momma. She'd peel potatoes and tell me about her first year in school. I wrote it down and to my surprise, when I came home from work one day, she was reading a 'very interesting story'. her own!

Hi Seastar, your Mom sounds like she's in a similar stage to my Dad by what she says. I still address him as "Dad" and he immediately responds, but the connection that I'm his daughter is gone 99% of the time. Right now sitting next to me in the living room, he turned to me and said "do you know where the deal is for someone like me to go?" I said "I sure do, follow me", and then led him down the hall to the bathroom.
My dad will also tell me that he had lunch with his mom, or that his brother (deceased long ago) stopped by to see him (I'll have to remember to say 'sorry I missed them'). If I ask my dad when he was born, he'll tell me the exact date, but if I ask him his age, it's anywhere from 51 to 70-something (LOL - he's almost 94!). We talk a lot about his time in the Navy during WWII as he can remember that time so well. (I'm still trying to get him to tell me some stories re: his onshore leaves, but he always tells me "oh no, those aren't any stories for a young lady like you to hear" and we laugh, me especially since I'm almost 60.

We all need to hang in there, go with the flow, laugh as much as we can and enjoy the time we have left with our loved ones.

Hi PCVS, I can't say 'don't be afraid'. But I can say be prepared. I've found that as this disease has progressed and I still call my Mom 'Momma'... well, somehow the word has lost its meaning. She might not be able to reason out that you are calling her Mama because you are her daughter. As the relationship changes, so do your tactics. My mom often thinks that her Dad has stopped by for coffee. I'm always sorry that I missed him . :) "He looks so young!" she tells me. He passed before I was born so I just use it as an opportunity for her to tell me about her Daddy. Often I can divert her attention to good ole days stories. Sometimes Mom thinks she is much younger when she is thinking about her parents... she was in her 20s and married and they lived on the farm around the corner. You might be able to use the time your Mom can still talk to get some details about your heritage that you didn't know. Take comfort, we are all in the same boat. With you.

I am so scared that my mama will start asking for her parents. I am always careful to call her Mama so that she will have that information at hand and not wonder who I am and therefore where her own parents are.

Hi Acrates, I agree, I think how awful that feeling must be for them to feel abandoned and not understand why. When my dad asks for his wife (my mom) or expresses concern that she is alone and he should be there, I tell him "oh, she's not alone, she's being well taken care of, and someone is with her all the time". Sometimes this alone will calm him and he'll say "oh, I'm glad to hear that"). Sometimes I'll use the weather (if it's raining out) to say "your mom and dad were coming over today, but decided the rain made it too bad to drive". My dad will then say "oh good, I wouldn't want them driving in this weather". There really is no way to allay their fears permanently, so if what you're saying to him works, even if only for the moment, keep using that tactic. At first, I always tried to come up with a new response until it finally dawned on me that I could keep using the same 2 or 3 answers that worked the best over and over. My dad also loves hard candy peppermints and chocolate, so I always have some on hand to offer him.
As far as putting him on an anti-psychotic drug, it could be worth a try, but it didn't really work with my dad, it only made him sleepy or unsteady on his feet, or else he would tell me "that something was just not right in his head, that it felt fuzzy", and he was still just as confused. My dad did start taking a low doze of Zoloft in the morning, and while the questions/concerns still persist, it has taken the edge off of his anxiety.

So sorry you're going through this, it really does suck.

My dad is also getting insistant about his mom and dad. When we leave him at the care center after a long visit he wants to know when his mom and dad are picking him up or insists that we must take him to them. It's heart breaking to realize that he thinks he's been abandoned by his parents and I want to tell him but I'm so worried. I wonder if we need to put him on anti-psychotic meds because he seems to be whispering to someone constantly but if this is a normal behavior, then the only way is by diversion. My sister came up with the really great idea of just saying "they're not here now but we are, Dad". That works until the end of the visit. I wish there were some way to allay his fears.

This is one of the tougher situations I have in dealing with my 93 yr. old Dad, who's in Stage 6 Alzheimer's and lives with me. My Mom and Dad were happily married for just over 66 yrs until her passing in April '09. When first told Mom had died, he cried and grieved, but within an hour he said "you'll have to come back and visit again when Mom's around" He was appropriately sad and upset at her wake and service, but a few hours later at my brother's house with all the family around, he thought we were just at a family gathering and kept asking where Mom was. Dad has no short-term memory and no concept of the passage of time. Another time I tried to explain that Mom had died, she was no longer suffering, had passed peacefully, etc. When Dad asked me 'when?' and I told him a few months ago, he became so very angry and agitated, and wanted to know why no one in the family had ever told him his wife died. I very gently explained that we had, he had been at the service and even showed him some pics from the wake, but he said "that's not me and that's not Helen" Since that time, whenever he asks where Helen is, I tell him she's out shopping, across the street at a neighbors, visiting with his sister, etc. Sometimes this works just fine, other times, he'll ask again and again where she is. Other times it's 'when will she be back?' or 'she didn't tell me that, did she tell you that?', 'why is this the first I'm hearing that she's not here?' and on and on. Sometimes distraction and/or diversion works, but a lot of times it doesn't. All the advice here is good and certainly worth a try. I think DanielRomero's response really says it all .........there really is no right way or right answer that will work every time or with every Alzheimer/ Dementia person.

I've been reading all the posts for over a year now, but have never myself posted before this time. So I just want to thank everyone on this board for expressing their feelings and frustrations and giving their suggestions. It really does help to know you're not alone in this and so many others understand what we're all going through (especially since no one in my family totally gets it : ).

My oldest brother (Mom's oldest son) is gone and the other night she cried uncontrollably when I answered her that he is gone. I won't do it again. He was a farmer and mostly I tell her that he is in the fields. Five minutes later, she doesn't remember - so it isn't worth making my mom grieve a very heavy burden. I know that he understands, and I'm sure he cannot wait to wrap his giant arms around her. I have to join her world and it can be stressful, but overall these types of stories matter very little.

When someone with dementia reality is in the past, I have found that it is best not to confuse them more with our reality. "Maybe we can try to get a hold of them tomorrow" is good response, changing the subject, putting on music, looking at pictures always seems to help my mom and it seems to ease my frustration too. Do your best to allow the family member and you to get through the moment. Good luck, there is no right answer, just find what makes you and your family member get to a better place.

It is hard when they do not realize time and place... however their reality is their reality. I think you just have to as it were play along... It does no one any good to argue and it is very frustrating for everyone. It is common for folks to live in the past with Alzheimer's disease. It is very helpful to know some things about the family history when you are providing care for someone with AD. I hearl Jolene Brackey speak at an all day conference she is great her books are really good. I have a little daily calender on my desk with some of her wisdom it is GREAT!!!

My husband does not - cannot lie. I've taught him to use diversion. "Lets go see what's in the fridge" "Do you need anything at the store while I'm there?" Just a couple of stock topics to get his Dad unstuck has helped him eliminate the drama his too honest answers provoked.

Might this case not mean that perhaps telling her the truth is a better choice? Or, if she forgets quickly, how about saying that her mother is out visiting or on an errand?

I agree the fiblets are the way to deal with questions about people that are deceased. My mother often will not let that satisfy her. She will insist I take her to her mother when I say I can't at the moment as we will go later she becomes angry and very agitated. This then escalates into an argument. This is upsetting to us both. She actually makes up outlandish stories. She then will want to call her mother on the phone; I just disconnect the phone and give her the phone book to look up the number as I certainly don't know. This does creates lots of stress for me and unplesantness in our home. When these things happen I think placing her in Assisted living is the answer. Am I a bad person for these thoughts; I haven't aced on them is these7 years. Just not sure I can keep going on with this.
Thanks for any advice, Carol.

I will look for "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey at my local library. Maybe the VNA library has it...

My mother mentions her parents and deceased brother as though they were in her life now. Her living brother and I are the ones who visit her the most and he says he will not lie to her w/ things like you suggest so he tells her they are no longer living. Now it doesn't seem to upset her, but I'm torn between the truth and soft lies.

Beautiful response and satifies truth telling at a few levels.

Whenever my 93 year old mom who has dementia asks me about her mother and father - usually at night, I tell her that they are already asleep because it is late. This answer satifies my mom and then she falls asleep .

I have just come across the book: Creating Moments of Joy by Jolene Brackey. Check your local library or find it on one of the cheap book sites on line. It explains the above concept in much more detail. The title is the focus of the entire book. It's the way I want to be treated, if and when.