We should never be ashamed to admit that caregiving is stressful, and that we need to take time away for self-care in order to maintain a healthy life balance.

When I last wrote here, I was working part-time while continuing to be my mother's main caregiver (she moved in with me over two years ago). I was trying to hang on to my job, so I thought that working part-time would be at least a compromise for my employee. It didn't work out and now I'm just home with my mother. I've gotta say I have a lot less stress. It is still stressful. Dealing with dementia and someone who basically doesn't know if it's day or night and finds nothing wrong with making requests throughout the night IS hard and it is frustration and stressful STILL, but nowhere near the extent it was before when I was trying to stay in the job.

Caregiver stress...help!
7 years home hemodialysis for my spouse every other night...married 43 years. He’s had Diabetes for 55 years which led to blindness. Frequent trips to ER to rule out serious issues...Afib, 4 heart stents...seriously feel I have PTSD from stress from fear of him dying. Additionally, broke and worried about possibilities, future problems. Seem invisible...no one knows, cares about difficulties, changes I’m experiencing, physically, emotionally, or maybe I just am proficient at fooling everyone. I know in center dialysis would be a death sentence...
( my worst fear!) so I will never give up caring for him but need some support, somewhere, anywhere. Thought someone might be able to offer some helpful advice, just an ear.
I cannot, will not go backwards in his treatment but sometimes feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Can anyone relate?

and to caregiverli our situations are very similar. I too had to put my foot down as you did just for a week off. we all reach our breaking point. its normal for us.

this is also a very good place to vent to people who understand. most don't. venting is good for us but it doesn't work if your venting to someone who doesn't understand.

this site is very helpful but kinda scary since I read the signs of burnout and I have pretty much all of them. been doing this on my own for two years. its is comforting to know I am not alone. I have reading your guys comments and completely get it. thanks to all of you.

Just want to thank you all for the support. I don't believe most people understand our lives. we are a unique group.

I can relate to everyone here who is writing about their stress. The weight of the care responsibility is enough to drag a person way down. I just got leave from a job I really liked because I couldn't do both. Yesterday was my last day. I thought I would feel elated but instead I feel exhausted. I slept as much as I could and only got up when I had to but I'm still exhausted. Only people who do this can possibly understand. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life, and is the reason I tell my children NOT to do this for me. My Mom refuses to go anywhere, but she has never taken care of her mother so she has no idea how hard it is. I have been, and I do know, and I won't let my children go through what I'm going through. I know it sounds pretty bad to want the relief...but the truth is, it's not that I want my mother to die, I just want to be free....

HELP.... my mother moved in with me 15 years ago, she is now 90. I am totally burnt out, she broke her hip 3 years ago, has had several bouts of Escemic Colitis resulting in hospital stays, extremely hard of hearing even with top of the line hearing aids. We argue several times a day, mostly due to her hearing what she wants and always comes out negative. I have one brother that lives 600 miles away, he has tried to help, but Mom and his wife have issues. My mother is very opinionated and negative about all we do. I really cannot take much more, between doctor appointments, picking up prescriptions, buying special meals for her and general care I feel out of control. I had to retire last year from a job I loved just to take care of her. Most of my friends have given up on me as every time they ask me to go somewhere Mom has an issue and I cancel. I am sure I will go before her, I turn 70 next month, my body has worn down. I do not sleep, stress out all the time, clean up after her frequently, constant cooking. I feel my life is over. Anyone have any suggestions. I have tried looking for a support group in my area, mostly they are for Alzheimer’s issues. Any advice will be appreciated

I would just like to say to all those caregivers out there, that you are all unsung heroes and you should all be very proud of yourselves for your courage and compassion. Secondly, I would like to say, that your life, health and well-being needs to come first. And you need to ask for help. And if asking doesn't help, you need to demand it. And learn to say no. Believe me, it is easier said than done. But if your family members and/or friends won't help, then you need to reach out to local social services. Be it the department of the aging in your community, the hospice agency you're working with, a church organization or who ever and let them know you are facing burn-out and you need a respite otherwise you or your family member will be in danger. You may also have to put your family member in a respite or nursing facility while you get rest. You can not continue to totally sacrifice your life and well-being. I took care of my husband during his cancer treatment, and then through in-home hospice and less than 6 months after that, my mother went into the hospital, and then home hospice care. Now 6 months later, I am totally spent. Ended up in urgent care with blood pressure of 180/110, and then IBS, insomnia, and depression. I finally said "enough" and worked with a social worker to get some additional help. Also told my other siblings, that I had to take a break, and if they didn't step in for a while, then would have to live with the consequences because I could not do it anymore. I love my mother unconditionally, but she's 88 and I'm 58, and I can not risk killing myself to care for her right now. I need a break. I tell all of you, you need to put you first at a certain point. There is some help out there but you sometimes need to scream and yell and say "no more" before you get it. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

I have been a caretaker for my 90 year old mother with my two sisters. She is on hospice and we take turns sleeping there. The problem is they won't do weekends. They have said outright they won't do them, even after i have said this is unfair to me. One sister holds poa and feels she can tell me to do this. The other sister and i just don't get along. She does spiteful things like not bathing my mom before i get there, leaving garbage full, laundry and dishwasher full. I, on the other hand, have always started the next sisters day with a bathed mother and fresh house. The spite by this sister goes on. She is verbally abusive also. The poa sister agrees about the abusive sister, but doesn't care because she's happy not doing weekends. Most questions i read have to do with siblings not being allowed to see their parent. My question is how do i get out. Its not that i dont want to see my mother, but i can't allow them to tell me when I'm going to be there anymore. I know i can walk away, but can i be in trouble legally since mom is on hospice. If i tell the poa i am not doing every weekend and simply don't show up, is it her ass on the line or mine? Being in this trap is taking a major toll on me. A mediator is out of the question. Things are too bad between the siblings. I'm just wondering if anyone knows if i have to allow my sisters to dictate when i will be there to care for my mother.

I care for my husband who has dementia/alzheimers. I also am not well myself. I have cancer and am on chemo. Sometimes he gets to be too much for me but I still trudge through. I feel like I am trapped. He is paranoid and fearful that somebody is going to hurt us. When I try to do what I think is right and he has another opinion it always causes an argument. What can I do!?

I care for my daughter, who at the age of 38, became sick, went into respiratory arrest/seizures..and is ventilator dependent. She has been home with us now for over 3 yrs. She requires 24 hr care. We get caregiver help 10 hrs per day /7 days a week, but when they go home it's all up to me. If daughter gets sick then it is around the clock. I'm 64 yr old, have a husband, 4 more adult children, numerous g'children, and 4 great-g'children. To tell the truth..I DO HAVE caregiver burn out..no family help whatsoever...I am TIRED..also my husband and I argue all the time. There are weeks that I don't even leave the house. Haven't had a vacation in over 5 yrs!!!

This sounds like a silly question when I think about it: Is it too much for one person to take care of a mother with signs of dementia who is taking care of her husband/my father with terminal lung cancer? My mother absolutely refuses to get outside help and I am constantly running around trying to help them, and lead my own life at the same time. Help!

My 90 year old father in law is caring for his 90 year old wife at home. Four years ago she broke her hip and within the last year her pelvis. He refuses to place her in a nursing home. He has aides weekdays for 15 hours and weekends for 12 hours, which he is capable of paying. The problem is she is up most nights and combative and yelling, so he get very little sleep. He refuses to acknowledge he is sleep deprived, stressed and will not listen to reason. This is incredibly frustrating for my husband, who stops over every day.

I am dealing with caregiver stress big time. My 93 year old Mom has been with us for over 2 years now. My husband is slowly getting tired of not having a home any longer. We have care givers constantly in & out of the home. He is starting to suggest AL for Mom. What do I do? I have to keep my marriage first but how will I tell my Mom she has to go? I love her dearly & she is a sweetheart, yet the constant demands on my time is wearing me down. My husband & I no longer spend quality time together & I feel we are growing apart. Do I tell my Mom this is the reason she needs to live elsewhere? Oh such a mess to be in. God help all the care givers & the burnout that is inevitable. I don't want to do this to my children!

Just to say thank you, very well design and useful website. Today my first day , I have spend more than 3 hours reading and learning.
Thanks!!

no help. feel as though my life's over. picking up the ball to care for mom has made me drop the ball to care for myself. God knows I love my mom, but helping her live is killing me. she will outlive me; she's soon to be 85; i'm 56 and feel as though i've aged 20 years in the last 7 months. 24/7 and know help is hell on earth.

I hope things are better for you. I have similar circumstances, so totally understand. Take b it one day at a time🌻

I have been taking care of my mom for over 3 years since she had her stroke. I already have a bad back and now have arthritis and tendinitis in both my arms and shoulders from taking care of her. I just turned 48 and I have my own issues and am on Disability myself. I am so stressed and can never get out of the house except to run errands. I have had such bad luck with nurses and they are so expensive. I have put on so much weight which is causing me more depression too. I just don't want to put her in a Nursing Home because they are awful. I don't have children and had my beloved golden retriever and had to put him down in February and thought my heart was going to break out of my chest. He was my only sanity 24/7 a day. I am taking her to the doctor Monday because we have to work out something. I will be in a bed somewhere soon. I told her I will not live the rest of my life like this.

Please get help. What about home healthcare? Speak to a social worker employed by home healthcare to see if your parents can qualify for a home attendant to help you with the care of your parents. Contact department of aging and disability and inquire what services do your parents qualify for. I know it has been a long time you wrote; however, I am new to this and I just saw your post. Hope you got the help you needed. I will pray for you and your parents.

All I want and need is a few days away, and can't make it happen due to all the responsibilities. Everyone deserves a little time away and fresh scenery for new perspective. You can only sacrifice so much, until theirs nothing left to give. Just saying. Doesn't surprise me caregivers have higher mortality rate. Why wouldn't we?

A great ariticle! I love the details. However I perceive that everyone has their unique set of stessors. You could create a personalized check list, once you know how stress affects you as an individual. For me, my first indication of too much stress is stopping @ a stop sign and forgetting to go ahead. When I catch myself forgetting what to do at a stop sign, then I look for what is causing the boil over because I know it is the tip of the iceberg. Then I look at all aspects of my life to see how I can reduce my overall lever. For example, I have hired a guy to do the grunt work as I am redoing a house that my SO recently purchased.

Kaiizme, it's not you. It's your mother. Her executive function is declining. Her ability to reason is severely compromised. Soinds like she has memory issues, too. There is a form of dementia cooking. Do some research on non-Alzheimer's dementias -- such as vascular dementia, frontal-temporal, cortico-basal and such.

My mother is 88 y/o...I live 5 miles away but it is constant and I mean constant phone calls that begin with "I need you to"...and I do whatever she wants but today was ridiculous and yesterday was ridiculous. It ranges from "I need you to put gas in my car, there is only 1/2 a tank" to "oh, no the back porch is falling in" and she calls everyone, and I mean everyone to fix it. Then when the person comes to her house and freaks because she doesn't know the person and wants me to come over to be with her. The porch is not falling in, I already have a contractor, her car is o'k with 1/2 tank but she wants it full all the time...her car battery is dead at least 2 times a month...she has 3 dogs and she can't control them, then she says the dogs need to be walked and she is going to buy a go cart and walk them herself...a go cart? I just don't know. Today she called and said some "stranger" was coming to her house to look at her porch and she was afraid to be by herself...went to her house and cancelled the appointment...it gets so crazy and it is constant...today we had an argument and she said I don't respect her...and if it wasn't for her, I would be nothing. It is too long to write everything down but I am beat...also heard that I had so much potential when I was young but I blew it...there is more but I nbeed to find a group to talk to. It probably is me...

I have a 27 year old son struck down with schizophrenia at 19. His 28 & 30 year-old brothers live with him. I live around the corner with my mom & dad. My mom is 80 & my dad 85. My
mom has migraines & my dad has taken care of her for many years. This last year my dad had a mild stroke & next, a major heart attack & open heart surgery. It has been intense.....my dad has rallied.....I got married in April (I have been with him
prior to my son's illness). He lives 45 minutes away.....but I spend more time here, helping parents & son.
It is so hard.....especially hard because my son only has us now. Hard for my two healthy sons...but they never complain.....yet I am always negative in my head....not in front of parents or sick son. I get sick a lot.

I have no anger. Only extreme sadness and exhaustion which I have no solution for and I don't expect anyone else to bail me out. I am so thankful to the professionals in trying to extend help to me. FTD dementia and other dementias need a cure, and in time I think it will happen. Let's look forward and not backward.

Oh my do i understand the stress it never stops and i feel so bad if i i take a few hours for me.My mom is 90. Her other kids wont even do a thing for her.I ve beg fought its not used they just wont.

Sure most of these apply to me but for the smoking and drinking part, but so what? It is what it is and no one can really change the situation.

The very best article I have read on Caregiver stress. Every point applied to me except the smoking and drinking one. I started crying I am so touched by the truth of all the points and how they have affected me. It has been 9 long years caring for hubby, now 71, at home and now it is year after year of providing private funds to the dementia home, by me working past age 73, and using up all our savings at a rate of $85,000 a year. Hubby and I worked 2 jobs each much of our life to save for a good retirement life. It is now a brutal existence for me. I am now very sick physically myself being out of breath, heart fillebrations, diabetes, obesity, endless muscle pain, hypertension, with a systolic # always over 200 and finally the emotional one, loneliness. Doctors make me take endless medications for the hypertension, but they have so many side effects, always a dry mouth, diziness, sleep problems, etc. This is when I stop listing them all, but there are more. I am thankful for having been allowed to vent all on this site. Thank you all.