Four years ago, my SIL who lives two states away was livid that her parents decided to live near us in an Independent Living Facility with Assisted Living Services. She had planned to have them live with her (later revised after their decision to temporarily living with her and then someplace for which she had yet to do research). She seemed to ignore what her parents were thinking about. She was also livid when my husband was named POA. She has second guessed every big and little decision that was made about her mom's care with unsupported reasons.

She wants email "reports" on a "timely basis" apparently detailing her mom's care. Yet, she has visited just three times in four years and talks to her mom infrequently. Her dad passed away 2+ years ago at age 91 and her mom is 90. This is so different than my family. I was an out of state sibling even living further away from my widowed mom than my SIL lives from her mom. I didn't try to control the decisions. I didn't expect a report. I talked to my mom on the phone a few times a week rather than once every three months like my SIL. Emails to and from my brother (also POA) were used for quick notes or proposed and final travel plans. We had pleasant conversations about mom and our other family members via phone and in person. I appreciated my brother and sister-in-law for everything they did for her.

My SIL seems to imply that we are responsible for her mom's increasing dementia level. When her mom was diagnosed with moderate dementia by her doctor, she questioned his credentials and the comprehensive assessment he conducted to come to that conclusion. She didn't know the doctor. After discussion with my husband, her doctor suggested moving her to a smaller facility with assisted living services only, more supervision and ideally with a memory care unit as he predicted she would need one in six months to a year. We made his mom feel like she had a part in the decision by retouring facilities with her. She ended up really liking the one we thought would be best for her. She got more averse to moving as the moving day approached but much of that was being overwhelmed about downsizing and leaving friends.

Yet, what has my SIL done for her mom? I know it is not possible to visit frequently in person. Family contact, conversation, and reminiscing are all good things for those with dementia and that can happen with regular phone calls by out of state daughters or sons. Socialization, exercise, education, music and games that she gets at assisted living and with us are all are part of my MIL's life now. Even though my SIL was critical of her mom's past care and understood there would be a time to move her to a higher level of care, she was averse to the new plan.

In addition, my SIL complains and tells outright lies about my husband and I. She complained that my BIL knew before her of the plan to find and place her in different care. It happened that my husband had gone with my MIL to see my nephew in a school play and he saw the change. My BIL and my husband found the time to have a one-on-one conversation with her to talk about her changing condition. My husband offered a one-on-one conversation anytime on the phone or on her upcoming trip to see her mom. She said in writing yes, she would like to have a conversation but when here refused the initial proposed time. He asked her to name a time as he is retired and flexible. She didn't.

I hit the "done switch" a year ago when she lied about my dad among other lies and seeing how it affects my husband. I'm supportive of my husband trying to repair his relationship with her but after the last four years, he is tired of the nonsense.

I'm not sure a mediator is the solution in this case. I love my MIL and only want to make sure she is cared for. I don't think we have done anything wrong to get all this nonsense from my SIL. I don't see that my SIL will change regardless of what we do.
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Great article outlining the topic. Yes, when necessary mediation can be a great tool to help produce the best outcome for parents while minimizing the damage done to relationships.
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Can the one sibling that is power of attorney put our mom in a home even if the other siblings disagree
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Family feuds very often lead to guardianship. Guardianship abuse is on the rise and when it happens, there is nowhere to go for help.

If a guardianship is put in place, the entire family loses their rights to their loved one, and the loved one loses his/her fundamental rights and liberties.

Don't let it happen to your loved one. Join the national movement for reform of unlawful and abusive guardianships and conservatorships. Join NASGA!
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Have the opposite issue - sibling is caring for elderly father with dementia - and can't wait to get him in a home. Won't accept help, only talks about her suffering. I've tried everything to work with her, no success.
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Have the opposite problem, have the long suffering sibling handling the elder care for father, who will NOT accept any help, but continues to push for early and (in my opinion) unnecessary long term facility consignment. Sadness.
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I've controlled my daddy's finance's for almost 10 years now, & the only interest my 47yr old twin brother & sister have is how much my dad can loan them. We all live together, but me being the oldest, we vastly different views on what NEEDS to be done. And when daddy decides not to loan them anything, my brother will either ask me to ask him, or blame me for daddy's decision. I seriously feel like I am the only one who truly care's
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Great information.very useful information you shared.
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Very heplful. Thank you
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In my family it has become complicated because I don´t feel as much compassion for my demented elderly father as my sister does; she lives in the same property as my parents & is capable of putting all of her "hurts" aside and claims to want them to be happy for the rest of their lives regardless of their behaviours! I have deep wounds that reopen each time that my parents (especially my father) are abusive; it´s been going on for 58 years & I can´t take the abuse any more.
I think my father should be in a nursing home because he´s totally dependant and resorts to violence many times (spitting, deep scratches, btiing, violent head thrusts, kicking, as well as death threats with knives, guns, etc)...I´ve known for many years that he dislikes me & treats me aggressively when other people are around...the hurt just keeps on coming back! I manage well when he´s docile, but the agression makes me angry/hurt! He can be a danger to any of us, especially my elderly mother who often contradicts him; he´ll throw whatever is at his reach!
We are 3 kids, but my brother lives far away & already had my dad for 7 months; he & I think that dad should be controlled with meds & or institutionalized, but my sister only gives the minimal dosage because she feels she can deal with his aggression...I feAR THAT SHE WILL EVENTUALLY BURNOUT; it´s been 3 months, but that´s nothing if he lives a few more years.
Anyway, it becomes complicated when people see things so differently; I would have him in a home, or hire someone to come to the house (my mother refuses that possibility) & do the evening shift which ends up falling on my sister´s shoulders; we have homecare twice a day/7 days a week, but the last visit is at 5PM the latest!
Sorry for the rant...hugs to all!
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We've been stuck in this for some time. We can't decide how we should take care of our aging mother. It's comforting that a home care aide could eventually become like family to her. We'll be sure to keep that in mind as we make our decision.
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Great article. I am disabled myself, and can no longer make the 250 mile trip to my father without relying on the train. My father needs surgery, and after I did the research to find the right surgeon, my sister, who lives at a distance from my father, volunteered to make all the arrangements. Now it is getting difficult for her, she doesn't communicate when the surgery will be, changes in plans, etc. My brother lives 20 minutes away from my father, but travels for business during the week and is resentful that his weekends are taken up by taking care of my father's needs. I would like to move my father to an assisted living situation near me so I can check in on him, since I have more time than either my brother or sister. We will need a mediator to even broach the topic because of their hostility. My father is open to this idea. He also has the finances to do this, but my brother seems to be in charge. It is hard being a primary caretaker, but sometimes it is just as hard when you are at a distance, reach out, and get barraged by the hostility of siblings who feel resentful at the roles they have been cast in.
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The article is helpful but sometimes when you are dealing with deeply dysfunctional people, even the best intentions go awry. It got so bad in our family that now, following the death of our four parents, none of my husband's or my siblings speak to us. It's sad but sometimes people are just impossible to reason with. Our dysfunction was so bad I wrote an entire book about it. I hope it helps others, or at least entertains them in knowing they're not alone!
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Hello, i am at my wits end here in Michigan. My younger brother has lived at home his entire life, and he's now 47yrs. Old, and i am 48. Last yr my mother fell and broke her leg and was rushed by way of ambulance to the hospital. My brother did not call me or my other three siblings to let us know what happened, i found out when i called her and she hd her cell in the Emt vehicle. At any rate, my mother ws in physical rehab for few wks,and then an assisted living center. My mom is 76yrs.old, and hs been sitting in hr padded wheel chair for the past year since her accident. I have to drive 45minutes one wy to go up to her house to help her w/ her showering,and my brother says she can't gt a special lift chair because she has to watch her retirement money,which is bullsh*t! I don"t know what to do here, he lies to me, and treats her like crap and she won"t leave his side, she lies for him and said she is scared n does'nt want to end up bk in assisted living. What on earth can i do to change her mind? Feeling frustrated in Michigan!!!!Please help!!! V.😥
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I live in California and have parents who are getting older now and things are unfortunately starting to go downhill. I work full time and have a generally busy lifestyle and wasn’t able to be there to care for them. My father was slowing slipping into dementia and it was getting harder to ensure that they were safe while I was away.

The last thing I wanted to do was put them in a home as I knew it would just crush their spirits even further so I went on a search to find alternate in-home care options. I went through a couple of different services but wasn’t really happy with any of them – then I saw an ad online for this company Helpio – they offer in-home care services for practically everything and all their staff is well trained. I can set everything up from my phone and they even offer 8 hours of free care!
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This article was very helpful. At least I know our family situation isn't unique.
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This is a good article. Interestingly, my siblings are fine. It's my parent's siblings that are not. While I can understand their concern about their 89 year old brother's care, they can not help inserting themselves (with good intentions) where it is not in accord with the wishes of my brothers, me and my mother. They are very intelligent and aggressive individuals who have always gone above and beyond to locate the "top doctor" for their personal treatment. My father's wishes are for no extraordinary means of preserving his life. After 2 months of severe illness they don't understand that the case is complex and has multiple issues piling on top of each other that is likely to mean he will not be cured. It's clear they think we are not doing enough. But we disagree. We are looking to give him a good quality of life while we can. How do we nicely tell these well intentioned people to back off? It is to the point that they are circumventing the system to get medical records where they are not authorized in order to get a doctor that is 2500 miles away to review the case. They won't let up!
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Its great! My sister has constantly criticized the way I take care of our mom. My mom is in good health and doesnt have alztimers or dementia and she is 90.
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"Both" my inlaws were in our care, first my mother in law till her passing in 2005. My father in law was with us "9 weeks" later after her passing, after my husbands siblings took off (i do mean literally) and they hid, because they knew my father in law (who was an alcoholic/abusive & was in jail for attempted murder in his 60's) was absolutely "hysterical" about being alone & needed a place to live. We couldn't find an affordable place for him, because he literally had "no credit", or nothing was in his range to afford. And a nursing home never would have taken a man in his seventies who still drove and was an alcoholic . So, we didn't know what to do, no one offered a home for him, so he ended up with us. (Regardless of his past & habits, we knew we had to do right by him). He's been with us now over 8 years, now 85 yrs old, dimenshia , cancer patient, on breathing treatments all day, oxygen at bed and his walking is getting worse. He has "some" independancies, but now getting very minimal. "My husbands siblings came out of hiding "after" they knew we ended up dealing with packing up the house that my in laws rented for 40+ years, handling the staggering funeral expenses for my mother in law & the costs moving him into our home! "Their excuses" ? "We're broke, can't afford to help with moms funeral, moving, looking for a place for dad, nor move their father in with them ". "Amazingly", they all bought new cars (not used) and got new places to live with more than enough room to take my father in law, and take several vacations & cruises annually. But not till they knew he was already moved in with us.
"Why are they like this" ???
Because my two sister in laws & one brother in law are "exactly" how their father lived his life...."Alcohol/drugs & self-centered to the hilt & the one sister in law oddly married a man "identical" to her father! My husband (the youngest , we are early 40's, is the only one who took after his mother, quite the "opposite" of being self-centered). He hated his father for his abusive nature and seen his ways spill over onto his siblings growing up, his concern was for his mom, who took ill while he was quite young). "Not once" (in over 8 years) have any of them offered money to help, never have come to our home to visit him, offered food, drive him to appts, call us to say "hey we'll take him for the week so you guys get a break". "Nothing", no different than when my mother in law was here. (We have to kiss their rear-ends to get one weekend a month at only my one sister in laws house, but it has "stipulations" by her alcoholic husband). The other sister in law (65 yr old drunk) gets him one Saturday every two or three months, because she's usually on a plane or a cruise ship, but complains she's broke & "sooo busy". My brother in law (60 yr old drunk/drug addict ), had him "one time" over night. He lives in "drug ville", so we worried about my father in laws welfare being there and completely stopped that . Actually my father in law told us he was afraid to be there. We are his Powers of Attorney for everything, as far as his "Will", well , he has nothing. Except, "Burial plots"! My one sister in law with the "alcoholic " husband want those plots, so they can get out of laying out cash for their own spots This particular sister in law calls every Thursday evening to say hello & do her "daddy's little girl act" , via the phone. It's repulsive for a 55 year old women doing this, makes me ill when she plays the "I'm your little girl act" to my father in law . My father in law falls for it to an extent, but now that we removed all his alcohol and he has not drank since diagnosed with colon cancer back in 10/2011, he is seeing things from a different angle . He's kinda seeing through my sister in law now & mostly her drunk/abusive husband ! He yells at him & gives him quite some lip too, which gives my husband & I a bit of "comic relief"! She complains all the time about her husband , they have no kids together , their kids are grown & all over the age of 26. So my father in law comes down on her to pack her things and leave him. "But she won't ".
But here's the twist...she's a "closet drunk", who looks like a old fashion "school marm" and has some very "bad" things swept under her carpets! She's hiding quite a bit actually (we found out through my father in law & through people's posts on Facebook) , and she will "never" leave her husband because he has threatened her that he will tell the "entire" family of some very bad things she has done IF she leaves him ! "I call this, Karma" :) We "almost" lost our home to handle my mother in laws bills & funeral, literally . Their was over $20,000 we had to handle as we were her POA's and my father in law "refused" to help! let alone my husbands siblings. His words where: "Those are her bills, not mine & I'm not getting a loan and going in debt because of my dead wife"! See what a self-centered man he was? Now, hes a very very sick old man. And he knows he did alot of bad things, and sadly , he now sees his three other children have turned out "exactly" like him...."except" the youngest, my husband. Who he treated "horribly" growing up, along with my mother in law. The other three were treated differently by him, because they use to help him hide things from my mother in law. Amongst other things he was doing . My mother in laws funeral was "horrific ", I can't even describe the disrespect that day. People in cut off shirts & shorts, alcohol on their breath, some stoned . People gathered in a corner passing around booze while the pastor did the service. Of course we seen many "Dragon Tears" (Guilt tears). I never seen anything like this, I just wanted to close the lid to my mother in laws coffin....so "in death", she didn't see more of this crap. It was so bad. The pastor pulled me & my husband aside asking us if we wanted to end the service , we said yes. And finally got her laid to rest. "My god it was awful". So, now we have full reins regarding my father in law. I personally have already made my father in laws arrangements. He will be cremated, no one will see him. And their will only be a small service & no cemetery. We are selling the burial plots after my father in law passes, but keeping only two for us (their are eight plots), mother in law is in one, we will bury father in laws ashes privately . So the other four plots are being sold. Or they have to buy them from us , as we did change his Will over four years ago. "They get nothing....but their own guilt". And they can bear that type of weight on their shoulders till their own demise. My husband even told his siblings, the day he leaves this world , is the last I ever see of any of you. And that's the truth! Our marriage , our finances, our physical & mental health was abused by the sheer lack of help with their own mother & father. We will prevail , no matter how much more happens. But we won't have regret or shameful guilt on our heads. I suggest to "any" caregiver. Contact Your local"Aging & Adult Services" to see what type of help you can get! As of now, I have an aide once a week to help with personal care, physical/Pulmonary Rehab twice a week & a transportation company that takes him to & back for the Rehab. (all paid for). As well through Aging & Adult, we applied & got him Medicaid! (It helps pay for almost everything like medications, doctor co-pays, specialist co-pays, etc) stuff we just can't afford anymore! They have been our "only" help, a true god send! And when he gets worse, they will help us get him in a "good" nursing facility. As well, we have not been on vacation since "2002" (I'm not kidding). They offer "Respite Care", he will go to a nursing home when we can afford to go away! And it's paid for through Medicaid. This May 2014, we finally are going away for a couple weeks, it's been 12 years since we had a "actual vacation" . "It's our 15th wedding anniversary & birthdays gifts to each other ". I think we've earned it ??? If "you" have the parent under your roof....and no one else "offers" to take them, nor offers to help in their care, the financial aspect, handling doctors , referrals , medications, food, personal care, transportation to appointments. You most certainly need to get a noterized " Full Power of Attorney " in your name & take full reins. Because this is 20 times harder than raising children! I have to work from home to do this, my husband takes tons of days off to give me a break , "not like the siblings are gonna take off & give some needed help". Also contact "Aging & Adult Services", get the help you need for "you & your parent"......you deserve "help"! And if no help is coming from the "other Siblings" in "anyway, shape or form"....get any "Will" changed now. They deserve "nothing". IF a sibling is attempting to reach out, "don't" dismiss it.....take the help, maybe you and your sibling/s may get through this most difficult time together and not end up in our position!
Good luck to all going through this, the hardest job you will ever face. Not easy watching mom/dad fading right in front of you. And no one to help!
Don't forget there is help, "Aging & Adult Services", it don't hurt to call and see what they can offer you !!! Good Luck ~
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Great! Needed this info!
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I have been trying to find answers... my family has been through hell and back, I moved back home to care for my grandpa just to keep himn out of a nursing home then after he passed it was instantly a battle over money and they werent even really concerned with what was best for my grandma whom is still living, they all except one sibling were full of jealousy and greed, and all the other wants/wanted is what is best for her mom, at one point they all 3 siblings were power of attourney etc. and mutually decided where to place grandma, then obviously this eventually didnt work, so they went to court twice once over a will, and the second time it ended with a court appointing a court neutral...... MY question really is when this court appointed neutral guardian/ or lawyer is not doing his job how do you go about filing a complaint on this to put a stop to things they are practically endangering this elderly person and her needs. the neutral is even refusing to listen to what her doctor of 20 years is suggesting, threatened to change her doctor just because for what ever reason he doesnt want to hear what she has to say on what is best to do. he for some reason has moved this her or my grandma 3 times in 3 weeks and refusung to listen to any medical advice from her primary caregivers is this endangerment, and can I personally do anything about this, I wish I could seek legal advice or find more online.
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Boy do I have a really bad situation. I have two siblings and the brother is married to a control nut who wants guardianship of my mother's person & sister only wants the control of the money. We are in a battle right now. Since I don't get along with their selfish ways and I've had very little contact with them in their ways I feel guardianship should be given to a neutral party. They have even made up horrible rumors about me to take my mother out of the house to live with them. They are now asking for $1,500 to care for our mom and $225.00 for her food. And are even asking to be reimbursed mileage for appointments they take her to. I lived with her for six years and never ask for a penney. No outcome yet. They are even asking for reimbursement since they took her three months ago for her food of $775 and $4,500 for her care. All they have to do is cook something for her to eat at dinner and maybe put toothpaste on her toothbrush. What are your thoughts..help????
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My 84 year old mother has dementia, some days are good ,some so not. She has lived in Ky. except for the last 3 years. My sister whose name was on her deed sold moms home and everthing in it and took mom to Ga. where my sister has lived for the past 15 yrs.I call my mom about 4 times a week. She wants to come back to Ky. to live and everytime I start setting things up, my sister tells my mom that if she leaves Ga. mom will never see her again, that I won't take care of her,etc. My sister has always been able to control mom and she is very
vindictive towards me. What can I do?
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My 88 year old father died 18 months ago in my bedroom. My boyfriend and I were with him when he died. I went to the funeral home the next morning, made all the arrangements, organized the memorial service. My 2 brothers, who live 1000s of miles away, showed up for the service and then went to my house and scattered Dad's desk papers all over my kitchen table (to "help" me) and then left town. My 87 year old demented mother and 49 year old disabled (CP) sister are here in town with me, and my brothers never even call/email me just to check in and see if I am okay. Once Mom dies it'll be just me and my disabled sister. I can't remember ever feeling so isolated and scared.

Nina
Austin TX
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What about the situation where the siblings don't want to take responsibility for their parent themselves, but are so viciously competitive and jealous of one another that they can't stand to let another sibling do it?
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Good reading. In addition to you stipulating that you'll be Primary Caregiver--all siblings must help out for at least 8 hours at a time or break it up to whatever you need. ...but also stipulate that if it gets too much for you to handle and parent has to go into Nursing Home (NH), that you be asked, rather than told that this is how it's going to be, if you feel she has to go into NH.
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This was great reading. Thank you.
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know it brings out the true feelings on how they feel, they can be the worst,vindictive,jealous,coward,uncomprisng people in the world to me they don't want to help but they want their part.The part where they do not deserve it im am so happy how it ende up with my dads estates they didn't get NOTHING cause there was nothing to give only the items in the house they were bankin on money......nope!!! its so funny though they accuse me of spending his money and i did i won't be in denial on that cause i did but it was for dad and his home which they didn't finish after i was booted out and this is what they get....see in stead of working with me the went against me and they ended up with nothing..but on the other hand i did, my dad left me something and still today they can't figure out what it was i gave them three hints and stupid as my oldest sisters and brother was they still didn't get it so they got what they deserve NOTHING if they have left well enough lone all would have came out with something
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Dear Carol, I followed the link to this thread that you suggested in answer to the person with the Guardianship question. I've read your article before, and upon review, find your insights well written and helpful. Truth be told, Caregiving is difficult for many, and you have a good grasp on the brevity of those sometime-difficult situations. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
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