What a piece of garbage the nephew was. I must ask, why was he allowed to use her debit card and trash her place all those years? Seems like someone could have put their foot down long ago!

I care for my father in law 24/7, who lives in MY home, and get paid $100 a week by the state. That's it!
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My nephew, homeless and unemployed, moved in with my widowed mother five years ago. He was supposedly there so mom would not have to go to a nursing home and so that she could sleep at night knowing she was not alone in her home. Now he claims that my mom owes him ?? thousand dollars for being her care giver. For all those years, she took care of him. She charged him no rent; she paid all utilities; she charged nothing for him to store all his stuff in her garage, shed, home. This included junk trucks and motorcycles. He also bought almost all food, household supplies, gas for his truck, personal cash withdrawals, food for his dog and cat using her debit card. He expects now, after her death, to claim right to her property because he was the "hero" who took care of her. I offered to have her live with me in another state, but she wanted to stay in her home.
It appears that my brother and I are coming to an agreeable settlement regarding mom's small estate. I am just wondering if this kind of situation is common?
My nephew is a long time marijuana user who has a "who cares" attitude about life. He is expecting squatter's rights for living with my mom. Is this a common situation???
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Hi all, How is your caregiving day going so far? Busy, I'm sure! I have cared for my mother since her brain aneurysm and stroke over 20 years ago. karminstant, you are absolutely right in getting paid for the work you do. Of course you should if the parent is able to do so, why are we less important than a stranger who would have to come in or live in if we were not? I wish I had started asking for pay when I retired (early) in 2002. Since I had savings and retirement investments, I just kept paying out of my own funds and, trust me, it goes quickly without the good income we had when we worked full-time. I ran out of money in 2007, with only my small pension for income and my mother and i were having difficulty paying our mortgage, so good old mom sells it out with a reverse mortgage. I had to quitclaim my half so she could do that but felt I had no option because I certainly was not able to pay it by then. My father died in 2008 (they were divorced many years ago), so mom's income doubled with his soc sec. I was still struggling, and she never once offered to pay me anything. So here she is with the money, shoe on the other foot, and it has been very unpleasant having to ask her; of course, I always thought she would do the same for me while I was the one with the money! Wrong again. So, just a head's up, even if you don't think you need the $$ at the time, get your ducks in a row and get some pay, no matter how nominal. Some of our parent's generation are very frugal, to the point of ridiculousness.

,
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All this really came at a good time for me as I am now in the position of trying to find some type of living arrangement for my elderly mother. Recently she broke her ankle and is now in a skilled nursing facility, prior to that she was living in an independent retirement community. She has been doing fine , for the first couple of years, but even prior to her fall, my brother and I had been considering moving her to a more assisted type of living arrrangement.

Here's the catch, she is a retired school teacher who makes just a little too much to qualify for may government funding options, but not enough to afford assisted living accomodations. I have researched until I'm blue in the face, but money wise, any decent care, whether its in a assisted living facility or if we look at in home personal care living arrangements, is just more than she can afford.

Now, we are at the point, where she will be leaving the snf pretty soon and will be coming to "live" with myself and my very wonderful and supportive husband. Which is fine, however, we really don't want to make this permanent, as he is retiring in a couple of years, I work from home and can pretty much work anywhere and we are really looking forward to that timeframe.

My brother says he will help... but...I love him, but know he's "help" is not dependable. Anyway, all this is just to say, my hats go out to al of you who are caring for elderly parents, now, or in the process of begining to do this like me.

My prayers are with you all.

Gina
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Oh luvmom, I have 5 brothers, and let me tell you, they are way older and in no way interested in caring for my mother LOL And then my older sis is disabled herself, but she is totally in our corner all the way. Basically, all my sibs are so relieved and happy that my younger sis and I are caring for mom, so they don't care as long as Mom is okay. But I will keep the contract in mind; it wouldn't hurt! My mom is 80 right now, so I am hoping her money lasts! But it is all so expensive. You have a lot on your plate there with your mom too, and my heart goes out to you. ITA...the toughest job in the world and no one understands unless they have walked in your shoes! Take care! :)
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Absolutely you should get paid and you and your sister are doing the right thing. You mentioned other siblings thou? You never know if they will come after you saying they werent asked, or it wasnt fair, etc... so cover yourself and get a contract or even a letter signed by all and notorized. Good Luck, I wish my siblings would have helped. My mothers money ran out and I had to quit my job, she only has ss and va but so thankful for those so that I an hire help and get breaks. Mom lives with me and I am her 24/7. She has late stage alz/dementia, incontinent, cannot speak or barely see, its the toughest job in the world.
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Wow, so much to read here. I am amazed to realize just how much better off I am than most. My mother is mentally competent, but just disabled due to a stroke and cannot live independently. To keep her in her home, my sister and I take turns coming over and staying the night to care for her. I am the POA, so I make sure all her needs are met (bills paid, groceries, supplies, dr appts, including care). I pack my bags and stay at her house from Mon thru Thurs, and my sis does the same from Thurs evening to Mon morning. With my mother's consent, I pay my sis $500wk salary, no matter what she works. I pay myself as well. My mom is our employer and she pays the necessary taxes (we get W2s at the end of the year). Luckily, my mom has enough income so we can get paid. However, I am alarmed at some of the posts hinting there they maybe be some illegalities in getting paid like this? We don't have a contract. All my sibs, and my mother, agree to the arrangement. Everyone is happy with it. I may look into it getting a contract just to be on the safe side. It bothers me when some people don't look at this as a real job. But it is, and we deserve to get paid for what we do. If we weren't doing it, a professional caregiver...or a nursing home...would be getting paid. So why not us?
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The agreement needs to be in a caregivers contact, usually $15 an hour for pay (normally an 8 hour days pay, even tho she does 24 hours), and the POA or parent has to sign. Your friend needs to pay taxes on the money she receives and its about 30%.She needs to get 2 bank accounts and put her caregiving money into one and 30% for taxes into the other one so it will be there. I do it and use an accountant and this is what it boils down to, hense the $15 an hour. Plus she needs to be compensated or you purchase diapers, wipes, bedding, cleaning supplies, food , rx's, and heat/oil. (because the elderly like it hot) She also should have a break by hiring someone for 1-2 days .If she doesnt pay taxes and cashes all those checks the IRS might find out and she will owe it all back plus interest. She needs to get to a lawyer for a caregivers contract (her mother pays), and get an accountant for the end of the year (which her mother pays for). Unfortunately there very well could be arguments in the long run so she needs to protect herself and do things right or she will be broke once the family, if they do, report her. Any more questions , ask away, I have been doing it for years for my Mother.
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I have a friend that is POA for her dad. She & her siblings agreed to pay her to care for her since she was oo work. She has kept a detailed diary of what she does. She didn't take money out for taxes yet, so #1. Does she need to do anything special to do this or just go to her accountant? #2. Does she need to set herself up as a business and what kind of benefits would that be for her? #3. Just continue to do what she is doing?
Any advice for her????
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my question is i work full time, i need to my paid my bills. My home is in florida my is very ill pulmonary filbrosis any many more things. mom is mub still sharp. I travel 5 time to nyc from florida to care of them they also have home attent. i just want loose the benefits they rec from the govt. p. it's hard to come back home.. Is there a way i bring to live me & get home attent from here. please adv
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i have 2 disable parents , i'm also disable, i'm on oxygen an so is my mother, and dad he has dementa can't do things for him self, i want to live with them to help as much as i can, however if i move in with them i lose my medicade and they lose their extra help, need answers please, can someone help. Thank you have a blessed day !
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Thank you for your good advice. I don't mind stepping in and care for her but I just want to make sure its not as big of a strain on us financially. We also have twin twelve year old daughters who would be giving up a lot too and I want to make sure they are taken care of. I have to make sure we are okay too as well as her being taken care of.
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Hi 2000TWINS, of course your Mom wants it go to to her family but thats the way it goes, its her money for her care. She cannot expect free care nor can you expect you to leave your job. She needs to get a reverse mortgage or sell the home and pay for care for the rest of her life. IF she wants you, you need to make out a caregivers contract with her and she can pay you. You need to get paid, is not HER money actually, its the sister in laws inheritence you will be receiving.. Its common to do and let me tell you, with you giving up your job , once Mom passes, the "family will get equal amounts of whats left.(is any) Now, is that fair for you to give up your job and do it all for free when the other family members(your sister in law) will get the same inheritence? Keep your job and divide the work equally, hire a day person, do whatever you have to, but tell the family, and her, she owes no one an inheritence. And if they want you to take care of her, you are to get paid, or dont do it. Its a huge burden on the family, I do it, but it can be fun and rewarding and of course its the best thing you can do for anyone. With her decline you will lose all of your time to do anything, you cant grocery shop, or even leave the house , forget about your weekends, you wont be able to get up and shower until you shower her first. It will cost you at least $15 an hour just to go out for anything. You have a female MIL and a male husband, they dont do bathroom issues so you will be glued to the house. Believe me, think long and hard before you do this. You should get $15 an hour for 8 hours a day, even thou you will be realy giving 24 hour care. You will need to heat your house to 70 and have a ton of laundry, diaper expenses, etc. I hope we get the same care some day, be smart up front, make out a contract before you loose that job! UNtil her money is gone, she will get no help from medicaid unless she had an irrevocable Trust done for 5 years or more. In our State they tell you that you can keep your house, but then they put a lean on it taking back their money before it can be sold. Good Luck, been there, still there, love my Mom to death and I am here if you have any questions.
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I am getting ready to resign from my full time job to take care of my 76 year old mother in law for the third time. I took a leave of absence for a short time last year when she was trying to recover from brain surgery. I went back to work for a while when she broke her hip the first time. She broke it again within a month and a half. My sister in law does not help out at all. I know it is going to be very difficult for my husband, two kids and myself to pay the bills when I leave work to care for her permeanently. She stills owes on her home and does not want to file for medicaid in fear of medicaid taking her home when she dies instead of it going to her family. Is there any help out there for us or any way that I can get paid for taking care of her? Christie in SC
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IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF A CAREGIVER AND YOU RECIEVE SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS FROM YOUR DECEASED HUSBAND, WILL YOU BE ABLE TO GET CAREGIVER ASSISTANCE IF YOU RESIDENCE IS IN YOUR NAME...
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I was a caregiver of my Mother for 12 yrs! The last year she went legally blind, had 3 cardiac caths due to blockages, on top of dialysis 3x a week, 4hours at a time, she then developed cancer in her thyroid, which got removed only to come back in a year! Then developed Breast Cancer, which 12 lump was removed only to find after a pathology report came back still more cancer in there. But because she does not heal well because of her diabetes, Masectomy was (NOT) an option! So after all that, she has developed Dementia, and I am the worst child out of us 5 children! I sacrificed time with my daughter, missed many of her performances at school, missed many a parent-teacher conferences, because none of my siblings or grown neices and nephews would offer. I broke down and because of Mother's constant up and down all night and no sleep for weeks, I broke down and HAD to put her in a Nursing Home! No one was helping, there were not enough resources for Mother even with Medicare, or Medicaid. She even recieved SS. Mostly only about 700.00 a month. I am at a loss how the government always threatens the SS, or disability, or even the Soldiers Pay, but to ask them to make a personal sacrifice on their income, heaven forbid!! People do not know how many querks and perks they all get! Lavish vacations, season tickets to their favorite teams games at home and away, their childrens tuition free for "X" amount! What's their income for, more lavish immenity's. While most seniors and caregiver's get laughed at for trying to Honor their parents and show them the last bit of dignity they deserve before they leave this ole' cruel world, there is no consideration for anything! Make sure it is in writing, documentation, POW, whatever while they are sane or coherent enough to do it! Because it is HELL going through it! Also, "IF" you can get thru, Legal Aid can possibly help if the Elderly or Dementia Patient has Medicaid to help with Power of Attorney for the Medical or any other Legal Document.
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I'm new at this as my 81 yr old mother is just beginning to need more help. She lives with me.I want to know if I can quit my job and be paid as her caregiver. We are both nurses which has both good and bad points. I have two siblings that have POA. One lives out of town,the other doesn't really want to hear about it until she can't talk for herself. Another lives out of state and only see's her as a bank,the last one physically cannot do much and all his children have their own familys. I'm in a situation where she does just fine for a while, then starts falling alot. can't do simple things, has memory lapses etc. Now I set up her meds and makes sure she takes them and I have "custody" of the rest so she doesn't overdose. We are just now starting the process of investigating homehealth but since I work at night and sleep during the day,I'm not sure how this will work out. Any ideas ,suggestions, things to avoid etc. All suggestions and help will be taken seriously!
Thanks.
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Hello in Arizona, you will have to research this site for more but all I can say is its your parents that pay you. They pay down their dept (house, CD's savings)
thru you until its gone and then you "might" be able to get some help thru medicaid but it has to be a very low monthly income to get it, I couldnt. There is an Aide and Attendant plan if he was in the service and needs 24 hour care, that might help. otherwise, youre in the same boat as the rest of us. Look up caregivers contracts you make with your Dad, or his POA. Good Luck
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im new to this, i live in Arizona. I am taking care of my 80 year old father. Has Alzheimer/Demntia. I cant work cause i have to take care of him. i heard about being able to get paid. how can i go about finding out how to get more info on this? thanx :)
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My experience with Nursing Homes has encouraged me to SPEND my money while I'm young and before I'm confined. If I save it, it will all go to paying for my care in the Nursing Home. If I don't have savings when admitted to a Nursing Home, they will just take my social security check as payment for my care.
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If your Dad is a veteran, you should look into the VA's Improved Pension with special attention on the Aid and Attendance level. You can be paid for acting as their caregiver. You can learn more about this pension at VeteranAid.org I hope this helps.
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The best thing about the home equity finance is that the payment options for individuals who are availing the financial support is not very strict allowing them to have enough freedom and resources to allot their funds on their own basic necessities.
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I can relate to the unfairness of the system. I have cared for my mother for over 10 years, have gone through my savings and retirement, even lost my homeownership due to reverse mortgage. From being a productive, professional with a promising career and retirement, I now look forward to being homeless on my mother's demise. In the meantime, I do not qualify for any payment from the government, because Mother has a small savings she refuses to let go of. My siblings, who could help, but don't, have told Mother not to pay me, now that I have convinced her to pay me a little something. Is their guilt such that they want to see me sick and homeless? I did not want or ask for the job of caregiver, but was the chosen one by default. I have given up everything, and it hurts me to hear such insults from my own siblings. I have tried to help them both through all the years I was working, but guess it doesn't always come back when the shoe is on the other foot. They go on cruises, vacations, and could easily help out financially, if nothing else, yet they don't even want me to be paid by my mother?? Someone pinch me, so I know this is real . . . cruel, selfish, greedy people = my family. Sad.
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i live in Michigan and i am taking care of my dad he is 75 yr old he diagnosed with dementia do i get paid?
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This is such a huge issue these days. I'm watching my parents go through all of this right now, and it's just difficult. A co-worker recommended a book she saw on Good Morning America called Baby Boomer's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents by Bart Astor. It's a book that we've used to help my family navigate the financial, legal and emotional challenges that come from being a baby boomer and having to care for the greatest generation. Hope you find it helpful as well.
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I'm glad to have found this link. I was told by my tax advisor that as a family caregiver I was entitled to up to $35,000 a year. However, I draw $1500 a month to manage my mother's care. Have I been doing something illegal? If so, what are the ramifications? At 96 we're rather beyond past the 5 year look-back (another offensive rule) though she could live to be 100 at this rate. Because my mother has a small savings left, putting her in a nursing home - skilled nursing - would cost $450/day. However, drawing $1500/mo. or $50/day is a potentially punishable act?! Where is the sense to all this? The rich get richer (gov't officials, corporate ceo's, and the like, all have top health benefits for life, even when they resign) by the billions. The 1% struggle to keep our parents at home or are forced to spend down to put them into often inadequate nursing facilities. Nothing makes sense anymore. I welcome your feedback and advice. Thanks so much for any advice.
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Thank you both for your comments...it's the ugly but simple fact of caring for someone in your own home costs money, either in lost wages or just the increase in expenses and utilities. There will be someone that says I "shouldn't be charging my own Grandmother to live with me" but the fact remains....I'm losing money by caring for her and she has a little estate that can help with some of this. Is there a formula to figure all this out? How much should I charge? And shouldn't my sisters get something for caring for her on the 3 nights that I work? BTW, she has another daughter (my Mom passed 3 years ago).....this "other" daughter sends her a card twice a year, even though she lives close by. Thanks again for the support!
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Mommahags , in the end all usually get equal shares of the inheritance. Is that fair to the sibling who do not help? Either your mother or her estate pays yourself and your sister who helps, or the others do equal care taking, that's the fair thing to do.
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I don't see why she can't pay both you and your sister for care and you for room and board. Could she afford this?
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I am caring for my 94 year old grandmother in my home. I am a healthcare worker, generally working the 3-11 shift, three shifts a week. I have cut back my hours by at least 25%. When I am at work, she is cared for by one of my sisters. We do have her pay for any personal expenses, such as briefs, ensure, clothes, etc but I am wondering if I can assign any other fees to her monthly expenses to ease that loss in wages.
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