Stuck, just because your gripe is not as bad as other people's complaints, doesn't mean it's not important to you. We all have our degrees of craziness, maybe yours and mine aren't as 'crazy' but it's still craziness anyway you look at it.

Hey guys...thank you for your suggestions! It has certainly crossed my mind about that. I don't know why they don't help each other. I think it has something to do with looking like the big shot and entertaining to the tooth. After all they are guests in her/our home and they should not feel any less. It is more the old school "proper" thinking I guess. They all take turns having these things and most get around better than she does. I'll bet they would be happy to help if she just asked. Like I said, I don't mind helping...I just don't appreciate the last minute stuff. But it is nothing compared to the things others on this site deal with.

Great idea if she wants to continue with these social events tell her one of her friends can be the host her home and another can clean up if they really want to be there that will not be a problem for them and she will still see them and you will get a break to do what you want-sometime just a nap can be rewarding.

Stuck, does your mother have any friends? I mean is there a friend that you can call and ask to help your mother set up for one of her get togethers because you can't? Maybe it's time her friends, if she has any, step up to the plate and help hostess these things.

My Mother is a bit different as far as the mean comments and so. She has done that and we called her on it so she watches it now. She is different in that she is subversive in her control. Passive aggressive, they call it. She will worm her way around to get what she wants and if she doesn't she will come out with a bitter complaint when she has had a couple of drinks. It is almost funny to watch her work us if it were not so annoying. I have told her that I want her to have her friends over for bridge..just to let us know in advance so we can be sure to be available to set it up for her. So Saturday night she announces that "the girls" will be over Monday morning for bridge. We have been spring cleaning all day and it continued into Sunday...we were busy and when we finally sat down Sunday afternoon...she needed us to go to the store and pick things up for her. I guess she could not do it...she does still drive and still gets out some...but she just hurt too much to go herself...I guess. Then Monday I had to go to the doc and pick up her perscription and then go get the drugs...she was out and needed them right away. I had to take off work to do this for her. She could not go ...after all...she was playing bridge. Now mind you, I do not mind doing thies things for her if she is just really hurting to much, but this time I am feeeling very used. She also has a quilting gig this Friday too that we get to help set up for and of course the clean up. (She doesn;t even quilt anymore)

Well, it is extremely easy to get lost in the emotions. Especially, when you are with them day in and day out. I love dad dearly, but when I lived in his house for a time and his behavior was getting out of hand, I had NO patience. I only did it for 3-4 weeks. I have NO CLUE how people can deal with it for years. God's grace obviously. It is not an area I was meant to handle.

When I go to visit mom once a week, I can barely spend 30 minutes with her. We have nothing in common, she won't talk to me because I tell her sorry she doesn't agree with me, and it is a painful visit some weeks.

It is hard to watch our loved one receive their consequences, but they sowed it, they are reaping it. All you can do is your best for your mom, how you know how. The rest is up to her like it or not.

P.S.... walk away when you feel the rage, and ask God to calm you before you both regret it... He will.

Mitz, I never thought of it that way....you are right...who am I to hold grudges against people who Mom has treated mean? I know we are to honor our Mother and Father, which I do, and did with Dad, he has already checked outta here, but, there comes a time when Mom's comments and name calling gets in my craw, and I can't handle it and of course my temper flares and I start yelling at her too, using foul language, calling her names...I do trust God and I know He provides for me, He has proven it over and over again. This mountain really gets hard to climb.

Naheaton... to be honest.... no one can know or understand because it has not happened to us. The only thing we can do... is hope that we sow the behaviors we wish to be returned to us. Or we need to obtain the help in order to keep us in a right mind. Then pray we never need to find out.

Secondly, I would never be a paid caregiver or purposely put myself in that position because I know I do not have the patience. Money doesn't mean squat to me if its a job I will not do. Also, their memory is gone.... I doubt they would remember to be a little more grateful for not being in that line.

As I was reading this thread, I tried putting myself in the brain of someone who is hateful to the ones that love them, but nice to the person who is a paid caregiver. I think it's kinda like going to the DMV. You stand in line forever, then when your number is called, there is NO WAY you are going to be surly, or mean to that person. Because they can tell you to 'bug off' or some such thing, and you know it. No, you swallow the anger you're feeling, and get on with whatever you need to do. So, the paid caregiver who you know doesn't HAVE to be there, who can tell you to drop dead at any time, you are naturally nicer to that person. Then comes your loved one, who you know will take it and come back tomorrow, and now you feel the freedom to tell them anything you want to. So maybe the key is for more loved ones to act a little more like the paid caregiver in standing up for themselves, and let the parent/spouse be a little more grateful, for not being in that line at the DMV.

Wow, Mitzi! You said a lot. I wonder with my mom, who has mental incapacitation, if God's grace just forgives her, just as he does imperfect me. His ways are not our ways. Someday we may all be surprised.

Sylvester, let me share this with you.... you have to remember that your mom planted seeds with people. Now she is reaping what she sowed.

With my mother, she bought people's affections. She played the "role" of a person who cared, but she used them. They were also the type of people to take from her. You know where all these "good" friends are (church, family, etc)??? NOWHERE.

I found that I held the feelings of anger towards my mother. Angry about how she treated people. Angry about how she treated dad. Angry about how she controlled my life where I didn't think for myself, and the list goes on and on.... BUT....

enter God. My answer to the anger mentioned previously.... mom made her choices of how to live life. I was not accepting that for mine. She chose to treat people that way, and they chose to accept it from her. I could not change that, but I could do all within my legal capabilities to protect her. Dad also let mom behave that way. Nothing I could do about it. I understand why dad did it, but he took God's Word out of context. That is between dad and God in the end. I realized that if I was angry at how mom was controlling my life, that meant she was still controlling it. I don't want that for the rest of my life!!

All I know deep in the depths of my heart is that God is going to look at my mom and say, "___, I provided for your every need. I provided you help at every turn. Why didn't you take it?"

In the end.... I (really God has) provided my mother a beautiful and exquisite AL facility. God has given her favor even in this facility. I protect her until she makes her own destructive choices and then I just sit on the sidelines so saddened by watching her consequences.

Go to God in all of your emotions. Let Him heal it. No words ever spoken can ease the pain of watching someone self-destruct, but God can provide for you.

In the meantime, mom has ticked off family, friends, church members, etc.... and none of them come to see her or call her. You cannot hold resentment against them, because you can't understand where they were OR maybe they are not getting anything from your mom anymore. The well is dry.

Its an ugly cycle, but at this stage.... well.... I think you already know that answer.

sebring,
I TOTALLY understand the keeping things neat. And you will continue to fight this yet it is not going to change. You HAVE to let the neatness go, just a little, and learn to cope. I have actually SHOVELED up an entire set of beautiful busted china, that I bought her back in 1977 for 500 bucks. Let me tell you, put things of value, sentimental value as well away. Pack them up, you could lose them if he decides he doesn't want them anymore or, just ticked off that he is at this point in his life and wants to destroy things. By taking away from the cleaning routine, making things simple, you will find it takes less time to tidy up, AND you are keeping the environment safe for him also.

What REALLY urks me in all of this is how her "friends" have become distant from her, to withdraw yourself from a situation a friend is going through, is, in my opinion, as low as you can get. It makes me want to say, remember all those cards, gifts, lunches, and the time she gave to you when YOU needed her? Here is bill for all those services she gave to you. mitz, Mom has been in and out of the psych unit numerous times, this last time they told me that they felt as if they were babysitting her because she refused to take her meds. I've called ministers to come and counsel her, pray with her, and THEY ask that she start coming to church to be involved in the body for support. To no avail.... It's like you said, I have just begun to watch things play out, let them play out, my sisters have abandoned me to take care of Mom alone, yet I'm suppose to have a welcoming smile on my face when ONE of them visits once a year, and the other one we haven't seen in 5 years. It's not so much that I have become bitter towards my Mom, it is the bitterness of others that I think should be there to assist, support, show concern...and I know the Bible says to forgive. How can I do THAT?? Even after Mom is gone to Heaven I will always remember how all of these people turned their backs on Mom, AND me.

That is good advice, Mitzipinki. It's a tough task, especially when dealing with personality disorders, and mental incapacity, but we must fight to keep their problems from destroying us. We have to steadfastly determine that we want to be healthy, and find the support to do it! I'm so thankful for this site, and for the many support groups available.

My mom has never been happy. Since my dad had his stroke 6 years ago, moms world was turned upside down. Adding that on top of her already existing unhappiness, she became even worse. She ended up in geriatric psych twice due to her own behavior. I had to let things run their course.

It was not easy to have my mom screaming at me wishing I was dead, planning when her death would be, having her self diagnose herself as terminal and having doctors running tests to find nothing.

I say that to say this .... You are doing your best. Hospital staff will see it social workers will see it and so forth. You do not need to suffer this type of abuse. Sometimes loving someone is letting them accept their own consequences.

My mom is still accepting her consequences but I am off on the sidelines making sure her environment is peaceful. Mom has no clue what I do to protect her from herself. I hired a counselor to see her weekly and even after 18 months the misery is eating mom up spiritually. My mom is a grey pastey color and miserable.

Do what you can, but do not let her destroy you.

Awwwww. I have not heard that expression before, "cry wrinkles." Sad :(

She does live with me, yes, and she has had the "no feeling inside". God has left her", for the past 38 years... She used to cry so much, I should say sob, until she wore cry wrinkles into her face.

sebring, I can only speak from a brief moment in time as having to care for my parents since they are now in assisted living and I am the only child. What I found in my dad that made it so difficult caring for him, is that he came from another time. My dad was chivalrous. He is a gentleman to the extreme. Well when Alzheimer's set in he could not do things and when I stepped in as his daughter to help, how dare I a female assist him. It wasn't because he was miserable, it was because of how he was raised, but now he did not know better.

My father used to be a meticulous groomer. He would spend hours in the bathroom maintaining himself, cleaning his teeth, etc. Well now his teeth are yellow because he doesn't know how. He goes to the dentist, but there are certain things he will never remember to do anymore.

My father now cries easily when his routine is disturbed, so I try not to disturb it too much. A lot has changed in their lives. When I cared for dad in his own home, I was invading his territory. I was also doing it all, chores, errands, watching him, prepping meals, making sure he didn't leave out the door, and the list goes on and on.

You're exhausted. I'm not advocating assisted living, because it is not for everyone or not every AL is nice or blessed with good staff. But what I am sharing with you is that sometimes an intervention from a stranger, an adult day care, or even AL, can provide him more stimulus. He won't be nasty with you because you are seen as an intrusion into his life.

My father now, laughs, still can't groom, but staff can help and he almost graciously accepts. There are meals being prepared for him, etc. It is a much more peaceful time when I am with my dad now. Remember, this is scary stuff for both of you and none of us know how to "act" in these times, we just do the best we can.

im glad that my dad can still do a lot of things, what reallys bugs m though is being critized and called names when his mistakes are way worse than mine.we recently had to replace the carpet because im alergic to the 'bugs', nw we are peeling wallpepr in the kitchen to paint. he buys the wrong paint, ok, the walls wont absorb it becaue of the glue, any sugestions i give him he goes into the 'im a mechanical engeneer all my life! ive always had a job, im used to working long hard days' .yeah, and you walked 150 miles a day in the storm with no shoes to get bread, yeah dad, i know.whatever. but when he screws up, call me stupid, then is mad because i cant snap my fingers and its done, i dont have magic powers like that! so , three days later, the kitchen is stil messed up. im a very neat person, always keep very clwan, neat house/car. this stupid kitchen thing is so lame, if he would just not ut me down because that really hurts my feelings, i would think he'd appreciate someone that is wanting to improve the house, and our health, i thought he would respect the fact that im actually very good help, im fast and im good.he hates the fact that im a woman and i can lift heavier objects , move the heavy furniture, do projects well and not sit around 'i broke a nail, i cant work'.its a male ego/pride thing, i know, that , but it really upsets and offends me.if he were anybody else, id speak my mind and point out the dumb stuff he does,but i dont.
i am actually surprized a bit at myself, im an even temprerd person that hates to fight , but to be treated like ' i am woman, therefore i have no brains.' is offensive to me.it helps to come here, this site. very good info and people in the same boat as me...

Has she been like this all her life or is this since becoming elderly?

syl,
does your mother live with you?

My Mother is not only verbally abusive to EVERYONE, (except the police), she is also destructive to everything she gets her hands on. There is next to nothing as in knick knacks, books, etc. laying around because they have all been broken or thrown away. She refuses to wear shoes that I have bought for her, I have found two pairs of reeboks, brand new, in the garbage can. She refues tot ake a bath, her feet are constantly being infected with athletes foot fungus, she refuses to take her medication, I have even dissolved it in her coffee, which she must have figured that out because she now pours out the coffee on the FLOOR and says, you aren't poisoning me... she called the police tonight and the paramedics came and took her to the hospital, she jsut got out of the behavioral medicines dept. after a three week stay, they even said, " we are not helping her, she refuses to take her medication, we are basically babysitting her", my siblings moved 900 miles away in two directions, and I am left to carry this load all alone. It really sucks. I also forgot to say I have a scar on my eye from taking a full handed slap and she broke a blood vessel...I have been called every name in the book, except a milk cow, I'm tired of being ABUSED and I feel this is nothing BUT abuse.

I was just trying to simply say there are all sorts of options from pricey private to public assistance. Just find what works for you and your situation.

Hopefully something or someone can assist you so you can maintain your health. Get better soon.

Well that's your opinion...my opinion if there are already health care systems they need to be expanded with more help for those who need it. Don't think that we can't make this country better and just leave it like it is for those who need help to continue to suffer. That's what the whole push of the Democrats is to try to get this going. The government has it's hands everywhere why not this as well?

Well PrivateGal, I'm sure I'm going to get blasted for this, but hey... stranger's opinions don't bother me, but let me say this....

The government's job is not to take care of our parent's. Technically the government's responsibility is protecting our country and national security, but I'll digress there.

My mother is narcissistic.... no question and mix that with severe major depression (hospital diagnosis), its a bad lifetime issue to deal with. But thankfully as a caregiver dealing with such a difficult parent(s), there are many private agencies available to help our parent's at home or at assisted living facilities or even to the extent of hospice. There are government options as well, but you can decide on the level of appropriate care.

I think the thing to realize is that there are a LOT of issues and changes as being an elder. Add the fact if they have a tendency already toward dysfunctional lifetime behaviors, then it is going to go beyond the normal challenges. But there is help. Call the hospital and talk to their social worker. Look up home nurses and talk to them. Many start with a social worker to evaluate the home situation.

But regardless if you do the caregiving at their home, yours, AL or NH... realize that any of those choices is NOT an easy fix. It will just help you cope with all of the tasks. Even though my mother is in AL.... I still take care of a lot of her tasks, paperwork, financial, legal, previous home matters, etc. But if I had to deal with all that on top of the physical care, etc.... I'd be dead right now.

People here will tell you there are a lot of fears depending on people and that's completely understandable. But I know for myself, I make it no secret my mother and I have always had issues, but I still provide for her. My choices, my attempts at helping her, etc have all been documented. I do my part with a deeper love and passion because she's a human being and regardless she's still mom, but that does not mean that I have to like her. If I met my mother on the street as a complete stranger, I would never choose her to be a friend. However, if she was a complete stranger and I saw harm coming towards her, out of compassion for the person, I would still protect her. It is no different as my dysfunctional mother, but its learning to distance myself emotionally. I cannot get blood from a stone and I certainly cannot force my mother to like me, love me, or get along with me. That's her choice. All I can do is my best.

Take a breather. Walk outside if you can and take a couple of deep breaths. Then just open the yellow pages and see if you can find a starting point. Sometimes we don't realize how God provides if we just step out of our own way.

Hey folks I am back....well mommy dearest is slipping more and more into this type of deal. Lots of phone calls of whining over this and that and if you run over there you find it is not true. But I have to remind myself of what is actually going on. At first it was starting to make me ill 3 weeks ago where I needed to go to doctor because it was a constipation problem that turned into bladder infection, then she is now on a constipation trip. It's one thing or another...it's exausting...I wish there was a Government agency that serious will help us with this problem, instead of figuring it all out on our own.

Unfortuntly it happens and if we can realize what is going on it may help esp. if that was going on while you were growing up the parent will usually really care for the one they liked best even if that sibling is not taking any responsibly now it is what it is and is hurtfull to the one who is there doing what needs to be done-the ones who need to hear this are not going to be on this site so we need to get our support here and that is what is so great about the saints on this site we are able to get our pats on the back here as needed those siblings who are absent who needs them I do not want to sound bitter but my eyes have been opened I always thought talking care of a unappreciated spouse was as bad as it got boy was I wrong takeing care of a parent is another story and I am glad I am able to help my sister a little now-never planned on this but-oh well prey for me good folks,

One tip that I believe is very important in the article was to analyze the situation. Much of what goes I believe is on fear-based because their world has been turned upside down. And piratess, yes, with an NPD parent, the best contact is none or extremely limited (as I do just to provide for them in the AL).

I am grateful for the options that I have due to dad's wise handling during his life. He made this stage at least a little easier to deal with financially. Regardless its still a bear to handle and then add a parent with a mental illness like NPD on top of it.

Once a person hits a point where they can love that parent enough to apply tough love but still care, its then that they can distance themselves accordingly. I still provide for my parents but I see them for roughly 10-20 minutes a week due to my mother's behavior.

I've had to come to accept that I don't need to worry about what others think. Until a person has become a caregiver or had a dysfunctional parent they've had to care for, their opinion renders useless to me. I tune out.

All one can do is our best. Sometimes love and care doesn't mean being a doormat. This is a tough topic because their can be such a fine line. All I can tell you is that love comes in all forms and do not feel guilty for some choices you may have to make. Just be careful in how you make those choices.

I am very desperate to find help right now I've been working as a caregiver for 10months already and i love my patients we have 5 residents in our facility but one of them is very rude and very unrespectful to us caregivers...We treat her special but she knows how to fabricate stories that will make you bad. and can twist the stories to her siblings...we are obviously caregivers being abused by this 96yrs.old elderly. Even my co-worker who's a Black this elder lady abused her and say bad words and telling her visitors that this Black lady doesn't take good care of her which is not true because she's very well taken care of! And now she is very discriminating about our races. My co-worker which is a black lady and me and my husband are live-in caregivers and are both asians,she discriminates us too besides of being rude and with unrespectful attitude.Now i would like to have a clear copy of a law protecting caregivers from the abusive elderlies...I know that elderly people have their own law and protection against caregivers abuse but how about us caregivers being abused by elderlies which is still on their normal thinking and state of mind...Thanks I need help as well as my friends who works with us here and being abused as well by the elderly...

Bev, I have pretty much come to the same conclusion and outcome as you. We do the best we can. I have a post on here
"mentally ill parent", come join the conversation. You can read what other's have gone through with controlling parents at the end stages of life/caregiving.