callover, if you are like me, you will hesitate or even find it unthinkable to split your parents up. but Dad is the one who needs to move out and if you can keep mom home without him, great; if not, they need two different kinds of facilities. hubby is right; something has to give, you cannot let hateful abuse go on in your home with no end in sight, or it isn't really a home anymore.

something do

I agree. It will be the best move for my husband and me. It's just so heart-breaking to feel like I am "kicking my elderly parents out". My Mom is so fragile at this point that I am afraid she will just "give up".

I think you need to listen to your husband on this one. If you have a good, solid & loving marriage it is not worth losing over your parents' situation...in my humble opinion.

I saw so much of my own story in Sandra121's situation. Many people posting are dealing with just one aging, ill parent. My situation is complicated. Both my parents are living in the in-law suite in our home. I have always been close with my Mom, and Dad has always been a difficult person, always right, won't listen, a controlling bully, etc. When they moved here over 7 years ago, things were fine at first, as they had their own space, did their own things, etc. In the last 2 1/2 years, Mom's health has been in a steep decline, first with a broken hip, then a heart attack (brought on no doubt by stress). Since that time, my controlling Dad has taken over all aspects of her life and her care, insisting he knows all, he knows best, and Mom - who has always been submissive to Dad (married now 66 years) - cannot stand up for herself as she relies on him for everything (medications, cooking, laundry, driving to stores and doctors). Now my controlling Dad is showing signs of dementia and his personality is changing for the worse. He rants, yells, accuses my husband and I of any number of things, and is making our home life impossible. Trying to discuss things with my Dad is also impossible, because he ends conversations he doesn't like by walking away. It has always been his way; no one ever called him out on any of this, no one has ever stood up to him. This situation is heartbreaking. My husband has just given an ultimatum to me that my parents will have to move out next spring, and I am beyond stressed at this whole mess. Two of my three siblings (I am the youngest, at 48) know what has been happening and are supportive, and I am trying to contact my other sibling to let him know the situation. Really desperate.

Aunt & uncle try to control me like they did their own children and are verbally abusive. Yesterday, they refused to give me grocery money...said they needed it to give to their church. They are addicted to Mello Yello. I could have bought some with my own money but for the first time I decided to use a passive/aggressive approach. They are without the Mello Yello & other things they need.

Very true, I asked my brother to stick by me when I last visited my mother thinking she would be less verbally abusive to me in his presence. He said, "You didn't deserve that" which helped, but its so sad to have to have to have a 'witness' because I begin to think the words can't get any worse and then they do. Its so sad, she had a really wonderful life an lots of good times, I wish she could enjoy that. In stead she uses her wonderful life as an unattainable perfection that her kids have all failed to live up to, its making me dread my future visits.

Last year my mother broke her femur bone going down the porch steps from a family gathering my son was behind her. My father blamed my son for the whole thing. It really upset me and my son suffered so much for what he said. I tried as usual not to rock the boat just be quiet. Looking back I know this incident opened the door to the past. Bringing back memories that I tried to bury of the physical but most of all the mental abuse we suffered from him. I noticed it was harder for me to tolerate him after this incident. his negativity, controlling behavior, and one day It just came out that he should be ashamed of him self for how he treated my son of course as he has always done he stopped talking to me. Another form of punishment. You see as a child my dad would be angry about something at work maybe at my mother and he would ignore us as if we didn't exist for a week or so. If my little brother was crying he would force him to smile or take a beating. Complete and total control. I started running away, pregnant at 15 by a young man whom I guess subconsciously would take me away from this night mare. My brother became a drug addict died at 45 he had one daughter who had 4 children and is not raising one of them the cycle goes on and on. My brother suffered so much emotionaly. I was able to put my life in order married for over 30 years 3 kids whom I adored if anything I tried to give them everything I didn't have. Our mother was a wonderful woman but he mentally abused her so much. She is the peace maker. I also had to come to terms that she stayed with him and that was her choice. Even to this day he thinks for her, complete control. Now again he is angry and not speaking to me. I am 56years old and I constantly worry about my mother becoming disabled and of course I want to be there for her but how can I care for her and live in the home with him. Just a couple of months ago he told me he was going out of town for the day would I mind checking on her so I said well yes and she can go with me to a friends and eat with us. He said she is not able to go so I said is this what you are saying or what she says. He stated I live with her I know. The point is my mother is able to speak for her self to say yes or no but he wouldn't allow that. I cant hardly stand to be around him but feeling so guilty about my mom. He has even listened in on our phone conversation before without our knowledge but we caught on.

You hit it right on the nose. I always felt controlled but as my mother aged I was the only one she wanted. Always questioning where I was, what I was doing and why, and that I should be with her rather than be away. My Mom has since passed away the way she wanted to and we were told she was ready. I hate to say it by I do finally feel at peace myself even though I do miss her very much.
Do seek help if the control does become overwhelming because the control can be destructive to not only yourself but those around you.

njny - you have to learn to say no - to set boundaries. It sounds like your mother has always been this way and had "trained" you to do her bidding using FOG -fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you. You need to detach with love, and figure out what you want to/can do for her and say no to other things, Going back to counselling would help as well. You need to keep your own life and other relationships intact.

What helps is 1) emotionally detaching/distancing 2) setting up boundaries as to what you will and will not do - this does not mean convincing her of this, but deciding for yourself and saying no to anything that goes beyond the boundaries 3) support as you can get here, 4) more counselling

Google the phrases detaching with love, and also setting boundaries. There is much good information and also books on these subjects. You can also learn from websites about narcissistic mothers. Many of us here have the same problem Search the posts for controlling mothers, controlling manipulating, and you will find other threads. Good luck

I am 61 years old, a well-expected professional, but an emotional wreck when it comes to caring for my 87 year old mother who is still mostly independent. I am an only child (daughter) and feel this is what I must do, but the intermittent emotional abuse is almost unbearable. It has been going on since I was a child and now, although I am married, have kids and grandkids, I cannot enjoy my almost-retirement. Her demands are excessive at times and I know she knows how to get what she wants from me because I guess I don't know how to say no. What is wrong no with me and how do I fix this? I went for counseling in my thirties and it helped for awhile. I cannot believe I still have this problem. I am so stuck! Any advice?

Fancicoffee7, I was talking about those we are caring about and their fears. We have enough of our own, but try putting yourself in their shoes.

Being controlling, managing appts., the system, etc. is hard. Of course it can be fear based because I am afraid of llosing him. I am doing all I can, even if he doesnt cooperate, and even if it upsets me, I am sure it upsets him because he has already lost control and priviliges he once had. I try to understand alot, and I mean alot, but there come times where it just gets to you. I handle those times being quiet, and think. sometimes we talk about it, reasonably.

It's a balancing act... They don't know they're time-consuming and whittling-away your life, while they have this 'urgency' to live what's left of theirs (while knowing their time is very limited). While trying to help them and make 'their' life happy and comfortable, your life/youth slips away. It's scary all the way around. Combine this with no sibling help or family 'issues', lack of money, working the 'systems', appointments... no wonder caregiver's get ill themselves. We've all read posts here trying to help caregiver's get help... so, we owe it to ourselves to force outside forces to intervene and to get out at least once a week for our own health.

Well put yourself in their shoes taking care of their life that they once had control over. :X

I never thought that the controlling was fear based. That's good insight. Thanks.

This article is scary to say the least because it describes my family and perhaps a bit of my situation. I find that this situation could be enveloping me, and is one that has been present in my family history as well. However, my husband, who is a tolerant person, has no desire to be enmeshed in my family history, and is urging me to break free. I have a sibling, but he is male, and traditionally, it is the female-child that is generally responsible for the elder, and American though we are, the burden seems to be falling on me anyway! My mother, the elder, will not accept any help whatsoever from the outside. She will not concede to anything that I've proposed. She can live on her own for the most part, but she is forgetting a lot. She is misplacing things, she is trying to do heavy work that she cannot do, she is trying to go to the market alone, The other day she flipped out claiming that she wanted to die because she couldn't bear forgetting and that there was not sense in living. I have pleaded with her to wear her life-line necklace and she will not. She only wants me to care for her; not that she will admit it, she tells me to go (I have a home in Florida, but of course, I am hesitant to go at this point, in fact I am scared!). To top things off, and much to my chagrin, the counsel from her beloved and only "son" the word that is generally treated as gospel, is even being ignored. Moreover, and with much thought on my part, I have no other recourse but to leave her to her own devices, and to let her fend for herself until she realizes that she cannot do it alone. I don't know how else to get it into her head that this is serious. I will have my brother check in on her 2 or 3 days a week, and my daughter from time to time, but I need a break. Am I being mean?

My grandmother has helped to pay for the house we all share, so that my 3 Autistic children have a safe haven, I feel very grateful, but also bullied and bossed everyday to the point I try and avoid my own grandmother, she has always bern controlling but it has noe reached new heights, so glad to know im not alone.

Yes, caring with elders having uncontrolled behavior is very difficult. Your article shows that caregivers must handle such situations like this in a very good with long patience in a way that seniors can always be safe and sound at all times.

Bronwyn - my mother is 101 and still controlling or trying to. She complains constantly too. You need to protect yourself. and draw boundaries. People like that can never be pleased and no one ever does enough or does it right..

The article is really helpful. I hadn't considered the continuation of controlling behaviour. I have always been rebelling against it. My mother is 89 and is constantly complaining about everything anyone does. Looking at it with a new perspective!

I'm just seeing this article now but it is so very helpful to me as I decide what behavior I will tolerate from my parents, and what I will not. It is one thing to be exhausted from running endless errands (some reasonable, some totally unreasonable) through these increasingly frequent medical crises, but quite another thing to be bossed around and yelled at as I try my best to help them on a daily basis. On a good day I'm ordered around and then instructed to be quiet and told dismissively "That's enough!" when trying to ask a doctor a question or when trying to suggest something helpful. Some days are not so bad but I literally dread seeing them for fear of what will happen and how I will react. I found especially important the points regarding family dynamics (I'm the youngest - their "baby" and the only female child so double standards abound) and the loss my elderly parents feel as they were always very independent and in control. Dementia is not the issue. I now understand they feel safe to let me see a side to them that they don't show others (including my older brother who does not live nearby); however, the awful anger and guilt and sadness I feel after being with them have forced me to set limits, detach with love, to save my sanity. I have good reasons - I am also a wife to a loving husband and mother to a wonderful 11 year old who needs a healthy mom. I absolutely cannot fall into depression.

You have to remember that some elderly have sun downers or confusion and a lot of other facets at this stage. It will take some adjustment. I know that when I had to move my mother and father into an assisted living facility, the facility said it would take about 3 weeks. Oh not for my narcissistic mother. It took her six months. Oh man was it tough!! The staff was incredible through the process. As an only child, I could not take care of my father with dementia and my mother with all her issues. So I had to deal with the adjustment period, but it did get better other than the usual nonsense from mom. Pray, find an outlet for stress, and breathe. Remember now you have support even though your mother is still going to be taxing. Remember that for them they know this is their last stop. Can you imagine how unnerving that is? Its like they are being put in a waiting cage to die (how I always thought of it).

Do your best and rely on your inner voice of what you need to do. You know your mother best and what is best for her. These NH staffers are just getting to know all of you and the routines. Patience is a virtue. I'm just not always sure how much more virtue I need! :X

Need help and suggestions. Our 90 year old mother was just put in the NH, She has been there 4 days. the first day went great the second day she called at 10:30 at night and wanted to know why we put her in this prison the next 2 days and nights she was good now this morning a call at 5:AM she wanted to know
why she was put here and wanted to go home. She even threaten to call the cops. We have not set up a phone in her room yet and may hold off on that. She has dementia and alzheimers.Has good days and more bad days. She was still driving but we ended that when she went into the NH. She is very verbal and has a hearing problem which we got the hearing aids for. She is very verbally abusive.We are wondering if maybe we should stay away and not visit for a few weeks then she can get use to the routine of the NH. She is in a small room now but will be going to a larger room when one opens up. We have family pictures and a few things from her senior apt. to make it look homey. We really don't know what else to do to make her happy. She is very controllable and has never been wrong in her life. If things aren't done the way she wants them then she can be very nasty. Help anyone?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is my situation entirely. I have gained so much comfort from this web-site. Finding that I am not alone and it is not just me or just my mother, but just a process of aging. I have learned how to better cope with my situation and have some peace of mind and strength to go on. It is an amazing journey and I thank you all for the support and hope that you offer. May God bless us all.

Eugenie - you have done very well. I am thinking about cutting off from my narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder mother.. They don't change, but we do, and I am tired of the sick games. . My kids stay away from her too, on the whole. I haven't allowed my mother in my home for a number of years, as she was too difficult. She is 100 now , still pretty well and still causing problems, being critical and negative - emotionally abusive, and wanting to be the center of attention. I am 75 and want some of my life to be without that influence. Still it is not an easy decision. I have POA with my sis as backup, so my first move should be to drop that. My sis is narcissistic like my mother, so maybe she can handle her.
book - you have made so much progress since the summer (((((((hugs))))). I have been to therapy off and on and find it helpful. So much of it is setting boundaries, and protecting yourself, Therapy can help with raising self esteem too, and learning how to do the above. But you have to go with your own timing, and also find someone who suits you.
Good luck to you both for the new year. May it being positive changes!

You are so welcome. The reason I went to a Counselor is because I did not want to burden my friends or family. I simply wanted an unbiased opinion of what my issues were and how to handle it best. Basically I was looking for an outside opinion because family and friends usually side with you and they have a hard time also taking sides. So I sought out Counsel 2 x in my life, which were a long time ago, I would say about 20 years ago.
Regarding being afraid to bring up subjects. Look at this way. She/He is bound not to talk about what you say to anyone. You do not know them before or after. You will not socialize with them. This is only a bouncing board. You take what you take out of it and implement what feels right to you. You need to do this for yourself.
Let me tell you this, once I decided to make a change, it was like lightning. I made no threats or gave to many warnings, I simply adjusted my thinking and my decisions were rock solid. When I affected certain individuals, they were kicking and screaming, but I stuck to my decision and moved on. My mother is still kicking and screaming because I don't join her rant or behave in a manner were she succeeds in what she wants, I simply do what is right for me. You must do the same. If it doesn't feel right inside, don't do it. If you feel comfortable that's what feels right, then go that path.
I deal with over 250 people and I am a good assessor of people. Most likely because life experiences has taught me to be patient, even though I thought that I wasn't, but I was told numeral times that I was. By the way, I raised 5 children and believe me I was nothing like my mother. I was just the opposite, Suzy homemaker, the whole nine yards. Love was the big word. I showered my children with nothing but Love and made sure that I did not repeat my mothers ways. I definitively broke that cycle . My children know of my mothers behavior here in California and they are not pleased. Most of my children do not communicate with my mother, because as they say: "She is a wicked woman" and she doesn't deserve me or any one of them as company, because she is a mean woman. They are hoping that I can cut loose from her.
I will and once I make up my mind, I usually eventually do it.

No I don't mind you copying my words. Knock your socks off. :)
I'm hungry.
Later,
Eugenie (Midwest)

Midwest...outstanding advise!!

Midwest, thank you!!! I have been so torn about counseling. I really rather not see one. I did have one but I have problem bringing up subjects to talk about. I finally asked therapist if I can think about it and see what it is that i really want out of therapy.

I like your advice above. You are so right that for us of the dysfunctional family, that we want to make everyone happy. I hope you don't mind that I copied and pasted your words about how we can't change others but we can change ourselves. I'm also sooo glad that you gave some examples of doing this. It gives me ideas of How to Apply it! Thank you!!! HUGS!!!

Hi Book,
You are so right when you said "I get drawn to converse with him and then-Wham." That's exactly what has happen to me here the last 2 months. Everything for a short moment seems nice and then all of a sudden something happens in her brain, that is displeasing to her and she start on the attack. I started to guard myself and anticipate her roller coaster ride. My work place has noticed I'm solemn and I'm not a smiling as much as I did. I have to eek it out.
Yes, I think we tried to have a "normal" relationship and each time we get a kick in the Ass. I think once my mother passes, I will be sad for a little bit, but mostly I will be relieved. That's what most people say who have difficult parents..... Relief!
This visit was only suppose to be for 3 months, but as it is 2 months was enough. She wanted to be here for the Holidays and Birthdays, mine is in February, so she will not be here and I'm not a bit sad.
I will never live with her, nor did I ever contemplate the thought, she did, few years ago when I got Divorced. She thought I would move in with her. Oh no! About 3.5 years ago an opportunity came along for a Job in California and I went for it. She was furious, because she felt I deserted her. I on the other hand grabbed the opportunity and took the Job. Ever since she has been calling me and crying all the time, how she can't handle things, but since she has been here for me to observe, I see she is quit capable of handling her business. She does have mobility issues, but that is something she could address, but she chooses not to. Her mind is all in tact, she likes to pretend at times she can't do a damn thing, but as I have observed, she is in full control. If anything, this trip gave me a good over view as to how she really is, because she has been doing a good job of making it look very bleak. Yes she is 85, but her heart is strong and our family has longevity on our side. Many of our relatives live to be around 95-100 years old. So she has a way to go and I feel very good that I saw how she is mentally, emotionally and physically. I will not feel any guilt when she goes back and then I will limit my calls and perhaps no contact. People who have a Narcissistic disorder, rarely change. And I have to stop enabling. I have to face the fact, she is that way and I can't do a damn thing about it. The only thing I can do is change myself and limit my contact. You spoke of counseling and I was able to talk my mother in to getting her in to counseling a long time ago by pretending that I had a problem and I needed her to come with me. She came with me and they interviewed me first separately and then her second. Then the counselor wanted to see her alone the following week and she refused and said that " they think I have issues, and if they think I'm going to come back, they have another thing coming" needless to say she did not go back. I spoke with the Counselor said to me privately that they did not need to see me, they saw that it's my mother who has major issues, but she has to go on her own. If you feel you need to talk to a Counselor, then you should. I have gone a while ago when I was going thru marital problems and huge Mother issues and I learned something valuable: "You can't change others, but you can change yourself." Once I got that thru my head, I made enormous changes, that almost shocked everyone. I got strong and I simply followed my heart. If something did not feel right, I would not do it. If someone asked something of me and I did not want to do it, I would say "let me think about it" and then I did and once I decided what I would rather do and what will make me comfortable, I either said yes or no and I always was ready for the No come back answer, because that was my weakness. I always wanted everyone to be happy and did things that I really did not want to. People like us who come from a dysfunctional family want to make everyone happy because we want to give, what we did not get, proper acceptance and genuine love.
I rest my case. :)
Hugs

Hi Midwest,
Thanks! I actually learned something about narcisistic parents with what you just shared. You know, that's almost like my father. When we are laughing and enjoying our conversation, he turns around and just insults me (e.g...don't talk when you know nothing about it...or turns what I said to something negative against me..he's very very good at that.) I never learn, when he's friendly, I get drawn to converse with him, and then - Wham! He says something negative about me (my hair, my looks, my flatchestedness, my belly is fat, etc...) But he's not as hateful as your mother - so far....
...I think because you and I have grown up with such dysfunction in the family, we tend to get used to ...the negative way we've been treated that we can still come back to them and try to have "normal" relationships with them. And we always get burned. We are such suckers! My take is that I truly need to seek counseling to dig up my past in order to accept what my Real Relationship is with the parents. I think if I finally admit it within me, then I can accept our current relationship "as is" and not keep trying to get a "normal" relationship like we're suppose to get. Does that make sense? ...
..If we had the cash, I would definitly put one of the parents in NH/AL. But they would take mom and not father (the problem parent.) As it is, we can't afford it...so, I do what I have to do. Please, whatever you do, Do Not Let Your Guilt ever Invite your mom to move in with you permanently!!! HUGS!! Book