Lori - Sibling relationships are a source of anguish for many caregivers. If you do a search you'll find lots of threads right here about people who are angry/hurt/frustrated by siblings who refuse to help even though they could. Many of us can relate to your feelings. I believe a lot of people engage in rationalization and self-justification when it comes to parent care - they agree that someone needs to do it, but they have a list of reasons to excuse themselves from participating. We all have our own lives, our own problems, needs, plans, goals, physical and practical limitations. It's easy to believe that one's own situation is unique and that the responsibility should be borne by someone else, someone believed to be in a better position to carry it out. The idea of helping out just out of fairness and consideration is sometimes very far from people's minds, even if the siblings have been close and mutually supportive in the past. It's baffling, and it does make that work of caregiving much lonelier and more burdensome. I'm sorry you're in that same situation as many of the rest of us.

Does anyone have siblings that could help with the care of our mother but do NOTHING to help?
I am so upset at their lack of help that it makes caring for my mother miserable
I feel drained and exhausted and sad daily

Hoosiers.... Sounds like your mom is just plain unhappy (and unfortunately, is making everyone else unhappy). I think this is typical when some people age. I think wanting or buying things (or demanding things) is them trying to get a 'temporary' happiness/satisfaction. I think they feel like they have an 'urgency' to get things or get things done... (my mother gets like this sometimes... I know how it makes 'us' or people around them feel anxious and it it time-consuming for 'us' to deal with)... I truly wonder how I will be when I get 'older'... I pray that I have (some) help around me and I pray that I will be cooperative and nice!

My mother is 91 she is soooo demanding always wanting something or someone to change something now she calls and orders things she does not need and won't listen she needs to be in a home but refuses!

My mother is 91 driving us crazy so demanding always wanting to rearrange or change something even if it was done a day ago all she wants to do is argue I am 68 feeling my whole life has been about my parents !

I have been trying to move my retired father away from the Ca. coast, (controller type with partial dementia), out of his expensive rented house for over 2 years.

Yet in his want to control everything, he collected even more at rummage sales.

Items he wouldn't let me sell online, and yet it only takes 1 phone call with my brother, who lives elsewhere, to say "Dump it out on a garage sale or throw it away. Don't bring the items with the move."

Those same items my father constantly refers to where is,
"...this or that?", with an immediacy that goes quick to anger,
and even calling the police many times (because, I couldn't find his gun, or I wouldn't let him operate a circular skillsaw, so I hid it).

In a case, where I have not been properly compensated, as his caregiver,
all I have are these boxed items, and my brothers say trash it all.

Many of the Items I have already inventoried, packed and pre-listed, ready to sale online. Seeing as how, I'm the caregiver, I get really fed up, my brothers are treating me so callously.

The house items are mostly boxed up, 300 boxes, and have been, for over a year. It's a case of my fathers complete obstinance, instead of logical decision-making being allowed by me.

Other mundane excuses are created (the weather, etc),
while his savings is being drained, losing him or I chances
to buy at least a small house, elsewhere.

There does not seem to be help in my situation,
as my siblings are too attached to the area to help him move.
Thinking there is some great inheritance for them,
if he never gets a house.

It's become too stupid a situation,
and the anxiety caused to me as his caretaker has over-taken its toll.
My tears are too close to fall, as the others retain their stupor of wishful thinking to fill their greed-wanting bank accounts.

Thank you for your forum, anyway.

I am currently handling a family member who is very difficult though her behavior is NOT related to aging or dementia. I do professional caregiving as a living and as well, have cared for my own Mother (who had Alzheimers) and other ailing relatives. Unfortunately, in my current situation, I am now dealing with my aunt who falls into the NPD or Borderline PD although not diagnosed, she's always been this way. My elderly Aunt whose toxic victim playing behavior has always sent others running to the hills. I'm trying to figure out the art of "detaching"... It's difficult being around her much less on the phone, as everything is said in the context of woe is me and no matter how much consoling, caring, compassion, listening or understanding one gives, it's never enough. On top of that she's suspicious of anyone who is nice to her and finds fault with their intentions. For eg., when her husband died and a family member went to visit just before his passing, he ended up staying a month to try to help her and to be just be supportive through it all. I am 3000 miles away and was grateful that he was there doing all he could do to help her, but she continually whined and made inferences about him only being there because he was closer to my Uncle or that he was only there when it happened because he already had other business to take care of at the same time, so it was no inconvenience to him. In other words, instead of seeing it as an act of love and care for her, she found fault with it. When he went home he continued staying in touch and helping her figure out her finances because according to her, my uncle kept her in the dark about everything. Long story short, he was at the end of his rope and has given up on trying to please her. He's totally walked away. It's not just the "complaining" she does, it's her constant emotional state which has always been like a tightwire and everyone "must" be subservient to it. This is very hard on me because I've been through this to some degree with another family member, though a challenge, was made easier because she was actually physically ill. My Aunt is physically healthy, but it's her emotional/mental state that is toxic. Still, I'm compelled to help. I try to hold onto the few nice memories I have of her and knowing she's completely alone in the world, can't just leave her. At present, she has made me her POA (w/o asking incidentally) and so from this distance I've been trying to handle some of her financial issues. In time, I am going to have to either go to her, or have her come to me and though that's up in the air for now, I still have to talk on the phone with her a few times a week. I'm practicing the art of detachment and limiting the amount of time I give her on the phone. One thing is certain, no matter how much love and care I try to communicate and show her, she is the type of person that if it wasn't me, she'd just as soon it be somebody else. In other words, anyone will do. Which is sad for me to realize. She doesn't really know how to love or appreciate people, especially people who are genuinely loving, caring and supportive of her. She incessantly talks about needing people, being alone and how she never had a mother, yet showing compassion to her doesn't do anything to help her with her anger, sadness, or incessant complaining. Sadly, once people are around her or start getting to know her, they try to avoid her. Nothing you tell her about dealing with her anxiety or any other constructive thing has any effect. Her own children want nothing to do with her, they've been estranged for years. So, as you can see, I'm between a rock and a hard place here. I know it doesn't bode well for our relationship and I pretty much expect that I will also have to walk away from the situation out of the need to self preserve after she pushes me to my limit or accuses me of misunderstanding her, therefore 'I'm rejecting her like everyone always does', when the truth is, she and her own behavior is both sabotaging and rejecting. I'm definitely looking for ways to handle things with her before anymore major decisions are made.

It is so hard to handle these difficult situations. Just a few minutes ago, my mother called to tell me I had finally done the worst possible thing--made her feel like an old piece of "-hit." I had no idea what she was even talking about--she was screaming--all this because I suggested she put a friend's husband's name in her cell phone in case she ever needed help and no one was around. She was appalled that I would think she would want a man to help her! I told her he would be great if she had a clogged toilet, got stuck in her car, etc. She screamed, "Sure--let's hear you try to get out of this one." Oh brother. She has worried for years when I go out of town about who will take care of her and then gets upset when I try to get someone to take care of her. She is healthy but emotionally very unpredictable. But, I am doing AOK! I have been seeing a counselor and my mother has crossed the line so many times that I have realized the mother I have has never been able to love me or anyone unconditionally --my whole life--and it will never happen. Not only that, I have tolerated her emotional abuse since I was a young child. She has her problems from childhood, but I am not responsible for them. She could still choose to be kind. I am proud of you, John's Girl, for standing up to your mother. I have more or less given up on that because I see no hope for our relationship to ever be real. I will continue to help her around the house, do errands, etc., but the emotional connection barely exists for me anymore. I am sad she always thinks the worst of me when I do so much to help her every single day--she even thanks me regularly, but she is so volatile and has such a nasty streak, I have to be on guard at all times. I am now just able to do my chores and not let her stab me in the heart over and over again! Toughest work I have ever done. But, I did it. Never thought it could happen.

You all have already started to strengthen me.. After cussing at me and hanging up on me, I refused to answer after. When several hours passed and she was trying to apologize- I got real with her. Stood up for myself. We are going to try to just eat together on Tuesday and she try to enjoy what is good about life. We will see!

You MUST stop paying their bills and covering all their wants upon request. If you are POA, it is actually your responsibility to manage their finances responsibly when they are unable. It sound like you felt and feel obigated to come up with money when there was/is none and never to say no. THis will not work. THEY should file the bankruptcy, not you. Get Legal and Financial Help, starting about 8 years ago.... no seriously, find out what your options are, they will liekly need and qualify for Medicaid, there may be an ElderChoices or some kind of home care waiver program via an Area Agency on Aging, and my GOD no more paying for cigs and alcohol!! Time for the craziness to come to a screeching halt... actually way past time.

I am new and glad I found this. It's like I've been dumped into a whole new world I never expected or asked for. I didn't visit yesterday. I went today briefly on my lunch and brought her a nice rolator. She asked me why- and I told her because she was going to get out of her room and meet people and find her place in her new life so I could take my place in my own. This was some independence as I read a lot of folks say that was hard on elderly. She then asked me why she had to be there. Then her legs gave way and she said Nevermind. Someone suggested i go to a codependent group? Thoughts?

I'm sorry your going through a tough time John's Girl. I think you're new to this site and that's a very positive thing... You have a lot of company here that will listen and offer advise, so keep on writing... And, reading... It's been helping so many of us... Remember, there's nothing wrong with you... You're doing the best you can.

I am having such a hard time with my mother who has been emotionally abusive to me my whole life. She's now in nursing home as I couldn't handle her care in my home anymore and drained all my savings hiring help for her, but she demands no less of me, maybe more. Before work, during work, after work, wants more and more things and they aren't reasonable, and she isn't appreciative.

Hi great article, My Dad is 92, and his controlling ways are hurting My Mother so much, he nags her, berates her, he has to be right or else, My Mother just had surgery and I think she is not healing well, is because My Dad will not stop telling her when to eat, take her pills, etc., He is still driving, eeeek, has only one good eye, and is deaf, I have tried to get him to stop, but he refuses, and My Sisters, Brother, will not support me, I think because they do not want to stop their lives and help me, I moved from Seattle to care for them these last five years, with their different health
issues I am not able to work now, later, yes, it is almost everyday we are at their Doctor office for different reasons, but the real Great issue is My Dad's CONTROLLING NATURE, abusive to My Mother, she is so stressed by him HELP!!

It is ok but my elderly have put all their assets in my name to care for them. Well the first home sold and they spent all the money on medical needs, hearing aids, remodeling and repairing home they live in. Mom loses everything, she lost her $7,800 hearing aids and she said go get me more tomorrow. There is no money left. She wants new carpet in the present home. She wants new blinds on 15 windows. Home is 3300 sq. ft. They won't move, dad has Dementia and Sun Down Syndrome. Their dog needs hip replacement and mom wants that done next month $2,000 dollars. I am their caregiver because my sister choses not to help. I am wore out, Tired, want to run away. I quit my job and starting being their caregiver 8 yrs. ago. I told her there is no more money left. She says use their SS check. There isn't enough money to pay their medical supplement insurance, drugs, hospital stays, food $800+ monthly, cigarettes and alcohol $600.00 monthly, ir utilities run about $600 monthly. They only get $2200 monthly. I buy their clothes, shoes, get repairs done by handyman etc. I am going to have to file bankruptcy because I cannot afford to pay all their bills with my money I need to pay my bills. Please help me. I have prayed, and I am praying. Amen

Did you ever ask yourself what happens if she doesn't want to reconcile? You need to prepare for that and forgive her even if she remains estranged. It's painful to face but it's a possible reality.

This is a really good article and I found some of this information helpful in my present situation. I don't really know my mom because we have been estranged for many years. Now she has dementia and I am getting to know the real her which I don't always like, but I do love. I am getting support from a Home health care agency and for that I am grateful. I am 51 years old and I am praying for God's plan of reconciliation before one of us parts this earth. Family dynamics have been very dysfunctional a lot of abuse from my father and from her late husband.

My MIL, in residence for 10 years, is who she has always been, except even more so. Bubbly, high social need, non-stop talker who must be the center of attention in her Pollyanna world where we can only speak of pleasant things. My husband, her eldest son, is son/husband and I'm invited to leaving the dinner table to "go take a nap" so she can have him to herself. I am a servant. No empathy, compassion or thoughtfulness. Everyone loves her big smile and social chatter. Wish anyone of them would live her for a few days and try on reality. Her other two children pay nominal annual visits and never offer respite. I'm marking time. Perhaps the greatest words of the Bible ..."This too, shall pass."

Wow! I am very angry tonight at my own mother, there is simply no pleasing her, the woman has never had a happy day in her whole life. My Dad died 5 years ago, and he spoilt her rotten. He actually apologized to my brother and I from his death bed that he had made a complete fool of my mother by giving in all the time, and he told us we were going to have a very hard time dealing with her. Unfortunately, she should of been dealt with years ago, now it became my problem. She was cold, mean, and made nasty comments to me my whole life, I could never do anything right. Now I resent that I am the one that has to take care of her. How do I deal with this. She is in a long term care facility, they are also at their wits end, they cannot do anything right either!

the small things she goes wacko on is with normal mail --- she is afraid to open it or if she does open it she calls in a panic and says OH THIS STRESS' me out I don't understand , I am so scarred right now ...it's like hey mom settle down it's information on whatever --car ins , homeowners , health care , etc NOT a big deal . her mental issues have been getting worse over the last 15 mths . She is very good at talking to my brother and he sees nothing wrong with her ...yet my son called this morning gonna head to his gramma's she may be having a nervous breakdown --- I got him settled down ...but she does this more and more nice one minute going off tthe next into a panic . Thanks for the comments too I am going to have somekind of an eval done maybe my FEB !

Frustrated15, as far as I know there is no HIPAA rule against YOU telling mom's boyfirend's family what is going on. I don't think your mom is showing good judgement and with the loss of concern plus that and her memory issues, she should really be replaced as his medical POA. It is terribly cruel to leave him alone and isolate him form the rest of the family at the same time, and it seems your mom can no longer appreciate that. If you can get your mom a comprehensive geriatric evaluation, you may find out where she is functioning cognitively. It sounds like you need to get your mom to give you financial POA for her; I hope she is willing, as she is certainly free to give it to your sister instead or even change it to your sister if she has given it to you. Dad asking you to do it does not have real legal standing. But - it may be more than just mild cognitive impairment, in which case she might not even be competent to give POA (though then not competent to rescind it) and you might need to be looking at needing a guardianship. I defintiely see an eldercare law consultation in your near future if you want to rescude both these people you care about from some very difficult problems and preserve mom's finances to provide for care she is likely to need. Unless Mom's physicians find a reversible cause of her memory loss and cognitive dysfunction, it is only going to get worse. And when you say "whacko" over small events, if you mean minor infections or illnesses, you may be looking at full blown delirium next time or the time after that. When that started to happen to my mom, that was what finallly made me realize she was not going to be able to live independently again, and that I needed to act on that assumption instead of hoping things could still get better.

I have an elderly mother who has a bit younger boyfriend . He is now in the hospital . I have watched my mother go downhill fast--- she has little things happen and she totally gets freaked out -- completely WHACKO . I then have to see what I can do for her ...seems as though she can NOT cope ,says she does not remember things , does not eat properly . I also have to say she does not socialize with her boyfriend there is always an excuse ...she keeps him distanced from his family . Now with him in the hospital she has told the nurses oh we tried this and that and we can't get anyone to see the problem ---yada yada . She DID NOT call his son until 18 hrs after he was taken to E R which I think is TOTALLY uncalled for . She advised the nurses that (AND they think the 2 are married which is not so)...after the the HIPA was explained --the nurse said we don't have time to just keep answering the phone calls pertaining to him ...so my mom said that was ok she wanted people to call her for his updates that there was not any reason to have any others on the list . She can't recollect things well at all and will sometimes in the same phone call for get things in that phone call. So NOW the 3 family members 2 live far and one that lives close have NO ACCESS to info . There is more -- I also have a sibling that I THINK is working her way into controlling my moms finances and other issues that my dad (NOW DECEASED ) asked me to oversee any and all of that . What should I do or not do .

Thanks for your support. This forum has been great for me to express my thoughts and concerns. My husband and I will continue moving forward as best we can, keeping mom comfortable and making sure dad doesn't get any further out of hand. It's a tricky situation, for sure. I truly appreciate all the advice I've been getting here!

Time to contact social worker or Human resources nursing department to come in and set it straight!! Just call them up explain the whole situation and set up a time for them to come. Wishing you the best and stay strong! Hugs

I suspect that he is suffering a mild dementia, as his temper is worse than it was years ago. He forgets things and mis-remembers facts. Also, he has been deaf in one ear since childhood, so he naturally speaks at a loud volume. And I do see his behaviour as verbal abuse, but as they have been married for 66 years, my mom can't imagine being without him. There are so many things a reasonable person could do to bring down his stress level - meds, getting a hearing aid, accepting help from family - but unfortunately, dad is not a reasonable person. He can't be told anything, he's always right, and unless something is his idea he wants nothing to do with it. As with every relationship, there are good elements and bad. Mom puts up his rants because he does so much for her.

Catlover, that's awful...in fact that is emotional abuse. How badly would your mom miss being yelled at by him if he alone had to move out (or agree to take medication to give him less of a short fuse?) Think about this - is his judgement now bad enough so what used to be just a bad temper and difficult personality has reached a point of real, diagnosable impairment?

The few times in the past my husband and dad have "exchanged words" have resulted in my dad being explosive and ranting to my mom, who cannot stand the animosity. She actually cowers and cries when my dad gets to that point. I cannot allow my mom to suffer his rants when she is already emotionally and physically fragile. And believe me, as far as setting boundaries with my dad, that NEVER happens. My dad just refuses to listen, discuss, change his behaviour - you name it. He is truly the most stubborn person I have ever known in my life.

What are you afraid will happen if your husband shouts back at your dad? Have you basically been running interference so they don't butt heads? No wonder you and hubby are beyond worn out! Maybe hubby would like a chance to defend you, and it would not end in disaster but either establish a boundary on what is tolerated, or make Dad decide to move out sooner...or would that have undesirable/unintended consequences?

Putting my husband and my dad together in a room is not a good idea. My husband is a very reasonable person, but he is willing to shout back when he knows he is being seriously maligned. I can't blame him. Too bad my relationship with my dad has dwindled to this, to where I don't even want to be in the same room as him. I did talk to my mom on her own today, as my dad left briefly to buy a newspaper and I had about 15 minutes of alone time with mom. I told her gently that, although my husband and I would love for our home to be the place where she could live out her days, with dad being so miserable it would be best for them to think of moving next spring. I think my mom has also slowly been coming to that realization, too, so the conversation with her went better than I expected. Looking forward to getting some relief once the decision is made they will be moving out, and my mom knows should anything happen to dad, she is welcome to come back to live with us. She is so kind and grateful and it is a breeze to have her here. Still wonder how she has put up with my dad all these years! But as I have been reading on this forum, it is usually one parent or the other that is the difficult one.

I suppose the next question is how to break it to Dad that he can't act this and stay in your home.. Maybe you need someone else to be a "bad cop" like an outside social worker...unless you can empower your husband to stand up to him for you.