I have to say that this was the most well-written, clear and compassionate article have ever read about this issue. Thank you so, so much. It gives me hope that I can balance self-care with caring for my parents, one of whom is in the beginning stages of dementia and was always a bit controlling, and the other, who has become controlling as his physical health has declined. They are dependent on me, and that doesn't feel good for either of us! Thank you again.
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@terraoculta I am in the same boat an aswell like live with my mom.an as you explained.is a replica of my mom.she literally does passive aggressive attacks to full aggressive attacks from emotional abuse. Has physically tried to hurt.me to threaten to throw me out and talk bad to my family. Has put me down of looks. For my ex had a extremely paranoid an do whatever she can talk bad about him false accusations hacking her phone. Says there is cameras in the home.there's not.accused of stealing there wasnt.I hadn't to recount her money over an over and prove her she missed Count never apologized. Always finds ways to attack me.I did a app guess my age app .it guessed I was young. She said its guessing Im immature. I was do a board game. With my ex and son she later tells me ill you had a evil smile. And I and her where talking about my nephew I said he is sweet and caring and comes out of no where .to say yes he is my brothers my nephews and my son are the only ones that genuinely care. Because I dont agree and take her side in everything Im not aloud to point out she wrong in anything or being harsh Im breaking loyalty.Im not aloud to be unavailable or just not feel well an can't go with her.she adds it later to things that I didn't care .even though I have Brothers to help.she calls me fat and says my ex fault.tells me she is special and special relationship with god.if I have a fan on says i m inconsiderate an wanna live rich life. Its not even ac. Im doing it to deal with it.an she has a fan in her room .Im paying some rent and give her from my ex for utilities and other needs.an her rent in really low for her Services. Im paying majority. But she says what my ex gives not enough .even though rent 400 plus her check a few hundreds what I give her few hundreds .and what my ex gives. And.says not enough for spending and.her.herbal medicines and supplements she likes to buy.Im not even aloud to use the over or tv .microwave got to unplug. It really controlled. An she main owner an because I cared she uses it.and if I want use more than one.fan for a longer period.or over I got to pay more .if I'd tried to tell any family. no one believes she capable and would put everyone against told me I pissed her she.throw me out and called the cops and put Family against me.wants alot from me especially as she said. I once told her you want obedience. Told me my two brothers doit.I am not exaggerating she is like this .Im am 27 an she is 71.this is getting me sick.Im actually losing hair and recently diagnosed with heart condition. I don't know what to do.an I cant I have wait.partly for her.partly saving up and have no where to go.but this is becoming extremely abusive and is indenial an sometimes says I deserve her treatment
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I hear you loud and clear Terra...
(same here)
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I’m sorry but this part is just tone deaf -

“Hiring professional in-home caregivers, taking your loved one to adult day care, or placing them in a senior living facility is the best way for caregivers to distance themselves from destructive behavior.”

Except that controlling parents will NEVER permit any of this. I discussed hiring a geriatric care manager for my mother with her and she seemed receptive. A home aide was arranged (the minimum hours you could schedule), the GCM contacted her PT to discuss proper heights for grab bars to be installed, the GCM recommended a shower solution my mom could afford etc.

Then my mom turned around and undercut everything at the first opportunity. She is a narcissist and is deeply suspicious of the GCM (who is perfectly nice and competent), turned around and called in a handyman to install any old grab bar, and demanded the home aide go after just one week. Furthermore, she threw a tantrum in front of the GCM and accused me of railroading her and lying to her, which was deeply humiliating to me.

I’m feeling so despondent and humiliated that I just can barely speak to my mother (we live together unfortunately although I would dearly like to move out). She is not in touch with reality. She has fallen 9 times in the past year, including one time when she cracked her head open, and another time when she strained her neck so badly that she couldn’t feed herself. She is also nearly out of money and has no assets (she doesn’t own our house, just life estate) and she seems headed for a horrible Medicaid nursing home once she has the final fall.

I just am resentful of these articles that claim to understand abusive/personality disorder parents (trust me, she really is narcissistic, on top of the usual senior citizen loss of control fears) and then suggest airy nonsense like the above.
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I know this is an old post, but I had to chime in on this one. Siblings can come up with all types of excuses not to help with an overly demanding parent. My mom was an alcoholic for years. I can remember her drinking when I was six years old. This drinking behavior continued until she died of pancreatic cancer when she turned sixty-six. I had a sister who was born with Downs Syndrome and other cognitive and birth defects. I was the one who stepped up since I had moved back home after my divorce. I set myself for this. So, I have no one to blame for my decision but myself. I got my younger sister placed after three years of dealing with constant harassment from my oldest sister. My older sister wanted the house and didn't want me living there. I finally had my sister placed and moved out the family home. By then I had married a nutcase since my dating prospects were limited since I was strapped with my parent's responsibilities and my sister. I moved into my first apartment. It wasn't a bad place, and I got to grow up. I had one hindrance and that was my schizophrenic ex-husband who was the next caretaking candidate on my agenda. I had very little time to figure out what I needed and wanted for myself since I kept getting involved with situations where people required care.

The advice to people is do not and I repeat do not allow yourself to get involved with these types of people. If you must help, do it on your own terms. Do not give up your job, housing or move 6,000 miles to be emotionally abused by anyone. After this parent dies, you will be tossed out on the street in most of these cases with no recourse. If you are in a situation now, get a job and get your independence back. You need money and a pension to take care of yourself when your time comes to be taken care of.

Unfortunately, I am an older woman now with not many good years left on this planet. Don't squander your life away on people who don't care about you.
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Becoming a caregiver for an aging parent is a huge life change for so many of us, especially when we our parents tend to be "controlling". Home care certainly took some of the pressure off for me, and for those who might just be taking the step into family caregiving, these steps were invaluable as well: https://gracehomecare.com/caregiver-expectations/
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When adult children, in this case an only child are put in a position of being a DPOA and not knowing a single bit of information, at the hands of an emotionally abusive narcissist parent who will not accept help or divulge any pertinent information, where can that person go for help other than hiring a lawyer and bankrupting herself and ruining her credit and finances? How much abuse is enough and who helps it stop? Many times it is abuses against an elder, but that is not always the case. I find it hard to believe that when it is reversed, we are to overlook it despite all peril to finances and health. Sometimes walking away completely is easier said than done, when after the parent dies, you have a mess to untangle because noone took the time to communicate or care to. It's sad that not only caregivers but family have little to no recourse and the hiring of an attorney is a great expense that not everyone can afford or wants to spend money on needlessly.
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This is really good advice.

May I put a link to this website on my blog? josephsdailywalkwithjesus.wordpress.com

I know many of my readers are care givers.

Thank you
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Excellent article. Thanks.
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Its all very well setting boundaries, but how to enforce them? When my mother was independent, she'd call my phone several times per day. If I didn't answer the first time, she'd keep calling. After a decade of this, I changed my number to keep my sanity.

Now she's partially dependant on me, my phone will ring twice in a row unless I amswer. I've had to turn off voice messaging, which affects my work. Otherwise, she'll leave multiple messages on my phone. Like I'm still 14, she needs to know where I am and what I'm doing.

I've tried explaining how it makes me feel, but that phone keeps ringing. To my shame, I end up screaming that she stops ringing me all the time. She'll stop for a day, then the phone calls start again.

When I'm working intensely, I sometimes get paranoid that the phone is about to ring. Twenty years of the phone ringing, because my mother assumes I must be dead if I don't answer straight away. She'd often ring other people, to find out where I was and what I was doing.

It wears you down, takes its toil on you. There's no solution for it really, I can't leave my phone off in case there's a genuine emergency.

Don't turn to drugs of alcohol, try and exercise regularly, eat well and sleep well. They'll be gone one day, then we'll miss them constantly.
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Hi everyone, Im new to this group and to being a caregiver. I honestly had no idea what I was stepping into. My husband and I are taking care of his Mom and Dad. Dad has Parkinson's, is mainly in need of care, but Mom needs some help too. My Mother in law is where the stress comes.
I don’t mind helping, in fact I enjoy it. What I do not enjoy is when she tries to control me. If she can’t, she screams in a rage, cussing at me, telling me I don’t care and that I need to be here to take care of them 7 days a week. She refuses to allow more help to come in so I can have breaks.
I told her that I love her and I will give as much help as I’m able to give, but I have limitations . She will not respects the boundaries I’m setting. She tries to pit my husband and I against each other.
The times my husband and I go out for a date, she calls us demanding we must come home for one reason or another. She said we are putting our friends above her. It’s so sad. I don’t see my friends, maybe twice a week?
I try to encourage her to make friends, to get out of the house, to allow more caregivers to help out, but she insists that it has to be me and my husband.
My husband works very hard outside of the home. He stands up to Mom at times, but she seems to know how to manipulate her son, so he will give in to keep the peace.
This is a tough place to be in. I love and respect my husband very much, in fact, my heart goes out to him since I’ve learned about what he has gone through with his Mom since childhood.
How can I set healthy boundaries with her? My husband and I purchased a home together with Mom and Dad ,now I feel trapped.
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. This support group is helpful. 😊
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I am exhausted from dealing with my stepmom who lives with my Dad that is in failing health and she acts like she can’t do anything alone, not even take him to a doctors appointment alone. I work a full time job plus overtime, and she expects me to be available at her every request. I have a husband and three dogs, and five other brothers and sisters who are never available will not answer text messages. Last night my dad fell and my stepmom told me it is my responsibility to come and help him he is my dad, I was tired after working a twelve hour shift, I replied back to her I know he is my Dad but he is also your husband and I am not his only child. God help me I know I said somethings I should not have said, we moved closer to them to help my Dad who at the time was running a wrecker service he has since gotten out of the wrecker business, but it seems to me my stepmom thinks I am there now to be his full time care giver. She does not care about the stress it is causing on my marriage, or the resentment that I feel towards her and my brothers and sisters. She was not the mom of the year when I lived at home, she made sure to tell me daily how stupid, fat and unlovable I was, but now she expects me to be the good daughter and do anything she needs me to do. I am close to selling my home and moving counties away like some of my brothers, and that is her excuse for not calling them to come and help with my Dad and also because they have a family, I guess my husband and dogs don’t count as a family to her.
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What do you do if your parent is controlling, verbally abusive, OCD, totally rigid and without a proper pension. My parent has placed the full burden of not having planned for retirement onto me. The few living relatives I have refuse to help or even to talk to me. I am so totally overwhelmed and burnout.
My parent came to live near me and now with me 2 plus years ago. Already my income has been damaged, it's impacting on my marriage and I have no idea what to do or where to turn.
I can't make decisions or function in my own life. Everything I do is criticized, put down, found fault in.
I can't hire help as my income virtually dried up. The part-time work I tried to get unfortunately they let go 40 workers only 2 months after I joined. I am trying all kinds of ways to earn but can never know how much time I have in my day to me. If I sit at the computer to do computer work, I get interrupted.
I don't have the time or funds to do full time entertainment for a critical parent who can never hear anything I say. The parent will listen to anything anyone else says but never to me. Refuses to listen if I say the words used are hurtful or upset me or to not put my husband down.
Body language is also very hard to see. The negative facial expressions towards my husband are uncalled for.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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My mother is a good 92 years old. She walks two miles a day 5 to 6 days a week with a neighbor. Recently, a cataract surgeon operated on her right eye and it was not a succession surgery leaving some of the cataract and retained lens fragment in her eye. The surgery caused major floaters in her eye. I stayed with her for a couple of days and then brought her to my home so my husband and I could take care of her while she healed. By day 3, at our house she wanted to go back to her home. I waited until the follow up doctor appointment said ok, which she did. I’m 51, only child. No children, no relatives but have a very supportive and helpful husband. My father passed away, 23 years ago and he was a wonderful dad. Since I was young my mom has always kept me at the bottom of the pecking order. I always wanted to have a better relationship with her but at this point I don’t know if it will be, I’ve always hoped, it will get better for a while but then she’ll go back to this other person. At 51, she still treats me as I’m 16 years old. I’ve done so many things in my life and accomplished a great deal. When she treats me like 16 it’s not healthy for me. Even when I’m nice and helpful, she tells her friends how great I am but threats me differently, emotionally, when we’re alone.

On the web I do research to try to understand why thing happen. I found your article helpful, thank you.
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The only way to not destroy yourself financially is to simply - stop. Stop spending money you don't have, stop catering to their needs, etc. You have one of two options; continue on the road you are on straight over a cliff, or pull off to the side and let is going to happen, happen. When the lights get turned off, and they can't get what they need because they refuse to see things as they really are they actually start to deal with it. Quit enabling. Well, maybe except for the dog. The dog can't help that it is sick and needs help. Yes, I have a soft spot for animals. No so much for people who insist on getting what they want to the detriment of everyone else around them.
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Apricot - Your roommate's expectations don't have to control you. You can tell her how you can feel. You can set limits on what you're willing to do to help. You can remind her that you're her roommate, not her caregiver or the hired help. If push comes to shove, you can move out.
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My roommate 84 expects me 66 to fill in what her caregivers don't provide. Her kids don't help much. I did not sign up for this when I agreed to move in. Help!
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Lorraine, I feel for you, as my mother is also difficult, to put it mildly. Is there any way you can just limit contact with your mother? She sounds pretty toxic, and it's unlikely that she'll change at her age.

It also sounds like you're still very affected by her behavior towards you. I know that probably sounds like a given, but I think that for many of us dealing with personality-disordered parents, we've learned to just let it slide off us like water from a duck. Or we limit contact, or both. In my case, both, but it took me a few years of therapy to be able to do either. Don't think counseling is only for sick people. It's even more useful for those of us who have to deal with toxic or narcissistic parents/family members.

I hope you can find ways to keep your mother's behavior from affecting you so much that you cry yourself to sleep at night. Keep coming back and posting - many of us have been through similar situations, and we're all here for you.
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I have just been reading and joined this website. I do not know where to start and cry myself to sleep most nights. I did not see my mother for 6 years and we have recently got back in touch. Her behaviour is steadily going back to how it was before and the reason we did not see each other. She is domineering, does not accept my point of view or others. If something does not go her way, she becomes aggressive and blames everyone
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How do you deal with the family that just makes excuses for their mothers bad behavior?
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How do I manage an elderly father who continuously verbally abuses my elderly mother. Is very controlling of her and blames her for all that is deemed wrong in his eyes?
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Dear Heart2Heart,


I am so sorry for your troubles. The hardest thing is to break out of the cycle of being victimized and trying to get approval from our difficult relatives even when you know you shouldn't be seeking it! You have given up enough of your life--it hurt me so much to read that your life could end first! I hope you have a counselor or someone who can help you--I never would have escaped the treachery of my mother had it not been for that! You are entitled to be free and have your own life--maybe identify three small steps you could take toward personal freedom. Just three and stick to it. YOU ARE HERE ON EARTH TO CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE. You have gone above and beyond--now it is time for recalibrating. I am not suggesting you desert your mother but I am suggesting that you need to emotionally close the door and move forward for you a little at a time. Believe me, if I could do it, then you can too! Please write more and let me know how you are doing. I truly care and I honestly feel your pain.
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Having a very hard time, like many of you... Carimg for my mother had been the most excruciating, traumatic and nightmarish experience I have ever endured. The control and demands from her is overwhelming. I am broken-hearted that either hers or my life has to end like this.
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Thanks for sharing your insights. We had to distance ourselves to meeting up with my mother in law now only at a cafe outside her apartment, as she has paranoia and accuses us and make up stories what aren't real. Her other kids realised this now that she makes things up.

She has been asking for ambulance every 9-14 days the last 2 months, a big factor is she doesn't (want to) take her medicines, and only takes one instead of 4 different meds she needs. She usually gets home less than 24hrs at hospital. My husband is the one who gets a call from her to call the ambulance. And he makes sure the paramedics can get into her apartment (by going there too). Despite this, I still have what I call " daughter guilt", because I know society expects us as kids to do more for our parents. Her manipulative and unhealthy behaviour has been long-standing, and classed as a personality disorder as a minimum. Distancing is our only way to keep sane and not pass all the stress to our daughter.
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Your article has been so helpful. I gave up my life, house, and business to take care of my 97 year old mother. I had to get rid of nearly all my belongings to move into one bedroom in my mother's tiny two bedroom unit. I find that some days are better than others, but aside for having to deal with daily hygiene and cleaning issues, I find my mother is often angry at me for no reason and sometimes belittles me in front of other family members. I find "shopping online" for a change of address and studying part-time has helped to keep me sane, and friends have been fabulous, giving me their shoulder to lean on when things drive me to a point where I think I can't go on. I always had a great relationship with my mother, but now, she often seems like a stranger to me. I suppose I'm dealing with a sense of loss as well. No one else in my family will come to my help or take over my carer role. I feel guilty about feeling so upset about this situation but I have made a commitment to be there for however long it may be. I felt your article gave me some invaluable guidance and information. Thank you.
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Oh & he doesn't like gravel - never has done ???!!! & he watched me putting it down ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks CarlaCB. My parents have never been terribly easy to get on with, I think they have always had the traditional relationship of parent/child/grandchild. They lead (or rather my father) we follow (including Mum) demurely. They have totally alienated daughter in law & her children mostly, eldest still visits reluctantly/out of duty but their snide/nasty comments upset her greatly and the weeks between visits are getting further apart. She is very religious but that in no way helps her sweep the upset under the carpet. My brother is almost at the stage where he will no longer visit. Some background, when I came out of hospital after a 2 week stay having our twins - I came out on the Friday & Dad fell out with me on the Monday, reason - their friends sent us a gift, I was toooo tired to open it when he just turned up with it, I was sleeping so were the babies, said I'd open it later he went out in a huff, Mum tried to get me to open it but I said she can open it if it's so important & I can't be bothered at that moment, they really upset me & I was in tears when the midwife arrived an hour later. Anyway my father had no contact with us for 9 months until I said sorry for my behaviour, I am not a person to hold a grudge or deprive my children of family. So at the moment - Me my husban & kids cleared their overgrown garden last year, Back breaking stuff but it looked so much better. This year we're maintaining it and it looks great apart from the weeds that keep growing. I find weeding very hard work as I've got back problems & very disheartening when they keep coming back. I don't want to spend for ever in their garden. So I suggested a gravel mulch like in my garden & I basically don't garden anymore in mine, just mow. He gave me the go ahead to do that. I did one border to let him see what it's like he said - "it looks good, do the other border" - so I did it got his approval. Then I started on the other patch & that's when he went ballistic & shouted me out the house saying I'd ruined his garden, he'll do it himself or get someone else in to do it. So I calmly said "Well there's appreciation for you, let me know if you get a gardener or want me back" that was 2 weeks ago. I've rang Mum & apparently he says I've destroyed his Phlox which he's had in the garden for 40 years. They haven't been destroyed they are still growing but not as full as previous years cos he told my son to weed in the area they are growing & he removed some & trampled some, not deliberately by accident cos he's not a gardener & the space is very tight. Anyway Mum said he was in "tears" over the Phlox - I was in tears over the gift saga 15+ years ago. & yet he still sends me on guilt trips Why ??????????? Thank you x
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JulieM54 - Looking forward to reading your story and offering you whatever help/support I can.
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I've been searching for support sites for a couple of weeks and this one really stands out. When I've gathered my thoughts I'll post my story and hopefully you'll be able to support me/say I'm doing okay by my miserable, angry, controlling, ill, 85 year old father and downtrodden ill 80 year old mother. I'm 54 with a husband and teenage twins.
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That's right Lori and Carla... And, holidays seems to bring out the worst in siblings... I'm actually, literally getting sick inside because of this situation... My mother even makes things worse because she sides with them and says "They have a life"... "They are married"... Yesterday, my. MOther insinuated that my niece's don't come to (my house where I care for my mother.... and, cater to my mother) because of ME!... I am so deeply hurt and I am extremely angry by her comments (she is... maybe was... up until now... treated like a queen by me... but after being treated like this by everyone, I'm stepping back....). It's truly been a nightmare for me that has eaten up my life.
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