I know how hard this is. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and I cared for her. There have been other cases of it in my family and now a friend in her 50's has early onset Alzheimer's.
Remember, nothing is going to happen today, tommorrow or even the day after. This is a progressive disease. Of course Dad is scared and upset but reassure him that it is not going to be an overnight process.
Try to handle the legalities first. While he still has most of his mind intact, Dad needs to make tough decisions. Remind him that his wishes will be carried out if he makes them known now but that later on, he would not be deemed competent. It can be a relief to just get it all out there. This means he needs to make a final will, choose someone to give a durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney to and get all of his affairs in order. I would suggest to that he sell his car now so that there will not be an issue of him trying to get in it and drive.
In my case with my grandmother, I had her move in with me. He should make the decision, along with your mom, about where they will live. If you have all of these plans in place , it will go much easier.
Now is the time to make memories. What things do Mom and Dad enjoy? They need to do them NOW. My grandmother, for example, loved opera, symphony, travel, and art so we saw a lot of opera, visited the symphony and museums, and traveled to Europe. Take lots of photos now. Before my dad died, I "interviewed" him on tape for months letting him talk about childhood memories, his family, his time in the military in WW 2, funny stories, his good times with mom, my childhood, etc. I learned a lot of stuff I never knew!
Spend a LOT of time with him and not just now. As it gets worse, it is hard to watch and while he might not seem to know you, there can be a sudden recognition triggered by something. Remember, you are in the world because of your parents. You will never regret the time spent with them. Offer mom emotional support. Cry, talk with your other family members, come here and talk- you need to take care of yourselves. My heart is with your family.
I can only say: better the devil you know than the devil you do not know! By that I mean that it would be cruel to withhold a diagnosis of Alzheimer's from the person who has the disease. Yes, it will be upsetting but you can assure the person (parent, sibling, spouse, whomever) that you will always be there to help. My POA sister's orders were that our mother must never know about her Alzheimer's diagnosis. Well - I did research and asked specialists and not one person said that it is better to withhold the diagnosis. When Mother said she was "off her head," it reassured her to know she had a disease. (Yes - I defied my sister's orders and it almost led to the destruction of our relationship but I know I did the right thing!)
It sounds crude, but does he have a "Bucket List"? Joining him in activities he has always wanted to do will offer him and you the opportunity to fulfill emotional needs that are often left unsaid or recognized. If he has the opportunity to be helpful to others, spend time with those he loves, and has loving support from family he is a lucky man. Sometimes just being there with someone if they're not ready to express themself is a gift, and may ease the hurt so he can speak about it.
This may or may not be what you wanted to hear. If the disease is too far along, many of your Dad's memories may come and go - they aren't there when he needs them. He may find that he does not remember what he said five minutes ago, but can remember in full clarity something that happened 50 years ago!
Take this time to decide when your Dad will stop driving, and have him write out a letter. If he designates a certain family member that he trusts with the responsibility of determining this crucial point, and the plan is made and written out before he's too far along, you may be able to circumvent some of the resentment over this decision.
You may find that too much activity, too much noise seem to aggravate your Dad - and that he may respond to family and friends oddly at times. He may not be able to make sense of an ongoing conversation, especially if he's forgotten what you were talking about - he may answer with vague or inappropriate (just don't seem to fit with what was said) comments. Talk to him about what he is feeling and reacting to - try to keep things positive. You'll be there to help Mom.
Read as much as you can about Alzheimer's and dementia related memory loss. Be aware of the coming changes, make a video diary of Dad's old stories. Talk about family members, who they are and how they are related to you, where they live - anything that you can think of. Later, your Dad may enjoy watching it. At the very least, you will have preserved his "memoirs" for your grandkids, etc.
Ask him about important papers, does he has a will, a living trust, has he decided who he wants to have a Durable Power of Attorney (in case Mom gets sick too).
Have the hard conversations now - does he mind having the children care for him at home, or would he rather be in an assisted living situation? What about mom ... can she handle the hard stuff, or do you think they'd both be better off with help? There are great assisted living arrangements today that can take a great deal of strain off a couple and still allow for freedom and independence.
Stop by for shorter visits, just to say hi - whenever you can. Make time to share quiet moments together. Avoid the temptation to start every conversation with, "Do you remember ..."
Join your local Alzheimer's Association Chapter/Branch --- they are invaluable and a good resource for information... Yes you can research on line - but there is no personal touch or compassionate voice/hand nearby. I highly reccomend this to anyone dealing with this horrible disease!
We found out too late, and Dad's Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease progressed so rapidly, that we had to clean up after his disease affected his finances, and every thing else. Instead of involving him in the decisions, I have had the unhappy position of dismantling he and mother's lives. Dad became a danger to himself and others, and is now living the rest of his days in a Nursing Home. We do try to enjoy our time with him, but as the disease progresses, he's enjoying things less and less, and forgetting our names or who we are. While familiar, he doesn't associate a past with us, only a fleeting present. I wish the grieving wasn't so tortuous while watching him decline. Dad is only 76 years old. I'm beginning to "miss" him already, and dread the future for him and for us. Mom is declining, too, so that makes things doubly difficult.
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Dad is devastated after his Alzheimer's diagnosis. How can the family help?
Remember, nothing is going to happen today, tommorrow or even the day after. This is a progressive disease. Of course Dad is scared and upset but reassure him that it is not going to be an overnight process.
Try to handle the legalities first. While he still has most of his mind intact, Dad needs to make tough decisions. Remind him that his wishes will be carried out if he makes them known now but that later on, he would not be deemed competent. It can be a relief to just get it all out there. This means he needs to make a final will, choose someone to give a durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney to and get all of his affairs in order. I would suggest to that he sell his car now so that there will not be an issue of him trying to get in it and drive.
In my case with my grandmother, I had her move in with me. He should make the decision, along with your mom, about where they will live. If you have all of these plans in place , it will go much easier.
Now is the time to make memories. What things do Mom and Dad enjoy? They need to do them NOW. My grandmother, for example, loved opera, symphony, travel, and art so we saw a lot of opera, visited the symphony and museums, and traveled to Europe. Take lots of photos now. Before my dad died, I "interviewed" him on tape for months letting him talk about childhood memories, his family, his time in the military in WW 2, funny stories, his good times with mom, my childhood, etc. I learned a lot of stuff I never knew!
Spend a LOT of time with him and not just now. As it gets worse, it is hard to watch and while he might not seem to know you, there can be a sudden recognition triggered by something. Remember, you are in the world because of your parents. You will never regret the time spent with them. Offer mom emotional support.
Cry, talk with your other family members, come here and talk- you need to take care of yourselves. My heart is with your family.
Take this time to decide when your Dad will stop driving, and have him write out a letter. If he designates a certain family member that he trusts with the responsibility of determining this crucial point, and the plan is made and written out before he's too far along, you may be able to circumvent some of the resentment over this decision.
You may find that too much activity, too much noise seem to aggravate your Dad - and that he may respond to family and friends oddly at times. He may not be able to make sense of an ongoing conversation, especially if he's forgotten what you were talking about - he may answer with vague or inappropriate (just don't seem to fit with what was said) comments. Talk to him about what he is feeling and reacting to - try to keep things positive. You'll be there to help Mom.
Read as much as you can about Alzheimer's and dementia related memory loss. Be aware of the coming changes, make a video diary of Dad's old stories. Talk about family members, who they are and how they are related to you, where they live - anything that you can think of. Later, your Dad may enjoy watching it. At the very least, you will have preserved his "memoirs" for your grandkids, etc.
Ask him about important papers, does he has a will, a living trust, has he decided who he wants to have a Durable Power of Attorney (in case Mom gets sick too).
Have the hard conversations now - does he mind having the children care for him at home, or would he rather be in an assisted living situation? What about mom ... can she handle the hard stuff, or do you think they'd both be better off with help? There are great assisted living arrangements today that can take a great deal of strain off a couple and still allow for freedom and independence.
Stop by for shorter visits, just to say hi - whenever you can. Make time to share quiet moments together. Avoid the temptation to start every conversation with, "Do you remember ..."
Hope this helps - some.
~FyreFly