It would be nice to see more of a balanced approach. There does come a time when remaining at home is not a great option for anyone. However, we all know LTC is a disaster in this country for the most part.
I agree with some of these comments. Medicaid facilities are the worst, still. But many high end expensive places are like lipstick on a pig. Pretty on the outside, but...
Truth is, no matter what you do with your parents, you will remain their caregiver. Give up on the thought that just cuz they are in a "facility " means you are free and clear to just visit nicely and have a wonderful time. Ain't gonna happen, you are still going to be providing care (because someone has to and it's not going to be a $12/hour aid that is the same way you think it should be done). It all comes from the top down... corporate owned facilities looking out for their $$$.
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This idyllic, pie in the sky perspective only works if your family member has endless amounts of money to pay for a ‘decent place’ where people are well cared for. If the parent needs a medicaid facility, then you see the literal dregs of society there, abusing and neglecting the patients. When my mom needed to leave the hospital, the social worker at Kindred Hospital in the Houston Medical center suggested two places. BOTH had citations and fines from the STATE OF TEXAS for staff sexually assaulting patients! When I pointed out this, and that I had done my research, she straight faced told me “Oh, that’s not so bad”. Being wealthy may bring you better choices, but for the majority of the US population, these great choices you go on about do not exist.
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It took me a long time to figure out all these things for myself. As a caregiver, you also have to accept the nursing home will not be perfect. They will not do things the way you would do them but they will have an agreement or checklist of services they promise to provide for your loved one. The most important of these being 24/7 care of your loved one. Someone will be there to give assistance if they fall, someone will make sure they eat regularly, someone will keep them from wandering off.
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The plan was to have my brother and his wife and son move into my moms home to care for her. My mom thought that was a good idea to keep her in her home as long as possible. From the moment they moved in she did nothing but accuses everyone of stealing form her. She is so angry with us, we know it is the disease however it is getting harder and harder to assist her. She even throws tantrums, pulling her hair and crying "I just to be like I use to be" once she calms downs she tells us how she is happy we are helping her. My brother's wife has since moved out because my was really mean to her. My brother is still there at night, however the situation is not fare to him and his family. My brother and I have to work getting outside help is not going to go over well with mom because, she doesn't trust anyone coming into her house...she is becoming a danger to herself. We, don't know what our next step is....
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I'm sorry that it's so hard but that is normal. I've found that many professionals are shocked when it comes to their own family members. No matter how compassionate the professional is, education can't prepare the person for what it's like from the other side. Best wishes.
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Reality is often very different from how we think things will progress. Even a long career in healthcare hasn't entirely prepared me to make these decisions for my mom.
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I move my mom in with me and she has caused a lot of chaos bullies my young children and lies behind my back about how she's being treated here I don't know what to do to protect myself from her lies or protect my kids from her abuse what do I do how do I get her out of here
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Saddaughter1 - You would be wise to start your own thread if you want to maximize responses. This thread is 8 years old and most members probably aren't reading it anymore.

Also, a bit more information would help. Are you taking care of your father without your siblings' help, and are they assuming you'll go on doing it until your father dies regardless of the amount of care he needs? What do you think their reasoning is?
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I have my dad's POA and truly believe it is time for an assisted living facility due to dementia and poor health. However, my 2 siblings who live out of state vehemently disagree with me. HELP!
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BlueEyedAngel - your fiancé's dad should be somewhere he gets 24x7 care & it isn't you!!! You have three young children and work various hours - I think it is time you guys move to your own place and focus on your family.

Move fiancé's dad someplace he has round the clock help & continue to visit him and look out for him - but someone else has the 'hands on'

Good luck
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My fiancé and I have been taking care of his 89 year old dad for 5 years. January of this year he fell and broke his back he is going blind has macular degeneration we talked to the staff and doctors they told us he needs 24hr care he's wheelchair bound he's wearing diapers now he's incontinent we have 3 kids who are in school my fiancé works night shift 6 days a week so we are thinking of keeping him there longer his other kids don't offer to help and his older daughter is no good she's verbally abusive and a drunk she won't leave us alone and the stress on my fiancé is to much in 2014 I was 2 months pregnant but lost the baby because I picked up my father in law when he fell. She just wants us to bring him home so she can keep asking him for money she only come around and causes trouble and steals from us. My fiancé is to the point of packing our things and leaving. I'm sorry but we can't take care of him like that I am not going to get yelled at cursed at or kicked out or pooped on or peed on anymore. Do you think it's wrong
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ChrisA, you said "Have nurses live in their home. Have two nurses per parent. They will get immediate care. Make their home pay for their in home care. "

Just how much equity are you assuming most seniors have in their homes? It would take a huge amount of equity in a home to provide four nurses round the clock for any amount of time. Your idea makes sense if the parents have millions of dollars in equity tied up in their home which can be accessed through a reverse mortgage or whatever, but almost nobody has that. A lot of seniors tap into their home equity to cover their expenses long before they start requiring nursing care. And most retirees' homes are just not worth that much.
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i had to put dad in a residential home its killing me i now have to sell thisa house to pay for fees i know hes well cared for but im so upset
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You need to keep your promise to mom and dad. Do not put them into nursing home. They will exposed to all kinds of sicknesses, they will be one of ten seniors that are cared for by a Med Tech, they have to wait sometimes hours to get help and it will drain them of saving. Keep your parents in their home. They are familiar with it and its theirs. Have nurses live in their home. Have two nurses per parent. They will get immediate care. Make their home pay for their in home care. When your parents leave their home, they will feel they have lost the battle.
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This was a promise I made too. My Dad died at home. I am glad he was with family at the end. I know his final months were happy...probably more happy than he had been in years. My Mom deserves that too.

Mom has never been a social type. He is very reserved around strangers and always has been. Any kind of facility will be bad for her...she will curl up inside herself. I will make sure it doesn't happen.

Honestly...she is sweet and easy going. I know the odds with a stroke and serious heart condition...I know 5 years is probably far more than can be expected at this point. But..those 5 years will be with me.
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I can so relate. I resent not having much of a life and then feel guilty for feeling that way, and a bit jealous of friends who are not and never will be caregivers. But we're only human and we deserve lives of our own too.
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Hallelujah Sandwich! You wrote out exactly how we feel! I had to make copies to read out, whoever my no good, do nothing BIL & SIL call, to see how their Dad is doing. Not that they actually Care, by any means, they only check in now and again, to circle the wagons a few times a year, or to stir up long ago dead memories or foolish issues that happened, to get a rise out of the only Caregiver (besides myself), their brother, who stepped up 13 years ago to care solely for their Dad! They really absent and useless, and I wish they would just stop calling with this nonsense! Let the Old Man be!
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I hear you, GuiltandSorrow. Many of us are in the same position.
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I'm still trying to come to grips with my feelings of guilt, resentment and sadness that I have no life anymore.
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You aren't inadequate, NB3749! You're got so much on your plate and you can't be everywhere. Your daughter needs to understand much more about your situation. If your health gets any worse she may need to take care of you. If she is mature enough to get that message she needs to hear it.

Everyone's circumstances are different so please don't judge yourself. This has nothing to do with your abilities and everything to do with your life.

Most modern nursing homes are at least okay and many are wonderful. My mother-in-law was rejuvenated by the move.

Please let the guilt go and move forward by placing your mother.
Blessings,
Carol
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BusyMe, that is so nice that your Mom likes living in her Healthcare facility. Whew, bet that makes you feel better.

My Dad made the decision of giving up his house to move to a senior facility. As soon as he saw the outside of the facility his face lit up with a smile. He spent almost a year there and loved it. I remember him saying he wishes he would have moved there years ago, but he knew my Mom would refuse to leave the house. He had no complaints about the facility at all :)

Of course Dad was still counting his pennies and once in awhile would say he wanted to find a cheaper place, but I kept stalling. Finally convinced him he might not get as good of a meal some place else. He agreed.
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My mother started out in AL and after her second fall and short hospitalization she went to Rehab that they have in her facility. My mom didn't want to do PT. They told my mom if she wanted to go back to her apartment she needed to work at getting stronger or stay in Healthcare as they call it. My mom said she was done with AL and felt more at home in Healthcare. My mother is busy all day with activities, when she was in AL not at all. The staff is wonderful throughout the entire building.
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Thanks. It does help. I will just have to find my limit of what I can do without ruining my mental and physical health. Work is my saving grace too, as it gives me an excuse to get out of the house. Even if hiring at home help gets so expensive that I just break even, I will not quit to become a 24 7 caregiver.

How's this for irony. When I was growing up, I would have loved to have a full time stay at home mommy, but my mother was not cut out for that, and I understand. Now she would love to have me 24 7 but I just can't.
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NB, not many of us are cut out to be a caregiver, I was one of them. And what I was doing was fairly easy compared to what other caregivers had to do... but for me it became very difficult. Oh how I resented it as my parents never needed to care for their parents, so they had a wonderful fun filled 25+ years of retirement.

My parents were in their 90's and managed to live on their own, in a house that had a lot of stairs. And my parents stopped driving thinking I had all the time in the world to take them everyplace they wanted to go [I was employed]. Eventually I was getting major panic attacks driving. Every time the phone rang, I also panic. Work was my saving grace. Eventually from all the stress I did crash and burn, I was hoping not to wake up in the mornings. I bet my parents slept soundly.... [sigh]

Here is an excellent article https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

When you come to an advertisement, keep scrolling as there is more to the article.... another ad... keep on scrolling. Hope the article helps.
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Carol and everyone, thank you so much. I take care of my mother and although my daughter is in college now, I have to be there for her too. That's it as for family, except for cousins who live on the other side of the country. When my father had cancer, the end came very quickly, and he died at home, as he wanted to. I promised both of them that I would take care of mom too. She has mild vascular dementia and arthritis so severe that she is barely mobile, and is incontinent. I'd thought that my days of changing diapers and getting up several times at night were over, but no. She's had repeated falls and I've injured myself, fortunately not seriously, trying to lift her. Now I call the paramedics when she falls.

When mom had a minor stroke and was in rehab, they said she needs 24/ 7 care. A couple of times I've left her for very brief periods, under an hour, asking her to promise not to get up. The falls she's had were when I was at home but in another room and she thought she could get to the potty herself, and when she tried to get from bed to bedside potty because she didn't want to wake me up. I'm trying to get her to pee in her diapers at night. Chronic sleep deprivation and stress are ruining my health.

I've always been very healthy and now am on two medications for high blood pressure, so I can see my health, and my life, slipping away. I am also afraid that if anything happens to me, who will take care of mom? I've told my daughter that there is no way she will be allowed to be a caregiver. Actually, I'm already planning to go to Dignitas for assisted suicide to prevent ever needing care myself.

My job is in jeopardy because I've missed so much time. Employers are much more understanding about parenting than about elder care! I hire aides to sit with her when I'm gone, but I am growing to resent that now I have no life, no time to read or go to the gym unless I pay for it, and then I feel guilty because that money is not going towards my daughter's education, and eventually mom's care is going to bankrupt us all.

I've been reading these threads and am beginning to wonder if I am one of the people who just is not cut out to be a caregiver. I resent it, even hate it at times, and feel guilty for that. She was a wonderful mother, and has always been wonderful to me and my daughter, helping me raise her, and now she needs me. My daughter would never forgive me for putting her grandmother in a nursing home, but I am afraid that if I quit work and cut back on hiring help that I would experience a mental breakdown and then wouldn't be good for anything.

I don't know how you all do it. Alzheimer's caregiving is so much harder than what I am going through, and I feel so guilty for feeling that caregiving is hell, and so inadequate that my best, I'll barely be adequate.

No one prepared me for this. I don't know how caregivers dealt with this before forums like this.
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Our lives matter too. I'm struggling with the decision to place my Dad but I believe I will be doing so this week. They are coming to evaluate him this week to see what all his needs are. He is bed bound and I cannot lift him, do his diaper changes, etc by myself. I just have to keep telling myself that my life matters too.
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Kerryanne, your mum will be unhappy anywhere. What is happening to her is terrible to live with. Sundowners is about anxiety, upset body rhythms, not knowing what to do, all kinds of things. At least she is in a place where people understand the syndrome, where she is getting care and you can see her often but still take care of yourself. It's easy to say don't feel guilty - hard to do, I know. Do try to work on it, though. You have kept your end of the bargain. You are doing what is best under the circumstances that you are faced with. Since no one knows the future, coping with what is in front of us in the best way that we can is truly doing our best.
We're with you at heart,
Carol
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It made me feel a bit better. After trying to get as much help in the home for Mum, it wasn't enough to enable her to stay at home. She had 'sundowners' as they term it, and still does not sleep at night. There was no choice, she had to go somewhere where she was safe. Mum doesn't like being in the home even though it is new and her room is enormous, with a view to to hills. There are some nice people, but Mum is sleeping at the times when people want to talk, ie, during the daylight hours. I go every day to see her, and still she is unhappy.
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I think what Sandwich wrote we should cut it out and make copies... thus any time someone ask us personally why we don't have our elder loved one under the same roof, we can hand that person a copy.
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I know that there is not an answer to every health problem, but often times it pays to think outside of the box on "incurable" ailments. Sheetuck, I can't imagine what you're going through. My husband and I are 74 & 69 in good health, we're the lucky ones. Try investigating some alternatives for the staff infection. I have read up on oil of lavender (yes like granny used to wear for perfume) It is being used in some hospital burn units to control staff infections. It is diffused through the air with fans and a high power diffuser. What would it hurt to massage his legs with oil of lavender or put it into a bath. Check with his doctor.
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