Our mama doesn't like to shower either. It takes equal parts gentle coaxing and strong insistence. Sometimes we lie to her. For instance saying she can go see her mama and daddy after the bath. We lie because rational reasons have no effect. We know that her body odor will be too strong if a cleaning is neglected. Not only that, her skin will blister and leak fluids. At her stage of AZ she can complete her toilet time about like a three year old, so help is needed. Glad to be able to help. Pray that AZ skips me.

Not showering every day isn't a problem with my mom. Hoping she'll shower a couple times A YEAR is the problem. Seriously, she will go for MONTHS without showering. And she's still working at 72, still around the public...

Marcia, perhaps it would help to talk to your husband's doc about this. If he can have a Home Health Care aid come in a couple of time a week,preferably a male one, that person can bathe him and see to his personal care needs. We found with our dad that he was completely uncooperative when his daughters wanted to help him in the bathroom (he started falling in the shower despite having hand rails) but with a male attendant he was far more cooperative.

I have gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy my Mom a nice fragrant body wash to encourage her bathing. She is not comfortable with stepping into the shower for fear of falling, so I have purchased a mat that sticks to the floor of the shower and that has also helped. I keep a calendar on the refrigerater and have her mark off each day as a new day begins. On the calendar we mark when she has taken a shower. She actually informed me this morning that it was her shower day. What great relief :)

I never thought about outlining the tub with dark coloring. It just might put some of mama's fears to rest. My sister and I can't figure out mama's reason for not wanting to shower. We have to be deceptive and other times very very firm. Thanks for that suggestion

marciazucker, if you are in fear of your life due to your husband being depressed, hostile n angry then call a social worker and see if they can help you. Or the other side, have you found out if it is the medicine he is on or not on for his depression and maybe it needs to be adjusted? Either way, he needs see his physician that is treating him n you need to feel safe to live in y'all home. I would try n get him some help n let the physician know about his hostility n anger issues.

my husband does not have dimentia or alzheimers....he just refuses to shower or brush his teeth (he's a retired dentist)
he is very alert mentaly....he's in therapy for depression due to medical problems
my problem is that my clean house smells of urine; i can't have people in the house; i don't want him in my car.
he is very hostile and angry....i want to get him out of my house....i feel it is affecting my health; both mental and emotional
(i'm 74; he's 77)
how do i have him removed??

Thanks n I am going to try.

Best of luck, lildeb, on your procedure. Glad you are taking care of yourself & I hope you can rest up for awhile before resuming your caretaking. Donna

Thanks for info about the DVD.
Donna, I agree but right now I am registered to get a Hemorrhoidectomy next wk n it has been way over due for several yrs. I have been just putting it off while taking care of the mil n neglecting my own health. I know I cannot continue to help the mil if I am in no good health. Please everyone get respite care if possible n don't neglect your own health.

Great news, lildeb! Maybe a trip to the salon can become a weekly event. And, thank you, Wicksron - that book sounds great. I've also passed along the info to my sister who recently started working as an aide in an Alzheimer's home.

So grateful for all of the support and wonderful info I've found on this forum. Hugs to all! Donna

There is a DVD called "Bathing without a Battle" that was recommended to me by the Alzheimer's Association. I got the nursing home where my husband has been living to order it and they are thrilled with it...also, staff earn continuing Ed points for watching and using it...can be ordered through the catalog "The Alzheimer's Store" or just google it to find other links for ordering.

Thanks for it worked. I had to stay their the whole time but at least she got a wash n hair trim. I kept telling her how shiny n pretty it looked. You could tell she enjoyed the attention. Of course, the lady that was trimming her hair had to come to me to see if we should layer her hair. She must couldn't get a straight answer from mil. I told her sure for that is what she got done last time. I don't understand why she asked if I wanted her to blow dry it for of course she will get cold. She took good care of her n it was worth it. ; )

Here's your good luck, lildeb! Enjoy your weekend, too.

Donnaleane, Take what ever little positive that works while it does. I think I might try to see if my mil will get her done at a hair place. Wish me luck for her scalp starting to get a little ripe. ; 0
Have a great weekend.

lildeb, thanks for that info. I have in the past asked questions of doctors in the hope that their word would carry more weight. I even got one to write instructions on an Rx pad so I could show her later when she forgot what was said. However, if I repeat, 'dr. so & so said . . . ' in a lot of cases my mother poo-poos it with a 'what does HE know anyway?' It all depends on her mood. I am going to bring it up at next month's appointments. I've even typed up a memo with a bunch of items I want him to discuss with her since she frequently gets agitated if I bring up those things. That worked with her needing to give up her driver's license.

I actually have positive news to report, though. We went to the hair dresser yesterday! I asked again, and she agreed that her hair looked awful, plus it's too hard to lean over in the utility sink for me to wash it. Also, before we went, she went into the bathroom and did a quick sponge bath, without me saying anything. Maybe all of your positive vibes helped out! Gotta be happy with little victories each day. Many thanks, and you take care!! Donna

donna, I had to bring the conversation up to with her primary physician about taking a bath. I try to approach it without offended her too. I just kindly asked her dr that I know some older people don't tend or like to take a bath all the time n I was wandering how often should someone like my mil should be taken a bath? He replied every other day. I said it real loud. You say, :"EVERY OTHER DAY." He said yes. I then asked her the mil did you hear what your physician just said about a bath? That way she even heard it from him. However, we do it once a wk. I told her we all have to live together in this house that, you need to take your once a wk Monday bath like we picked together. When she starts fussing, I remind her that, she could do it every other day like her dr mention. She chooses the Monday with the grumbling on side. hey it is still working n let me go knock on some wood. Good luck.

Well, lildeb, I really can't take credit for getting my mother to the hairdresser; she WANTED to go. In fact, a couple of months ago we went to 2 different hair salons the same week which was a waste of money, but I took her. Now, though, she's only gone once in the last 5 weeks or so. As we speak, she didn't go last week so her hair hasn't been washed for 2 weeks.

After my previous comment last month, I was successful in washing her hair myself in our utility sink in the basement, which is really uncomfortable. She just won't take a shower and wash her hair to make it easy - even though I told her I'd heat up the bathroom first with the portable heater. I can't style her hair like the hairdresser does; it became all-over frizz the day after I washed it.

Thanks for your suggestions, but I've pretty much tried them already. I can't believe the simpliest things are such a struggle. I'm going to have to address it with her doctors at her check-ups (GP & neurologist) which are coming up in March. Don't know if she's depressed, or if it's just the dementia rearing its ugly head.

Donna, I am surprise how u got her to go once a wk? I have trouble getting my mil to wash her hair once a MONTH!

Caregiver n others for tips, I learned from this forum to try a dri-shampoo for n between hair wash. I bought a bottle of TREsemme. Of course, she complains about it smells but for some reason she cannot smell her hair when it gets stinky. Go figure.

As for washing-bathing. My mil could not stand water going down her face so instead of a shower, I will set-up a tub of water as well as soap, a wash rag n a towel. All she has to do is get undressed n get in tub. she can still wash herself n I will knock on the door to check n between. Better safe than sorry.
Plus, I have to get the temp right so she don't get too cold n a regular routine n time can help it go smoother sometimes. Routine is the key for success. Mil takes her baths on Monday before 10:000am. so I will just reminder it is almost time to get ready for Monday bath n that way it helps prepare her too. Sometimes.

I also don't put clean clothes n the bathroom Until, she is already n the tub. I just swap out the dirty for the clean clothes. That way it prevents her from putting back on the dirty ones. Plus, it keeps me from sniffing n figuring out which panties r clean. Gross! The baby wipes r good to use for in between baths as well. I tend to go for Sensitive skin baby wipes due to some elder's skin is a bit fragile. You can also hire an 'in-home help aide' to help give the baths,showers n wash the hair. Check your local Alzheimers Association to see if they have a list of caregivers that help with those things. Plus, if u hover over the blue area above these post should be a place 'bathing n Hygiene under 'Elder Care. I hope this helps n remember, everyone is different so what worked for me may not work for you. All u can do is try n see if it will work. Good luck. ; )

Threegirls - I had the same problem with my mother not washing beyond her face. I solved the problem of "accidents" on the floor by buying Depends for her, but while they solved that problem, the moisture they hold dries on her if she doesn't wash. Beyond unpleasant. So I bought her packages of feminine wipes and told her to use them instead of toilet paper. And baby wipes for more general cleaning when she doesn't want to take a full bath or shower. Life is much more bearable since Good luck! HopingForSleep.

This issue has been bugging me for awhile, too. I live with my mom (82) who has cognitative impairment. Part of not showering is ouir old, drafty bathroom; part is her memory -- everything 'was already done yesterday'; a third is control. I normally take her out for a weekly shampoo & styling, but she didn't want to go this week. Now we can add dirty hair to the mix, too. Going to try to get her to use some 'no rinse' shampoo & bath soap later. Wish me luck!

Hugs to everyone for taking such good care of your loved ones.

My grandpa refuses to bathe, wash his hands, or brush his teeth unless he has a doctor's appointment. He also has dementia. Any tips or do we have to lie to him?

Mother is 89 on a wheelchair with moderate to severe dimentia and as the "shower lady" would come twice a week,she recently got extremely agitated to where I have requested the "shower lady"to come by once a week. Mother's trick is to tell the lady she already showered in the morning.She will tell her"now,what you are telling me is to shower agai??"
It is very difficult as Mother tells me she will ahve a heart attack if I continue to persist on her showering...I am gettin on my knee to pray for a solution...It is very hard...

Oh my this has been a very big struggle for me for the past 3 months. My father has dementia, and has some mobility problems.. and yes, he forgets what day it is and what it was that he did the day before. One thing I do every other day is a foot bath to take care of a rampant foot fungus and the next day I just wipe then down and put on some nail oil treatment. Other than that I put some baby wash in the sink and give him the wash cloth for his face and hands. Then I try to get in at least one complete peri-care session a day complete with barrier cream application. He is very prone to pressure sores and is a MRSA carrier so I am probably overly cautious with that part of the routine. He has been admitted to the hospital twice this year with infected pressure ulcers. We almost lost him the last time.

I change his clothes and bedding everyday... I figure that he will rub off some of the dead skin on the bedding and clothes so if I can't keep him clean at least I will clean the bedding and clothes :) seems to be working.

I watch my mnl in our house and had the same problem. I finally jot down notes for her next dr. visit and simply ask the dr in front of her in a way to not and try to offend her and asked, "Dr. I know as we get older we don't need baths everyday so what do you recommend is approiate for baths as well as I added exercise too. For she will not get out of house nor bathe for months. He reply at least, once a week and at exercise at least every other day. I repeated is answer so that my mnl could hear as well. so we both sat down and looked at calendar and I reminded her what her dr recommended and she chose Mondays as her bathing and in the middle of day. I warmed up the house to almost 76 degree, sweating my u know what off so she will be warm and got her bath ready and she went and took her bath. Yeah!!! Now, putting back on old clothes after a bath, I've learned to allow her to just bring a warm house-coat in bathroom and as she gets in tub and washing, I knock a little for her privacy and get her dirty clothes out and I tell her I am swaping her clean ones. It work now don't know how next Monday go but hey, it's a start. ; ) Did I tell u mnl is very resistant to a lot of things. So, this was a huge sucess for us.

We have that problem of bathing with my mother. She lives in a Senior apartment now and she has dementia. We have been noticing that the bath tub is not being used. She keeps telling us that she takes showers (she has a chair in her walk-in tub and a hand held shower device) but I think she is just washing off in the sink with liquid hand soap. She has always washed her hair in the bathroom sink because she says that she is claustrophobic and cannot wash it in the shower. We have asked her about bathing but she swears she takes showers. When my sister, my sister in law or I visit, her we just tell her that we know it is hard for her to bend over the sink to wash her hair (she has osteoporosis) and so we tell her we want to help her wash it in the shower and we give her a shower that way at least once or twice a week. I always remind her that she used to bathe me all the time when I was a little girl and now I can pay her back by helping her this way.

One more thing, the nursing care facilities have registrars that may help you as well and know where to go to get information. If you don't like the answer at one, try another. Some have social workers that can help too. My advise...call around and each state is different for Medicaid (just found out the difference) and Medicare is Federal.

barbysue52....I just got my dad out of the hospital for Urinary Tract Infection! That happens too and their personality changes. What a nightmare.

They do come from a different generation but... we are their children and just as we seldom listened, we can't make them do what they don't want to. There needs to be an outside authority. I have just discovered that 'Home Health' may have an answer. Call a few and ask them for outside help and how to go about getting it including help with cost. If someone 'official' came in from the 'doctor' it may be a way to get him/her to take a shower/bath. Medicare may be an option to assist my father with his bath so they might help you.

My mother came to live with us the last day of August. When she came she was taking 2 showers a week but now I can't get her to take a shower. It's been going on 2 weeks since she had a shower. She said she is sponge bathing. What should I do? I don't want her to end up with some kind of staff infection.

I look forward to hearing suggestions for this because I have no idea how you can 'make' someone do anything. Wow!