Thanks to you all for your helpful comments and insightful suggestions. This group is fantastic!
Carol

This sometimes works for me. i ask my husband to join me when I shower. That gives me the opportunity to see how well he cleans himself and he will sometimes let me help! Not a possibility for everyone but does sometimes help.

I believe some excuses our loved ones express are really embarrassment and fear. (If needing assistance) In the book "Alzheimer's for Dummies" they recommend a personal care garment. Family members can learn about them online from Dignity Resource Council. Hope this helps

Carol Thank you for the article and thank you for keeping up on the comments!
I find myself now, after 30 years as a manager in the high tech industry, as a care giver and wow what a change.
I googled “elder care, why do we bathe?” and your article was top of the list and very relevant.
My Aunt, who was a 4th grade teacher for 35 years and was fastidious about bathing, hasn’t bathed in the last 2 years and doesn’t wipe well so her clothes smell and she seems not to notice. She has been diagnosed with “moderate cognitive impairment” and puts the same clothes on day after day and never seems to respond to the fact that her clothes and PJs are soiled. I live in and have taken over the housework and her clothes rarely show up in the wash.
She never bathes. My uncle, who passed away 2 months ago, modified her bathroom – removed the tub and put in a low lip shower with plenty of grab bars and a hand held shower. The new shower has never been used. I have yet to solve the bathing problem – a work in progress.
One thing that I have discovered is that my Aunt is mildly claustrophobic. When we go to the Doctor’s and we are waiting she always wants the door open… This might be a clue as to her no bathing – she leaves the bathroom door open when she goes, she says: “well, I close the door to the bathroom when we have guests…”
So a few things I have done:
1) I take her clothes (day and night clothes) and put them in the laundry almost every day at least. I would rather get her to do that “simple” act of putting her clothes down the laundry shoot but I haven’t figured out how to make that happen.
2) as far as appointments (Dr’s and such) I just put them in the calendar which we both review daily. The calendar items “just magically show up” and she is very good about honoring them.
3) Some hair dresser appointments have magically shown up on her calendar.
4) I help her remember to was her hair (which she does in the kitchen sink) at least once a week usually prior to her weekly card game “with the girls”.
5) in talking with her recently, she has told me that she would like me to “remind” her if she forgets to do something, like washing her hair.
We still have a few challenges around hygiene and I appreciate your help in letting us care givers know that we are not alone, are dealing with problems that are not uncommon, and that things do change as we age

Slipping in the shower is a major fear
I never thought I would worry about that now I do
I used to shower daily now it is every other day
That will work

My father takes a 60 second shower daily but hasn't used soap in at least 6 months and no shampoo in over 2 years. He won't wash his clothes (just underwear which he does take care of) or let me. He smells heinous. I can't get him to get a hair cut either. I feel like I'm living with a zombie. He sits in his recliner all day, mostly sleeping. His mental illness (has had three episodes of hypermania and psychosis in 2004, 2005, 2013) has destroyed him.

You aren't alone. Knowing that doesn't fix the situation, but you do have company. Sometimes that helps.
Take care,
Carol

Good article. my mother law used to shower once a week which is horrible. Now she will take once in about 9-10 days. Now all of my furniture smells like her and I do not want to sit in the same room as her. It is horrible --i lose more of my wife everyday taking care of her mother. I hate it. I hate that her smell is all over the place. I hate that her room smells like pee. I hate it. I hate that i cant lay down on my own couch with out smelling my mother in law. I hate it

I agree that often the problem is memory and/or confusion. A few days could easily slip by without thinking of a shower or making sure the clothing is fresh. Also, these things are likely not top priority. I hope that your mom remains responsive to your suggestions. This seems to be a problem for most caregivers of people with dementia.
Take care,
Carol

Good article. I was starting to have the problem of no bathing with my Mom. In her case the comment I got was "I'm not doing anything so I don't get dirty" I kindly reminded her that " you still pee, poop and sweat, so you need to shower at least a couple times a week". That has helped. Her showers aren't long and she doesn't allow me to help her even though I offer but she must be doing ok as the "odor" problem is gone. I just remind her that it's shower day.
I do have to check her clothes as she will wear the same things. I think a lot of the bathing and changing clothes problem is related to her dementia she doesn't remember when she last showered or what she wore yesterday.

I hope so, too, Olivia!
Take care of yourself. You're doing great.
Carol

I am a 76 year old reading this article, and getting cold chills I must say. I live alone with two dogs and two cats and basically do everything for myself, the pets and the household that I have ever done. (one of the cats is sitting here helping use the mouse)..l. I just hope these things never come to me because being waited on and taken care of rubs me the wrong way, in a big way. My granny lived to 104 in her own home and died there basically of old age. She never seemed to get sick and was only in hospital once for a short time. She is the one we went to when we needed a friend from long ago's maiden name. She had home health care come regularly to help her with bathing and was glad to have the help. My mom lived to 89 and stayed bathed, wearing clean clothes, her favorite perfume and her jewelry even just to sit at home. She would wear the same blouse more than once but that was about it. Kept her fingernails and toenails manicured, pedicured, painted and wore some simple makeup. Guess I was a lucky (only) child. Hope my kids have the same luck with me.

I'm a 60 year old man, parents are mid eighties and bathing is a problem. Mom is still mentally alert. To maintain a sense of modesty when I help her bathe I have her wear a gown or nightie that's easy to take off. Once she's seated on her bath chair in the tub I turn around reach back and help her pull off the gown and then exist. She can still wash and shampoo and even done she calls (I hangout nearby) hand her the gown with head turned and we're done!
With dad (dementia) mom is getting good at gently letting him know he's a bit smelly and he will take a bath. (Once a month if we're lucky). She marks his last bath on the big wall calendar because "I just did that yesterday " is his reply to any request. Then she can show him how long it's been since he has bathed.

The only way I can get to even give an abbreviated sponge bath for my husband is to give him a Xanax. It is helpful to choose the time of day when he is more cooperative and tell him ahead of time what I'm going to do for each part of his body and to keep the bathroom and the wash cloth warm.

I love your insistence on dignity. Who among us wants our children or anyone else, for that matter, providing these intimate cares? Yet it's necessary for many. You have a good handle on this, as do so many others in the community. It's wonderful to read the comments.
Carol

Most excellent article & thank you. I found the chair essential esp. after mom started falling. The long chair which is both in and out of the tub so one can sit outside and swing into is so very helpful. At first when minimal assistance was needed I had her wash her "lady parts" herself which afforded us both some dignity. Eventually it progressed but gently and above all with dignity. Wonderful microwavable bath towelettes are also available when that time eventually comes. Those with dementia can be almost impossible but with some forethought and respect the chore can be achieved.

My problem is that the water is so filled with chemicals that it hurts the skin.
Mom said, it made her skin hurt. The skin is extra drying and the skin shows dry spots and rough skin. We use moisture soap and conditioners, but there are still dry patches. The public water source smells just like a open bottle of bleach. What can we do?

Don't know if already mentioned, but in areas with cold climates, getting wet leads to getting cold, a big energy drain. Some with breathing difficulties have trouble inhaling steamy fumes and others just get exhausted from the effort of getting clothes off, on and getting scrubbed, etc.

This is the problem with so many Alzheimer's associated questions. We do what we can, but some things don't have "real" answers. Some tips work for some people, but for others they have no impact. We just keep trying.
Take care,
Carol

When my sons were young I was a VERY harried mom. I had my children close together, my oldest was extremely hyper and unpredictable. The second extremely obstinate and uncommunicative. The third and fourth were toddler and infant. I talked to my mom about different strategies to deal with some of the situations that were coming up. This is what my Mom told me. Stop trying to find an easy way to do this andjust do it. You need to accept that it is hard and do what you need to do.
As I have dealt with lots of situations parenting and now caregiving formy Mom those words have brought me through many times. They give me the strength to let go of the frustration, and just do what needs to be done.
THERE IS NO ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. If you scroll up you will see other comments I have made. Other suggestions I have made. But the bottom line is that our parents are NOT in their right mind. This situation is crappy and it is NOT going to change. Our loved one may refuse to bathe and change tbeir clothing every day the rest of their lives. That does not change the fact that it needs to happen.
We are the ones with our mental capacity. We are the ones responsible to have it happen. And it is HARD.
A newly married friend of mine - suddenly parent to a 3-year-old asked me for advice. What will help me cope? she asked. I told her Always remember he is the child andhe gets to act like one. You are the adult and you MUST act like one. He gets to throw tantrums and lose his cool. You don't. You get to stick to what you say no mattwr what he does.
And that is tbe same here. We are the ones with our brains. They are the ones who are cofused, scared, perhaps with some degree of dementia. They get to say no. They get to act demented because they are. You will not change that. We are the ones who must kindly and calmly say what needs to be done and not leave until it is. They get to yell at us. They get to be angry. They get even refuse. We dont get to yell. We dont get to be angry and we dont get to leave. We still have our brains and we have to use them.
and there is absolutely NOTHING that change that. There are no magic words that make them get in a shower. There are no magic words that make them not be demented for even a moment. Therefore they get to be. We don't.

if they dont shower n urinate on themselves then how do you get them to even change cloths???????????

So sorry to hear about the struggles some of the readers are having. I believe embarrassment is one of the reasons for loved ones not wanting to bathe. I've found that embarrassment is expressed in many ways. Anger, avoidance, confusion, and excuses to name a few. Having a specially designed (wear -in-the shower) dignity garment helps with that, as it covers wet or dry or during quick towelette bathing, and it covers for the whole process, without exposure. It helped my mom when I cared for her. I know I wouldn't want someone (especially a relative!) see me naked. I'm sure I'd fuss and go dirty to avoid help. Did you know that in Oregon, the number one reason for assisted suicide is the fear of dignity loss. That's pretty telling of how important our dignity is! It might be helpful to try using a cover (such as an Honor Guard garment) as embarrassment might be the hidden issue. Hope this helps.

She has Medicare and no savings, and lives from social security check to social security check. I can't afford to have someone come in and help with her. When Medicare allows, her doctor will write a Rx for 5 weeks of home health assistance, but that's the whole package, nurse visits, PCA, physical therapy ... and most of the time when they show up, she says she's busy, it's not a convenient time, come back next week. The last PCA who came, injured her leg very badly, her skin is fragile due to a bad injury a couple of years ago, and the aid scrubbed too hard, so she won't allow another PCA in the house. She can't smell herself and is in no physical discomfort from not bathing, hence she has no motivation to do so. I used to take her out once a week to get her hair done, and on those days she would wash. But more often than not, she dawdled and dawdled and would not log off the Internet in a timely fashion, it takes her about an hour and a half to bathe and dress, and I was having to cancel appointments. My mother refuses to walk and sits in a wheelchair a minimum of 12 hours a day. She can walk, but she refuses to do so because she says it hurts her arthritis. She develops pressure sores and some nasty fungal infections and, being incontinent and damp down below all the time, her skin breaks down. With a urethra that is wide open, she catches some nasty UTIs every few months, and due to not moving around enough or keeping clean, some pretty funky fungal infections. Ideally, according to her doctor, she needs to bathe at least once a day and lotion up well. My mother neglects herself and then thinks, when she gets cellulitis or a nasty pressure sore on her backside, that she can go to the doctor who will prescribe something to make it better.

Thank you, this helps me understand a lot, and gives the help I need.

I think there are some great thghts and tips. If you have never been out with a parent who smells really bad- you can barely sit by then at a movie- or anywhere- THEY smell so bad!

I think the below article is a good one, but really, is asking a person to take a bath once a week too much? The last episode of not taking a transitional chair assisted bath was 34 days. She complained that she can give herself her own bath, but this is not true. She needs assistance. So now her last bath was September 17th. Today is 9/30. This morning is the FIRST time she's given herself a "sponge" bath since her "bath" on the 17th. She is starting to stink again, and its been 2 weeks since she has had her hair washed (It already stinks!). She is very stubborn, and once she gets something in her mind, a sledge hammer couldn't beat it out of her.
She has since fallen (because she didn't want to use her walker!) and bruised her ribs. So, I don't foresee another bath in the near future. I have just decided to see how long that she is going to go w/o a bath. Then, when it reaches a month, I know we'll have to argue with her again as to why she needs a bath. She will be 93 in October, and she feels as though since they didn't take baths on a regular basis as a child, she can go by the same game plan now. It's really exhausting, and no, doing special things for her does not break her down and want her to take a bath because she doesn't believe in pampering. And, I won't play her mind games with her. And, since our relationship is not a good one (like gasoline (her) & matches (me), she will not do anything to make this live-in situation easier for me, vowing to be as contrary with me as possible. So, it's up to her son to deal with it, and I hate that because I want to make it easier on him to deal with her, not harder. Thanks for the advice!

Hi, I work in carehomes in the UK and know this is a common problem over here, most carehomes now use products called norinse, you dont have to get the resident wet at all to use them. Hope this helps

I love this article because it is a constant battle to get my fiance's mother to take a bath, or for that matter, to even take a sponge bath. She told us that at her age (93) she could be as contrary as she wants. She is rude, and she is very stubborn; and quite honestly this past Wednesday she got her first bath in over a month. Both her doctor, and my doctor said that she should have a bath between 2-3 times a week. I think she's not only rebellious, but also suffering from depression. She has become more hateful than she used to be, and that makes matters worse. I'm concerned that she might develop a staph infection, and that it will not only effect her, but the rest of the family, too. And since I've had a staph infection twice within the past 4 years, through no fault of my own, I know first hand what it involves as far as keeping your clothes and personal products away from those that you don't want to contaminate. She resents us (mainly me) telling her that she needs a bath. She fights us all the way, and we don't know what to do. She knows that if she pitches a fit, she gets her way. I think this is wrong, and we shouldn't cave in to her temper tantrums. I feel that she's just being contrary because she told us she was going to be this way. I want another doctors opinion besides the two that I've gotten about what is considered a safe amount of time between baths because she isn't keeping herself clean. Thank you for your great advice above and for any new advice that you might have. :-)

My mom is not very good about taking showers, fear of always getting cold.

1st -What I do is put myself in shorts and t-shirt

2nd strip her down to where she has on only her long sleeve shirt on (she's ok with that),

3rd I put her on her chair in the shower with her feet on top of mine (so her feet won't get touched by the cold water until it warms up for her).

I wash her hair 1st, than face & neck, than I wash her legs & feet by than she will allow me to take her shirt off so I can do her back and chest area down to her private areas, she has been so good ever since I started doing it that way. It turned out amazingly good for the both of us. Well her wet shirt I throw it up and over the shower curtain after I wring it out that is,LOL. Good luck, Loving what I do!

Dear Lisa (Theveteran1), first I'd like to say Thank you for everything you've done for us and continue to do by sharing your thoughts so openly. It takes courage to live with a disability. On a daily basis, it should be a goal to just turn on the shower and stand in the water. You may be able to get back in the habit by taking baby steps. Don't wash or shampoo your hair. Just stand and enjoy the water, then get out, dry and get dressed. Breaking things down that seem impossible into small parts sometimes helps me not to be overwhelmed by the seemingly impossible task in front of me. I hope this idea is helpful. And again thank you for what you have given.