We moved in with my father in law 4 months ago because he looked so skinny and fragile, he had been taken advantage of many times in the past 5 years. We moved to Ca from Co to take care of him. We made the process slow. Started by visiting then bringing meals a few times a week. It took us months to clean and make the house livable. Dad lost his wife in 2011. We are here now he is gaining weight, he is quite mean at times. He has not showered since we got here and is wearing the same clothes. When we discuss it with him he tells us we are full if crap and walks away! Help

Schoolmarm, my heart goes out to you. I know people with breathing problems who have the same type of trouble you do with showers or just finding the energy to get cleaned up. I doubt that you are doing physical labor and your brain seems fine, so if you sponge bathe often, you won't be offending anyone soon. You don't even have to do that all at once. Just here and there when you can.
Take care and thanks for a note from the "inside." We always appreciate that.
Carol

Well, I am the offender here. Age 71....COPD/Emphysema. O2, 24/7. Good days and bad days. Lots of inhalants, meds and other treatments. I am tired. Always. When I do shower, there is a seat to use. I bring the cannula tube in with me. It is a real effort....and breathtaking one. The planets need to be aligned for me to be ready to shower. I look forward to it daily, but the strength just isn't there.

2TiredinFlorida, I feel horrible for you. Different parts of the country are woefully lacking in senior care and you seem to be living in one of them. Few places have tons of options, but it sounds as if you have a worse situation than most. Awful as the choice may seem, you may have to somehow move your mother like you did your dad.

Keep watching the thread and check out other categories on the site in case someone in the community has other ideas.

Keep us posted when you can. You have it rough.
Carol

I never would have thought all the whites and light colors of the bathroom itself would be the problem!

I'm wondering if using visual aids both before and once in the bathroom will help elders with dementia better enjoy a bath. Would showing the parent pictures of themselves looking all put together entice them to bathe? Once in the bathroom, how about putting decals on the walls of things your parent enjoys like flowers, sports or nature images? Perhaps colorful washcloths or sponges? Colorful tub toys? What about giving the person a doll to wash while you gently wash them?

I found a heavy duty vinyl bath product that inflates around the person who is lying down. It comes with a wet-dry vacuum and drain hose. Has anyone used one? This product looks like it could work especially for bed bound people. We're approaching the point where my MIL will either need something like this vinyl contraption, which brings the bath to her bed, or a lift into her bath. Her tub has a handheld shower and seat and everything is within reach but I'm worried that MIL's helper is going to hurt herself one of these days transferring MIL in and out of the tub.

Years ago I got a recipe from a nurse in Boston for women's hygiene but I suppose it would work for men too. It's 1 part distilled white vinegar plus 1 part sea or kosher salt to 3 parts warm water. It can also be used as a douche (if a douche is absolutely necessary) but I keep a plastic pitcher in the shower. It's a gentle yet effective daily cleanser that keeps lady parts fresh smelling. And unlike soap, which you really have to make sure you rinse off completely, you don't have to worry about rinsing it. You can just pat dry.

Carol Bursack,
I have tried looking up "Senior Care Pasco County" all I find are private companies that take care of elders. This is all the County website lists for Seniors as well
pascocountyfl Once again, private providers. The Alzheimers association is in Tampa that's an hours drive from here. Likewise the only other group the Area Agency on Aging is in St Petersburg another hours drive from here. There is nothing locally. I am getting more and more frustrated. I remember when my father got bad, I had to move them down with me to Tampa, as they could not get any help here in Pasco. Why they chose this d@mned Tea Party county to live in, is beyond me. This place is worthless.

2TiredinFlorida, it's time for your mom to be diagnosed (yes, getting her to a doctor will be a battle - don't mention memory or brain issues if you set this up). It does sound as if she has dementia of some type. A neurologist can sort that out.

With a diagnosis in hand, she'd likely qualify for a memory unit in assisted living or a nursing home, depending on her physical health and your local services. Try going to www.aging.gov and then look for your state resources. You should find a good, long list of agencies that can help you with this. Your local Agency on Aging is often a good place to start.

I wouldn't just "turn over the assets" and let them take what's left. That only happens with Medicaid. If your mother is going into a private pay facility (she'll likely end up on Medicaid unless she is wealthy) the money should be paid monthly. An elder care attorney may be able to help you with this.

You need your life back. Try to find local resources to direct you so that you can get the ball rolling.
Best wishes to you,
Carol

Well none of these suggestions work with my mom! She won't let ANYONE help her. She does not want ANYONE coming in the house. She doesn't have any friends left who could talk her into it. As a matter of fact, the last friend who tried to suggest they get dressed and go out for lunch, was disowned. She will no longer have anything to do with her. " Damned busybody, who does she think she is". Mom wears the same old housecoat every day, will not wear anything else. Same goes for her nighties. She has plenty of nice ones, but she insists on wearing one old tattered one. She says the others are "too fancy"! I don't know if she has Alzheimers, as she seems to be there more or less. She does forget what food items are. She will say, " I've never had that, I'm not gonna eat it". She also does not seem to know whats going on on the tv. She will sit there, but she really does not pay attention, then says, " they just have crazy stuff on tv, these days". She is very deaf, so when I talk to her, I'm not sure if she can't hear me, or she doesn't understant. She always says, " I don't know what you're talking about. I've been taking care of her now for almost ten years. I am burning out. I think it may be time to put her in a nursing home. Once again, there I am confused. Nursing home, or Assisted Living. Most around here are assisted, and they won't discuss price. They simply say, "when you sign her assets over to us, we will take what is necessary". I'm stumped.

I helped an adult son with his mother as she declined drastically. She had been virtually a recluse for yrs. when i moved here & did not know. Since he did some chores for me I would occasioanally drop by with some treats for them....so she got used to me, & was too polite to throw me out, which she did with family. When she was hospitalized & could only come home if she got homecare, I was the one whom she'd allow. I bought flannel backed large table cloth at grocery store, covered her bed, she laid on the flannel side, with a sheet over her & i washed & lotioned one small part at a time. Keeping me eyes on her face as i chatted about my gardens, the birds etc. kept her dignity in place. She did her own private area the best she could. We all like being massaged & pampered so even washing her hair with a pretty wet face cloth worked as she lay there. While I went to empty the basin & put facecloth & hand towels into the laundry after sitting her up, she pulled the nittie over her head & was dressed enough to be transferred to a chair while i removed the table cloth & got her bed rolled down. I don't want to see people naked as much as they don't want to be seen. AND ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES to make it FEEL LESS PERSONAL.

Hcareworker, great solutions! Staying clean is the issue, not how this task is accomplished. If running water or regular baths are a battle, your suggestions take care of the whole body in a natural but efficient manner.
Thanks!
Carol

Johnny shirts are great to help. Aslo thin, cotton face or dishcloths that are easy to wring out. You make a basin of warm water with a tiny bit of dish det. Don't need suds...just enough to cut the body oils. You hand them the wet cloth & they reach in under the shirt to wash breasts etc. after you have done their arms. Hand them baby wipes to do 'down there privates' to ensure that feces never accidently get into eyes. Sit with them watching tv or whatever while they soak their feet for 10 min a few times a week. As you dry their feet, wash their legs with a cloth. Make it casual & pampering instead of power struggle.

If you have trouble getting around at all, it's especially troublesome getting around in the wet and slippery. Fear is number 1, and anyone who ignores that fact is not going to deal effectively with it. No. 2 is need. How often do they really need to bathe and change clothes? Certainly more often than they may wish, but as often as we do, or demand? No.

Dad, 95 and in AL memory unit now gets aggressive with other patients. Had to hire an aide to stay with him 24/7 in the facility. He's always pleasant, says hello to the other patients, but if they get near him while walking in the hall, he'll strike out at them. On new meds now so hopefully the behavior will either change or lessen. He likes his aide. Calls him his friend, John. As soon as John mentions a shower, dad gets agitated and tries to hit him. I told him that as long as his body is washed daily, lets forgo asking him to shower. As their behavior changes, our response has to change too. It's hard, but we have to pick our battles with them.

Bjbecrpp, it may be time for outside help. He may be feeling unsteady and is afraid of climbing into the shower, grab bars or not. Sometimes bribes work, sometimes not. Have you tried helping him in?

my husband gets mad if I tell him I will take my shower then he can take his. he has dementia, but not made aware of this fact. we are 13 year difference in age. help. maybe someone else in my circumstances can help me . I love him but don't want anyone get near him and say he stinks. HELP. PLEASE

Thanks, Carol. I do think the hospital stay caused some problems, we've seen some other changes. I'm going to make a separate post for some other questions, I don't want to hijack this thread.

CrazyCat, a hospital stay can tip an elder over the line into dementia type behavior. Sometimes that improves, but often it doesn't. You may be right in that some of his behavior is anger at changes in his life, as well. It's hard to know that cause at this time, but you are handling it like a pro. Congratulations!
Carol

My dad (88) rather suddenly moved in with us back in January after a 2 week hospital stay. He went from showering every day, to showering once in 8 weeks. We got a shower stool, 2 grab bars, a handheld shower head, and a space heater for the bathroom. All these things have helped some, he now showers once a week. I usually bribe him with a trip to his favorite restaurant, it helps motivate him.
As far as clean clothes, I just take the dirty ones at night and leave clean ones. I stopped debating how long one should wear the same pair of jeans and flannel shirt. I do think some of this is a control issue, almost like with a toddler.

My mother has vascular dementia, and taking a bath was the apparent right from the beginning. I find when dealing with her, I have to approach her like I would a six-year-old child. The more I balk, the more she digs in her heels. While it is true, elders do not always need daily baths, in her case it is not. She has total incontinence and UTI's almost every month. She wears adult diapers, along with two wicking pads and an overnight pad at every change. Overkill to me, but since she will not get up every two hours to empty her bladder, she feels she needs it.

Getting her to bathe on a regular basis has been a trial and error ordeal. I know she feared falling, so I put a shower chair, and two hand rails in the tub. Plus I am there for her in and out of the bath. I have a portable heater that blows into the rear of the shower to keep her warm. (No danger of electrocution) I wash her hair, as I noticed she flinches and becomes unbalanced when the water hits her face, and she closes her eyes. I have also started a routine that I shave her legs, rub them with a sugar scrub, and a form of butter balm, which she really loves. This helps with the dry, scaling skin.

Sometimes she will bath on her own, and sometimes she needs some encouragement. I find that heating up the bathroom first and teasing her with the leg scrub and lotion works the best. On the days she will not get a bath, I bought her adult size wipes and sanitizing wipes doctors offices use prior to submitting a urine sample.

By no means have I conquered this problem, and until I can change her habits completely she will continue to have the UTI’s. (Been to a urologist, who can do nothing more for her) While these doctors are quick to tell the caregiver how important bathing is on a daily basis, they certainly do not convey that to the patient face to face. My mother is a retired registered nurse who specialized in ALZ/Dementia and Hospice patients. She knows the right words at the right times, which has made this last year very difficult. I just wanted to share some of the tricks I have found work for me, in hopes it helps someone else avoid some of the frustration I have experienced this last year.

My Dad is 88, has some dementia and is totally stubborn and argumentative. He hasn't showered in 4 months and I have to argue with him to get him to change his clothes so that I can wash them. He tells me he doesn't sweat so he doesn't smell, his sense of smell is totally gone. Sometimes I get so frustrated because everything is just his way. He will use the toilet and I know he doesn't wash his hands and when he coughs he doesn't cover his mouth. When I tell him to wash his hands he yells at me that he did, I am just so frustrated, is anyone else having this problem?

I've been going through this with my own 88 year old Mom. The only time she will get in the shower is to go to the doctor, which is every six months. And unfortunately we live together so I have to put up with it. I've tried everything, rewarding her, praising her, offering to help, nothing helps. Her isn't afraid of falling, she's just mean. She says horrible things to me, hurtful things. She doesn't have Alzheimer's or dementia, she's just hateful. She's more physically fit than I am by far so to forcibly move her to a nursing home isn't possible. The sad thing is, her treatment of me damages my self esteem and the quality of my life in the process. I have no other family, no siblings. I sympathize with other caregivers going through difficulties taking care of problematic parents. It's tough.

My mother is 78 with dementia and lives with me. She wakes every morning soaked in urine. I greet her with a smile and say "go to the bathroom get those dirty clothes off and then you can come out have coffee." She will come back out like she's done not having removed any of the dripping wet clothes. I have to take them off for her then wash her but she has absolutely no problem dressing, combing her hair and putting her makeup on. I don't get why a person would care about hair and makeup and not about being covered in urine and feces. She still knows everyone's names. She has an incredible appetite. She could still win a spelling bee. She wants to wear nice clothes with no spots or holes but she will not change them when they are soiled. This seems a little different than the other testemonies I've read. It's not a fear of the tub. I am just asking her to take the dirty clothes off. I have no problem helping her bathe. She still goes to the bathroom on her own. She wears the adult diapers. I have come to realize she does not wipe and folds toilet paper up and puts in her diaper. I am just wondering if this is typical?

We have had the same problem with Mom (100) for the past 8 years. She doesn't wash and won't let anyone help her. She lies and says she showers. She wears the same clothes day after day until they are filthy and we make her take them off. Assisted living staff hasn't been able to get her cooperation either. As long as she doesn't smell, they are ok with it and we have given up. Unfortunately, she is also incontinent, and ended up with a UTI from being filthy. At her age we are doing what we can but, as I said, given up expecting she will cooperate with us in any way (and she is still in enough of her mental faculties that we can't force her to do anything, and neither can AL)

Washing everyday is not essential and obviously its daunting if there are strangers telling you to wash and take your clothes off.

I have tried everything with My mum, dry shampoos , wipes that kind of thing. they were all pretty useless. I then found a AMAZING product call Nilaqua, brought some from amazon , i decided to buy some of the shampoo first, it works very well, it is waterless product which you apply, rub and a soapy lather is created then you simply towel it off. All the grossness is lifted with the lather after you towel it off. I can clean my mums hair easily whilst she is watching TV. It works really well, mum has very limited movement so showering is a even harder then just dementia.

hope this helps anyone!

Oh yeah, we can identify with all of that. Mom hasn't showered in years. She used to wash in the sink but doesn't do even that now. She is in AL, and refuses all help. They say its ok as long as she doesn't smell. But now she is becoming incontinent and having accidents. She wears the same clothes over and over, stained, filthy, until they talk her out of them so they can wash them. She is the most stubborn person alive. We are just waiting for them to kick her out of AL and into memory care or a nursing home.

I agree wholeheartedly with the paragraph on the weekly bath being the norm and time just sliding by. There are quite a few similarities with life with mum in that article and in a way it's reassuring that mums situation is not unique and I can overcome the lows by making them highs.

If the person is bed-bound or is uneasy on their feet, the bathroom might be a scary place. Necessity is the mother of invention - try bringing the shower to them - I bought a washer basin (those plastic squares (3'x3') at home depot/lowes that they place under a washing machine in case of leaks), a resin lawn chair, and a painters tarp. Place the square basin next to the bed with the tarp underneath and the chair in the center of the square. Bring 2 buckets of warm water - one for soaping and one for rinsing. Place the person on the chair in their pjs with a towel around their shoulders - make sure the room is private; (1) wash their hair and rinse - dry them off so they don't get cold. (2) Remove the towel and the top pj and wash their upper body - rinse and dry and clothe them; (3) wash their feet and their legs, rinse and dry. (4) stand them up gently with a bathtowel around the waist as you wash their privates - rinse and dry then clothe their bottom half. During the entire episode - look at their face and talk to them; hopefully they'll appreciate feeling clean.

Sometimes the fear of falling in the shower makes one take less showers

Think about it this way. When you are younger you like to shower and clean up because you put on fresh crisp clothes afterwards and you probably use nice smelling soap or shower gel; maybe you use a little body spray or perfume...your hair is cut nicely and you have some nice textured face and body cremes to use. You go out all happy with the way you look and smell...I wonder if people are providing some of those little niceties for their elderly parents who need help with their grooming. My mom died at 89 but she died with a fresh hair cut (and new dye job)...never saw her with grey hair. She kept her nails manicured and her toenails...did the job herself. I don't remember ever seeing mother without paint on her nails...she was a real go getter too, kept a beautiful, clean house, sewed, worked outside the home occasionally...she always had the nice things to use for her personal care and so enjoyed doing it. Maybe some new clothes, new and different soaps, a little surprise goodie for personal grooming would make it easier for old folks to bear having to be helped in the bath.

Showering adjustments have to be made at some time in our lives. A regular schedule helps, I have found criticism does not help. Some elderly may need a daily sponge bath with help to overcome the inability to shower or bathe.
Gently but firmly state: "You know you always feel better after a shower/bath"; then walk away and prepare the bathroom. Walk up to "the patient", stand there and reach out your palm, face up, waiting for them to put their hand on yours, because you are going to help them walk to the bathroom.