yes`my father `is very grubby with me for no rewason at all \and does not commnicate with meb at all and since my mum \as died about 2yrs ago the 11th feburaery 2013 from abloode clot on the lung and thatv went to her leg as they treyed to fit apeace maker in her heart and itv went all wrong and saDLY DIEDNOW TOO AS HE aS NEVER BEEN THE SAME AS WITH ME SUFFERING FROM DPRESSTION NOW FROM ATEEN AGER FROM ABOUT 16 YRS OLD AND THEIR WAS NO JOBS AT ALL NOW WHICH WAS VERY HARD NOW ABOUT ACOUPLE OFF DAYS AGO NOW ITOLD HIJM THAT IDID SUFFEWR FROM \DEPRESSTION OH YOU PLAY ON YOPUR ILLNES TOO AS TYOU ARE TOTALLY DEPRESSTED YOU ARE NOW AS YOU CAN HAVE ALL \HELP \ON DOCTORS BUT THEY CAN HELP YOU DEPRESSTION BUT NOT SORT YOUR PROBLEMS OUT FOR YOU NOW FROM SAVE OWENS AS MY DAD DID GIVE MY MUM ADOGS` LIFE NOW ABOUT 45 YRS AGO NOW ONE TOO WHEN YOU HAVE AROW WITH HIM HE SWITCHES THE TELEVSTION OFF YOU AND THEN TAKES THE TELEVSTION UP STAIRS NOW AND` HARDLY SPEAKS TO YOU AT ALL AS`ITS BEEN AVERY 2YRS DIFFCUKLTYS WITH HIM NOW TOO ONE AS HE IS AGE 62 YRS OLD AND DOES SLEEP ALL DAY NOW TOO AS IHAVE GOPT ASBERGES SYN DROME AND DOES NOPT HAVE ANY TIME FOR ME NOW SOME MORIN INGS HE DOES HIS OWN BREAK FASAT AND LEAVES YOU WIT OUT ANY NOW WHICH IS TOTALLY WRONG AND DISCUSSTING FOR YOUR OWN FLESH BLOOD NOW ONE TOO FROM DAVE

Heart that made me chuckle living far away would be great ....Mars perhaps? grins

It's so true when you give up so much of your life to care for someone. This is why the majority of people/siblings, etc. choose to be as far away as possible.

You aren't vile : ) You are just telling it like it is for many people, so you are helping others.
Take care,
Carol

Oh god this is my life and what a fool I was. Dont think I am vile I am not I just know that by the time mum dies I will probably be 70 with nothing to look forward to at all except a decline in my own health - deep joy

Reality does bite. Those promises I wish I had never made and the guilty feeling thinking you wished you could be like the rest of the siblings. Ostriches with their head in the sand and a strong-willed parent who has no idea what safety really is.

I care for my 90 yo Mom in my home who has dementia and the usual problems that folks her age are prone to. I gave up my career, my home and my life to do this. I've been doing this for years now. Am I sorry I've done it. I'm not totally sure yet. But I do know that I DO NOT want my son and his family doing this for me. They can help me to stay in my own home for as long as possible but when I am no longer able to do that I need to be put in an appropriate care facility.
In many ways I'm glad I could do this for Mom and Dad but it has taken a tremendous toll on me as it does for so many caregivers.

I had both my parents (both in their early 80's) living with me as well as my daughter and her 7 year old son in a 2 bedroom 2 bath townhome. YIKES! I love my family dearly, but no privacy and my parents dealing with stairs and a 7 year old proved to be too much. So, I put my parents on every low income senior housing list available Behold....an apartment became available last month a one bedroom in a really nice neighborhood, affordable pool and Jacuzzi (we live in California) and perfect no stairs. It's close to my job so I'm there often checking on them doing whatever they need done.

I lived with my parents to first help with my mother until her death in September 2007 and I have no regrets. It was difficult and rewarding at the same time. My only regret was my siblings. They did not ever offer to lend a helping hand from time to time and 3 out of 4 of them started to become abusive. Once my mother passed I stayed on with my Dad. We helped each other with the grieving of the loss of my mother and we sort of kept each other company. I work a full-time job and took care of most of the household chores, errands, some outdoor work, taking my Dad out for weekend rides, lunch, doctor appointment etc. My eldest brother looked at it as me getting rich because I no longer had a mortgage. Being a caregiver can take a toll on you physically, emotionally and can affect your professional and personal life but I still did not regret it. My father past this past July after my brother took over because he somehow was made medical POA seven years ago without my knowledge....I thought I was but he made it official behind my back. He never took him to any doctors appointments or did anything for him. Of course I knew once he took over that it was a death sentance for my Dad and it was. The rest of my siblings joined my eldest brother in controlling everything with my Dad. I was told I would not be allowed to see him because he could put a restraining order against me. As soon as my Dad passed my brother ordered me out of the house so he could sale it and get the money and any other money he had. So do I regret the decision "NO" but my life since and just before my Dad's death has been the most difficult and heartbreaking experience of my life. I no longer have my immediate family. I wake up everyday thinking I am living in a bad dream and I suffer from anxiety that I have never had before. I pray everyday things with change but so far life has become far more difficult than being there for my parents. I am glad I was there for them but I paid a hugh price!

Hello, I'm new to the forum and new to caring for my mom, she's 87 yrs old. she's been living with us (husband n I) for 8 months now. We left our home, jobs n family to care for her, since no one wanted to take the responsibility. It's hasn't been easy. Mom and I never had a tight mom and daughter relationship. She has very strong will character, sometimes stubborn, poor me, I wish I would die attitude, when she has the smallest of pain or things Don't go her way. She still can do thing on her own.she's independent . My husband n I work, she stays alone until 3pm, but she won't prepare food for herself. I think is laziness, since she is capable, I enrolled her in the meals on wheels program, but it's a long waiting list. She a picky eater, I leave food for her, but it's there when i get home. She has her tantrums for no reason, its like walking on pins n needles at times, just to have peace. We have no family near, closest family lives about 18 hrs away, but its like not having anyone to help
out cuz when they were living close to her they didn't care for her that's the reason why she's living with us. so right now we're fine it hasn't been easy but I know that eventually one day we would have to look for more options in terms of having someone to help us to care for her. and that's when things are going to get more complicated being that we are not capable financially since caring facilities are so expensive. Thank you so much for this forum, it has helped me a lot, I'm grateful. My prayers go out to those caregivers who have parents that are very sick.

It's going to be difficult but I believe extricating yourself from your mother is your only hope. You have my sincerest hopes for a brighter future. Move mom out or move out yourselves. Simplify. Change isn't easy but if you're muserable it's the only way. Good luck!!

Mkamazonas63, your mother sounds like a very selfish person who has used you and your husband, destroyed your finances and put your marriage on the rocks while she has a rockin social life! Something is wrong with this picture. Did she help any in buying the house? It is time for you to find a new place for her to live at her expense. I don't know how much longer you can live like this.

We invited my Mother to live with us 12 years ago.My Father had died a few years before and the house was just becoming too much for her.She lived a thousand miles away from my husband, my son and I, but we felt it was the best thing for her. My siblings resided much closer but one had just gotten married and was experiencing her " honeymoon" and the other was still very immature and unsettled. My Mother, at the time, was only 62, and in fairly good health . My husband and I were both 39. Since then, both of my siblings have done well financially, and living in stable marriages. When my Mother originally moved in with us; We were in an apartment. As soon as she got comfortable, all she could talk about is how we needed a house...That was something we had never discussed with each other but she convinced us to do so,(She proceeded to attend the construction meetings and pretty much took over in the choices:( I have always had huge respect for my Mother but evidently she has very little for my husband and myself...)
Anyway, we all moved into this new house and things snowballed from there..,,Short story, 12 years later, we have gone through a bankruptcy, my husband and I have a horrible relationship and our future looks bleek! Meanwhile, my Mother has a booming social life in church in clubs, she constantly treats us like her maintenance and personal assistant at home, and my siblings have not contributed a single dime to all of our efforts. This situation, mind you, is getting more expensive, because my Mother is experiencing more serious health issues. I love my Mother, but,
I am miserable!! Help!!

Thanks so much for your support. My husband has all her finances and POA done two years ago. Everything that wAy is in order. My mother in law is very sharp minded but her body is very frail and she has many ailments. Yesterday was a follow up appointment with a specialist. Back in July she lost her balance and my husband grabbed her to keep her from falling. (I forgot to mention that last September (2013) she had fallen and broken her hip. Anyway when he grabbed her under her arm she was bruised and we thought maybe my husband had broken her ribs. When he took her to the hospital they took an X-ray at the time and found she was definitely only bruised but they found a mass on her lungs. Yesterday was a scheduled follow up appointment with a specialist. They took X-rays again and found that the mass had grown twice the size since July. The specialist firmly believes that she has lung cancer but will now need to do further blood work and a biopsy. He advised her of the options depending on what the biopsy showed. That evening We decided to go and see how she was making out after digesting the news. We discussed her future, the tests, her care she will need and the different options. She is in denial of her health situation and the care she will need. She does not feel that there is any need for her to go to a nursing home or have extra in home care. Today my husband and I had a very long discussion. We agree that the next few months are going to dramatically change her life and our life. We know that we will need to ensure that she has the best care we can get for her regardless of how much she objects to our decisions. And if she goes into the hospital for any reason we will be advising them that we can no longer care for her in our home. I will keep you posted again after all her test are completed in the next few months and how we are making out. It is difficult being responsible for an elderley parent. My parents are both in their eighties, very healthly and financially set to take care of themselves. they planned wisely over the years to ensure that their children were not burdened with the responsibility. Thanks again for your support and for listening to me. Southernbell.

Cmagnum is correct that the hospital cannot release her to you. Your case is extreme and you have my sympathy. It took us nearly a year to get my in-laws into an independent living residence. They both complained and pretended like they didn't need the services even though it was as plain on the noses on their faces that they did. We arranged for a respite period of 4 weeks and during that time we were so happy and not stressed. Then when they came back they acted like everything could go back to normal. But we didn't let them pretend and it took another 2 months to get them to accept that they needed to move. Years ago I came very close to living with them and thank goodness my brother talked me out of it. You must do what's right for you and your husband. Elders resort to anything and everything to avoid change. Figure out which nursing home is good and where you can visit her regularly, and make arrangements. Get the rest of the family together before to make sure you are all united on this decision and then have an intervention - a loving yet firm intervention. Assertive, not aggressive. And set a date in writing so that you have a goal. Get your POAs in order and figure out her finances. This is going to be very time consuming but you'll sleep better when it's all taken care of. Good luck!

Southernbell,

Is your mother in law competent or incompetent? If she is incompetent, then you could file for guardianship which would give you total authority to place her in a nursing home against her wishes.

Do you or your husband have medical POA for her? If so, whoever is the medical POA can talk with her doctor about what is going on and see if he will write an order for her to go to a nursing home.

Your mother in law has already outlived your sister in law. I don't want her to out live you too. A very high percentage of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. I hope you find some resolution for this.

Also, the next time she has to go to the hospital for something, you can tell the social worker that she can't be released to your home for that is not going to work anymore.

My mother in law lived with my sister in law for many years. When my sister inlaw passed away my mother in law remained living at my sister in laws home with my brother in law. My mother in law is 88 years old. She is blind and has several other ailments along with being very frail.

I agreed with my husband that the best place for her was to move in with us where we could care for her since we both worked from home and could be available to assist her during the day.

We did not realize at the time exactly what condition and what her difficulties were until after she moved in. I regret agreeing to this ! First was the constant complaining about what food she liked and what food she didn't like. I spent months and still to this day a year later trying to find foods she will eat. Her diet is limited to pork and beans, spaghetti on toast and a variety of either fatty non nutrious foods. She has difficulty walking and out of breath walking from her bedroom to the bathroom. Movement is difficult because she also has COPD and gets out of breath easily. She has macular degeneration and is completely blind. We have spoken to her about a nursing home because we felt that it would be far better for her where she can social with other people her own age and get the best care. ( note. My mother in law is not a social person. She doesn't make friends and therefore relies on her children to be her companions.

In addition my mother in law always finds the time to interfere with our personal life. Play guilt trips on my husband "I know you don't want me here". She has temper tantrums when she can't have her way. She complains about everything. She refuses to take advice from doctors and family on her health care , she complains about food at every meal and eats very little to begin with. She is negative and opinionated. ,

And she has driven me to the point where I can't stand her anymore. Believe me my husband has had several talks with.

We did most recently get her registered to a nursing home that we found and respit for 1 week in February. She refuses to go to respit. We have tried to encourage her to take the opportunity to get use to a nursing home filled with people and activities. She has called around to her grandchildren to take her in for one week while she is away . She does not want to go to a nursing home.

The way I read everything is that she believes that her children are obligated to keep her until the day she dies. Because it has been so difficult over the past year it is effecting our marriage , I am on anti depressant pills how's and have packed on 30 pounds of weight. My husband has had 3 heart attachs and still she does not agree with a nursing home.

Her and I don't get along and my husband is tired of her drama. We both feel that she would be better in a nursing home where she will get the best care for all her needs that we cannot fulfil, she will be around people her own age where she can have conversation , activities and fun. She would have her dietary problems solved. But she is refusing nursing home care. Why do elderley cling to their children for companionship and security? Why do they refuse a nursing home? I know she is afraid and we have taken her on a tour of several home but she is stubborn and has no interest in meeting people or doing activities. She is happier sitting in front of her TV set , living with us and burdening us. Any suggestions? I am trying to understand why? Any ideas?

Im so grateful falling upon this site! Im just in the beginning stages of this journey of caring for my father, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimers & Dementia. He's currently at a nursing home right now(& not a very good one, but thats a whole other story how he got there!). He still "Dad" but his mind is going. I go to visit & hate seeing him there! And told him, he would be coming to live with me when we can get him released. But my whole inner being says "No"! My parents & I have never had a good relationship, Abusive is more like it! I also have a new family-a fiance', my daughter, and I. Im finding myself now. Im on the journey of peeling back the layers of my "onion", the layers of me & how I got here. Where Im going? and so forth. Im finally achieving peace and stability. And dealing with my father just on visits, reminds me why I stayed away. The truth has been distorted by him for as long as I can remember which brings pain & a bit of resentment! I just don't think I could handle all that is going to come with him especially having a whole new family. We are just starting out! Just started growing and getting our life together! (Sigh!) This sight made me realize, I don't have to feel guilty for wanting peace to continue in my life. For not feeling guilty to wanting to put my family and I first. Some folks have relationships with their parents that is loving, caring, respectful. And some of us don't. I originally felt guilty for not feeling guilty for thinking of keeping my father in a nursing home. But now, I know it would be the best. Now, we don't know what God has planned for us tomorrow, the next day, or the day after that! But I know He'll guide me on the right path! He lead me here! Thanks for allowing us to share in this magnitude! Peace&Blessings 2 all of U!

When my husband and I were talking about elder care for his parents, one of the things we were considering was finding a house that would accommodate all of us. The idea was that everyone would have private space but we would share the common areas. Thank goodness we talked about this idea with other members of the family before executing this well intentioned but short-sighted plan. I will be eternally grateful to my awesome brother who said that he thought the idea was TERRIBLE and that it would ruin my marriage. He said that my father-in-law would likely not respect the boundaries of a closed door. He worried that my FIL would be particularly difficult to live with because he's narcissistic. He said that even though my in-laws are not demented now, their faculties were going. It is true that each of them has been doing things that are both irritating and unsafe. He cautioned me to not live with them because I would never be able to extricate myself from the situation without hurting their feelings and my husband's feelings. So we found a lovely building to move them into and, for now, they have everything they need. That's not to say that my MIL didn't love the idea of being "roomies" and having her son just a hallway away, but even she admitted that her husband is difficult to live with. I look at living with frail parents so differently now. Some cultures are better equipped to do it because that's always been the norm. But in this country, that stopped being the norm a long time ago.

LaurenRN, thank you. I so enjoyed your experience of having your Dad live with you & your sons. My Dad, father of nine children, receives 24-hour care at his home. Several of us rotate spending time with Dad. He has on & off days because of side effects of PD meds, but when he is on we have great times. At 82 his circle of friends has dwindled, but his memories are rich and rewarding. There were times when he worked 3 jobs to care for his brood. He loved and cherished Mom for 53 years and literally cared for her until she breathed her last breath 13 years ago. So when his moods change or he is physically challenged or his care seems burdensome, I remember the sacrifices he has made for us kids and consider it a privilege to care for him during his golden years.

To answer malsings question, I'm60 years old and I've been caring for my parent off and on since my early 40's. I moved in with them about 6 years ago to care for them full time. Before that, I lived with and cared for my sister for 4 1/2 years as she battled breast cancer. After her death, I also cared for her 24 year old who also had breast cancer - at the same time I had moved in to care for my own parents. So I've been through the ringer. And it's not been at all easy. But I've always been the type of person to approach life, looking for and focusing on the positive, and working REALLY HARD to keep my sense humor. I've learned over the years to take care of myself - taking breaks when I can, ASKING FOR HELP when I really needed it to keep my sanity, and being proactive by making plans in advance for worse care scenarios so I'm not caught by surprise more than necessary. I've learned a lot along the way about caring for end of life family members and older adults. It has gotten easier for me to manage in many ways. I mostly worry as I age that I may not be as able as I was in my younger days. I hope some of the older grandkids will begin to help out more - which would be a huge help for me. Working on that! :)

I think Idhamdy has the right attitude however, I don't know how long she's been with her folks we all change and have different outlooks on life on ourselves the longer we live I hope the sense of humor prevails. My parents live with me but I'm older and though they are funny and very sweet I still need my space my children are grown and out so it is my time we are currently seeking senior living arrangements for them. Good Luck!

It depends on how 'long' you've been 'living' with a parent and the personality of ' that' parent. After 10 years with no sibling help, the 'accumulation' of (various) stress (family issues, cantankerous behavior, time-consumption, and no time for 'self', etc.) has finally taken a toll on me... I've lost 10 years 'trying' to take care of a parent 'healthy', trying to 'keep' her 'happy/appeased, etc.' which includes a long list every day... dr visits, entertainment, hours of conversation (where as she has to be right most of the time)... It's exhausting... Sure you love the one parent (only parent if you have already lost one, like I did at 18)... so, you sacrifice your life for theirs... When you're put in this kind of parent/child situation that messes with your head and heart, sometimes it's difficult to answer such a question truthfully. Sure you love them... but at your own cost.

You've got it. If we can't find humor, we are all in trouble. If you haven't read this article, you may enjoy it:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/humor-shared-among-caregivers-therapeutic-157394.htm
Take care,
Carol

Thanks, Carol. I must add, too, that keeping one's sense of humor helps .... helps my parents if I'm able to not get uptight or upset due to stressful situations, and helps me keep my sanity and perspective.

I love reading these stories - the sad, the glad and those like ldhamby who see both sides. Each of you is helping another person (or many people) by sharing your experiences. Thanks for being such wonderful people.
Carol

I'm single and I'm moved in to care for my elderly parents (80's) after my younger sister died from breast cancer. Mom has various physical problems and dad has advanced dementia. It's required a lot of sacrifices on my part and there are challenges. But at the same time, they do make me laugh (usually not their intention) with their silly antics and arguments. I witness touching moments, like Dad whispering to Mom at least a dozen times a day, "Honey, have I told you how much I love you and that I don't know what I would do without you?" It helps me out financially to live with them, but I do lose most of my free time to helping them out. I often have moments where I am disappointed by my two brothers or some of the grandchildren who live nearby don't visit as often, or never offer to come stay for a weekend to give me a 1 or 2 days off to do my own thing. My brothers both have families with lots of issues, and the adult grandkids are pursing their educations or getting established in their own careers. So I understand ... but I still get disappointed. All in all though, I don't have any regrets moving in and caring for my parents. I'm glad I'm able to be here for them.

Yes and no. Yes I regret moving in with my father because he requires too much attention yet refuses to do anything except argue and watch every move me and my children make. He has a paid caregiver who he treats as a wife and gladly let her run our house as if Im not even there. But I do like that Im in the neighborhood I grew up in and my children are living in a big beautiful home as opposed to a basement apartment.

I live with both my elderly parents since I have gotten divorced. My mother is handicapped and disabled and was recently diagnosed with dementia and my father has asthma, COPD & emphysema. I've noticed a big change since my mom was discharged from the hospital and rehab after having surgery from heart surgery for 2 blocked arteries and had a stent put in. There has been a lot of changes with my mother especially and my dad taking it all in after being married 65 years. I helped and my son with doing things at their and preparing meals, taking them to their doctors appointments, handling their bills, and making sure they take their medications also. It makes me sad to see her like that but I know her dementia will get worse and I will have to be strong for both of them.

Actually, I'm relieved. It was so stressful to help my mom long-distance and to wonder if she was okay, that it's been a huge load off of my mind. Even with all the stressful things we've had to go through with her living with us (my husband and myself), it's still better than all the "not knowing" we used to go through.

On the other hand, every time I feel I've got a handle on things, something new happens -- some new big challenge comes up and I just think I can't figure out what to do, but then I do figure it out. And, I then, once again, sit back and think things are probably stable for a bit and I'll be wrong, of course.

Amid all the difficult and sad days, overall, she's a welcome presence to our household. We now worry about her all the time, cater to her health all the time, have too much put aside our own needs, but we're grateful to have her still living and with us and it's added a new dimension to our lives.