LanaJo, stay with your plan. Your mother will manipulate you with guilt but get your own place. You can continue to do what you planned to do which is a lot. If they need more help then it's likely time for assisted living or, considering your mom's dialysis, a nursing home. There are basic needs that you have that aren't being met. For you to stay sane and healthy, you'll need to set boundaries and move forward. Take care. Carol
Thank you for this article. I'm in a situation similar to what you describe. When I started living with my parents two and-a-half years ago I thought I'd immediately get a travel trailer I could put on the property, which would give me some personal space. That didn't work out, so I started looking into the possibility of building a tiny house on a trailer. That didn't work out either, so for two and-a-half years I've been sleeping on a bed in my parents' living room, with virtually no privacy or personal space of my own. Several months ago I started telling them I'd soon be moving to an apartment, but I suppose people hear what they want to hear, because when I called some prospective landlords recently to inquire about rentals my mother said to me, "You've been here three years and now that I'm too sick to take care of myself, you want to move out. Now I know what kind of person you are." My mother has ESRD and she walks with a three-wheeler, but she is not helpless. Dad is disabled, but he's not helpless either. I work four ten-hour days, so those are four days of seven when I'm unavailable except in case of emergency, and then I couldn't do much to help, because I my commute is twenty-five miles one way. I told my mother I'd continue to take her to dialysis on Tuesdays, and I'd continue to clean her house. Instead of appreciating the sacrifices I've made over the last several years, she only wants to be bitter. My mother may pass away some time during the next six months, or she may go on another sixteen or twenty-six years (she's seventy-six.) I raised two sons as a single parent. They're on their own. I don't mind assisting my parents with tasks they're truly unable to do, but I sometimes feel like my mother takes advantage of me by not doing things she's perfectly capable of doing. The same goes for my father on occasion. I only want those things they take for granted: autonomy, privacy, control over my environment, a refrigerator which contains the types of foods I eat, etc. I have two surviving brothers and even though they're both single, neither one lives nearby. Well, I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow, and I'm sure my parents will be bitter for a while, but I'm also sure they'll get over it. My parents have Medicare and Tricare for Life, and in-home personal care isn't covered. I called the state about their waiver program, and the rep told me there are people on the waiting list who have been there since 2009. These are tough times, because I know I'll feel guilty if something devastating happens, but if I don't move out of here the stress will kill me anyway, and then the situation would be the same.
Pfontes16!... If only all families could have this love and respect! You have a wonderful husband and marriage! Thank you for sharing this beautiful positive story!
cmagnum - My husband is a Native American - their culture values and honors elders. When Mom passed away, I asked hubby if he had a problem with me asking Pop to come live with us. Hubby said "I don't know why you have to ask - of course he is to come live with us."
20 years ago, when his own father was nearing the end of his life, my husband took a 1 year leave of absence from work and moved in with his father until the end. My wanting Pop to move in with us was natural to him.
Hubby spends time with and special attention to my father. Hubby made the renovations to the house (installed handrails by the toilets, special showerhead in the shower, the wall-to-wall carpeting in Pop's room, etc.). He helped load & drove the UHaul truck loaded with Pop's belongings from TN to Maine. He also finds ways Pop can "help" and advise him with some of the man-chores around the house: landscaping, stacking wood for the fireplace, making runs to the dump,,,,etc. He keeps Pop informed of and tuned into ball games and movies/shows that interest Pop. Hubby always finds a way to try to make sure Pop feels useful and included.
It's not a "mine & yours" situation - it's family.
Mom passed 6 months ago - Dad moved in with hubby & me 4 months ago. I don't regret the decision at all. I am providing for him what he provided for me when I "moved in" with him & Mom at birth. I've lived at least 400 miles away from my parents for nearly 40 years. I've missed a lot of conversations with my father - everything from every day events & weather to family history to spirituality. I am fortunate to be able to have these conversations with him now, before he goes on to the next adventure (he's 90). I do everything I can to make sure he is comfortable, secure, supported and loved. Mi familia. Wouldn't want it any other way.
It seems that she contributes quite a lot. Perhaps you could re-set some ground rules? I wouldn't end the relationship unless you really need to since there is so much positive about it. Keep us updated, though. We'd like to hear how you get through this. Carol
You've put yourselves in a very tough spot, MarcJackie. At this point it's her home too at least the in-law suite is. You invited her and if you ask her to leave do you think she'd feel dejected or crushed?
It's somewhat of a relief to discover that there are others who feel the same way that we do. Thank you for having the courage to write about the "elephant in the room." My husband and I purchased a larger home two years ago so that my mother could move in with us. She has her own suite but shares common areas (kitchen, laundry, and frequently our living room). She still drives a bit and is fairly healthy, but we have had to address her problems with alcohol. In spite of that, she is kind, sweet, funny, buys the groceries, does our laundry, and loves us unconditionally. And - she's driving us crazy!! This compounds our guilt at regretting our decision to cohabitate. Should we still consider alternate arrangements? Or just suck it up?
I don't regret the decision but I struggle a lot. My mom was a child of the depression and I hate clutter. When I try to clean out I remember the treasures that I'll not ever let go of. The first Mother's Day gift from my son.
You're not rambling. Sounded like some needed venting to me. Keep plugging on so that you can move forward with your own life.
One major problem that i see with moving back home with one's parents is the physical return to a dependent position like one was in as a child. If there's already a bad history, that gets forgotten in the FOG, then that will only escalate things to become worse instead of better because they will be inclined to view you as a child once again which they may never of have stopped doing anyhow.
Yes, I do. The relationship between me and parents was always troublesome. Unfortunately, in my haste to find a place to live that part of our relationship was forgotten. From my perspective, moving in with parents is a huge decision. The caregiver gives up privacy, has to adjust their life and assumes a huge amount of responsibility. There were no discussions about expectations of each party and soon bad feelings set in. It's tough to look at the situation in positive light. Having overheard or witnessed comments about me living here, I know it was not the best decision. One parent suffered a stroke several years ago and the other. Parents get frustrated and caregiver gets frustrated. If each party exercises some flexibility it's easier to deal with. Anyway, I'm going to keep plugging with my business so I can afford to leave. Sorry if I'm rambling on.
She has a shower bench and handheld shower head, but has a hard time stepping over the tub. She has dementia, back hurts all the time. She's on Norco 4X's a day. She doesn't want to leave the AL to do anything. And I have a bad back, so it would be so stressful for both of us. She's 92 yrs. old.
In the end it's what you are the most comfortable with - or uncomfortable with as the case may be. You'll either have to put your foot down and say that you need can't go back to having him live with you or you'll have to take it on. You are between a rock and a hard place, as they say. The choice, in the end, is which is "harder." Take care, Carol
My FIL moved in with us just over a year ago with his brother. His brother just stayed about 3 weeks and moved into a nursing home via his request and passed a few months later unfortunately. My husband doesn't like talking about his Dad going into a facility. Initially it was to be temporary and we were going to have the two brothers rent a house near us (as we moved them from another state). I do regret having the situation, losing our space and privacy. I feel like we are trapped by him, and miss out so much as a family with our little girl. Our finances are starting to get strained as well as my job was cut down to part time and my husband is fulltime caregiver to his dad. He was nearly bed ridden awhile this year, but doing better now after a few hospital and rehab stays. I enjoyed the privacy and semi normalcy when he was in rehab, except that my husband felt his dad had to be visited on a daily basis. I did tell my husband it would be okay for his dad to come here, but what do you do in that situation.
I had my mother for 3 yrs. and regretted after 6 months. After 3 years of her dementia getting worse and I had no life to talk about, my brother's and I decided to move her into an AL. I had a break down. Now I visit 2x a week, was 3x's, but that's all I can handle her. One brother had her for 5 yrs. but her dementia wasn't bad yet. My other brother absolutely will not take her. He's 3 hrs away and visits maybe 4x's a year. My other brother maybe 6x's a yrs, he's 1 hr. away. I'm 5 minutes from her. She thinks I live far away. But I want your opinion on what my SIL told me to do. Since the AL only has a tub/shower and she is afraid to get in, so my SIL thinks I should bring her to my house and shower her once a week. I don't think I should change my bathroom to accommodate her. It's way to hard to stand between the toilet and shower and get soaking wet. So I wash her hair in the sink and she sponges off in the sink. At least she tells me she does. She doesn't smell. She doesn't change her clothes to often. So what do you think?
Yes, please feel free to write out your feelings. Just getting it out can help a lot. We can't fix anything for anybody, but we can offer sympathy and understanding as well as a place for you to tell others how you feel.
Take care of yourself by at least doing that one thing. Carol
I've often read over the comments others have written here. But I never had the guts to vent. I guess I'm afraid of being judged. I feel so alone! I can't share how I feel with my family memebers and friends. They love me and try to give me advices which end up making me regret opening up to them in the first place.
This morning, I was basically told by my mom that I'm a selfish person. I couldn't find any words to say to her~ I didn't want to say anything I'll regret later. Mostly, I couldn't say a thing because I was too angry; My dad died at the age of 50 in 1998. My mom moved in with us after much struggle. My husband and I had divorced once and remarried less than a year later. He was reluctant to have my mom in our life. He said that her influence is toxic. I thought he was being cruel at the time. He's right, of course.
We've been married for over 20 years and have two daughters. My family is amazing and I think I'm amazing most of the times. But, taking care of my mom puts strain on my sanity. Like this morning. I got up at 6 a.m. to drink my coffee and read a bit before the day begins. Mom came down to tell me about all the things that need to be done for her. After holding my tongue for 30 minutes, I told her that I got things to do. I needed to make breakfast and then lunch for us to eat when we return from church. After she told me that I was selfish, I had a good cry. I managed to get everything done before leaving the house. However, I don't think I got much out of the church service today. I wanted to text her, "Have a nice day." But I also wanted to lash out: Where were you when I needed you?
When I was little, I had to take care of my mom a lot. She was often depressed and drank heavily. She never learned to speak English, so I did things that a parent would normally do for a child. I couldn't even go to the college of my choice because she cried, wouldn't eat, threw herself in front of my car once to prevent me from leaving. Luckily, I met a wonderful man in college and married as soon as I graduated. We moved far away from home, but my dad died soon after.
I refrain from complaining to my little sister whom I adore. She's significantly younger than I am, so she thinks she'd be an orphan if anything would happen to mom. She's engaged now and looks for a home. If I didn't love her so much, I'd love to push mom into her care. But I don't think I'd wish this on anyone. It's so hard. This summer, I took her to doctor's office 14 times and there are 4 more before the girls start school in September. Whatever the conversation she has with me is about her only. My husband is over 50 and I'm over 40. We've started having little health issues here and there. It's incredulous that she doesn't see how careful we are around our daughters so that they're not worried about us. But my mom? It's as if she likes getting all the attentions everytime something else in wrong with the test results. My husband is worried about the financial part as well as emotional drain on his wife.
I've read 1golflady's comments. Someone who doesn't understand our situation will have harsh things to say about those comments. There aren't many listening ears for people like us. They'll say that we're all getting old and we'll all need help someday. Hmm... I'd rather jump off a cliff than ask my kids to take care of me. It's an unchristian thing to think. Mostly, people tell me how lucky I am to live with my mom. They rarely see their parents. They also tell me that it must be nice to have a mom who can help with cooking, cleaning, and babysitting. My kids are 12. My mom has never driven them anywhere nor watched them for more than an hour. As for the other things, my family expects me to do them instead of their aging grandma. Did I already mention that they're wonderful?
Others have written that their parents are very old. My biggest problem is that my mom is quite young. There are things she wants to do and treats me like I'm a mean mom. I often tell her that I wish I were her mom so that I can ground her sometimes. No matter how I think of her parenting, I know she loves me very much and is sorry for her mistakes. But she's got narcissistic personality. I have easier time making my kids understand when I say "no" or "not at this time."
Wow! After years of reading the comments on your thread, I still can't believe I'm actually writing. Sometimes, I imagine telling mom to leave this house and that I only want to see her few times a year. I smile at my daydream and go about my business. I'm a fake because I do all these things reluctantly and get praises for being a good daughter. Sigh~ This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. I need to take good care of myself- my health and my finance so that I'll never be a burden to my daughters. I have no right to tell anyone how to live their life. But I know that love isn't enough sometimes to take on such a huge responsibility.
Well, I am glad to find all these comments. I feel less alone. However, what I don't see is any talk about when you move them to assisted living, what happens when the money runs out? I started caring for my parents intermittently 28 years ago. As a nurse, I felt the need to fly across country when my Dad had aortic aneurysm surgery. My Mom had a stroke at 50 (about 3 years before my Dad's surgery) and which resulted in seizures. We got thru that, I had an 18mo old with me at the time. Then, my Dad had lung cancer. We got thru that, he beat it and lived another 6 years. Then he died, I moved Mom to my coast. This took a few months and a few hospitalizations and a letter telling her not to call me the next time she was in the hospital, because I would no longer fly West to East. So, now have been helping her for 7 years. And she is losing her memory. When she gets ill, it gets worse. I was smart and found her an independent retirement adult apt community and have filled in here and there with home care. It has been very tough at times. I tried to keep it to once or twice a week. However, I am now looking at assisted living. HOLY S**T, is it expensive. Her main problem is her inability to think. That and she can't hear me on the phone. For example, I called her and no answer. I call another resident and tell them to make sure she has A/C on. Then I was in the area anyways so decided to stop and check as we are having a major heat wave. Get there and find out the fan only portion is on with no cold air blowing. Last week she had a cold and was making no sense when she talked. This week the cold has become bronchitis so I was over there doing a neb treatment. She is ONLY 82! I calculate if I put her in assisted living she has about 3-5 years of money to cover it. So, then I think, maybe bring her inot my house and save up the money for the nursing home. I did not move her right in because we never got along but now with her memory going and I got her on antidepressants with a psychiatrist she is easier to be around. oh, yeah, have 2 brothers who help a bit but mostly don't hinder..
Isaboo, at least your Mom has the excuse of years alone. My Dad was only alone for a few months, so I have to conclude that Mom tolerated/ignored a lot more in the later years than she did when raising us kids. He still claims not to understand why we made such a fuss over him spitting half-chewed food onto his plate during supper!
Another thing I didn't expect is that Dad doesn't seem to accept that he moved in with *us*, not just *me*. He laments that my brother is alone and shows no interest in finding a mate, while at the same time trying to be a wedge between me and my partner. Seemed stunned when I told him that if he was trying to force me to choose, he'd better start packing. Things have cooled down, but there's been no apology, so resentment simmers.
I expect Dad to act surprised when I tell him I've found two assisted living places for him to consider--yes Dad, I really meant what I said about needing to find another place for you to live. Both close enough that I can see him regularly, and maybe get back to enjoying his company.
I don't put up with it. I do challenge and I am being told all the time that I shouldn't BUT I have to maintain my sanity too. I don't care that professionals tell me she doesn't know or understand.... there are days when she definitely DOES know and DOES understand and those are the days I challenge. Pick your battles and don't let people tell you that you cannot train people with dementia ... you can't get them to remember but they do seem to be aware that things need to be done.... in the early to moderate stages. Mum's coming towards the end of her moderate stage now and is less compliant but let me give you an example
Mum used to throw her toilet tissue into a bin...it drove me nuts and I told her time after time after time not to do it. Pointless.... she couldn't remember but then I got some white toilet tissue instead of her preferred pink and told her she had to put the white toilet tissue in the white bin (AKA the commode) and the pink tissues could go in the waste bin. Every day every time I would remind her and now we don't have pink tissue at all any more and she uses the commode properly except for bad days when she will try and empty it into the washing up bowl ....but the toilet tissue problem is solved!!!! Like I said pick your battles
I love my mom, but she lived on her own for decades after becoming a widow and is very set in her ways. She is also not used to living with others, so there are some problems regarding courtesies, such as not closing doors quietly when someone else in the house might be sleeping. It's little things like this that people are not aware of and don't consider before making this big decision. She gets upset when anyone tries to tell her what to do or how to do it, so usually I don't and just put up with it.
bees46, your mother sounds like she is suffering from depression. Not getting dressed, not bothering with friends, etc. Get her to the doctor and go in with her and tell the doctor what is going on. A mild anti depressant can make a world of difference.
Bees you need to have a harsh conversation with her and dont think it will be a one off it wont be!
Im not sure how long shes been there but there is always an adjust period and it gets longer as we get older so that's my first comment.
My second is to not encourage her but tell her she is to reintroduce her old life back into her new one. We have an expression in the house use it or lose it. If she doesn't use the abilities she has she will lose that ability - it really is as simple as that. She is your mother so for once take a deep breath and tell her how it is going to be. no ifs ands or buts. Youexpect her to shower every morning and if she doesnt want to wear outdoor clothes then a lounge pants and top (I dont know what you call them in the US) is OK but you are not having her wearing her pjs day and night. It's not healthy and it sets a bad example to the children. (Children can be such a useful tool in this setting)
Dont let her just sit there while you do it all. hand her the knife and the potatoes and say peel those for me mum please while I do x y or z. or I'll wash the dishes you wipe. Or could you load the dishwasher for me please? If she refuses then that is the time to have the next xonversation. I am your daughter and I love you but my name is not Cinderella.... you are perfectly capable of doing a b or c and I need you to do it. If you stop doing everyting soon you wont be able to do anything. You can get perch stools so she can sit at the sink and wash up or at the table and cut veg or even take them out of a bag and put them in a saucepan. Get her a walker trolley so she can take things from one room to another and when she asks the kids to do something she can do tell them no and then go and have another conversation with her.
You cant let her overtake your household or you will go loopy. Have a look on the interent for things that will help her do things for herself them make her do them. It is your house when all is said and done.... this from a woman who finds it a nightmare and very often falls into the trap of skivvying but I am getting better at telling her to do things for herself and the onyl time Iallow my mumto stay in pjs all day is if she also stays in bed all day because she is poorly
I regret it every second! Like a recent poster said, I wish I'd read this before my mother moved in. She really wasn't supposed to be moving in for me to care for her. She seemed to be functioning just fine in her house, I thought she would be ok here with me and my family. I still have fairly young children. While I did not expect her to care for them, I did expect her to continue to look after herself. WRONG! She instantly began sitting at my kitchen table, waiting for me to feed her and just staring at me. She constantly asks where I'm going and where I've been. She lost all interest in seeing anyone but me and my husband and kids. She used to meet her best friend for lunch every 2 weeks, but quit within weeks of moving in here.
She can't even bother to get dressed, which I find horribly depressing.
I understand she can't do some things, and I'm completely fine with doing her laundry and carrying things she can't carry with her walker. But she won't even do the things she can do. Every time one of the kids walks past, she asks them to do something she is capable of doing herself. My kids are wonderful, they never say no. But it's bad for her to not move. She is already less steady on her feet than she was when she moved in because she just sits all day, growing weaker.
I feel so stupid because I never promised her I'd care for her. In fact, when I was young she even SAID "If I get old and beg you to move in, don't listen. Send me to a home." I so, so, wish I'd listened to her younger self instead of her current self. I am not cut out for this multi-generational living. How did I ever think it would be ok? It's horrible.
Regret it with every breath I take. My mother has spent 3 out of the last 6 months in her jammies just looking for sympathy. I have none left for her.There has probably not been 1 single conversation since she moved in where she hasn't turned it into a discussion about her. even though she lives in my house she has NO IDEA about my life nor does she care. I live for the day she gets the call that her apartment is ready ( shes on a waiting list UGH ). I finally had enough guts to tell her it wasn't working out with her living with us and pray for the day I have my life back. it wont be soon enough, I still haven't even got to experience empty nest syndrome ( still one child living at home with us ) or be a grandma. because this experience has changed me for the rest of my life, sometimes I wonder If I will ever truly be happy again. It has left its scars, and they are deep....I should have NEVER moved the selfish narcissist in with me. If I would have known it was going to turn into a fight for my sanity and health, I would have let her live under a bridge. sounds harsh, but I have made my peace with god. Nobody should live like this. I Love my mother ( ???? ), but I don't like her at all. And I RESENT caring for somebody who does NOT and NEVER has cared for me or anybody but herself.
You're human. We dive into caregiving without knowing how much and how long - just about anything except that we want to help. Then reality hits. Please keep us updated on how you're doing - we can't change things but we can "listen." Carol
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Living with Elderly Parents: Do You Regret the Decision?
Carol
20 years ago, when his own father was nearing the end of his life, my husband took a 1 year leave of absence from work and moved in with his father until the end. My wanting Pop to move in with us was natural to him.
Hubby spends time with and special attention to my father. Hubby made the renovations to the house (installed handrails by the toilets, special showerhead in the shower, the wall-to-wall carpeting in Pop's room, etc.). He helped load & drove the UHaul truck loaded with Pop's belongings from TN to Maine. He also finds ways Pop can "help" and advise him with some of the man-chores around the house: landscaping, stacking wood for the fireplace, making runs to the dump,,,,etc. He keeps Pop informed of and tuned into ball games and movies/shows that interest Pop. Hubby always finds a way to try to make sure Pop feels useful and included.
It's not a "mine & yours" situation - it's family.
Carol
You're not rambling. Sounded like some needed venting to me. Keep plugging on so that you can move forward with your own life.
One major problem that i see with moving back home with one's parents is the physical return to a dependent position like one was in as a child. If there's already a bad history, that gets forgotten in the FOG, then that will only escalate things to become worse instead of better because they will be inclined to view you as a child once again which they may never of have stopped doing anyhow.
Anyway, I'm going to keep plugging with my business so I can afford to leave.
Sorry if I'm rambling on.
Take care,
Carol
Take care of yourself by at least doing that one thing.
Carol
Feel free to vent here all you want. This is a safe place to do that. I don't believe anyone will judge you.
I wouldn't, though, open up a whole lot with other family members or friends for that might backfire or overload some to the point of loosing them.
Take care and keep coming back and sharing. We are here and we care.
This morning, I was basically told by my mom that I'm a selfish person. I couldn't find any words to say to her~ I didn't want to say anything I'll regret later. Mostly, I couldn't say a thing because I was too angry; My dad died at the age of 50 in 1998. My mom moved in with us after much struggle. My husband and I had divorced once and remarried less than a year later. He was reluctant to have my mom in our life. He said that her influence is toxic. I thought he was being cruel at the time. He's right, of course.
We've been married for over 20 years and have two daughters. My family is amazing and I think I'm amazing most of the times. But, taking care of my mom puts strain on my sanity. Like this morning. I got up at 6 a.m. to drink my coffee and read a bit before the day begins. Mom came down to tell me about all the things that need to be done for her. After holding my tongue for 30 minutes, I told her that I got things to do. I needed to make breakfast and then lunch for us to eat when we return from church. After she told me that I was selfish, I had a good cry. I managed to get everything done before leaving the house. However, I don't think I got much out of the church service today. I wanted to text her, "Have a nice day." But I also wanted to lash out: Where were you when I needed you?
When I was little, I had to take care of my mom a lot. She was often depressed and drank heavily. She never learned to speak English, so I did things that a parent would normally do for a child. I couldn't even go to the college of my choice because she cried, wouldn't eat, threw herself in front of my car once to prevent me from leaving. Luckily, I met a wonderful man in college and married as soon as I graduated. We moved far away from home, but my dad died soon after.
I refrain from complaining to my little sister whom I adore. She's significantly younger than I am, so she thinks she'd be an orphan if anything would happen to mom. She's engaged now and looks for a home. If I didn't love her so much, I'd love to push mom into her care. But I don't think I'd wish this on anyone. It's so hard. This summer, I took her to doctor's office 14 times and there are 4 more before the girls start school in September. Whatever the conversation she has with me is about her only. My husband is over 50 and I'm over 40. We've started having little health issues here and there. It's incredulous that she doesn't see how careful we are around our daughters so that they're not worried about us. But my mom? It's as if she likes getting all the attentions everytime something else in wrong with the test results. My husband is worried about the financial part as well as emotional drain on his wife.
I've read 1golflady's comments. Someone who doesn't understand our situation will have harsh things to say about those comments. There aren't many listening ears for people like us. They'll say that we're all getting old and we'll all need help someday. Hmm... I'd rather jump off a cliff than ask my kids to take care of me. It's an unchristian thing to think. Mostly, people tell me how lucky I am to live with my mom. They rarely see their parents. They also tell me that it must be nice to have a mom who can help with cooking, cleaning, and babysitting. My kids are 12. My mom has never driven them anywhere nor watched them for more than an hour. As for the other things, my family expects me to do them instead of their aging grandma. Did I already mention that they're wonderful?
Others have written that their parents are very old. My biggest problem is that my mom is quite young. There are things she wants to do and treats me like I'm a mean mom. I often tell her that I wish I were her mom so that I can ground her sometimes. No matter how I think of her parenting, I know she loves me very much and is sorry for her mistakes. But she's got narcissistic personality. I have easier time making my kids understand when I say "no" or "not at this time."
Wow! After years of reading the comments on your thread, I still can't believe I'm actually writing. Sometimes, I imagine telling mom to leave this house and that I only want to see her few times a year. I smile at my daydream and go about my business. I'm a fake because I do all these things reluctantly and get praises for being a good daughter. Sigh~ This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. I need to take good care of myself- my health and my finance so that I'll never be a burden to my daughters. I have no right to tell anyone how to live their life. But I know that love isn't enough sometimes to take on such a huge responsibility.
Last week she had a cold and was making no sense when she talked. This week the cold has become bronchitis so I was over there doing a neb treatment. She is ONLY 82! I calculate if I put her in assisted living she has about 3-5 years of money to cover it. So, then I think, maybe bring her inot my house and save up the money for the nursing home. I did not move her right in because we never got along but now with her memory going and I got her on antidepressants with a psychiatrist she is easier to be around. oh, yeah, have 2 brothers who help a bit but mostly don't hinder..
Another thing I didn't expect is that Dad doesn't seem to accept that he moved in with *us*, not just *me*. He laments that my brother is alone and shows no interest in finding a mate, while at the same time trying to be a wedge between me and my partner. Seemed stunned when I told him that if he was trying to force me to choose, he'd better start packing. Things have cooled down, but there's been no apology, so resentment simmers.
I expect Dad to act surprised when I tell him I've found two assisted living places for him to consider--yes Dad, I really meant what I said about needing to find another place for you to live. Both close enough that I can see him regularly, and maybe get back to enjoying his company.
Mum used to throw her toilet tissue into a bin...it drove me nuts and I told her time after time after time not to do it. Pointless.... she couldn't remember but then I got some white toilet tissue instead of her preferred pink and told her she had to put the white toilet tissue in the white bin (AKA the commode) and the pink tissues could go in the waste bin. Every day every time I would remind her and now we don't have pink tissue at all any more and she uses the commode properly except for bad days when she will try and empty it into the washing up bowl ....but the toilet tissue problem is solved!!!! Like I said pick your battles
Im not sure how long shes been there but there is always an adjust period and it gets longer as we get older so that's my first comment.
My second is to not encourage her but tell her she is to reintroduce her old life back into her new one. We have an expression in the house use it or lose it. If she doesn't use the abilities she has she will lose that ability - it really is as simple as that. She is your mother so for once take a deep breath and tell her how it is going to be. no ifs ands or buts. Youexpect her to shower every morning and if she doesnt want to wear outdoor clothes then a lounge pants and top (I dont know what you call them in the US) is OK but you are not having her wearing her pjs day and night. It's not healthy and it sets a bad example to the children. (Children can be such a useful tool in this setting)
Dont let her just sit there while you do it all. hand her the knife and the potatoes and say peel those for me mum please while I do x y or z. or I'll wash the dishes you wipe. Or could you load the dishwasher for me please? If she refuses then that is the time to have the next xonversation. I am your daughter and I love you but my name is not Cinderella.... you are perfectly capable of doing a b or c and I need you to do it. If you stop doing everyting soon you wont be able to do anything. You can get perch stools so she can sit at the sink and wash up
or at the table and cut veg or even take them out of a bag and put them in a saucepan. Get her a walker trolley so she can take things from one room to another and when she asks the kids to do something she can do tell them no and then go and have another conversation with her.
You cant let her overtake your household or you will go loopy. Have a look on the interent for things that will help her do things for herself them make her do them. It is your house when all is said and done.... this from a woman who finds it a nightmare and very often falls into the trap of skivvying but I am getting better at telling her to do things for herself and the onyl time Iallow my mumto stay in pjs all day is if she also stays in bed all day because she is poorly
She can't even bother to get dressed, which I find horribly depressing.
I understand she can't do some things, and I'm completely fine with doing her laundry and carrying things she can't carry with her walker. But she won't even do the things she can do. Every time one of the kids walks past, she asks them to do something she is capable of doing herself. My kids are wonderful, they never say no. But it's bad for her to not move. She is already less steady on her feet than she was when she moved in because she just sits all day, growing weaker.
I feel so stupid because I never promised her I'd care for her. In fact, when I was young she even SAID "If I get old and beg you to move in, don't listen. Send me to a home." I so, so, wish I'd listened to her younger self instead of her current self. I am not cut out for this multi-generational living. How did I ever think it would be ok? It's horrible.
Carol