eliz928502 - I know how you feel.... My dad died 10 years ago and my mother went into a depressive cycle "Might as well put my head in the oven and gas myself" was a common comment when I visited. She was looking for a new home (My dad died in the house and it had sad memories) but the places she was looking for were have made her worse 'jumping out of the frying pan into the fire'! As an only child I felt I had to do something, she is my mum after all.. however she can be a bit cranky and judgemental...I always joked with my wife that if I ever suggested that she live with us to smack me in the face.....!
Anyway we saw somewhere local (about 1 mile away) from where we lived that was almost perfect. It was a 4 bed detached house with a 2 bed annex. We didn’t have to move as we lived in a lovely house as it was, in fact we went down as the bedroom were tiny compared to our old house. We have now been living there for 8 years and it started great, we would eat together, sometimes she would cook other times us... but recently she has given up cooking and she tends to eat microwave ready meals and is negative about everything... she is 84. We live in the UK and love Florida and we tend to go there every year/other year and 7 years ago we went as an extended family for my 40th but ever since then she expects to come with us... she goes on her own holidays with her sisters and is away most weekends but when we look at going abroad she wants to join us and she has done for the past 7 years... This year we asked her (never live it down if we didn’t) and she said no as we were looking at going for more than 2 weeks. Now she keeps saying we never asked and gives us the guilt trip "why don’t you want me to come" the reality is, although I love her I don’t want to end up caring for her on my family holiday..! again!
She has also got this fear of being alone, its only really come on in the past few months and expects us to be her social life. My wife and kids have our own life but if she hasn’t got anything planned she expects us to entertain her. She’s quite happy to go off without caring about us but if she’s home she makes us feel guilty if we don’t include her on trips, or even just going out for meals...don’t get me wrong we do... just not all the time and when we don’t it’s a trip down 'guilt avenue!' she is also a bit nasty to my daughter (who has mental health issues) because she’s so negative all the time (there is no joy anymore) when my daughter goes in to see her/show her something the conversation always starts with "Oh, you remembered where I live then... you might have to come in more often or i might not leave you anything in my will!" and because of that attitude she goes in less....
Sorry for this but its turned out to be an essay and not a comment!
Now we are thinking, did we do the right thing?? if we could look back we probably wouldn’t have done it. If things got bad, we would have talked with my aunties about care etc.... at the moment we feel trapped and not being allowed to do anything for ourselves. We can’t go out without her saying 'oh, you going leaving me all on my own...?' this isn’t now and then it’s all the time. My wife and I have dreamed of moving to the coast or travelling with the kids... she won’t move and she won’t want to be on her own... so we have this horrible dilemma that we can’t do anything until she's gone.... and that’s not a nice thought. So looking back... yes I regret the decision...

We gladly brought my MIL to live w us after she nearly died the night her husband suddenly passed away. She destroyed her relationship w her daughter that lived w her at the time. They've never spoken since that night. My husband was happy to fulfill his promise and have her live w us. Since she's moved in her dog has destroyed my house, furnistire, shoes, laundry, bedding, etc by peeing on everything. We made her buy diapers for him but she still neglects him. She only offers a small amount for housing. We have a very very tight budget. They are both alcoholics and it's made it worse for my husband to manage. She has heart failure and shouldn't even be drinking which makes it worse for my husband to witness. It's slowly become toxic. She mumbles, moans, curses, whistles, hums, all damn day long. Every second! It's maddening. My kids get scared of her bc she makes such dark evil signs. She is hard of hearing so our house which used to always be quiet until HW was done is not blasting Dr. Phil which I would never let me kids watch or listen to. My husband gets into rages when he hits his limit w her and her dog. It's toxic. Before she loses her last child she has got to go!

If you want children of your own and he doesn't want any more. You already know what you should do. I would go see a marriage counselor for clarification of both your feelings.

My mother in law moved in with us two years ago. I have two middle school aged children and we live in a pretty small house. We really need her income as my husband was laid off and had to take a job for less money. She is neither a particularly happy nor unhappy person - she tends toward the negative however. She's almost 90 years old and most people thinks she's a cute old lady. She just sits in a chair in the corner of my living room from the moment she wakes til she goes to bed. We have no privacy, so we all tend to stay in our bedrooms. She won't spend time in her bedroom as she believes it's for sleeping only. I'm not handling it well. I've gained about 25 pounds and am pretty depressed. My children fight all the time and don't like her. She's not loving or friendly. We can't take any vacations without dragging her along as she can't be left alone. I wish I had never said yes to this.

Oh man Fedup... I can see why... you need to do something before too much of your youth is gone... He's treading dangerous water...

Sooooooo sick of my MIL. We have nothing in common, she is 81 and I am 33. I should be enjoying this time in my life and my marriage but no, she is living with us even though from day 1 I didnt want it. She drives me nuts. She is completely oblivious that I need my privacy. Feel like i sacrifice everything in my marriage.....i have to except his mom and his step son and the ex baggage that came with that. I sacrifice everything and get nothing in return, he doesn't even want to have another kid

My 81 year old MIL lives with us and I can not stand it! I am only 33 years old and we have absolutely nothing in common. I never wanted her to move in to begin with but my husband assured me we would have completely separate living quarters and we do but she spend half her time up with us. I get sick of seeing her. She isnt terribly mean or selfish, I just dont want her here. I want my privacy and not her! Not only that I also have to deal with my husband having been married before and having a stepson and all the baggage that came from that. I brought nothing but a good job, education and money into the marriage and have got nothing but crap from him. I am absolutely fed up of having to make all the sacrifices. Now he has used her money and finances are mixed and i dont see any end. I dont know how much more i can take. I love my husband but i dont love all this. And he doesnt even want another kid....because he already has one......so tired

Can I just say thank you to everyone and their honesty. Reading these posts makes me feel much less alone. When my mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive terminal cancer amidst our grief and shock we of course(without researching or soul searching) assured her we would take my father into our home after her passing. Theirs was an old fashioned relationship where she did all household chores and he didn't know how to take care of himself. He was devastated by the loss of his best friend of 60 years and couldn't deal with living on his own. Financially that turned out to not be an option as well. My siblings live 1000 miles away, and all have young children at home, so I am dealing with this mostly on my own. I never imagined the frustration and yes I am embarrassed to say resentment, and the guilt I feel because of it that I would feel after 3 1/2 years of his living with my husband and myself. I'm thankful after reading many posts, that we are empty nesters (or were) so that I am only caring for my father at this time and not children as well. His health is fairly good, and he is still mobile, so I do have much to be thankful for, but this certainly isn't the way I saw my life playing out. Wow. Sounds like whining, even to me. But thank you for listening, I have no one else to say these words to.

I was starting to think I was alone. My problems started when mom died last year suddenly. Mom did everything for dad. He doesn't know how to cook, clean, or do laundry. He makes no effort to try to learn. He has no friends, and goes no where. He does have medical conditions. The big ones being CHF, hip, knee, and back issues to where his mobility has been. I moved in. My husband changed jobs, packed our things up, and joined us 3 months later. Dad lives in a small trailer that isn't meant for 3 people, and 2 cats. It's also cluttered as he never wanted to throw out anything. Both my husband and I started to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and it was taking a toll on our marriage. I cancelled all my doctors appointments, and quit taking my meds. Afterall, that's what usually happens to a caregiver. You no longer have a life. I had no support from family. Everyone has the attitude of out of sight...out of mind including his sister, and my sister. My husband is too busy working. I quickly regreted trying to do the right thing, and I felt guilty over it. Things got bad enough we started to look for a house in hopes it would give us more room and make things better. We bought the house the end of June. He helped with the downpayment as the things he wanted was not in our budget. I never wanted to take the money as I had a bad feeling. Yet, I did it to try to help him. I didn't know what else to do. He wanted a garage, basement, a larger home, and master bath that had a tub/shower easier to get in and out. We found all of that for him. Even a smaller yard so we can maintain it easier. Then came the move. Dad disappeared to my sisters. She never came down. I had to clean out his cluttered dirty trailer. I threw out over 30 bags of garbage, donated over 25 boxes to Goodwill and the Salvation Army, and transported over 15 boxes to this house. I had no help whatsoever. There is stuff still over there. I had to get this house set up to some extent. He and my sister expected us to do it all. My marriage has become damaged, my health has suffered, and mentally I'm exhausted. We even had bought a car a year earlier to transport him easier for appointments and such. He doesn't ride in it. Only his full size Tundra. I will not drive it. Dad finally came back last Sunday. Things were okay the first couple of days until it was the usual. I was nothing more than his slave and hired help. He watches tv 14 hours a day. He does nothing. No friends. No social activities. I think both my husband and I have shut down mentally. I am on the cusp of filing for a divorce. I can't get him, my husband, to do anything around here. I've been alone during all of this. Now to be told by my father that I was over reacting about the divorce. He doesn't know everything that is going on. He is the main reason though. He automatically blamed me. I blew up, he blew up, and a lot of things were said. Last night he took some of his stuff, his cat, and moved backed into the almost empty trailer. I was told he couldn't put up with me anymore, and he was going to my sister's. Mind you, she is the angelic one. Can do no wrong and is perfect. Yet is never there for him. Wasn't there for mom either. The bigger house didn't help as it was the same problem. We are now packing his things up and letting him do whatever he wants. I'm to the point the only way I can get along with he or my sister is to have little to no contact. I will pay the money back from the downpayment. I also will end up selling the house. My husband and I don't need nor want a house this big. All for nothing. Trying to do the right thing. I still feel guilty that this is how it turned out. I feel guilty wish he had died, and not mom. I feel like I should take care of him. It's my obligation. I also don't want to lose my mind, my health, and my marriage over it either when he only sees me as his slave. I sit here and worry about him. But I don't know what else to do. I'm at the end of myself. I just at a lost of what to do and feel anymore.

Thanks for the advice. I will try looking into the resource of other housing. It has crossed my husband's and my mind though we wouldn't know how we'd help fund it. Hopefully there is an option we can find that could meet our need.

It's very very very hard. But I was not raised by her so it has given me the opportunity to know her and take care of my mom. She's my life no matter what. Progressive dementia has robbed her. I will never abandon her even though I have lupus and RA ITs very very hard in every way you can imagine

Your story is an example of many except that your mother sounds capable of living somewhere else except for her finances. I'd check into subsidized housing for her. There is usually a waiting list, but it is an option.

You can't let her ruin your health and upset your family to this degree or problems will compound. It's so sad that she is taking something that you said when you were seven years old as a promise! You are not bound to that, so please don't let guilt to enter into this picture.

Keep searching for answers. Try the site aging.gov and click on "state resources." You may find some help there.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

Whatever happens you must remember to take care of your health because it will benefit no one of you become sick as well. I know it's hard but you have to try.

Shortly after I wrote this and vented about our situation, my sisters and I had a(nother) family meeting to regroup about options for Mom. It became apparent that while I was the main caregiver, and lived with Mom, my sisters could pitch in, and more consistently. So we realigned our calendars so that I would have the weekends off. During the week I am responsible for doctor appointments, meals, transportation, ect - unless I have a conflict with my job. This seems to have released a lot of the steam that was building up in me. I think having more consistency has benefited me, and Mom. Most of the caregivers that I read about in this blog don't have the family composition that allows distribution of responsibilities. And sometimes when they do, they just don't ask enough. It took me three years to get to this place, and Mom's health is slowing deteriorating, but I rely hugely on my sisters for their understanding and help. I hope a success story will inspire my fellow caregivers to keep shaping the relationships to keep them strong.

My mother is diabetic but healthy otherwise. She believes in saving the world just not herself. She thought I would gladly help her in her crusades but I do not. My focus is her health and well being and possibly finding a place such as you suggest BUT I can't get her on the same page.

That is abusive for your mom to guilt trip you based on a childhood promise when you didn't have full knowlege of what you were promising. Would it be possible for her to qualify for low cost housing if she is healthy enough to live on her own. She's already having a negative impact on your health which is not good. She could outlive you.

My mom remembered when I was little I said I would take care of her and I guess she's holding me to it. It wouldn't be a problem if she didn't want to make rules in my husband's and my home and then become dispondant when she doesn't get her way. She's been with us less than a year and I've officially started on BP meds. Never was prescribed them before now. We asked for nothing in return but for her to pick up our 1 and only child from school 4 days a week (Monday thru Thursday and hubby picks up on Friday so she can have weekends to herself) and she moaned and lamented so much (passive aggressively of course) that we've recently decided that she will only have to pick her up on Mondays and hubby and I will coordinate our schedules the rest of the week. I'm starting to get to my wits ends. And I appreciate a place to vent such as this blog. We don't receive any financial help from her. We pay all of our own bills and we know it would be hard for my mother to support a place of her own but it's starting to get rough. My husband are racking our brains trying to figure out another solution but we would never ask her to leave without another place to go.

I wish I would have had better insight when we made the decision to have my father in law move in over a year ago. Today, knowing what I know now I would have never made the decision. My marriage is falling apart, the house we have is not a home it is a shelter for me and privacy is out the door. The parent is trying to parent my husband and me and I cannot take it anymore. My husband sees the issue but is afraid to hurt his father's feelings. His father is a healthy 75 year old with no major health issues. We don't live together for financial reasons, we live together because my mother in law passed away and my husband (only child) suggested he move in so he wouldn't be alone. I agreed not knowing what life would hold. We sold our house and bought a bigger house for more space. I told my husband before we listed our house that I don't think this would work but was reassured that a bigger home would be better for privacy and space. It has done the exact opposite. I feel so angry and we are going to counseling however I feel completely done. I am grateful that we do not have children. We have been married for over 16 years and I am ready to walk away.

livlifelrg, in no way did you fail her. You are failing her now if you don't make changes because destroying yourself isn't what she wants (even if she can't know that now). You've done far more than most people would do so now is the time to move forward. Because of the falls and other issues I'd suggest assisted living unless she will accept full time in-home caregivers in her home. You need a separate place to live your life. You can still be her advocate and take care of many of her needs but you can't continue to be her live-in caregiver. Your kids, your grandkids, your boyfriend - and yes, your mother - need you to get your life back on track. Give yourself credit for doing so much and move forward for everyone's sake.
Big hug from us all,
Carol

Today it finally hit me: I can't do this anymore. And I feel so guilty I don't know how to do it. I was downsizing (my 4 children were all living independently) and decided to move in with Mom while I was shopping for my next house. Once I got there it was apparent how badly she was failing: loss of weight, poor nutrition, falling. So I made the decision to stay. After 14 months it was apparent that her house was too small for the two of us, and thinking bigger would be better, she purchased a larger home. Well, that was 18 months go and my life is hell. She is an alcoholic and also on depression medicine. Her legs barely work and falls a lot. I thought I could juggle her, my boyfriend, children, grandchildren, and a job - but it's impossible. I feel like I am torn in every direction, and each of them is being patient with me , except Mom. I guess what I want to say, is I miss my old life, and thought I'd be going into a new chapter and that's just not happening. So now, with the support of my sisters, I have to begin the process of moving out, and evaluating what will be best for her. Whether she stays there in the bigger house, or goes into assisted living. She has the money for either, but I feel like I failed her and she may never forgive me. And why did it take me 3 years to figure this out???

Update for New2caregiving,
My MIL plans to move out within the next year! After a good bill of health and finding out that her eyes are stable from the pressure, we all feel she can and should live on her own again while she can! I hoped she would consider assissted living communities, but she doesnt want to do that. We will have to help her buy furniture again since she doesnt have any, but its progress that I've prayed for! Starting to feel a little relief now. Caring for an elder can be both rewarding and suffering so please weigh your options carefully!

I too began looking after a friend of twenty years I have been caring for him for the past nine and a half years. He is ok with that is me and my daughter but gets hostile ad aggressive with other people. He as an acquired brain injury I now have gotten quite and have him in respite care he initially got very aggressive and demanded to go home I got help for complaints for aged care He operates at a much younger level he is 66 I don't know where this is going to end He is hard to place and plays up

Do not have a parent come live with you except as a last resort. They will cause strife in your marriage, wear you down to a frazzle and not give a hoot about your life at all. You will, most likely, develop depression and anxiety and you will never get them to leave. And you will regret the loss of your life and you will develop a great resentment towards your parent. My mother never cared for me and really hates my husband but didn't suffer an ounce of remorse or guilt in coming into our home and making us wait on her hand and foot.
She wants me to divorce my husband move away and just take care of her with no thought to my life at all.

Thanks to you all who have responded. Here is a little history of why we decieed to move her in. Yes, this is my husband's mom. Well, we have had the discusion that if anything happened to my parents that we would do the same. The difference is that my parents were responsible in life and do have each other. They also do not want to be a burden and prefer an assisted living community if they ever need help. His mom has been a widow since 1985, but did have a 10 year relationship with a man that turned bad. My husband, her baby, was the only one left at home to help protect her when the relationship turned bad and the boyfriend abused and later tried to stalk her! Anyway, its wierd because my husband did see him as a step father figure and refers to him as step daddy if they ever bring him up. However, there seems to be a strained relationship between the other 2 sons because they rarely call, come see her, or spend time with her. Its always been that way since I've been in the family. When she lived by herself those brief 7 years before moving in with us, MIL always called on us even though it was her other son's property and home...she was allowed to stay there rent free so everyone could have privacy and independence from one another when we got married because she didnt have anywhere else to go. She cannot manage money either so that is why it was rent free. Even with a rent free opportunity she could not manage her money and often needed gas money at the end of the month and would ask us for money. $1300 a month was more than enough for her utility bills, propane in the winter, her needs, and gas when she could drive. However, she chose to blow her money instead of saving it, and gave money to her "friends" who were drunks or irresponsible with their money! When she had moved in, we found out that she had pawned the title to her car to get someone out of jail for a DUI and posession of other pills. She has never made wise decisions when it comes letting others pay for their consequences! The sad thing is that that car was given to her as well by her other son she rented from. I guess in some ways i do resent having to be responsible for such a careless and irresponsible adult! The MIL siblings are all the same except for her brother and He is the only one in her family that has a level head with morals and manners! Anyway, sorry for the history lesson. When she started loosing her sight from AMD and was forced by the doctor to give up driving we knew it was bad. So, i quit my job, we let her move in, and i manage her money to help with her bills and yes, unfortunately, she helps with our bills since i had to quit my job. I want to go back to work or find ways to make money from home so that i can get a break, but i would have to find a caretaker for her incase anything like a fall happens when we are gone. I've heard of horror stories though where people take advantage of opportunities and steal from people they are caring for. So, I'm still at a crossroads on going back to work because of trust issues. I have learned through this process that i really do not feel like my hubby is taking advantage of me, but does want whats best for his mom. I can't blame him but it is hard to live with her here. We have no pricacy, under constant stress and now have high blood pressure for the first time in my life! I'm only 38. Just not sure at times what to do. Not sure i can live with her (MIL) for 5-10 more years. Not once have i disrespected her with cursing or name calling but she has done this to me several times in the past! Its hard...very hard to care for someone who just dont give a darn! Ive been coping lately with prayer for us, the situation, and praying for her. Its the only way i know how to cope right now since living arrangements wont change soon!

Am I correct. Is this his mother?

All good thoughts. 92 yr MIL moved to AL three weeks ago. Hubby has gone every day, sometimes 3x a day. I do not visit due to her anger. Hubby is still on caretaker overload. I have some guilt that I quit caretaking for MIL. Trying to save my marriage. What will our lives look like in the days to come?

I had a lot of regrets about putting our family in the position of caring for my mother-in-law, I think I actually felt guilty about making my children watch Grandma etc. They were young adults but still a burden of care on the whole family. My husband was in the middle between mom, his brothers and our family. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. In the end it was a good decision to take care of her. We wanted to honor her wishes and we did do that. But it was really tough!

Mindin our others. You are a fantastic daughther. Do you know how many leave their loved ones in a home and only return to claim the body. Give yourself the credit you deserve and know your mom is safe and resting in heaven looking over you. You will be reunited one day and she will share with you. You did a very honorable and respectful deed. God bless you

New2caregiving,

It sounds to me like your husband is using you to run a private nursing home for his mother. He really should have her in a nursing home. Would she qualify for medicaid? If he doesn't get why this is such a burden on you then he must be more sensitive to his mother than to you.

I totally regret letting my mother in law in with us. My husband had to ask her to leave when we got married and 7 years later she moved in with us. She is able to do for herself but her eye sight is going bad due to AMD. My husband says he can't ask her to leave again. She has lived here now for a year and a half and i cannot wait for the day she leaves. But i may never see that happen. She still smokes after 2 doctors have said that its imperative she quit because of COPD that may set in at her age of 68. Shes not allowed to smoke in our house or cars, but when she doesnt wash her hands i gasp for air even at 10 feet away because im allergic to smoke! Shes not been diagnosed with COPD but i would not doubt if she has it because she has an awful smoker's cough, but listening to her nurses and doctors say her lungs are clear. She tries to help but i have to pull double duty to go behind her and reclean things because she doesnt get them clean with her failing eyesight. We wonder if she is showing signs of dimentia or something because she repeats things after us just to repeat after us. She doesnt know how to clean up properly if she has an accident like pooping her pants. She goes into child mode like shes trying to hide it but ghen gets it everywhere like the bedroom floor, and all in the bathroom. Before prewashing the messy clothes i caught her trying to just toss them straight into the washing machine! Gross! That will cause germs to spread to us!! I calmly told her what to do and how to go about cleaning up her accidents but its like it went in one ear and out the other. I do admit, im OCD when it comes to cleaning, but to me its common sense not to spread those nasty fecal germs throughout the house and try to confine it to the bathroom! Again this type of scenario has happened more than once. I know she gets embarrassed but ive told her to ask for help and dont be afraid to ask. Instead, she chooses to "try" and hide things from us which just seems to make things worse. She is not physically disabled yet but other factors are creeping in like poor eyesight, child like actions with lies, and either not listening or dimentia issues setting in. She cant even help with laundry without getting out of breath. She breaths heavy dairly often through her mouth but i cant get her to have the chest xray done that the doctor wants her to have done. I already constantly feel like the bad guy. Having her live with us has taken a toll on my marriage but the hubby doesnt understand why im so stressed, or why its affected our relationship. In some ways i cannot explain why, its just taken a toll on my nerves, my stress is through the roof, and i dont want this anymore. I cannot wait to have my life back but feel so guilty all at once and wonder if our marriage will survive this?