My parents had been married for 65 years. I am 7, of 10 children. 5 boys, 5 girls. We never thought, in a million years, that my Mom would go first (cancer). Leaving my Dad a broken mess. It wasn't until after Mom was gone, did we realize how much, he depended on her. Sometimes, circumstances like these, rip a family apart, but it only brought us closer. After seeing that our Dad could not live on his own (he was 89, at the time) We moved in, into a Assisted Living. He was there about 6 months (moved to 3 different apts, in that time because he didn't like each one), after his 51st fall, he finally broke something....his ankle. From the hospital, he went to an adjacent building of the Assisted Living, thinking he'd get better care (Memory Care) but after 3 days, we knew we had make a mistake & we got him the heck outta there & moved him into a nice Rehab Facilty. He also moved 3 times, in there, not liking each room. The care there, was subpar, so my sister found a "Care Calendar" that each could log into, to visit him. I HIGHLY recommend this "Care Calendar". After my Dad, started refusing physical therapy, out he goes, leaving scrambling to find him a place to live. You'd think with 10 of us, one of us would take him in, but we knew he needed more care, than we could provide. Out of heaven, drops this wonderful Adult Family Home. This was it, all of us were in agreement. It took Dad about 6 months to 'settle in' but I think we've found his 'final resting place'. He's 91 now & he's happy & WELL taken care of. Fortunately, he planned well, for his future, and his insurance pays 100% of his care ($7000,00/mo worth). We continue with the care calendar & we all still get along! :)
I'm sorry to see so many stories of bitterness & regret, in some of these stories. I am an into home caregiver & I highly recommend, those of you who have their parent living with them, to bring in some outside care, so YOU can get the care YOU need. Many agencies to pick from. One I recommend is called "Home Care Assistance". They communicate well, both with their clients & their caregivers. Tina

Yes, I very much regret moving my mother in law in with us. She lies, is sneaky, and has terrible hygiene. Whenever I approach her to discuss anything, she is very defensive and argumentative. My husband and I only argue about her since she has moved in.
I feel like my home is no longer mine since she moved in and she is little by little taking over. She puts things in the living room like she wants them and is now doing that in the bathroom and the breakfast room.
I didn't expect it to be this bad. I feel like I am dealing with a 5 year old much of the time.

I never planned to move in with my elderly parents because I still had a teenager living at home, and would never have moved away from my husband, who was employed near our home. Now, nearing 87, I don't expect my children to move in with me. I now live in an independent living facility that I found on my own.

No regrets, a challenging labor of love. Wouldn't have it any other way. By the grace of God go I.

Well, this forum is all new to me, never done this before, I’m a little different situation, I’m 54 yr old son out of 4 kids, I’m the one who has always taken care of my mom, the last seven has been just getting worse and worse by the day, she just turned 82 and has had many health scares in her life from, back surgery, to gull bladder remove, colon cancer,
4 by-pass, feel in our house and broke her back and another time this past year as well broke her wrist and another one fracturing her ribs, I’m so stressed out, I found an independent living facility that would be able to move her to assisted and nursing home care if she required it in the future, it was a beautiful place, I had went there numerous times and found the perfect apartment, she threw a fit with me and got my sister on her side not to go, mom and I both live together and this last year is making me nuts, I know she needs help, refuses totally, every time I go get check up my blood pressure is higher than time before, taking three blood pressure pills a day, anxiety pill twice a day, sometimes feeling I’m going to have a heart attack, I asked my sister if she could stay with her just 4 nights, 5 days a month, gave all kind of excuses why she can’t although she works from home as well, I have a business that leases out condos, my theropist said I need to move out before something happens to me health wise, the guilt is overwhelming but I’m feeling more and more of just doing it, I really can’t mentally take much more of her controlling manipulating, don’t like none of the very few friends I do have, I cannot think of living the remaining 50’s under the same roof, never posted anything on this site, hope this even makes sense or helps someone in similar circumstances

Yes I do regret it. I moved in with my mom after my husband walked out on us. My daughter was in 8th grade and my othet daughter was away in college. I tookcare of my dad when he was in renal failute. He was easier to handle. It was mostly his personality. A care freeman and acceptance of his illness Hewas always grateful for another day. My mom is a different story. She is angry bitter and nothing is good enough for her. She criticizes my daughter and I. Always tells me that I should be grateful for the roof that she gave me over my head. She always want everyone to feel sorry. When she hangs hangs with her friends she is a different person upbeat and friendlier. She is 88 years old and drives (it makes me nervous driving.) She is getting forhetful and she realizes that. She still working 4 days out of the week. I work full time. Any suggestions. I have been living like this for 5 years and walking on eggshells

There can be so many reasons to regret it, and then often we regret our regret, so that’s a downward spiral. It’s a very complex situation, and, like an octopus, it has a lot of ways to grab you. Some are the current changes and stresses everyone is dealing with. And let’s face it, some of that is loss: of independence or a home or health for them, and for us, lifestyle, jobs, freedom, plans…  As a not-live-in care-giver, I’m thankful for all the support, advice, and understanding out there.

Guys I agree with Carol. Also, don’t put so much focus on the past. We all did what we did, we can’t change it so we need to let it go. Maybe work on that first. As for trying to find a job-try on-line positions in your field to get you re-introduced to working. Caring for an adult parent is very hard and does drain motivation...so take it slow with clear direction and intention. I am still with my Dad, and the situation is not getting any better. My son and I have decided to go home, and I have been looking for work in my home state. Planning on having the discussion with Dad soon to let him know what our intentions are. Very very scared and still weighed down with guilt, but can’t do this anymore...

I'm glad, BJG and Passive Observer, that you could could vent. You've both given so much and understandably aren't sure about what is next. Sadly, that is the case with many family caregivers. I wish that I had actionable advice for you both, but I don't other than to seek counseling to help you plan a future. Best wishes to you both.
Carol

Financial problems can develop for the caregiver. Let me expand on that statement. I was 58 when my father passed. I took care of him for 8 years before that. I never regretted being there for him for a minute, but I realize, now, the sacrifice I was really making. Now at 62, I still haven't found a job. Frankly, it's hard to motivate myself. I could go on Social Security, but at the minimum amount, but that's not much. Being single also doesn't help. Sorry for the rant. Feeling a bit sorry for myself. It helps to get it out. Anyone got any ideas.

Thing is I've been caring for my parent since I myself was a child. She has schizophrenia and an OCD, which contributes to hoarding. She also has separation anxiety. She's an educated woman, intelligent, and loves her children--but the mental illness crippled her (both physically and mentally).

I've raised her (and my younger sister), but have nothing really to show for it personally (other than a college degree and massive student loan debt). I'm not married, have no children, and I can't see myself having either. Now that my mom is retired, and my sister and I are grown adults, I'd love to break away and find myself. Again, I don't see that happening either. Frankly, I haven't a clue as to why I'm writing this? I guess, talking to myself/venting is slightly cathartic (beats crying)...

Confusedzoz,

Often when an adult child moves back home with a parent, the parent switches things to an parent/child relationship like your dad has done. He is manipulating you with false guilt and with his will. Take care of yourself and your children with no guilt by putting your life together and having some boundaries to protect yourself from your dad who you didn't make how he is, not can you change or control. The only one you can change and control is yourself.

I have a really unique situation, and I am heavy with guilt. My mother passed away in August of 2015. I was across the country, my brother and I were not being given accurate information about the severity of her health. Dad is nearly deaf and minimizes tough situations. By the time my brother and I knew things were really bad, we only had about 4 days left with Mom before she passed in Hospice. Her diagnosis of AML was quick, and within 3 weeks she was gone. After that trauma I promised myself I wouldn't let the same thing happen to Dad. The health care system in the area is mediocore, but neither one seems/seemed to mind at all. The following year we worried about Dad's stability, depression issues, and how he was managing alone. In summer 2016 he flew my kids and I out for a visit. My daughter was 13 at the time and my son 15. My son has serious MH issues and had just come through a very rough year. My daughter is a free spirit who is excelling in school, social activities, sports, etc. I am divorced, and we have 50/50 joint legal/physical. While visiting I noticed the house was in poor condition, Dad had lost 20lbs, and seemed to need help(albeit he would never admit such a thing). I worked the entire visit cleaning and trying to get him back on track. I felt strongly that he needed to be near us (my brother and I) and tried to convince him to move across country with us. We explored senior and assisted living, and he flat out refused. I offered to share a home with him in our state..but no dice. When vacation was almost over My Dad and I were discussing the situation and he stated in front of both kids that he was giving me our family home via his will, leaving other assets to my brother. My son had expressed a great interest in moving here because it is small, quiet, and he desperately needed a change. My daughter immediately said she would never move, which I understood all too well. Because the kids heard what Dad said it opened up what normally would have been a topic that was not up for discussion. My son spoke to his Dad, and his Dad was ok with it. We mentally logged it as a possibility we would consider, but were not doing anything rash. No move for atleast a year or more...Then I lost my job right before returning home due to lay-off. Being single and divorced my financial situation was plain BAD. No savings, no way to pay the rent, and needed to find employment asap in order to support the kids and honor my end of the divorce decree. I was desperate. Dad said again, why don't you come out and live with me. It happened quickly and after discussing with therapists, attorney's and family, my son and I made the move-to my Dad's. My daughter chose to stay with her Dad and here we are a year later...miserable. My Dad has no diagnosis of Dementia or Alzheimers, he is age related cognitive decline, and his body is reflecting his age of almost 87 years. Dad was always the "fun" or happier parent, so I thought it would work. My goal...be here to keep him healthy, home clean, not alone, and out of a small community nursing home. All was ok, but I wasn't coping with Being away from my daughter very well. My son was doing ok, but struggling with the change. And Dad acted as if we were a burden one minute and a blessing the next. He never said he was glad to have us, and there was constant tension. Then the role changes started happening. He started inserting himself into parenting my son, made disparaging comments to him, and demanded our time constantly. When we tried to do our own thing he bacame rude, and sulked..like walking on eggshells around him always. He also got around to telling me in passing that the will has no directive stating the house is to be willed to me. There is also no living trust. There is a mountain of debt, and the situation is not at all how it was presented. He promised something that was not real. And how exactly do you bring that up with a parent? My goal was not to hang around long enough to gain a home, however, in a desperate situation it somehow made the move seem to be a good solution that would benefit all of us. I would care for him, help him, and when the time came I would be here in order to take posession of the home he intended me to have. The home is a bicentennial farmstead that has been in our family since it was built. He said he wanted to keep it in the family, and with no property of my own, he wanted me to have it. Now after a year the situation is not a happy one. I do have a job now, and he calls me a work aholic because I don't shut down precisely at 5:00pm and begin the home cooked dinner that is now an expectation (that I created). I have to travel at times, which he seems to despise. I have suggested having a home health aid come when I am not here to prepare meals, and he refuses...but when I get home from a trip I am verbally bombarded with everything I neglected to do to make it easier for he and my son while I was away. He belittles me in front of my son it makes both my son and I completely devastated! I have asked him if he would like us to go, return home, and he says "well I don't see how you can ever afford to do that now, and I certainly won't help". I have expressed to him that I don't want the house, he can sell or give it to whomever he chooses...I just want the situation to improve. He then says "Well I am working on updating my will, and I want you to have the house after I am gone". I honestly don't think my Dad is competent, and I don't trust anything he mentions about the will. I don't care at all about the house anymore.. I just want out and feel absolutely trapped and manipulated. My fear is leaving and the minute I am gone, having him fall and ending up in a bad nursing home. something is not right with him mentally. (Or is it us?) He isn't the man I remember. I think due to under represented facts a big mistake has been made, and I am at the end of my patience. It is not worth it...Good intentions on both sides have waned and now we have a lot of bad, quiet, uncomfortable days instead of enjoying the time we have left as a family. I know my true responsibility lies with my children. My daughter is quite content with her Father, but I miss her desperately....and she misses us. How do you divorce this type of situation without destroying what is left of the family? I want to leave, but if that happens we will move back across country, not down the street. The only thing that brought me here was to help Dad and keep the farm in the family. Dad doesn't seem to want us here, and the whole business with the house wasn't true. Anyway, this is so absolutely dysfunctional and I could go on for hours. I know what I want but I don't know what to do...if that makes any sense. And I do love my Dad, above any brick and mortar, but he managed to get full control over my life...inside looking out I can't quite seem to figure out the right thing to do. I am scared, I feel guilty, and like a major failure. Help!

I used to think that Sunshinelady, but after almost 14 yeas of giving the majority of my life to an ungreatful parent, I have become almost paralyzed with everything I have gone through. From birth, I never had anywhere near a 'normal' upbringing and when I would try to approach any parent, I would be pushed away or demeaned... At 15 my parents left me with an aunt as they were always off to find a 'better' living 'arrangement' (long story which still boggles my mind). At 18 my father died, and we were left to fend for ourselves, which I did for decades... I studied, over far away and made a good life foe myself... Then, after my stepfather died, I stepped in to help my mother.... She has fought me ever since being contancerous and belittling me, as if we are always in a competition and she has to always try to control me. I feel beaten down and have lost so much... it has also affected my health... I never looked for any 'reward'... my downfall has been my 'good' heart which has nearly destroyed me.

I share my dad's home 5 of 7 days per week. I enjoy The 2 nights that I am at my own place, thoroughly. They're not consecutive nights so I barely have time for little more than collecting clothes for the week & checking the mail. Still, I am fortunate to care for a truly wonderful Dad who is unable to take care of any of his physically needs. This 85 year old was the most self-sacrificing man I have ever know. My heart is with those who have to go it alone, especially with cantankerous parents. God's grace will be extended to you as you love your family member through Christ.

Taking care of my mother has damaged my life and soul also... She even laughs in my face when I try to have a basic, sensible conversation with her... I think she is a narcissist. I'm tired of loosing my life to her, especially when she is so disrespectful and.. really... a jerk...Not at all your sweet, caring mother... so, sad... I feel teary and I hurt from having to admit I have a mother that is so insensitive and selfish.

Unhappyone,

You are about to make the same mistake twice. You don't owe your dad your marriage and your life. He didn't give his up for you! Why can't he live alone or in assisted living? You've already allowed their issues to destroy one marriage and I imagine it hurt your children also. Don't make the same mistake twice. BTW, spouses should take priority over parents.

My mother and father sold there house so we could pull resorses so my then wife and my 2 children could move into a better area. We built an annexe out of double garage. And all started fine. Then me and my wife argued all the time. More than before always about my parents. Then my mother got cancer and died in 4 months I got a devorce and sold the house. Split money with ex wife and moved into a flat near work with my father. I am now in a new relationship that's slowly going the same way because of my father and having no privacy at home, and his habits. I feel I owe him but at what cost... need to move on and forge a relationship but can't and it's grinding me down. Think hard before you make a decision like this.. I love my dad. But living with him is crushing my soul :(

...or, if 'your' parent(s) never had a good, relationship 'with you' (no matter how damned hard 'you' tried to have a good relationship with 'them'), don't do it... (speaking from experience and after having it drive me into the ground).

Absolutely. If you didn't have a great relationship with your parent, don't do it because it doesn't get better it gets worse.

I moved from Atlanta GA to Flint MI to assist both of my parents who clearly needed help. The differences in the economy, weather, culture, etc. are huge and I knew there would be adjustments to make before I moved. I've been here three years and find myself bored, unfulfilled and longing for space of my own. I know I am needed, but after three years I miss my life and I am losing me!

Shug... I'd recommend getting you and your children in a better environment if at all possible. You know what you went though when you grew up in a negative household like this. Do you want your children to repeat this pattern?... I wouldn't ... Your move is still 'fresh', so you could probably make a pretty clean break... if you can afford it...

Currently returned home in December. I have 3 children and I am a single mom. After consideration we agreed to live with my mother. Boy it is tricky. I can't deal with the mood swings and attitude.
There's no use to talking cause it's everyone else at fault. She is always negative and rude. It makes it hard to live here. And she always been that way since I was growing up. I'd hate to move but I hate being here when she's like that. It's just not fair. She's mean to my kids and she starts problems with me. She can't rationalise and refuses to talk about things like an adult. Its frustrating.

Good morning Carol.... I'm so glad you have a place of refuge... I do this also.... I started to stay up too late for me time, so I had to 'train' myself to start to go to sleep earlier again , as my mind would think and think and I would fall asleep later and later... I'm so glad you have family and friends you can visit.... This is so important! We have a very small family and they do not live by us. However, I do have good support with my circle of friends (I went out last night with ten of them... an ex-coworker I've known for a long time... it was nice to get away.... ). I've also thought that if I don't force myself out of the house, it will be worse later should the house be 'empty' again (with my mother gone). It all worries ... and, this hasn't been healthy... so, I'm working on the 'worry' part. The main thing is to try and keep your mental and physical health... Thank you for your kindness... You're a wonderful person who deserves and needs happiness in your life... Big Hugs!

Sorry heart2heart that it took some time getting back to you X I've been ok thanks. I find I'm very up & down with my moods and go to my room for 'me' space when I can or go out for hours to just escape quite a lot. But I'm lucky that my dad is kind to me nowadays most of the time, so I do have it a bit easier than you. He is 78 & potentially he could be around for another 20 years, who knows, and in time things will get more demanding I know. At the moment he is getting about very well. If it wasn't for my constant thoughts about my dysfunctional past things would be good. I do have my children & there families near to visit. Do you? I do hope you have lots of friends and places to go X you have a kind heart and lots of tolerance so deserve kindness and lots of love in your life. Xx

Tank you Carol... Yep... The dynamics in my family have almost destroyed me (the dysfunction).... but, as you know having only 1family plays all kinds of havoc on the mind (especially, the children... even after they're grown). My only alternative was to 'vacate', but I'm not that kind of person... My mother can be 'nice', so I have weathered the ups and downs (to say the least)... I'm trying so hard to not be bitter or have regrets... My mother is going on 90 this year... Life is short... I try to switch off (her stuff) and switch on (my life) daily by getting out and involved with things and people... I hope you can force yourself to do things for yourself no matter how difficult .... I know it's all hard and one day I can be up and the next day down... but, I keep getting up and going as best I can... Trying, trying... How are things with you today?

Thanks heart2heart for your caring comments X. I think that you are a bigger person than me when I read that your looking after your mother on your own. And that she sounds very mean & ungrateful towards you. I know she has her own baggage and you love her but I admire you greatly for what your doing for her. Bless you xx

I'm glad you came her to write this down and express what's going on Carole. Many of us come from dysfunctional families and it is extremely difficult to live with, especially when it comes back to haunt us as adults (there are some good topics on AC about dysfunctional families). I think the generation our parents came from seemed to have these kinds of weird 'traits' going on. I don't think they somehow treated their family very well... The men especially had to be dominant and thought of their children as a sideline. We can't go into their brains (as much as we want to) to figure out the why's of their nature which comes from their generational upbringing. I also poured my heart out to my mother, about things that went on in my childhood to no avail... So, I know for whatever reason, my questions will never be answered and I will have to live with my past. I think that at this stage of their lives, they get depressed, especially after loosing a spouse. It speaks volumes for you to Yvette taken your father in (I did the same with my mother) and it's been extremely hard on me also (I don't have a husband, so are very fortunate to have him as support). I just go one day at a time and try and make the best decisions I can make and try to get out when I can... Shifting from one world to another isn't easy.

I took in my dad just over 2 years ago & now regret the decision. I now feel trapped and depressed. My mum died and the lead up to her death (she had lung cancer) was very emotional and distressing for all the family. I was there when she died in the hospice & afterwards was very tired & bereaved. On top of this we were coping with my husbands nephew dying of cancer, he was only 34 & the whole family was completely devasted. He was only married for 6 months when he died. On top of all this I was going through the menapause and coping with depression. I feel that my decision to take my father in was to rash when I was in a very vulnerable and emotional place. The trouble is I don't have good childhood memories. My dad was very strict, cold and loveless and I when in later years we got closer I yearned for his approval and love. Now I'm resentful of him living with me because I think why should I care and give him love when he never cared for me in my childhood years. I spend most of my time trying to escape him. He cares only for his TV & a his meals. He does nothing and has no social activities or friends at all. He is slow moving about and has sight limitations but can manage stairs still and reads food packaging instructions when needed, so still able in my opinion to do more but chooses not to. I point out to him when we are out and about people who are obviously struggling a lot more & still trying to get on but seems unmoved. He sees me and my husband constantly on the go with our jobs, housework, hobbies and friends but nothing motivates him to getting out the chair. I feel he just wants a scivvy and an easy life. I managed to have a conversation about the past and how I feel to which he seemed sorry at the time of speaking. But within hours all is as if nothing was said. It all felt unimportant and forgotten as quick as it was all expressed. I know I can't expect him to be sorry for the rest of his life but a bit of after thought and concern and some comeback would of been good just to show he is conscious of how I feel so I can move on. I have a twin sister whom has mental issues which I feel has stemmed from our childhood but was sexually abused (not from a family member) this information is still taken very lightly by my father. When I've spoken of my concerns of her well being again it feels all very unimportant. I guess I'm a bitter person and he shouldn't be living with me but he is and I feel stuck in this painful situation. I feel better for my rant and writing it all down. Carol x

Rich and eliz... Thank you so much for sharing... If they only understood how much love we have given them by giving up so much. I get so scared now when I see my mother aging faster knowing that my past memories will continue to eat me up with sadness that I could never make her happy enough. That (basically) I could never get my mother's 'approval' of being the (only) 'good' child who loved her enough to take her in and try everything to include her (in most of my daily activities) and give her a 'quality' of life so she could feel like 'other' people and fit in (no matter what her age). My oldest brother and family has alienated me which hurts even more (she has supported them and not me... they live 1000 miles away and never visit... Only phone calls where they laugh and say "I love you" and hang up), while I'm the one left to do everything, absorb the toxins and have put my life on hold.
Ironically, I am so scared to see my mother getting weaker and am so afraid of her passing... Because of all these years of intense being together (she lives with me), Know I will be the one that will be affected by her death .... I will be depressed and my whole house (inside and out) will remind me of her. I am scared...