It may not be greed or thinking what is entitled to them. I’m my Dad’s healthcare POA and my sister is the financial POA. My job is taking him to all medical appointments, scheduling those visits, managing meds and advocating for his care with the various specialists he now sees. My sister handles investments, taxes, monthly expenses. We discuss what he needs and take care in what is spent. We both are paid a caregiver allowance for time spent as recommended by an elder care attorney we consulted with. It really has to be a group effort when it comes to all this - not one of us is the “boss”, except maybe my Dad who does have first say in his care. Both my sister and I are only concerned in how much long term care may cost eventually, not in what we have to gain when he’s no longer alive. It was a lot of hard work to move him closer from another state, clean and update his house to sell it, get his accounts and insurance in order and find him a reasonable independent senior apartment to live in. It’s almost 6 months since this big move happened, but things are settling down into a routine now. My best advice is have the whole family meet with an elder care attorney, have a role for everyone and talk together as a family for all decisions.

I'm glad to see its not just me! I'm the POA of my MIL who has ALZ. My husband and his sister are as well, but I'm the only one who actually takes care of it all. All I seem to get asked is what accounts she has and what money is in them! It gets very frustrating because it seems thats all that matters. Everything else such as IHC or assisted living, is just brushed off or they don't want to think about it! So frustrating.

We have a sibling who lived with my parents and was on disability yet my parents paid her which I felt was fine until she began to threaten us all that my parents were going to lose their house after she defaulted on several loans. I offered to buy my parents car and pay for it and my brother gave them the land and mobile home he was set to inherit to try and help them keep their house.. At the same time she bought herself a brand new mustang for 25000. She stayed in expensive hotels rather than drive 5 miles home while my dad was in rehab. She used my dad's 200000 credit card.etc etc. We still don't know how she managed to become poa. She is seedy. My brother though she was skimming.She would not let us visit etc. Now she has gifted herself my parents home and says my.mom with dementia is cognizant enough to sign it over although in my dad's will it says it is to go to all the siblings after my mom passes. My mom would always comment on how.muh she wanted us all to share it. I think this shows greed on.my sisters part. I even said I would forego any inheritance if my other sisters would and let it go to our kids and gkids. Thanks Glee t britt

I have durable POA but been doing total care on my mom for the past 10 years which destroyed my finances and even life. If my brothers think they are going to get any of the estate, they know where they can go. They never lent me a single hand or given me any assistance and I've been through so much pain and suffering for years. I got POA in 1998 and mom was sharp and fully with it. I even made HER my POA. That tells you how sharp she was. She was 69 years old. Since age 80 I have been dealing with her Alzheimer's and over the last 5 years I was unable to work because of her confusion and complete capacity to wander the streets...except once a week thanks to my best friend who watches her. I prepared estate planning with a eldercare attorney, the house automatically goes to me after she passes, and her account merged with mine so nothing goes into probate. I also got a caregiver's contract installed and she signed it knowing what she signed--you can tell how clear the signature was on the paper. She did decline after that. YOU MUST DO THIS or you will see just how dirty your own siblings will become. She is nearly 90 years old and doubtful she will make it this year. She is 100% dependent on me including toileting, bathing, feeding, etc.
There is nothing left to prepare..when she passes the bills will continue to be charged under her account, but I can add money into it as it is linked to my account.

I thought a person's Living Trust & Will protected their monies, so their children do get it ?????

I’m going to add a different perspective here. In our situation, the person with dementia had a significant amount of money and still does, relatively speaking. One son was given medical POA, the other was given financial POA. They do work together, but the medical POA has been in denial about progression and has a big sense of responsibility, coupled with guilt. So very necessary decisions about memory care and a more supportive environment have been avoided for over a year. Meanwhile, the money is flowing out for the person’s care and the financial POA hasn’t had the strength to put a stop to it and insist on a more appropriate plan. The point isn’t to keep the money for an inheritance. It’s to make sure there’s enough money to get through as much of this long good-bye with the most appropriate supports available and not spending the money down so fast that there’s nothing when the care needs really intensify.

One of the things that I will add here. As a guardian/conservator I had to document all of my mother's expenses to the penny. Those expenses for the personal care agreement, funeral expenses and legal fees were all submitted to the court at the year's end and approved.

The judge in the guardianship court was prepared to question the expenses presented until the elder lawyer presented him the personal care agreement. So many go through his court and use an elder's finances without proper documentation. As time went on during our caregiving experience, I knew that I was going to be questioned about every expense by my siblings. So I followed the letter of the agreement, kept good records, and kept the elder lawyer close at hand.

I protected my wife and children from falling into financial ruin while we cared for my mother. That was the expectation of my siblings. Keep Mom out of the nursing home and do it for free. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "I would have done it for nothing but love." They were all in the same position and made different choices when they were needed the most by my parents. In the end, I lost the relationships with my siblings over the money.

I will add my position here.

If you are caring for your elder parents, you need to involve an elder lawyer. Not only will they help you manage elder care issues that will ultimately pop up in dealing with Medicare, hospitals, nursing homes, or Medicaid, an elder lawyer will help you make certain that you have covered all of the bases that you will need to if one of your family members comes back on you later with questions about the money in the estate.

My wife and I were in the position that the author describes. No one was close enough or suited enough to take care of my parents. It fell onto us from across town for many of the little things over the last few years. As time went on, my father became ill and my mother's Alzheimer's grew worse. My father was no longer able to care for the both of them. At one point, I was at my parent's home four out of five nights at 3:00 A.M. Three of those times were because he had fallen out of the bed and was laying in the floor.

My parents were adamant that they would not go to an assisted living arrangement. I know now that was not even an option with my mother's progression. She would need full time care and more assistance with medication than available in assisted living. As I spoke to my father, we came to the agreement that the two of them would move in with my family. As part of that agreement, we had an elder lawyer write up a personal care agreement because my wife would be quitting her job to care for the both of them. My father asked my siblings if they would agree to that.

Before my parents moved in with us, my father had several in and out trips to the hospital. On one particular night, my mother was adamant that he did not need anyone to stay with her. She threatened physical harm to my wife, myself and one of my siblings. One of the siblings living out of state suggested that we call 911 and have her involuntarily admitted. That was simply not understanding the system. Once the ambulance came and my mother refused care, we were told to put the knives away and to not leave her alone. They could not take her to the hospital. We were advised to get POA immediately.

We called the elder lawyer and were told that was not an option with her in the mental state she was currently in. We would have to seek emergency guardianship. We were able to do that within a day. The second night she was going to be by herself, she had a diabetic emergency because her sugar had dropped dangerously low. Called 911, showed them guardianship paperwork, and off to the ER. Turned out she had a UTI that was zpping her sugar.

I say all of this because this is how a situation can creep into taking care of your parents to becoming the sole caregiver for them.

My father and mother moved into our house after it was determined that he could not go home with her alone. He survived one more week at our house before he was admitted for the final time with kidneys failing. He never came home. My mother came home from the funeral to my house. My siblings left the funeral home and went back to their lives. My family with my wife and three little kids was thrown head first into full time care giving.

All of the things that are described in the article about why siblings wont help with caregiving happened to my wife and I. We never got more than three hours of respite from a sibling over a year's time. It was amazing. We did have a personal care agreement that helped with the expenses.

Here is where is gets bad. My siblings agreed to the care agreement on the day after the funeral when they walked back to their own lives. However, a year later, after my wife and I alone cleaned out 38 years of my parents' home over the following 12 months, the hands were then reaching out for the inheritance. The care giver agreement, my mother's funeral expenses, and legal fees for the elder attorney was to be paid from the sale of that house. My mother was then at the point where we could no longer care for her. She was combative with our children to the point that they hid from her. Not to mention the constant verbal abuse that my wife and I took daily. We made the decision to place her in a nursing home and pay out all of those expenses.

Once she was in the nursing home, my siblings immediately began to dispute the personal care agreement amount owed to my wife for her care over that year. For some reason, it was expected that my wife would give up her job and do it all for free.

Even with a personal care agreement in place, siblings can change their tunes when the sign of checks being written appear.

1 Tim. 6;10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. This is so true! Being the oldest I took care of arrangements for both step-parents, our Father, and our youngest brother. Noone could be bothered to call or visit before they passed. However, once they were gone relatives came out of the woodwork looking for an inheritance. Hubby and I have decided that being of sound mind while yet alive, we are spending what we worked hard for and if anyone comes looking for an inheritance when we are gone, they are more than welcome to our closing bills! LOL

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to stop the vultures swooping in at the end. As long as there are next-of-kin, there are parasites. All we can do is be kind to our elderly parents and look after our own health and emotional wellbeing as much as possible so we don't pass away ourselves, leaving our parents even more vulnerable. One thing the death of my father has taught me is that I am no longer part of a family but I still have my mum, thank God - and thank God for friends who are better than sisters to me.

So, here is my story. My father was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago. He fought long and hard, but lost this battle in March. The weeks leading up to his death were very difficult. I was over to my parents home every morning before I went to work to help him get out of bed and get breakfast for him. I was back at their home in the evenings to put him in bed. I would have to call my brother or a friend to help me. Our sister was rarely there and she's a nurse! The only thing that she wanted to help with was sorting his medications. I finally broke down and called Hospice. My brother was all for it, our sister was mad about it. Come to find out, her oldest son had been stealing pain pills from our father (yes, his dying grandfather) and our sister not only knew about it, but was calling in more prescriptions even though dad wasn't the one taking them. We had Hospice in the home for about a week and a half before dad passed. I just found out that my sister took the remaining Oxy and Hydro that were left. So now our mother has a back fracture and they found fluid on her brain. She needs to be in skilled nursing to recover from the back injury before going in for the shunt placement. My sister works in an assisted living home and insisted that mom come there. I informed her that medicare does not pay for assisted living and that mom would not get the care she needs there anyway. She tried to get mom out of the hospital without my knowledge and take her anyway. I happened to be there and was able to get mom into a nice home with skilled nursing to get her on the road to recovery. I keep encouraging mom that she will only be there for a few weeks before they take her back to the hospital to drain the fluid - which will help her so much with walking and memory problems. My sister calls her daily to lay the guilt trip on her for not being in the facility that she works at. I know how evil she can be as she was also trying to convince our father of removing our brother from the Trust....while dad was dying. She feels that our brother received the business and should not be on the trust. My sister is in a lot of debt and currently living with a friend because she spends all of her money on shopping and doesn't pay bills. I am so concerned with her being alone with mom. Sorry for typing such a lengthy story, but I am at a loss.

This is my story, and there is money. It has been a horror show, no help what so ever. A friend of mine came to help, stole and I was thrown out and blamed for her actions after seven years. The caretaker, or someone is continuing to steal, and when I addressed it, my brother who is power of Attorney, tried to keep me from going to the house. It has been a difficult time, losing my father and the unbelievable unkindness from my brother and sister, who has never done a single thing. There is money, and he keeps her in the house w/dementia to save the money for himself. It has been the most difficult time of my life. I tried to get a list of the money spent, but that is impossible because it is a blind trust, and I feel confident that he is spending at will. I feel this decade has been 30 years. And don't even try to find work after a decade off. I have lost faith in myself, God and mankind over this-but am determined to change the energy to be positive. It is work, but well worth it.

Brother's wife abused the POA and set herself up as online banker for my dad's account without his knowledge, request or approval. She also let herself walk into his bank and inquired as to how much money he had and who was listed on the beneficiaries. Always accused me of being unscrupulous. In addition to that, when both mom and dad had passed, she was first in line to keep their lake home "because mom and dad wanted them to have it stay in the family" sniff sniff and yet refused to negotiate fairly--offering me only about 75% of the value of the property-- a difference of over $50K! When I finally acquiesed, just so I would not have to deal with her anymore, she refused to actually pay me, and I ended up having to hire an attorney and threaten to sue. Brother said and did nothing, just let his wife run roughshod over me. SIL would also would send hateful email to me in the middle of the night, signing my brother's name. I was sole caregiver for both mom and dad for over 3 years with no help from my only brother or his family of 6. When mom passed, none of the 4 grandkids could bother to attend the funeral. (Yet, they were happy to enjoy their lake house the following week). Shameless! As bad as it was with these monsters, I am better off now without them in my life. Going through this really opens your eyes to the people in your life, especially the ones whom you thought 'loved you' and had your back. They say every family has this, I would have never thought it, but when it came to money, the truth comes out!

My mum's situation hasn't changed since I was last on here. I contacted one of my sisters trying to make peace so my mother could see the children (I say "make peace" but my mother and I have done nothing wrong). She responded with some narcissistic rubbish about her willing me to call her and me obeying her wish! (I won't use the exact words because she has been stalking me online and might figure out that I'm on this forum - I don't need any more harassment from her!) I sucked it up for the sake of my mum, but she started a big row on the phone with my mother (the usual headwrecking rubbish - changing plans, changing times and locations, refusing to give her address but demanding we meet here there). In the end my mum said we'd meet them in a hotel lobby and take them for lunch. We waited for over an hour and bit our tongues over lunch. As soon as lunch was over my sister and niece started a row while I was away from the table for a few minutes (paying for the meal). What should have been a happy reunion between my mother and her grandkids turned into the usual drama. She still misses her youngest grandchild but is very bitter about the rest of them. It is heartbreaking. For my part, I try to keep her happy, bringing her out for lunch, watching TV with her and encouraging her to see her friends. My career is taking a back seat though I am self-employed and have found a way to work from home. I miss my freedom but at the same time I have learned to take pleasure in simple things such as feeding the wild birds, and I have never watched so much TV. Like Spangle and others on here, we are all just about managing to cope. It's great to have a forum like this where we can share our experiences and offer advice. I strongly recommend everyone here puts an Enduring Power of Attorney in place - for themselves. Pick a non-family member you trust and who is (very importantly) capable and (preferably) younger than yourself. You will need it to protect you from your siblings if you are ever incapacitated. Don't wait until you are elderly. You have seen how vulnerable your parents are. My mother and I have taken all legal precautions to protect ourselves from our horrible next-of-kin.

I have done everything possible i could do for my mum . never took a penny from her and refused when she offered to pay my staff that i had to pay when i was away from work taking her to appointments or even just out for the day.
I have ( had) one brother who in thirty years plus as never took her out, had her for tea, Christmas, or anything that a loving son would do. A sister who has only took money from her and ask her to take out a loan at the age of 74 years ! and never paid a penny back. it breaks my heart!. Ufortunately the law seams to think that it ok the let them have the same benefits. I wonder if they were in the same situation that they would be happy!

Too many greedy family members, especially when significant amounts of money are involved!

I wrote a few months back on here. I had a situation like many here. It made caregiving so much harder and I believe it complicated my grief later. For example, while I was caregiving my sister spread very awful things about me and acted like I didn't exist. She caused a lot of pain in her anger about not getting everything for herself. That was hard to deal with after Dad passed away, as I already had feelings of guilt, despair, flashbacks, almost like PTSD. I am getting some counseling now and just want to let others know that it is helping me. Just something to consider when it is all over. Your feelings and perspectives may be very confused if you have had these troubles with siblings.

I'm so grateful to have found this site.Really helps me see I am not alone in my struggles as a caregiver.

I never thought I would see this in my family,but I do.I have been care giving for a total of 25 years and my mother is still with me.I have devoted my life and both my sisters have money and I don't have much.I do not get any help at all.

Well at least I haven't stolen anything from her house. None of us would even think of doing that.

Wow. So much resentment here. I don't know if I'm greedy. I do know that a little money would solve a lot of problems. I already feel like a horrible person. My mom and I didn't have a good relationship until I was in my 30s. She was ugly to me until I got married, and now, when she tells me how much she loves me all I can feel is sad. I just don't believe it.

My mother is lucid, but she keeps falling, and my sister, who lives nearby, is her caregiver. My husband and I are struggling financially after his business failed and I lost my job. We are in our 60s and 70s and lost our house, so we rent.
My mom lives in her own house, and though if she has to give up the house to go into a nursing home, so be it, but she keeps talking about how she wants to die, but she wants to leave us her house, but she doesn't know if she can keep it. It's driving me crazy. I feel like a horrible person but I hate listening to this. She hates her life, she's running my sister ragged, she doesn't want me there because she's always been a total neatnik obsessed with how "dirty" her house it (it's not) .

i clearly see now mom and dad should had left their money and their house to charity wished they had then my greedy sister wouldn't have anything to work with or go by she is greedy even my mother told me this a while back.stealing food and angel figures while mom was still alive i admit i had a falling out with mom but i did love her and now am missing her a lot rest in peace mom....god will get revenge on greedy sister. sister thinks its all about her boy will she be surprise when she realizes its not.

my sister is one of the greediest people in this world she is nothing but a greedy slob lives with her husband and son he is a thief and a liar we have a reason to believe he had something to do with moms death they really want that money bad so they can do drugs and drink god is gonna get them so sister dear and little dirt bag be ready for the lord he is coming soon then we will see who has the last laugh SISTER DEAR

my sister is one of the greediest people on this earth she doesn't care about others at all just getting her paws on the money she wants to sell mom and dads house i found out for her to do this she needs my signature which she wont ever get unless she forges its she has her house she trying to kick our younger brother out moms house ..message to sister dear GOD IS GONNA GET YOU so be ready Sister dear its coming to your hometown where you ask in Pegram,TN

Wow it's like you have a Crystal ball. Exactly what is going on here. But I can't afford to buy anything no pay for over 15 months and I pay for my own gas and meals. I went from 177 pound's to 137 I look like a walking skelaton. they even asked me to pay $ 2000 to buy the truck Iuse to drive from and to home and pay the license, insurance, and repair. With no pay. And equal inherents for my wife not me. this was just supposed to be two weeks. Now over 15 week's the wife is too weak to do the heavey lifting. I feel like I'm being suckered.

I am currently the caretaker for my 88yo wonderful Mom. I have been a geriatric nurse , specializing in Dementia for 30 years. Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 1.5 years ago,and since that time,it had ALWAYS been me who has seen to her medical care. My brother(we are the only 2 surviving out of 4 children), is her POA, and I am her healthcare agent. My brother only spends 1 hour a week with Mom, taking her out to lunch,and a quick grocery shopping.
My brother and I have been at odds since the beginning of this journey. When I received her diagnosis,I phoned him to update him,and all he could say is"Oh, GREAT! That means that I'M going to get it!" I was so shocked, I couldn't believe he could only think of himself!
I noticed Mom has a pretty severe hearing defecit over a year ago, and took Mom to a hearing specialist, who gave us a quote for hearing aides. My brother FLAT OUT refused to allow mom to get them, saying she can't afford it. He took her entire savings account back in 2013, and put it in his name only. Now he's telling Mom she only has 5000 in her account,and HE'S not paying for her funeral!!
Mom is suffering from mild dementia,she is very physically healthy,sorry,and very viable!!! She enjoys volunteering at her local senior center once a week,and still attends her weekly woman's bible study group. Of course, I provide all rides. She hasn't spent ONE CENT on clothing or anything for herself, as my brother BULLIES her into not spending any of her money! Myself and My aunt are no longer allowed to take her shopping, as we allow her to use her credit card when she needs or wants something. She has never attempted to make grandiose purchases.
The grocery shopping trips with my brother are becoming more and more frugal, much to my dismay. Last week, he thought it was sufficient for her to exist on a 1/2 pound container of premixed tuna salad from the deli, along with a package of hamburger buns, a small amount of grapes,and nothing else that I could see. He never has her buy meat,, or fresh veggies. She used to LOVE salads!
The time for mom to live alone is drawing to an end. She can't afford assisted living. My brother is denying Mom and I the opportunity to move in together, so that I can have the privilege of taking care if her at home. He says he is afraid that I'll get burnt out! Like having to run back and forth between her home and mine several times a day(I also have custody of my 3 year old grandson) to give her meds,help her run her household, and now, to provide meals isn't MORE stressful? At LEAST it will give me peace of mind to know she's safe and taken care of.
Because of my career, I am extremely well aware of all of the resources available to us, should we need them. I also have many friends in the medical field who I know would help us out if need be. My 3 daughters would also be of great help
My question is, can he, as her POA have the FINAL say over us cohabitating? We would have to find a rental property to share,since neither one if our current homes could accommodate our situation. I am trying to get us help with a security deposit, since I won't touch her money to cover her half. I also have no interest in becoming her POA, and if he quits,as he has threatened her to do, I will hire an objective third party. I should also state that in Mom's estate plan, she states outright that if a COP is needed, she wants me to be named as COP.Her estate plan also states that he cannot put her into any hospital or nursing home without me approving of it first. Her Alzheimer's doctor says that Mom is still capable of deciding where she wants to live. I don't want to think that my brother would dip into Mom's money, but he finally DID purchase what he says are hearing aides, which supposedly cost $1000. They are amplification devices and there's no way they cost all of that. She doesn't want to hurt him by firing him as her POA, but I don't see any other way.

I was the caregiver to my dad who lost both legs due to health issues, my mom passed away in 1999. My dad had a will and everything was suppose to be split 50/50. Well, I found out that my dads 401K which he told me that I was getting 1/2 and my sister was to get 1/2, well there was a problem with the paperwork my dad put my sister as primary and me as secondary, he didn't know. My sister will not give me my share and I just found out she bought a house. I really need to find a way to deal with this a support group somewhere, I cant seem to find a group for that category. I really think this is gonna kill me if I cant find a way to deal with this. If there is someone out there that can give me some advice as what to do I would appreciate it.

Seen this happen before!! Family went nuts over their fathers $20 million dollar estate. He got so angry, he left it all to charity!!!

I'm dealing with a different kind of situation where the greedy one was not a family member. Right now I have a lawyer helping me sort through all this because in Ohio it's illegal for POA to use their position to benefit themselves. The fraud wasn't discovered until after dad's death and right now we're dealing with a big huge problem where multiple parties were in the wrong. It looks like the fraudster will be the first one to blame and the life insurance company will also be at fault for not looking out for my dad's interest or his survivors when they allowed the POA to abuse her powers to benefit herself