It can be so hard to talk to older loved ones about their need for help at home. I found this article very helpful when talking to my dad about getting help. https://www.comfortkeepers.com/offices/north-carolina/southern-pines/resources/resources/senior-care--is-a-family-issue/

If an elder father lives with his family, has early dementia but usually stays in a chair, but does walk with walker although he has fallen, and the Dr. recommended 24/7 care, is it still okay to leave him alone in the house for a couple of hours, or, if he fell, injured himself, or even died, is that considered elder abuse. If so, what are the ramifications of elder abuse?

My husband has DPOA for his 84 year old Mom. She freely moved 9 years ago to another state to live with the oldest sister. Her will was re executed in that state. She has in the past 4 years began early dimemtia. The older daughter enjoys and cares for her meticulously. We help compensate from our state. 3 other sisters who are nurses have recently decided to be involved in her life...but only on their terms without older sister ...which Mom doesnt want. We received an attorneynletter stating they want her to be appointed a guardian and moved away from her current sage surroundings. Her wishes were spelled out for her oldest Son to be in charge and is even though he lives 1000 miles away. Any advice?

My Mom lives alone, she is 89 and wants her independence for as long as she can walk.
She lives the other side of the country and I call her a couple of times each week.
However knowing she is ok everyday is tough, thats why we use the iamfine service which offers a daily automated call to check in on her.
Great value

I need to wear a camera on my shirt like a button that can be seen online, I need someone to watch online to offer me some type of security, i have seizures and medic alert doesnt work when I have seizures, who can I pay to watch online when I wear a camera on my shirt like a button for my safety,

Thank you.

Many times people feel that senior citizens shouldn't be living alone and it's understandable why. But these days we have access to excellent care management services so can worry less. We opted for in-home care management for my grandma during her final years from retire at home.

It is a sensitive subject but many seniors are used to the independence and refuse to give it up during their senior years as well.

There are a great many options for those parents who are aging, even if you are not comfortable with them being alone. There are in home care professionals who can check in for small amounts of time, or stay throughout the day if that is financially feesible for you. Also consider a medical alert system which can be installed in the home to protect a loved one in the event that they fall. With your help lifting heavy items or doing labor intensive chores, or a caregiver's help a few hours a day, a medical alert system can allow your mother to be alone safely. If you don't think she can be left alone, having a medical alert system in the house will allow you to have a room you can go to for some "me" time and know that if she falls, she can get help with the push of a button. The system is simple and runs through a base unit and a button worn around the wrist or neck that can be pushed in the event of a fall or other emergency. An emergency response team is contacted immediately, and help can be reached when its needed. Best of all, it extends the amount of independence your mother has, and the amount of "me" time you can enjoy.

Oh...every family is so different! (LO means loved one) I'm an only child and would give anything to have the help of siblings or even my cousins at this point. In my opinion, and probably in the eyes of the law, your uncle is the responsibility of his son's. Whether he objects or not. Unless there is some reason that they would not care for him properly, of course. He and his sons are all very fortunate to have you and your mother to help!

The one thing you have to remember is that Alzheimer's patients lose the ability to think logically or rationally. He will likely object to anything that is a threat to his independence and will not admit that he needs help. At least that is the case with my mother. But, since you must ensure he is cared for, you can't let his objections dictate his course of care.

On the other hand, if there are areas where he can still be independent, be sure that he has the opportunity to contribute to the discussion and participate in his care.

And LO means what? Right now, this is about my Uncle, who has Alzheimer's and moved in with my mother. I'm trying to get one of his son's down here to take charge of things but the Uncle is NOT willing and would object. So that is what I'm trying to find out about.

Unfortunately, the use and administration of these documents is on a jurisdiction by jurisdiction basis. Here in Michigan, it's county Probate court. My sister and I had POA and at least three doctors signed statements. My Dad wanted to go home from the AL facility we had him in so he called his attorney and his attorney told him he was free to go. Soon thereafter our POA was revoked and we were out of his life. Our only recourse would have been to file a petition for guardianship in the county where he was residing. The burden of proof and expense would be on the petitioner. The county where Dad resides has a lot of kids trying to abuse their parents financially, so we already had a strike against us. Also, it's not always all or nothing. We might have been allowed partial control, but not total guardianship/conservatorship being as he was high functioning. So, then the petitioner has to re-petition for each additional piece. My advise for your area would be to look for the court that handles guardianship and read the petition application. POA will work as long as the LO doesn't object, but once they do, legally the guardianship and/or conservatorship is the only option.

Could anyone provide me a resource to read about the diferences in
Guardianship
Conservatorship
Power of Attorney
and now cmagnum's suggestion about just having two doctor's notarized opinions...what is the advantage of that? Less cost and court hassle?

Thanks.

If a parent has been diagnosed as incompetent by a doctor after they give someone POA, I do not think they can revoke it because they are incompetent to conduct their business in a business like manner. Instead of getting guardianship my lawyer advised me to get two doctors notorized opinion about my mother and why they say she is incompetent which I have on file in case I need them. I also informed the nursing home administration about this as well. Mom's neurologist and the nursing home doctor each each evaluated her and made a notarized statement that she is not competent to handle her own business.

Amyjod, you are absolutely right. My Dad, before dementia, was so insistent that he didn't want to live if he couldn't take care of himself. He made my sister and I promise over and over that we would not let that happen. Add dementia and some "well-meaning" friends and neighbors and our nightmare began. Basic parts of his personality remain while many others are so foreign that we wouldn't believe it if we didn't see it with our own eyes. Like you said, the survival instinct to hang on to any shred of independence is extremely strong.

Allowing any 'help' is like admitting she can't take care of herself even if the goal is keeping her in her home. It might be time to visit an assisted living facility and let her 'decide' one or the other. Assisted living or living in her home with help. It's so hard when the rational thought is gone.

All of the planning ahead of time doesn't mean a thing to your aging loved one if they have dementia/Alzheimer's. I've had full medical and finanacial power of attorney for my mother for nearly 20 years, though only within the last two have needed it. All the conversations we've had over the years about how she wouldn't argue with me when I told her she would have to quit driving and how I shouldn't feel guilty if I ever had to "put" her somewhere have gone right out the window. It's not that she doesn't remember saying them. I think she does. It's that she's no longer capable of rational thought and she's scared because her independence is slipping away. She is fighting every bit of the help I'm trying to get for her with the goal of keeping her in her home as long as possible.

A revokable POA is just that - revokable. All it takes is for your LO (loved one) to make a call to their attorney because they are not happy with some decision you've made and the POA is revoked. My Dad, in his right mind, made my sister and I his POA for medical and financial. Then he got dementia, but he was highly functioning, and thought he was fine. While he was in the hospital following a surgery, my sister and I were the most wonderful daughters in the world and handled his mail, paying bills, handling prescriptions and insurance with the hospital, etc. Then when it was determined by his primary care physician, psychiatrist and an ER physician that he was not safe to live alone anymore - Dad decided we were trying to "put him away and steal all his money". POA revoked and we were estranged from him for over a year.

If you have a high functioning LO, as painful as it is, the only way you will legally have any say in their care (and keep out the well-meaning church friends, neighbors, etc) is to get the guardianship and/or conservatorship as soon as possible. You must have proof from several sources - enough to convince a judge. The legal community MUST work to retain a person's human rights. So the lawyers and judges must be convinced beyond a doubt that the individual concerned is not capable of making their own decisions any more.

Crystal, I thought that power of attorney meant you could make decisions for someone because they are not able to make them on their own. My mother also sometimes thinks that casual friends will be more helpful. But as you said, these friends don't know what the day to day grind is like with her, and they will not necessarily stick it out once the "true colors" come out. Or they may not have her best interest in mind.

A warning regarding Power of Attorney- it means nothing unless the person is cooperative as far as their care. I had been acting as Power of Attorney for years- buying selling real estate- investing to keep interest rates as high as possible for my mom, Then this past year-she decided she could get more "help" from her new church friends - I'm adding their intentions might be good but they have no clue the verbally abusive person is behind closed doors. I have distanced myself - my daughter checks on her and I pay her of of pocket expenses but at 86-she is still as mean as ever- I heard she contacted an attorney to see if she can change her POA- and as I understand it- unless she has dementia -she can. I am trying to understand myself- I feel I wasted so many years on an ungrateful mean spirited woman.

To quote this article, which I often do at my age now of 40 years old to my 11 year old daughter. I am an only child, so is my daughter. I always tell her for both of us to face up to this fact / challenge even before I turn demented myself. I told her this is why I am suffering so much because 25 years ago there was never like this between me & my mom. There was no honest, open communication on what to do when she reaches her senior years & worse is if she goes beyond the age of 70 or 80 or 90. I hope that when my time comes, it will be a bit smooth sailing for my only daughter and if by then she has her own family. I don't wannna burden them the way I experience now with my own mom. ~~ The best way to increase the odds of a parent accepting help later in life is by starting end-of-life conversations early, and long before health and rational thinking start to deteriorate. When a parent's "Third Act" wishes have been discussed openly for years (and documented with living wills, trusts, durable powers of attorney for Health and Financial, etc.), when the time comes, the transition is less traumatic.

Good question-Check out the situation where your Mom is---and DO NOT tell her you will be there---also check the refridge for food...I went thru this as well-to find out I was told, by phone, all is going smooth---Seeing is believing-Mom had Alzheimer's (early Stage)
Best to you on your caregiving jouirney
Hap

This all sounds like a nightmare to me. IF the parent(s) are willing to hand over Power of Attorney and all the other stuff that is required THEN you might have a shot. IF they are unwilling to do this even in their sane years - you might have a struggle and a shot. You cannot force anyone in most circumstances to do anything. I personally would walk away after trying EVERYTHING--all legal & medical steps. My friend had to do this after loosing her job, marriage, house and neglecting her kids-time wise. She could not even take care of herself anymore. After, she lost everything-she finally walked away. Although they may act like children, they are not and if all our ducks are not in order-chances are not good. Prayers to those suffering under these circumstances.

This all sounds like a nightmare to me. IF the parent(s) are willing to hand over Power of Attorney and all the other stuff that is required THEN you might have a shot. IF they are unwilling to do this even in their sane years - you might have a struggle and a shot. You cannot force anyone in most circumstances to do anything,. I personally would walk away after trying EVERYTHING--all legal & medical steps. This is what my friend had to do after loosing her marriage, job, house and neglecting her children-time wise. Her whole life crumbled because of trying & taking in a crazy sick mother-thus she walked away-she could no longer take care of herself and her kids. Don't let this happen to you. Although they may act like children, they are not and if all our ducks are not in perfect order in perfect circumstances-chances are not good. Prayers to those suffering under these situations.

Well, she has been tested by psychiatrists, psychologists, and has a special geriatric physician overseeing it all. They say she does not have dementia. They do think she should move to assisted living but I don't think that we are at the point where I can take legal measures to make it happen.

My sister thinks we should take the "tough love' tactic right now. Don't do much for her for a while and let her see how much she depends on us to do a variety of things. I KNOW that once my daughter moves out she will feel very lonely there. Since she and I had an unpleasant discussion on Sunday and I'm needing a break from her anyhow (and told my daughter to keep me posted) I guess it's a good time for that.

Dance

Bigsister is so right on this. My dad is exactly the same way. He can still fool people who don't know him, or spend any length of time talking to him. He still thinks he can do everything for himself, when he can barely walk. If I don't put a glass of water in front of him, he will dehydrate and not even know it. He thinks he is perfectly fine, and everyone else has the problem. Never would ask for help in all the years either, very independent. He is losing everything, his house, his cognitive ability, his control over his whole life. I now am legally able to make all of his decisions for him, since he can't manage his finances or health. This took me many months to accomplish, since outside help was lacking, and I am the only child. If your mom has dementia, you WILL have to get guardianship and conservatorship in order to protect and look after her best interests. Good luck dancetoday, it's a rough road, hope some of us can help you out with some helpful advice. Take care.

Hi Bigsister,

Thanks for your comments. I didn't want to post anything TOO long. But she has been tested pretty extensively at a geriatric center connected with our research hospital. They said she had some memory loss but it was normal for her age and that there were no signs of dementia. Just as depression is a sign of dementia, depression can also cause memory problems and confused thinking. I think that is more what is going on with my mother. I can tell when she is down on the phone just by her speech. When she is more depressed it is slower, sometimes words are even slurred. I've been told this is not uncommon in older people and can be a symptom of medication problems. I've tried to ask and see if she is taking all of her medicine ok, and she seems to be. She has it in little daily bin things for morning and evening. She told me the other day that she sometimes "forgets" the Vitamin D because it is last and she's taken so many others.

I can understand what you are saying about being Daddy's little girls. My mother still treats me like a child at times. She tries to tell me how to drive, where to turn ("her" way, which is always better than "my" way when there are different route options), what to do with my kids, job, life in general.

Dancetoday

Depression is a symptom of dementia and should be investigated. If her primary care physician is not familiar with geriatric issues, perhaps he/she would recommend (or you could find) - a geriatric psychiatrist. They can do tests that show a person's dementia, even if they are able to carry on a conversation and make sense. My Dad is very "high functioning" and can fool people who are not trained in dementia discovery. Consequently, now that he's not able to stay by himself anymore, my sister and I are getting static from my Dad's attorney and a couple of his neighbors who "think he's fine".

Fortunately, the probate court judge will depend on experts who know their business and will use their input to make appropriate decisions. My sister and I are now petitioning for guardianship because my Dad also "thinks he's fine" due to his dementia, but he has no safety cognizance and can't recognize his limitations. He had Power of Attorney for my sister and I for his financial and medical issues, but it was revokable so when we tried to make sure he was safe, he got mad at us and revoked them. You can argue until you're blue in the face, but someone with dementia is "not convinceable". Doesn't matter how you explain it.

It's been extremely difficult trying to "discuss" anything because we were always Daddy's little girls and he was the fiercely independent man. He'd never even ask our opinion on anything, let alone that now we were going to "tell him" to do anything he didn't want to do.

This is an extremely hard journey. Nobody here will tell you any different. But you will know when it's time to make certain desisions. Steel yourself to the fact that you aren't going to please your Mom. Just do what you know if right in your heart.

Many of us on the journey. We are surviving, though sometimes it's harder than others. I'm not going to hold my breath that Dad will understand and thank us anytime soon. Bigsister

My mother is still living at home but my daughter (23) has been living in her basement for 2 years and going to college and helps out sometimes. Mainly, it is someone else in the house in case there is an emergency. My daughter has called me to come over, like late at night when my mother had fallen out of bed and couldn't get up or when she was having an attack of gout and wanted to go to the ER. At times my mom still thinks pretty clearly and functions ok, although her arthritis and weight make her mobility pretty lousy. But I know that when my daughter moves out my mother is going to fall apart. She already gets very depressed sometimes and last time my daughter was gone for a weekend, my mom called me up within two hours of when my daughter left and said she was lonely and could I pick up some dinner for us and come over. My sister was in town visiting recently and we tried to get mom to tell us some things that could be different to help her when my daughter moves out. We feel that she either needs to move to assisted living (early spring she was going to do this but keep her house to move back to when she needed more care...go figure) or to get more help at home. She won't agree to plan anything now. She is very resistant to being told what to do. If we get too pushy she will balk like a two year old and say "I'M the one that is going to decide this. And I am not going to do anything right now."

I don't think I could get guardianship or anything legal because she can still carry on a good conversation and make sense if she perks up and makes an effort.

Dancetoday

Dear carolsmom, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a mess. It's bad enough with just one loved one to care for, but two. You need some help. Can your mom or brother afford to pay for someone to come in and help out? Sounds like you might need to place them in a nursing or assisted living facility. Do you have other siblings, or family members to help out. Don't know your story, but you definately need some help and advice. We are here for you.

i have one brother that is disabled. he is 55 and i not only have to take care of my elderly mom but my brother. i am 54 and they both make my life miserable. i am divorced and have given up working to care for them both. they refuse to move to smaller homes, they live separate and i am litterly working myself into the grave. i have had to give up my job, as there is no way that i can work and deal with their constant emergencies., they both are angry with me, resent that i help them and i do not have anyone to help me. they want to be left alone and do not want help and i have tried that but then there is an emergency with one or both and i am taking to doctors, trying to figure out what bills are paid or not paid. i am at wits end. what should i do:

I would get legal advice immediately. In order to list the house you're going to have to sign an agreement with a realtor.

Otherwise you could be liable for money. In Canada, you risk legal action if someone doesn't think you are acting in the best interests of your mother!

Do you have her Power Of Attorney?