out of three brothers and two girls, I was the one who helped my dad. the others tried occassionally to help out but it wasn't enough. my beef is more with my dad, he is gone now but at the time, he questioned why my name was on the check book along with his name, (my one brother put it there bc no one had time to do my father's bills). i didn't need his money bc I did well myself yet my father asked me if I was taking any from him??? a few other times, my sister wanted to get some things done and my father was willing to give her the money, i asked for a loan which i would have paid back within two weeks, he said NO! my older brother gave me the money and I paid him within two weeks. I did alot for my father and yet I was ignored.. in the end a few months before his death he asked me why i was helping him... I told him bc he helped me when my daughter was born - it was then that he said, " I love you" he never said that ever before! so in my heart i forgave these other incidences - do the best you can to help your parents, in the end you will be the one who is rewarded, remember though to take time for you. if you can't get help from the sibs then get help with aides. God Bless you
I moved my parents to an assisted living facility 5 minutes from me. Their health was frail and Dad passed last September. My Mother is bedridden and on oxygen full time.
I won’t have to worry about my siblings because they haven't shown up for one holiday including Mothers Day. I do have a sister who comes every couple of months for a few days and she came for a Birthday.
I do a brunch and bring it to my Mom and I always make a special meal for Birthdays and Holidays.
I do get lots of advice on how to handle things and I ignore it. It is often hard for me to hold my tongue. I am tired after all these years which included cleaning out their home (severe hoarders) selling the home, paying bills, hospitalizations and two parents on Hospice at the same time.
I have had to go over most days since they moved down because of their health needs and because they were on Hospice etc. the aides are wonderful but their are 140 residents so they cant provide the attention my Mom needs and that my Dad needed.
thanks for this article, knowing I am not alone in dealing with difficult siblings makes me not feel so alone
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love the line "it's enough to make a saint swear." When I was selling my mother's house (with no help from complaining mother and siblings) and had to get their approval for a sale, we lost the first sale because they didn't respond to my emails. (They never answer their phones, so I don't even call anymore.) Then when I did swear in a couple emails after the sale was lost (e.g. "Why the f didn't you answer me" - only the f spelled out), they called me crass and said "no wonder we don't respond to you." My sister after ONE email like that told me she put a block on her emails so anything with swear words would be blocked.
I tried politeness, sweetness etc - none of that ever worked. You can only be pushed so far and then you break. The loss of that house sale meant I had to keep preparing the house for showings (vacuuming the entire place with my bad back, never leaving dirty dishes, keeping my personal stuff in the car - my siblings threatened to sue me if I didn't get top price so I tried to make the house look perfect), leave in the snowy cold to hang out until the showings were done and continue to put my life on hold while my realtor yelled (yes, yelled - she realized my mother and siblings were against me so she joined the pack wanting to sell below market price just to make a quick buck) at me for losing the sale.
Then the niece I'd spent a decade baby sitting and spoiling got married and didn't invite me "because of the way [I] acted during the house sale." I was heartbroken, but now I see they are all users and abusers. I'm still not recovered mentally or physically from the nightmare.
And my mother still complains about me selling the house - something she asked me for years to do. I found her a beautiful condo to live in, nicer than anywhere I've ever lived, and now (since I put my belongings in storage to help her - the two months turned into two nightmare years) I am staying in my ex husband's (there's a reason I divorced him - he's a narcissist like my mother) one bedroom apartment until I can figure out where to go. Mentally I've given up all hope on a life for me to figure it out.
Yes, this is a ridiculously long rant. I'm somewhat suicidal so just ignore the post.
Livlifelrg, I'm so glad that the article helped. It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things now, so I hope you can get this all cemented in with your siblings for a good year. You are standing up for yourself, which is what is needed. Have a lovely Christmas. Carol
Goodness!! Did I EVER need to read this article today. In four days it will be Christmas Eve and 27 of our family members will arrive at Mom and my house. I made it clear that everyone had to bring a dish and be responsible for cleaning and taking their dishes back home with them. I made it clear that I was going to enjoy their company this year and not be a slave to the kitchen. It frees me up to take care of Mom too, as I believe she and my sibs are more comfortable with it that way. Another thing I did this year was invite them to pick a weekend or week to come to town to stay with her, while I visited friends. I indicated that there was availability throughout the year and to choose whatever worked for them. I told them the alternative was a respite in a nursing home, which didn't work the time we tried that. Of the three of them, two responded and understand my need for this time. I think that's a decent response. I love taking care of her, but I miss the spontaneity I used to enjoy. Everyone hang in there and know this forum is a valuable sounding board.
My parent's chose to stay home. I'm a retired nurse. The part that I find missing is education on caring for your elderly parents. The practical. Especially, when it comes closer to the end. Even with hospice care, I was not given training on turning, giving meds to someone unconscious, turning, bed bathes etc. Now as a nurse I knew what to do, but it worries me that many don't know how to do these things. Yes hospice is a phone call away and could be miles away. Who is educating caregivers in these situations I wonder....
I have had some problems with my husband's children - from their scheduling hostile interventions with me to completely ignoring their father because they can't handle the fact that he is not like he used to be. It's hard for them to understand what it means to spend 24 hours a day with his dementia and that it is hard for the caregiver, too.
I have no family, what little was there alienated themselves decades and decades ago. (@55 years); good riddance. So, there are no problems now. Just hope some goody two shoe distant doesn't decide to explore the family tree and come looking me up.
Wow! This is like deja vu. I left my long time life in the West and went back to the Midwest and ended up living with and caring for my folks. It was OK for a while, but my Dad ended up in a nursing home w/ dementia. I quit work and visited every day. When me & Mom were alone in the house I went back to work but quit again as she got more disabled. Mind you I have 6 siblings, one in the same town. One bought a house and took over the bills- a huge deal, but the rest just popped in every so often. Finally after 11 years I realized she would be much better off in AS and I wasn't getting any younger. I wrote an email- probably pretty harsh in retrospect- and said Mother was going into AS and I was going back West. All he** broke loose but I stuck to my guns. I compromised on the AS place I liked and she moved into a nice place. I moved almost immediately afterwards and the local sister is now the caregiver although that involves visiting and shopping a few times a week, not 24/7 care I was giving. I have regained my life and don't really care that I seldom hear from my sibs. I was never very good at "nice" conversation and have paid a price for that but I am not willing to pay with my whole later life because I can't get my sibs to see the situation my way. I don't recommend it but sometimes getting clear about the real situation and the real effects on the elderly person AND the caregiver can give some clarity about what should be done and who should do it. I'm sure most caregivers would say, "I didn't think it would last THAT long." I didn't think so either and I'm back where I belong and Mother is too.
Happy Holidays! Hope everyone gets a break this winter.
Always mKes me sad to hear l those stories, but yes it would be so much easier on us caregivers if: lead, follow or get to hell out of the way! Happy Thanksgiving to all! :)
Loved the article...right on! When I first noticed that there was something wrong with Mum, DUH, I asked my siblings for help (2 brothers). Useless. One told me he would take over the bill paying, he did not. The other lived 3 hours away, in the good days, rarely came to visit and was very patronizing with this comments, "You are doing such a good job." I asked him repeatedly to call and visit even suggesting if he had a girlfriend out of state he would be there every week. He laughed. After I gave up the anger, I decided I had to do this myself without their support. A big stipulation was that there wives should not come near me with suggestions etc. I chugged along for 10 years doing what I needed to do and some of the situations were horrific. I cleaned out the house, sold the house, looked at assisted living where she remained for 2 years before they unceremoniously kicked her out, memory care, hospitalizations, dentist and doctor appointments. She died in Feb. 2015 and the 3 hour man did a lot of boohooing. Our relationship is cordial but fragile. The anger is pretty much disspated but as I told both their wives, "Thank God my brothers found strangers to marry." My inlaws had no clue so I explained that if they knew they as I do I would not be the only single person. Hopefully, they will treat their wives better than they treated their mother if the time ever comes. Mum needs to take some of the blame for their behavior.
Thanks Castle. I too thought that the article was informative and helpful. I used to live an hour from my mom. I was one of those people who was "out of the loop" because of the distance between us but I made the hour drive as often as I could to help out in any way I could. I made it a point to call my mom twice a week. The frustration was that my siblings complained about what they "had" to do from her which was the bare minimum. They were willing to put her in a nursing facility in a heartbeat...I promised mom that I wouldn't do that so that's why she's living with us. It's like they've washed their hands of her. It's like I don't know them anymore.
Thinking about Bbear4mom's post - sibs who used to live nearby, but now you're involved, and they have moved away and don't help. I appreciate first of all, how well you expressed it - "I feel angry, frustrated, abandoned and scared." Maybe you might put those words down on a card to them - but first think of what might help, assuming that you will do the lion's share, since you are now living with your mom. Strikes me that many siblings don't like the feeling of not knowing what's going on, compared to another sib who does. Kind of like people who can't dance, don't like to be in a situation where they might be compared to people who do. It's confusing and uncomfortable, and since they don't know how to do limited things, they don't come at all. The article was good, in that it suggests saying every good thing possible about siblings goodwill, and then giving them a list of things you'd like help with, and asking them if there are some they would do. Good luck!
Before my mom moved in with my husband and I my siblings lived and worked only 10 minutes away. Now they live 3 hours away. My issue with them is not that they're coming up for the holidays it's that they won't be coming up. They're relieved that they no longer have to do anything for our mom - out of sight out of mind. They rarely call unless there's an issue with her bills or insurance. They don't touch base with us and barely respond to my emails. I've asked them to ask our mom to visit with them so that my husband and I could have a break. I received no response. I feel angry, frustrated, abandoned and scared. I also feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thank goodness for my husband who has been making endless calls as well as setting up her lifeline and cardiac alarm system. I'm just worried that my husband and I won't have any time to ourselves and that we'll begin to resent my mom for that. I'm already resenting my siblings and not feeling good about that at all.
Fortunately, I don't have to deal any sibling criticism during the holidays. I NEVER see or hear from my sister (only sibling). I simply reply to my mother's wondering that her daughter may not call, again for Christmas. Wasn't it nice though, that sis sent the annual $25 gift basket of food she's been told repeatedly that Mom can't eat? Last visit from my sister was 3 years ago. She lives about 3-1/2 hours away and Mom keeps thinking if she comes, she'll stay in her old bedroom. NOT! Sis chooses to stay in a hotel. The last time she came, I got cornered after only 15 minutes to assure sis that Mom's financials were in order. Truth is, Mom doesn't have much and I hide my personal expenses towards Mom's welfare while my sister and her husband share two 6-figure pensions and haven't picked up the tab for anything. As I only recently became my mother's caregiver, I found a county caregivers group which opened my eyes to the fact that most siblings "suck" when it comes to sharing the load. The silly part of all this is that I love my mom enough to give up some things in my life and I still love my sister. Go figure!
I used to think when I was much younger, that sibling(s) should have a lifelong relationship, but I have changed my opinion. My opinion now is if sibling(s) have difficult personalities, criticize and refuse to help with caregiving (if they live in the area and have the time) that it is fine not to keep in touch with them as the years pass.
I read all of the comments first and then read the article. I want to say I only have my brother....and based on this article and most of the comments, I am one of the luckiest people on this site. My father is the main caregiver with me as his right-hand person on a daily basis. He will be 86 and my mom who is in end stage Alzheimers, will be 92 in January. My brother lives in Colorado with his family and we live in NY. He has been coming out to help with everything just about every 3 to 5 WEEKS. He is responsible for all the heavy work around the house and my dad and I take care of Mama. My brother will be the executor of the will and I'm good with that. Somehow we have been able to be each others support and the 3 of us have become closer through all of this, and I am smart enough to know how blessed we are!
My older brother made the mistake of giving me advice after watching me change bedridden mom's pamper without helping. He had the nerve to tell how to do it. I immediately stopped cleaning mom's bottom, turned to him and snapped, "Do you want to take over?" And I stood there waiting for him to answer. My siblings know that I don't bluff. If he had jokingly said, "yes.", I would have immediately taken off my gloves and walk away. He had this shocked look when I asked him that. He mutely shook his head no. After that, he never offered an advice when it came to mom. sigh.. I have been here, watched the govt caregivers sponge bath mom for over 20 years. He has never taken care of a bedridden person. Until you're willing to get down and dirty and Do the Deed, then don't tell me what I should or should not do. I'm truly open to my siblings' 'expertise' if they are willing to Do it and not just verbalize it. Action speaks louder than words.
I hope my frustrated complaint didn't throw off too many people - I was focused on my own struggles at the moment, looking at translating my skills to a broader world.
I did find the article was helpful in identifying the way to approach distant sibs - I guess when people are far away, or not regularly involved, they are ignorant of what's going on, and maybe they don't feel they have the skills, and maybe they don't. But there is always some way to be helpful, and if the caregiver doesn't know what to ask for, then send a card or a small gift to her - any support for her helps, and helps the relationship between sibs. My sister in law sent me her beautifully knit uses sweaters one year - they were treasures, and i was so relieved to not feel forgotten by my family. And if family come to give respite, work out a list of routines, and ASK about the worst case scenario - may not happen, but it's terrible if it does, and you're not the regular caregiver, so you're pretty lost.
So it's really important and valuable to both caregiver and elder - that they try. If they're not involved regularly, then ask what would be helpful. Set ANY kind of routine that continues contact, weekly or monthly, but make it a routine, for the caregiver feels so much better if someone is thinking of her, rather than only the patient. She is already doing all she can to help the patient, and the best thing to do, is look out for ways to help her,, starting with be in contact. If the call doesn't go well, don't give up, keep in touch - when we are estranged from each other, it often goes wrong before we realize what we need to say to correct it. Put it in writing is the key, and mail the writing - of things that need doing and why. Only problem is, caregivers get so used to rushing to keep the patient safe and healthy as possible, that sitting down and writing, seems like one more overwhelming task. But it really does help, to pause and think, what kind of help would make me feel better? And try to write that, expect no the first time, but over time, it becomes more familiar to the sibs, and if we can pause from renewing arguments in every conversation - we can allow the non-caregiving sib to change. I was so grateful when my older brother finally visited and saw the great setup I had arranged for disabled brother, and he also saw the route I drive to carry stuff up to him and he has been more understanding ever since, even if some of his understanding is still bossy without knowledge at times.
I've read Page One. I'm not sure I can go on - my blood pressure is through the roof and I've got a nervous tic under one eye. This is a tribute to the author's insight, by the way.
This article is great, it really highlights so many issues - like siblings who are not involved all along, have no idea how many issues come up and how much time is needed. And it's hard for the local caregiver to know what help she needs because the situation changes gradually, and we adapt and problem solve issue by issue, each one complex. I read the old comments, and read Msdiva's story and pain that when she turned the care over to her family, the father got pneumonia and died within a few weeks and she was devastated. I've found that to be true as well - it TAKES local, ongoing attention to handle increasing fragility well. As a caregiver for elders, but trained by caring for my disabled brother, so I notice details and safeguard their risks pre-emptively - then family would come and I'd be off, and elder would get sick or fall.
I'm going through a really difficult time now, with my brother finally in nursing home, and me knowing that I have strong skills for noting and promptly addressing issues - I find it challenging to look for a paid job in training others, not caregiving. My skills were learned so informally, I don't remember all the issues, and asking for help with an image and job shift is still confusing to me. Then I meet with someone leading projects I want to join, and what does he do? He chats and flirts with the younger girl who knows nothing but is charming. I had even told her that I was hoping for time to talk with him but she never stopped telling stories and telling of some of her skills, so he asked her information, but when I protested that I wanted to talk with him, he said he knew of someone to refer me to. Caregivers who hope to work later, should have their skills identified and listed by professionals - like mobility risk awareness, flexible and effective intervention skills - I'd like to do some training for police, who seek control instead of situational persuasion, and end up with a conflict. I find it a challenge to live in a society where so many people think they know what is the right thing to do, and speak up, just like the siblings in the article, and as mine did years back - but too few are like me, with hands on years of experience..
The author nailed it! The key is writing it down. My step-siblings rarely helped out but about once a month I sent a group e-mail going over everything I had done for our parents, any important financial or medical decisions and why, and ending each message with, "and if there's anything you want to change, e-mail me right away." In three years I never got a return e-mail. When it was time to pack Mom's things after she passed away, I mentioned how valuable some of the items were and boom, everyone was on the plane to help me.
Anger at your siblings will not help. It is natural to be angry and resentful when people abuse you. However by responding with anger to their bad behaviour you are giving them power over your happiness. You are giving them power. Do not accept that your peace is disrupted by someone else, you are in charge of your peace.
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Handling Sibling Criticism During the Holidays
I won’t have to worry about my siblings because they haven't shown up for one holiday including Mothers Day. I do have a sister who comes every couple of months for a few days and she came for a Birthday.
I do a brunch and bring it to my Mom and I always make a special meal for Birthdays and Holidays.
I do get lots of advice on how to handle things and I ignore it. It is often hard for me to hold my tongue. I am tired after all these years which included cleaning out their home (severe hoarders) selling the home, paying bills, hospitalizations and two parents on Hospice at the same time.
I have had to go over most days since they moved down because of their health needs and because they were on Hospice etc. the aides are wonderful but their are 140 residents so they cant provide the attention my Mom needs and that my Dad needed.
thanks for this article, knowing I am not alone in dealing with difficult siblings makes me not feel so alone
Carol
I tried politeness, sweetness etc - none of that ever worked. You can only be pushed so far and then you break. The loss of that house sale meant I had to keep preparing the house for showings (vacuuming the entire place with my bad back, never leaving dirty dishes, keeping my personal stuff in the car - my siblings threatened to sue me if I didn't get top price so I tried to make the house look perfect), leave in the snowy cold to hang out until the showings were done and continue to put my life on hold while my realtor yelled (yes, yelled - she realized my mother and siblings were against me so she joined the pack wanting to sell below market price just to make a quick buck) at me for losing the sale.
Then the niece I'd spent a decade baby sitting and spoiling got married and didn't invite me "because of the way [I] acted during the house sale." I was heartbroken, but now I see they are all users and abusers. I'm still not recovered mentally or physically from the nightmare.
And my mother still complains about me selling the house - something she asked me for years to do. I found her a beautiful condo to live in, nicer than anywhere I've ever lived, and now (since I put my belongings in storage to help her - the two months turned into two nightmare years) I am staying in my ex husband's (there's a reason I divorced him - he's a narcissist like my mother) one bedroom apartment until I can figure out where to go. Mentally I've given up all hope on a life for me to figure it out.
Yes, this is a ridiculously long rant. I'm somewhat suicidal so just ignore the post.
Now as a nurse I knew what to do, but it worries me that many don't know how to do these things. Yes hospice is a phone call away and could be miles away.
Who is educating caregivers in these situations I wonder....
I was never very good at "nice" conversation and have paid a price for that but I am not willing to pay with my whole later life because I can't get my sibs to see the situation my way. I don't recommend it but sometimes getting clear about the real situation and the real effects on the elderly person AND the caregiver can give some clarity about what should be done and who should do it. I'm sure most caregivers would say, "I didn't think it would last THAT long." I didn't think so either and I'm back where I belong and Mother is too.
Happy Holidays! Hope everyone gets a break this winter.
Take care,
Carol
I chugged along for 10 years doing what I needed to do and some of the situations were horrific. I cleaned out the house, sold the house, looked at assisted living where she remained for 2 years before they unceremoniously kicked her out, memory care, hospitalizations, dentist and doctor appointments.
She died in Feb. 2015 and the 3 hour man did a lot of boohooing. Our relationship is cordial but fragile. The anger is pretty much disspated but as I told both their wives, "Thank God my brothers found strangers to marry." My inlaws had no clue so I explained that if they knew they as I do I would not be the only single person. Hopefully, they will treat their wives better than they treated their mother if the time ever comes. Mum needs to take some of the blame for their behavior.
I did find the article was helpful in identifying the way to approach distant sibs - I guess when people are far away, or not regularly involved, they are ignorant of what's going on, and maybe they don't feel they have the skills, and maybe they don't. But there is always some way to be helpful, and if the caregiver doesn't know what to ask for, then send a card or a small gift to her - any support for her helps, and helps the relationship between sibs. My sister in law sent me her beautifully knit uses sweaters one year - they were treasures, and i was so relieved to not feel forgotten by my family. And if family come to give respite, work out a list of routines, and ASK about the worst case scenario - may not happen, but it's terrible if it does, and you're not the regular caregiver, so you're pretty lost.
So it's really important and valuable to both caregiver and elder - that they try. If they're not involved regularly, then ask what would be helpful. Set ANY kind of routine that continues contact, weekly or monthly, but make it a routine, for the caregiver feels so much better if someone is thinking of her, rather than only the patient. She is already doing all she can to help the patient, and the best thing to do, is look out for ways to help her,, starting with be in contact. If the call doesn't go well, don't give up, keep in touch - when we are estranged from each other, it often goes wrong before we realize what we need to say to correct it. Put it in writing is the key, and mail the writing - of things that need doing and why. Only problem is, caregivers get so used to rushing to keep the patient safe and healthy as possible, that sitting down and writing, seems like one more overwhelming task. But it really does help, to pause and think, what kind of help would make me feel better? And try to write that, expect no the first time, but over time, it becomes more familiar to the sibs, and if we can pause from renewing arguments in every conversation - we can allow the non-caregiving sib to change. I was so grateful when my older brother finally visited and saw the great setup I had arranged for disabled brother, and he also saw the route I drive to carry stuff up to him and he has been more understanding ever since, even if some of his understanding is still bossy without knowledge at times.
I'm going through a really difficult time now, with my brother finally in nursing home, and me knowing that I have strong skills for noting and promptly addressing issues - I find it challenging to look for a paid job in training others, not caregiving. My skills were learned so informally, I don't remember all the issues, and asking for help with an image and job shift is still confusing to me. Then I meet with someone leading projects I want to join, and what does he do? He chats and flirts with the younger girl who knows nothing but is charming. I had even told her that I was hoping for time to talk with him but she never stopped telling stories and telling of some of her skills, so he asked her information, but when I protested that I wanted to talk with him, he said he knew of someone to refer me to. Caregivers who hope to work later, should have their skills identified and listed by professionals - like mobility risk awareness, flexible and effective intervention skills - I'd like to do some training for police, who seek control instead of situational persuasion, and end up with a conflict. I find it a challenge to live in a society where so many people think they know what is the right thing to do, and speak up, just like the siblings in the article, and as mine did years back - but too few are like me, with hands on years of experience..