Regarding "Elder Abuse," my 91 year old mother is violent and viciously verbally abusive towards ME, and I have the scars to prove it, for instance, where she BIT a chunk out of the soft, fleshy side of my hand when I tried to push her away from me.
She is also paranoid, and while I've been very sick in bed (which I can only attribute to the stress of living with her, trying to get live-ins for her, while I deal with the court case her co-op has brought against her for cluttering her apartment, and try to find a professional organizer to clear this place out so an agency will allow their employee to work here - it's A LOT of stress!) she spent the week standing in the doorway, hollering at me for having "stolen" her house keys, her car keys, and her credit card case (she loses these things regularly in the clutter). In RETALIATION I discovered last night she had taken boxes of my things out of my room while I was sleeping off the virus, and put them in the building's trash room. I've been too sick to notice, and I'm not entirely sure which of my belongings are gone forever.
Now, when this 91 year old mad whirlwind of a lady was hospitalized in 2022 with extreme hypertension, she was so violent (biting, kicking, screaming) on admission, five orderlies had to subdue her, and they gave her two shots of antipsychotic Haldol and a shot of a benzodiazepine sedative before she quieted. That's a lot of tranquilizer.
Now, here is the most troubling part: the resident doctors acted as if her bizarre and violent behavior was insignificant, regardless how many examples I offered of her regular attacks on me. Then, her personal physician told me the doctors were searching in earnest (in vain) for signs I was abusing her!
I asked him on what basis they could possibly be looking for evidence I was abusing her? He responded it's laziness, substituting for the practice of good medicine, latching onto a faddish notion, rather than practicing the old fashioned Scientific Method, following where the plain evidence leads. He, too, was disgusted.
I understand that rage and violence are characteristic of dementias, but I think too much is made of elder abuse without context. First, that abused elder may be a hellion to deal with, like my mother, and not only does it take great restraint not to strike back, sometimes a caregiver has to push the attacking senior away, as I have--and risk a bite, fingernails dug so hard into flesh to make puncture wounds, bruised shins, and so on. Of abused seniors, how many are provoking the violence? It's not as if white hair transforms a difficult woman into a sweet little old lady.
And there needs to be more talk about a senior with or without dementia who themselves are verbally vicious and violent, and how caregivers can cope. Not only has my mother been nasty to me, she has been nasty to her neighbors, hence the lawsuit by the co-op. It's a huge mess I'm trying to cope with, from my mother's hostility to the hostility of the co-op board president and the co-op's lawyers, and it's absolutely the other side of the coin of the popular story of the poor, hapless elder.
We need to talk about this huge problem of managing psychically unstable seniors!!
Omg, this is all so indicative of what I have been going through with my 81 Mother recently diagnosed with dementia. The guilt, frustration and anger one feels trying so hard to help, yet being cussed and pushed away. Mine hasn’t contacted me in over a month, can’t remember one hour to the next what she has done but evidently remembers she doesn’t want my help. Sadly I have a friend that tries to keep up with her daily, giving medication and driving her to the doctor. We have a small efficiency apt rented close to her as 7 hour drive time and many weeks in a hotel runs into money. APS is the next step, as much as I hate to relinquish her care into the hands of others, it is apparent she and I would be best if I do. Didn’t see this coming with the pandemic and the distance, just knew her unusual personality was getting odder by the day. I pray daily for guidance and God’s timing that along with supportive friends and groups such as this have been my Ali’s , therapy may be in my future as this does effect my emotions as well.
Very accurate article. And some elders are very good at concealing the clues. My late father (whose daughter and son in law lived right next door) used to pay cash to the auto body shop in town, so that any dents could be banged out and scratches rubbed out/polished over, before he got home and parked in the shared driveway. We knew his driving was not good (nearly 87) but couldn't catch him at it. Nobody would go for a ride with him, or raise the issue. Didn't find out about the auto body repair strategy until a few months after he passed.
I'm now seeing problems with my husband's 92 year old mother. We asked that he be included when she updates her living trust. Her other son is the executor but my husband just learned lately that he is the backup (no one told him). When he asked to be present at the meeting with the new attorney his brother got her, she got huffy. He pointed out that if the other son died suddenly that he would need access to the trust. When he asked what county her trust is filed in, and the attorney's name she lost it, saying she can't remember the attorney's name. She then accused him of trying to get her money. We have told her multiple times that we don't need her money, and that she should go ahead and spend it on herself.
She also conceals her falls and issues from her daughter, and made me promise not to tell the other daughter of her memory issues and mishaps. I have done my best with this manipulative situation, but now I am angry seeing how she treats my husband. I have treated her like my own mother, taking her for holidays when the other kids wouldn't bother, etc. Now I see it was a complete waste of time. She treated my husband like he's irresponsible and undeserving of respect, as well as me. I am fed up and will treat her like she's his aunt instead of his mother. In other words, polite and that's it.
...and then after you have done all of the suggested steps plus some... after you have tried to talk to them about things like their safety, financial problems, end of life issues and they tell you it's not your business...after you have brought in elder care and set up services which they agree to at first but end up sabotaging...when they continue to put themselves at risk and expect you to make everything like it was before...then you let go and put them in Gods hands and get help for the guilt you are bound to feel.
Excellent initial article. Pbridges, I think involving adult protective services would be a good first move. They can at least tell you what legal options you have. To all those caregivers out there doing the best they know how, have you all thought about how you want your old age managed. I urge everyone to give this much thought and put in place legal documents nominating a reliable caregiver for yourself. Above all don't extract unrealistic promises from your children and other relatives. ie "promise you will never put me in a nursing home" Most people do not want to do this but a disabled daughter needing help herself has no choice. if she is in a wheelchair she may be able to drive and do shopping but she can't turn someone or get them out of bed. It just makes sense to consult an eldercare lawyer and name a POA. Many caregivers are already "elderly" themselves, given the ages of the parents they are taking care of so make time for this very important task and yes I have done it.
This article is so on target. It is especially difficult when the adult children live far away and don't have the opportunity to see how their parent is doing. Sometimes having a third party as intermediary can help (just like teenagers think their parents don't know anything, the elderly can think the worst of their own children).
1. They have bought long term health care insurance with some fine riders, but they are afraid for anyone to know because it might mean off to the assisted living or nursing home they go when they have been paying through the nose for riders like home health care and home builder care. Instead they hire someone cheap like my mom and step-dad did followed by the loss of money due to forgery which at first they did not want to believe.
2. Hiding past due taxes which they were great at from 2004 until a newer helper informed me of an IRS letter in 2009.
3. Hiding how sloppy their handling of bills are.
Step-siblings will sometimes hide these things from others as well.
Siblings like my mom's sister will not intervene by telling an adult child that taxes are not being paid which they then excuse as not being their place. Dam, my aunt sure is dumb!
These are the only ones which come to mind from my own experience which may or may not be like others, but this list of 10 does not apply.
I wish I could help you. I have the same problem except I never got to the point of being able to set up the electronic accounts. My 90 year old mother who is still quite functional in many ways "accused" me of "cheating" her at the point of preparing the accounts so I could make computer transfers so I stopped midstream and now who knows how she is paying anything if anything at all?? I stepped in only after she accused my younger and trustworthy sister of "stealing" which devastated us all. I, being the oldest was the last hope and now I too stand accused so I am sure the identify theft I caught earlier of over $6,000 continues. I am looking forward to reading the advice given to you because my mother has shut each of her only four daughters who care and love her unconditionally completely out of her life....hanging up when we call or very cold and brief uninviting us when we tell her we are coming to visit. I never dreamed my mother would "reject" each of us so vehemently given the loving care she used to give us all. It is very painful and dangerous because we all know she needs our "assistance and support" however she refuses to allow us into her life and when we "force" ourselves in she rants and raves to the extent others in her senior housing think we are causing her emotional harm. We've approached her doctor who "tried" to administer a dementia test at which point she went into a rage and refuses his care any longer. We feel helpless "watching her decline" and being so vunerable to outsiders but feel at a lost over next steps so I anxiously await a response to your question??
My question is the following: I transfer money into my mother's checking account each month, ( no check involved, just a com puter $$ transfer)and at least once per month she tells her neighbors I am taking that money OUT of her account, in essence stealing from her. I have ogn eover this again and again, having her do the math to porve there is more money not less money in her account after the transfer. She says she understands, and then calls the neighbor over to complain that I am STEALING from her again. How can I convince her otherwise and why does she distrust me so? No silbings to help me. I am also in the caregiving.I am very generous with my time, affection and money to make her happy.
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10 Secrets Elderly Parents Keep from Their Families
She is also paranoid, and while I've been very sick in bed (which I can only attribute to the stress of living with her, trying to get live-ins for her, while I deal with the court case her co-op has brought against her for cluttering her apartment, and try to find a professional organizer to clear this place out so an agency will allow their employee to work here - it's A LOT of stress!) she spent the week standing in the doorway, hollering at me for having "stolen" her house keys, her car keys, and her credit card case (she loses these things regularly in the clutter). In RETALIATION I discovered last night she had taken boxes of my things out of my room while I was sleeping off the virus, and put them in the building's trash room. I've been too sick to notice, and I'm not entirely sure which of my belongings are gone forever.
Now, when this 91 year old mad whirlwind of a lady was hospitalized in 2022 with extreme hypertension, she was so violent (biting, kicking, screaming) on admission, five orderlies had to subdue her, and they gave her two shots of antipsychotic Haldol and a shot of a benzodiazepine sedative before she quieted. That's a lot of tranquilizer.
Now, here is the most troubling part: the resident doctors acted as if her bizarre and violent behavior was insignificant, regardless how many examples I offered of her regular attacks on me. Then, her personal physician told me the doctors were searching in earnest (in vain) for signs I was abusing her!
I asked him on what basis they could possibly be looking for evidence I was abusing her? He responded it's laziness, substituting for the practice of good medicine, latching onto a faddish notion, rather than practicing the old fashioned Scientific Method, following where the plain evidence leads. He, too, was disgusted.
I understand that rage and violence are characteristic of dementias, but I think too much is made of elder abuse without context. First, that abused elder may be a hellion to deal with, like my mother, and not only does it take great restraint not to strike back, sometimes a caregiver has to push the attacking senior away, as I have--and risk a bite, fingernails dug so hard into flesh to make puncture wounds, bruised shins, and so on. Of abused seniors, how many are provoking the violence? It's not as if white hair transforms a difficult woman into a sweet little old lady.
And there needs to be more talk about a senior with or without dementia who themselves are verbally vicious and violent, and how caregivers can cope. Not only has my mother been nasty to me, she has been nasty to her neighbors, hence the lawsuit by the co-op. It's a huge mess I'm trying to cope with, from my mother's hostility to the hostility of the co-op board president and the co-op's lawyers, and it's absolutely the other side of the coin of the popular story of the poor, hapless elder.
We need to talk about this huge problem of managing psychically unstable seniors!!
My late father (whose daughter and son in law lived right next door) used to pay cash to the auto body shop in town, so that any dents could be banged out and scratches rubbed out/polished over, before he got home and parked in the shared driveway. We knew his driving was not good (nearly 87) but couldn't catch him at it. Nobody would go for a ride with him, or raise the issue.
Didn't find out about the auto body repair strategy until a few months after he passed.
She also conceals her falls and issues from her daughter, and made me promise not to tell the other daughter of her memory issues and mishaps. I have done my best with this manipulative situation, but now I am angry seeing how she treats my husband. I have treated her like my own mother, taking her for holidays when the other kids wouldn't bother, etc. Now I see it was a complete waste of time. She treated my husband like he's irresponsible and undeserving of respect, as well as me. I am fed up and will treat her like she's his aunt instead of his mother. In other words, polite and that's it.
Pbridges, I think involving adult protective services would be a good first move. They can at least tell you what legal options you have.
To all those caregivers out there doing the best they know how, have you all thought about how you want your old age managed. I urge everyone to give this much thought and put in place legal documents nominating a reliable caregiver for yourself. Above all don't extract unrealistic promises from your children and other relatives. ie "promise you will never put me in a nursing home" Most people do not want to do this but a disabled daughter needing help herself has no choice. if she is in a wheelchair she may be able to drive and do shopping but she can't turn someone or get them out of bed. It just makes sense to consult an eldercare lawyer and name a POA. Many caregivers are already "elderly" themselves, given the ages of the parents they are taking care of so make time for this very important task and yes I have done it.
1. They have bought long term health care insurance with some fine riders, but they are afraid for anyone to know because it might mean off to the assisted living or nursing home they go when they have been paying through the nose for riders like home health care and home builder care. Instead they hire someone cheap like my mom and step-dad did followed by the loss of money due to forgery which at first they did not want to believe.
2. Hiding past due taxes which they were great at from 2004 until a newer helper informed me of an IRS letter in 2009.
3. Hiding how sloppy their handling of bills are.
Step-siblings will sometimes hide these things from others as well.
Siblings like my mom's sister will not intervene by telling an adult child that taxes are not being paid which they then excuse as not being their place. Dam, my aunt sure is dumb!
These are the only ones which come to mind from my own experience which may or may not be like others, but this list of 10 does not apply.