I am wondering if there are books on being a grown but young adult grandchild of someone with alzheimer's that would be helpful at all to suggest to my eldest son or any online articles that would help to read that I could suggest that he read. If he didnt read them then so be it but I wonder if instead of just me I wondered if something with a little more insight into how his visit would benefit his grandfather or benefit him or me then maybe that would be the ticket. Sometimes you just have to hear it from someone else. I know there are books for 5 year olds but I can't imagine there aren't books on the family's role in alz care or NH care or a grandchild's role even for fun or visiting not for advocacy or care. If there aren't books there should be. Maybe even short stories like Chicken Soup series.

My father has alzheimer's & is in a skilled nursing facility. I wish that people in the community understood that being a caregiver for someone in a SNF can be just as time-consuming as having one at home, just in a different more frustrating way. There is not enough staff per patient unless you have them in a facility with Hiltons & Rockefellers. Since there is about one nurse per 25 patients & 2 aides per 25 patients (in a better home), the lesser homes have 1 nurse to about 50 patients you practically have to move into the home as a caregiver & if you are lucky you can come home at night to sleep. Otherwise there isn't enough one on one in the home for any number of mins so the patient is constantly in & out of hospital or declining to hospice rapidly due to lack of care. In my instance I have 2 sons locally that are married & my sons are the only grandchildren for both grandparents. They spend no time on the phone or visiting or helping support us the only children of our facilitated parents. As children they were babysat, doted on, entertained & housed in one case for 3 years by these grandparents that they ignore now. I do not understand the lack of care or concern or lack of visitation at the NHs & I have tried every trick in the book to meld one with the other to bring my father's spirits up but have taken a kick in the gut everytime. I an only assume it is their wives that are keeping them from their grandparents but I still don't understand the lack of wanting to speak to them some. They do not visit my MIL who is 101 in an ALF locally either. It is not that they are partying too much or working too much either. They are at home playing video games instead. I have tried offering to be at the NH at the same time they visit to make it easier on them. I have tried offering to meet them somewhere where I bring Grandfather to. All to no avail. They seem to not want to be reminded of his age or alzheimer's. To me it is incredibly selfish. And the only real lasting pain being caused by this is mine as it is a clear reminder of my own future being dumped in a home without care or visitation. That is the cruelest part of all. Of course oddly one of the boys still speaks to me even though I ask for help that gets rejected.

Any tips on what to try would mean the world to me.

Reading these wonderful stories has helped me so much. I just recently moved from Pa. to NC to be near my oldest son and his children. Two are teenagers. I am in the process of moving my 92 year old Mom from Phila. to NC to live with us as well. I have been debating what to do. Should she live with me and my husband or be in assisted living close by. I didn't want to impose on my adult children and grandchildren to help with her care. NOW...I realize that is wrong and quite stupid. Thanks for the comforting advice. I have heeded it and taken it to heart. Elaine Steinbacher, Kannapolis, NC

My sister and I have always been close to my grandmother, she was our second caregiver after my mom, and there is a tremendous amount of mutual respect and affection between us. As my grandmother has aged and needed more support my sister and I have taken on a lot of the caregiving duties, just as a matter of course, cooking, shopping, gardening and MD appts, it just seemed like the thing to do. This provided my sister and I with a sense of usefulness, and family connection that many in our generation seem to lack. Additionally, as we have moved into our twenties, through school, and into jobs, Grandma has always been able to provide us with a warm meal, a warm bed and good people to be with. Now that I am in nursing school and grandma needs more hands on care to manage her meals and medications, I am able to live with her, and care for her without sacrificing her dignity, and she feels (rightfully so) that the house she worked so hard for, and the savings she built up so carefully have a purpose beyond herself.
I feel so sad for people who are not given the opportunity to bond with their grandparents, forget family history, caring for a failing elder teaches compassion, patience and love, and a sense of community and strength.

I am a caregiver to my father for the last 5 1/2 yrs. Recently he developed pnemonia and congestive heart failure and was hospitalized for 3 + weeks. My sons, 35 and 30, took turns being at the hospital, talked with him, watched movies with him and helped with his physical therapy and dressing and bathing him. My oldest posted pictures of Dad's great granddaughters in the room and had them make cards for him. They have always been close to him, but this only enriched their relationship and brought it to a new dimension. It also helped encourage him to do the things he needed to to to get better. Now that he is home, he is weak but recovered, and I am positive that their love and caring brought him back to the comforts of his own home and family again.

Celia

The difference between USA and other countries' and other cultures' interaction between elderly people and everyone else is part of the brainwashing of the "youth is good" cult of advertisements. For the most part, families in the USA don't consist of more than two generations and even these are often fairly isolated from one another.

But I have always had my maternal in the house when I was growing up. It was like having three parents sometimes. It was a positive experience. I don't have children, but I have nieces and nephews and we still have family gatherings at my mother's house (she has Alzheimer's and I am her primary family caregiver living with her since June 2006). Though it would be nice if the grandkids came over more at least they do come (and wear her out a little - they are all 14 to 19-almost-20). And she enjoys it.

Reading about the involvement of grandchildren with their grandparents is so heart warming. My children, now 35 and 38, were close to their grandparents when they were children. Now they are barely in touch with their only remaining grandmother, who is 100 years old and lives in an assited living facilitiy. My daughter lives about 30 miles away but makes no effort to have contact with her grandmother in assisted living. My son, living in another state, is even worse. I am so ashamed of them. I did not bring them up to be so thoughtless and inconsiderate. I know my mother would love to see the kids and hear from them. Mom is 95% sharp and doing ok but does occasionally have her moments with a little dementia.

We have been taking our son with us everywhere we go ever since he was a baby. His grandparents love the fire out of him, and he has mutual affection for them. At first Grandpa was in his own home. Then he went to Assisted Living, then to a nursing home. Grandpa plays checkers with his grandson, and last year taught him chess. Every week we went to a church service at the nursing home, and his grandson played piano before the services. Then his other grandpa went to a nursing home. The first was downstate, so we only saw him a couple times a month, but would go and play cards and other games with him. Then we'd go inside and his grandson would play piano for the whole nursing home. Grandpa would say, "That's my grandson!" Not only is he a blessing to his grandpa, but to the others as well. Now they both live in the same nursing home, in the same room. Two grandpas at once-that's really something! Our son always takes along a toy to show the grandpas, and we always play some kind of games together. Unfortunately, one has dementia, and the other, Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, so what we can do with them is limited. One is almost entirely bedridden. If his grandson gets close enough to him, he will reach out to tickle him. We walked in yesterday, and the other was walking around showing all the nurses pictures we'd taken over the years of grandpa holding is grandson as a baby, then a 1 year old, etc. There's a picture of him riding on a sled that grandpa built, and a bow randpa made him. He loves to show off his handiwork and the pictures of he and his grandson. I, as Mom am photographer, and take pictures of them playing cards, etc. It's a testimony for Grandpa, and happy memories for his grandson. When there are activities there, the grandson plays piano for everyone. The grandpas are in decline, but have a bright spot in their very special grandson. He is a blessing to every one who sees him there, staff included. The residents want to hug him, talk to him, and smile at him. And he wants to go and spend time there. We have all been blessed by this wonderful little 8 year old and the involvement with the grandpas, and he will have memories of his grandpas being proud of him, and how he touched the lives of everyone there. We live 4 minutes away and visit about every day. While it's hard to see them decline, it sure is a joy to see them smile when we visit, and maybe have a little fun. We all have wonderful memories and will never have regrets.

Lauren!

I commend you.

You and your parent's grandchildren have discovered the great and even magical relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren.

Your children have probably gained greatly by their involvement and assist to their grandparents while rewarding your parents with remarkable times with their grandchildren.

I'm Len Hansen, author of this feature, also a grandparent, also a caregiver.

Thanks for being a subscriber to AgingCare.com.

Len

Leonard J. Hansen
Journalist, Author and Speaker
Bellingham, Washington

** Leonard J. Hansen is the nation's expert journalist and author in writing and editing to, for and about active and affluent mature adults plus travel for mature adults. Now available for assignments. Access his website to learn more: www.lenhansen.com

I absolutely agree that grandchildren should be an integral part of the caregiving team. My daughter (now 31) and my son (now 26) have been helping take care of my mom since their early teen years. They not only help keep her young and have her constantly laughing, they also help with bathing, diaper changes, preparing meals, escorting to doctor's appointments, etc. They share information with her and she encourages them to expand their experiences. They have helped her learn how to use the computer/internet and other current technology gadgets. They also help keep an eye on the visiting nursing staff and make sure her care is appropriately given. I don't know what I would do without them! I am the youngest of two daughters and my sister has yet to help in the care of my mother in the last eleven years. It's her loss...we will have such sweet memories of our times together. My mother is totally bed-ridden, but we still have good times together -- even if she has to go to the hospital. We all gather in her room and watch tv together or just talk and laugh. It's great!

I encourage anyone who is hesitant to get the grandchildren involved to "just do it!" What a rich experience your children will have -- not to mention the impact on the grandparent being cared for.

Lauren

Good morning, catchphrase!

I'm Len Hansen, the researcher/writer of this feature. Active interaction between grandparents and grandchildren can and should be beneficial to both older and younger. Unless your Mom is seriously advanced into Alzheimer's Disease, the interaction should help her recall and actually slow memory loss.

If the child or children can "teach" computer and Internet to your Mom, according to new research, this will also be positive in her memory retention. Plus, the experience for the child will be most positive as he/she has the "teaching" or "assisting" role.

And, very importantly, the hugs your Mom receives from each of the children will be one of the greatest gifts and and event/experience your Mom will enjoy, await and delight in. Such, too, can be most beneficial to her health and memory.

I really recommend that each child, as I wrote in this feature, will gain from the positive experience today and in future memory.

I thank you for your endorsement of this feature. I recommend your and your sister's most positive consideration and decision to add your Mom's grandchildren to her caregiving team.

Len Hansen
BellinghamOne

This is a great article. Sadly my mother suffers from Alzheimers disease and my sister feels that her two sons would be at a deficit to spend time with her. Her attitude has split our family apart because I think mom would benefit greatly from the interaction. Kids are much more forgiving that older folks. So basically, she keeps the kids away from mom and when they are in her presence she limits their exposure. Her first son was extremely close to mom as mom spent the first 5 years of his life babysitting while my sister, a single mom, went to work. It was very painful when mom left the state he was in to come back home. The youngest son is very close to my sister. The oldest, once lively, funny and vibrant is now very introverted and at 10 gives just one word answers to my sister. What are your thoughts about kids and elderly with memory problems?