For my parents I went to the pharmacy (I am the POA) and asked them to stop calling the doctor for refills on the prescriptions.  This way the pharmacist advised them they needed to speak to their doctor prior to getting more pills.  It worked.  The doctor had a chance to do some evaluations on them and alter some of the meds at that time.

Good suggestion from Buszhum.
My slightly demented mother, around 89 at the time said "No!" to everything including the very nice Dr. she had been seeing for 20 years. I got so I had no idea what was wrong with her, it had been so long since she'd been to the Dr. I decided to call an ambulance, non-emergency, to go to the emergency room in the hospital where her Dr. is on the staff. I didn't realize that an ambulance jumps the line of people waiting in the emergency room. She got a room immediately, they did lots of tests, I got lots of info and it got sent to her Dr. The best was her reaction when the ambulance got to the house- 2 handsome EMT's walking in the house- it was like "where's the party!" She was ready to follow them anywhere! I tried the same trick later to go to her Dr.- called an ambulance. It takes all that No, no stuff out of the "mother, daughter, who's the boss now" problem.

Yesterday, I talked my 75-year-old mother into going to the ER. She has severe anxiety and is paranoid of all doctors and all medication, even Tylenol. She has been in pain since December, thinking she broke a rib on a mechanical fall she had. With much argument and lot of coaxing, she had a CAT scan. They found atelectasis in her left lower lobe and what looks like possible pneumonia or a neoplasm. Because she was so belligerent, they gave her doxycycline and pain medicine and told her to get another CT in 14 days to see if the antibiotic took care of the pneumonia or, if it didn't, she has a neoplasm. Today, she said she will not take the antibiotic because the pamphlet says this and that...won't take pain medicine because she is afraid of it. She will not go to the doctor nor take the prescribed medicine. I know she has cancer as I'm in the medical community and she has weight loss, weakness, coughing up yuk, loss of appetite, and 8/10 pain in her "ribs." I clued in the docs and nurses yesterday that she had untreated severe anxiety and possibly paranoia. She won't help herself. This is incredibly difficult and we feel helpless. She lives at home with my ailing dad with emphysema and possible dementia. None of us kids have medical POA or anything else.

I have a 69 year old mother who not only refuses to see a doctor, she is against the entire 'medical mafia' as she calls it, because she thinks all doctors want us to make money off sick people. The trouble is, she self-medicates with dozens (no exaggeration) of 'natural' supplements, herbs and homeopathic remedies. Over a year ago she told me she had found a breast lump, but not to worry, she knew how to 'treat' it. The lump has since grown, and this week she told me her breast was leaking blood and small cysts. She also can barely walk due to something wrong with her back, and her legs and feet are so swollen she cannot wear shoes. But, she staunchly refuses to see any medical professional, only a 'naturopath' who prescribes some of those supplements I mentioned earlier. What can I do, if anything? She is not mentally disabled so I cannot make decisions for her. Advice?

I find it deeply frustrating when people suggest that the children of parents suffering from dementia just "make" them do things. HOW? I cannot physically pick my 69 year old mother off the ground and make her seek care, and no amount of reason, pleading, insisting, or demanding makes a dent. I can't just "put her in my car" because I live in a city where they're not necessary and most people don't own them, and she's mobility-impaired, so I can't convince her to go for a walk with me and smuggle her into a cab: excursions are major productions. It all feels completely hopeless, and feels even more so when it's hand-waved away casually like it ain't no thang.

I'm living at home with my parents, about to move out, so this scares me if things go downhill. I am in my late twenties and from my understanding my mother has not seen a doctor since I was born. There have been instances where she appeared dizzy or nearly in a stroke like state, still refused to go see someone. She quit smoking a few years ago which is a great health improvement, but the drinking is an issue that truly concerns me. It is so scary that even she is in the dark regarding her health, even dealing with precautionary measures as she ages is a no-go. She is in her late sixties and it just worries me so much that her health has been in the dark even from her for nearly 30 years. I feel selfish for being scared that soon after I regain total independence I will be responsible to care for her; my father is in good health but I know he already deals with a lot of repressed stress and I don't want the responsibility of caring for her to fall solely on his shoulders. I have two siblings, both married and one out of state, so obviously they have their own families to worry about. I have no idea how to even suggest the topic of her seeing even a general physician as she gets very stuck in her ways.

I have been taken my Mom (dementia/alzheimer 89 years old) all this week to 2 different doctors and test. As others she didn't like doctors nor hospitals. So first time I told her we are going out untill she saw we were at the doc office. She looked at me to kill me. I turned my face & said something of another person. 2nd time in the car when she asked I changed the conversation to some interested to her. At the doc office she looked at me again, told her doc, Neurologist, needed to see her & she wanted to leave. I ignored her & she stayed. Next day we went to see her eye doc. She just looked at me, I ignored her. Today was the MRI, I explained to her how it was going to be in the tube & I would be there. I stayed w my hand in her leg until it was done. My Mom always was & is a stronger (in feelings) woman. Her behavior is because her sickness & I understand that.

my dad is driving me crazy! He took a fall over our umbrella stand full of antique canes (yeah, I am dealing with that), it took me an hour to get his big óle self off the floor and then he would not go to the doctor. Amazingly, he seems ok overall, tho his shoulder is bothering him and he has decided that he is "over". Damn! To the naked eye of this frusteraed daughter, there is nothing other than being 80 wrong with him. But I am a childrens book illustrator completely devoid of any medical training at all... Argh! Help!

My sisters and I are just experiencing this problem with an elderly aunt who doesn't live that close to us right now. Today she will *supposedly* go to the doctor, one of my sisters is driving there today. However, I will say what I did last week was contact her county's Division of Aging (I found out where it was with the "Eldercare Locator", please google it) and after some discussion, they sent us a list of dr's in the area who make housecalls. We haven't used that yet as fingers are crossed she will go to the doctor today.

After months and months of back and forth arguing with my stubborn dad, I found one method that finally proved useful. I brought a health monitoring system in his home, which allowed him to remain essentially independent, and safe at the same time. Now he doesnt have to deal with a stranger in his own home and he never agreed to assisted living. Check out the suggestions in this article if your elderly parents refuse

My mother is 73. She is extremely overweight, mildly diabetic and has terrible pain in her back and legs. She also has bladder spasms that cause her to leak urine all day. My father is 80. She sits in her recliner and he waits on her hand and foot. They have plastic on the chair so she can sit there all day without going to the bathroom. Seriously. She wants to die. She has a Living Will signed and thinks that it means nobody can treat her if she gets sick now. She refuses to go to the doctor. She prays daily to die. I believe though she's not depressed, she is determined to NOT go into a nursing home, whatever measures she has to take, and that she has a plan. I don't know when it's my turn as daughter to insist she gets care or to just let her go (which is what she is begging). She had a bad experience 5 years ago with surgery/ICU/nursing home and begged us to never let that happen to her again. Out of respect to her wishes, can I legally just sit back and let her end her life? It seems so Dr. Kavorkian to me...knowing but not fixing. Any suggestions??

CALL FOR A NON-EMERGENCY AMBULANCE. GET THEM TO AN ER TO EVALUATE THEIR MEDICAL STATUS. GO TO A HOSPITAL THAT HAS A SENIOR BEHAVIORAL UNIT/PSYCH UNIT SO IF THEY NEED TO BE ADMITTED FOR A PSYCH EVALUATION THEY WILL ADMIT THEM FROM THE ER. TRUST ME, THIS IS HOW TO DO IT. STOP SUFFERING AND TAKE ACTION!

For elders who won't take their meds, I've found it helpful to crush the pills & put them in juice, applesauce, yougurt, pudding, whatever they enjoy. I'd even sneak it into ice cream if I was forced to. My Mom's Dementia is *so far* advanced, she won't take pills. She just enjoys the treated foods. :)

When Mom moved in with me, I wanted to take her to a Neurologist to confirm suspected Dementia. Since I have alot of health problems, I said, "We have a dr's appt." & took her in. I'd been there the day before & filled out the paperwork for Mom. I also have DPOA (which I *strongly* recommend y'all get ASAP). Dr & I & Mom went into the exam room, he asked her questions, tapped her knees & elbows & we were done. Sent home with Rxs for Aricept & namenda & haldarol (for her delusions/paranoia). Afterwards, she said, "Seeing that dr didn't hurt a bit." She was afraid she'd be wired up to machines to check her brain functions & then thrown into a nursinghome. 9 yrs later, she's still living w/me even tho her Dementia's severe.

@Spiralli is so right. Mental Health issues are disregarded in adult parents. Physical issues are overlooked by those perseverating on the mental issues.
More seniors face depression than we know.

Something I have found with my mother in encouraging her to go places/do things is to suggest that we do .......whatever, then afterwards get a manicure or a pedicure and/or have lunch somewhere together.

I have the POA and was very unsuccessful in relating to my mother's doctor that she had over the years. He was not willing to recommend that she be in an Assisted Living Home even though she has definite cognitive issues and needs supervision 24/7. Now we have a new doctor, and when my mother says she wants to go home/ or do something different, we can defer to the "doctor's orders." This new Dr. Amacher also makes house calls at my mother's Assisted Living Home at the Emeritus in Vacaville, CA, and this doctor's utmost concern is my mother's safety and welfare. Dr. A. also thinks input from the loved ones is very valuable information. We could not be more pleased. I hope it goes well with the above. We also needed to deal with the above and it was difficult. Sometimes we cannot always go with feelilngs but just do as Dr. Laura and the Bible tells us to...."just do the right thing" and there will be peace and no regrets. (Much like when our children were small:)

Its funny that you use the judge to threaten your father. I use the judge to get my brother to pay rent to my mom. Otherwise he would gamble all of his money away and be a mooch. He is her baby so he cant do any wrong. Me I had to be out working within 3 days of graduating from high school. I say have the rent taken out of his pay before he gets it but that is just me. My dad was real bitter about going to the doctor. They would work on his blood pressure, his heart, his swollen ankles but nothing could be done for his PAD and arthritis so the doctors did not do anything. Once he was on hospice he resented the nurse coming in and not going to the doctor. He thought they were spies and that they were going to poison him. He did not have much respect for women anyway.

We have since had my dads license suspended and had to take guardianship. He is not real happy about it but did agree to it in front of a judge. He still says he doesn't understand why he can't drive and why we have to have control over everything but we just keep telling him its the way the judge wants it and so he settles down. He is still fighting me on the stroke doctor visits but I just tell him if he doesn't want to go he will have to call the judge. That pretty much straightens him out since he is afraid of the judge. Thanks for the advice, turns out I am the one he is closest to.

I am not laughing at you or him. It is a sticky. How old is he? You may have to have his license not reissued. I know this will cause further funtimes, however, his mindset is I am ok, or if I am not ok, I am scared, so leave me alone, anyway. Do you have a family member or someone he is close to that he can communicate with that he feels is not running his business? If so, talk to them..... I am in a similar sit.., however, my dad has not threatened to run away, YET!

My dad had a stroke and won't go to his evaluation appointment and says he is going to keep changing doctors until he finds one that tells him he is fine and doesnt have dementia. He won't take antidepressants because he says we are trying to put him in a comma. This is the most stubborn man on earth. He is even trying to find ways to steal a car so he can leave the state. He is 80 years old

My Mom is 80, also has not been to a Dr in 47 years and has signs of alzheimers, she moved in with my husband and I four short weeks ago and its been overwhelming, one day shes just forgetful and the next day shes angry and that anger is usually addressed at me. We did have emotional problems as mother and daughter in my youth, some of the things she says now makes me think she still has issues loving me, then the next day she's fine...

She wants to move back into independent senior housing when she called me daily and told me people were sleeping under her bed, or coming through her walls or knocking at her door at 4 in the morning, now thats a faint memory and she wants to go back--the anger that erupts when I try to explain that really cant happen is painful, exhaustive, and sad..

She told me she will kill herself if I try to take her to a Dr.

I wonder what would happen if you talked to the doctor about a person what will NOT come in? Is there an alternative to coming in? Like in the old days when a doctor actually made house calls? Maybe your doctor could tell you if he or someone else DOES make house calls, or at least has an idea of what to do. Can someone force a hospital stay for their parent to have them checked out? I don't know.

Hey PamiDave, I know where you are! I am there too. Its hard, very hard. Tho my mother (like yours) has been a hypochandriac for all of my life and probably before, my dad is like your mom, not going to the doctor, no way, no how. He is old-country, old-school, and feels that he is in more danger going to a doctor than not. I wrote about us getting him to the doctor and him going out onto the street to HITCHHIKE outta there! Finally, we got him to go with mother and the doctor saw him then... Unfortunately you don't have that option.

My prayers are with ya! Later, LI

Nice article, Jacqueline Marcell, though I personally would not feel comfortable with tricking my loved one into a doctor's appointment. Elders are already almost socially invisible. Deception and coercion from a caregiver is the last thing they need, in my opinion, dementia, or not. Though not my own worldview, I enjoyed reading your article and it is thought provoking. Thanks for taking the time to share tips and techniques.

I just came to this sight as I could really use help. My Mother is 83 and hasn't gone to the doctor in almost 50 years (around when I was born). She has told me her whole life long that she thought she was dying of cancer (obviously she wasn't), so now, she found some body changes that make her sure she has cancer now. It sounds like she has something that she should get looked at, but she will not see a doctor. She has asked me to get her sleeping pills for when she can't take it anymore. She said, "I never ask anything of you, and I've asked you to do this for me before and you won't do this one thing for me..." She wants me to lie to my doctor to get her pills to kill herself at some point, and she is REALLY pissed off at me for not doing it. I'm the only child left and my Dad is deceased, so it's just me and her. I need to get her to a doctor. I just don't know what to do. She figures that if she didn't have cancer then, she SURELY has it now. And, who knows, she probably has something (she can't hardly walk, she has trouble breathing, as well as other things) that's why I need to get her to the doctor, plus I can't take this anymore. I'm at that "I love my Mother but I don't like her" spot, too. It's up to me to get something done, but she has always had a twisted emotional way of pushing my buttons and inflicting deep emotional pain thru guilt. She does have brothers that may help me, but I need to try to figure this out on my own first, because as soon as I involve others, she will probably not forgive me. I could really use some advise.

A lot has changed since my first post- April 8th. It all started with a 'fall'. Mom lost control of her walker and fell on her kitchen floor. Initially she was ok, but after a few days she couldn't get out of bed- the pain ws so great. We took her to the hospital via an ambulance- couldn't get her in the car- an xray of her back showed no breaks, thank goodness, but it did show some bad arthritus. She was released the same day, which she really shoudn't have been. A few days later back to the hospital she went because she didn't show any signs of improvement- she was still bed ridden. This time they did an xray on her pelvis- still no break, but more arthritus. She was admitted to the hospital. Durring her hospital stay she had many tests & blood work. We learned that she has high blood pressure, dementia, is hypo thyroid, ulcerated gastro, diverticulosis, acid reflux and her physical abilities very much deteriorated because of her time in bed after the 'fall'. She is now taking depression medication which she always in the past refused to do.
She left the hospital, spent 3 weeks in rehab getting stronger. Mom is now in a beautiful assisted living apartment where she is finally getting some attention and stimulation. I could go on and on about the posssitive changes. She feels so much better because she is now eating right- the acid reflux isn't bothering her at all. My brothers and I are so happy!!

What about if your father has NEVER been to a doctor, and is now very sick, and still refusing to see a doctor or go to the hospital. What can the children do for this parent?

Wise words Anne. Each situation is definately different. I also sometimes check WebMD for reviews from patients who have been taking the same medications. They also vary in their side effects too. It's hard to tell what the medications will do, and which symptoms are from the medication alone, and not caused by the dementia/alzheimers. Good Luck to everyone, and let us know how you are all doing.

Dear ladies, and gentlemen, if out there... You are such angels. I am beginning to wonder if Aricept is the answer (sorry if you're part of the medical profession). My Dad was also taking Namenda. They told me he'd regress if taken off, but he has actually improved. Instead of anger, he's the sweetest I remember him being my whole life. And he was in blind rage fits of anger for no reason a short while back. Was is "just a stage," or was it medication? He is now on Celexia and the nurses marvel at the wonderful changes in him "all of a sudden." For some reason, Aricept and Namenda were not good options for him. I love to have fun with Dad these days, as he's no longer angry, depressed, or lying around in bed not eating. He's also gained 11 pounds in the last month. It's like a have a second chance at love with my (now) very dear Dad.

However, in answer to your question, we had to call an ambulance to escort him to ER one day. He was cussing, breaking cupboard drawers, and threatening to hit his wife and me. For no reason! Another time, he willingly went with me to the hospital. He did something innapropriate with a few neighbors, so I drove 200 miles to their house, and gave him 2 choices: go with me to the doctor, or go to the police station. He wisely chose the doctor. That was a very difficult discussion for a daughter to have with her Dad. He's in a safer place (for him and others today). Praise God!

Each situation is different. Seek wise counsel, ask God for help, and find trusted medical professionals to help you along the journey. Prayer smoothes the way in many instances.

I totally understand what you are all going through. My mother hasn't had any real medical or even a physical in at least 10 years. The only time(s) she has seen the Dr. is when he has made a house call- to authorize refills on her tranquilizers.
The trouble is my brothers live in the same town with her, I am 3.5 hours away. They both have very big hearts and take care of all the household tasks for her but don't encourage her at all to get the help she needs. I try not to interfere too much since they are the ones who are doing all the work and i certainly do appreciate their help. She lives on 2.5 acres and my brothers take care of everygthing. I wish that assisted living was an option, mainly so that she could be around people instead of being alone. She will never allow it. Someday when she gets bad enough my brothers will have to make her get help. She is the oldest 80 year old I know, using a walker for over 5 years because she has bad knees. She doesn't leave the house except to go to the grocery store once a week, probably to buy her cigarettes (which she doesn't think any of us know about). It makes me so sad because she is missing out on so much. She rarely even goes to my brother's homes even though they would drive her both ways. She hates holidays and has announced that she will not be celebrating her upcoming b-day in June. I ask her to come and stay at my house for any length of time she would like, 1 day to weeks, but she always refuses. She doesn't have any friends and her only interest is watching TV. She also suffer from depression, but refuses to take medication. I have absolutely no control of the situation and it is so hard.