The fact that this is even a topic of conversation solidifies my resolve to never put any of my family in such a facility. Nothing but a death trap with STD's now being yet another avoidable risk. These places lack common sense and have only one thing in mind: $$$.

Sure, just be sure you post an approved Masturbatory Item List in the activity room just so everyone is clear. Oh and go ahead and let em ride a bike or take a drive too, k?

my feeling is ask them, like u would about anything else, see how they feel about it, theyre already feeling bad about being a burden, at any age no one wants to b told what to do, mom is 91, u always give anyone a choice.

I don't have any experience in this, nor am I an expert in the field. This is my gut reaction to the article, without having read any of the other comments.

First impression is... if the NH resident is already married, sex is off limits to all involved save the married couple.

Second impression is... sex should not occur outside of marriage anyway. That means each partner has ample time for evaluations that will determine if both are willing participants in the relationship. That comes first.

Third impression is: if they are both consenting, and single... or widowed... there should be no reason to prevent their relationship, including sex, if the NH can provide same rooms for married couples. But I strongly believe the woman needs to be watched closely should pain ever be introduced and no one knows it. A man will most always be the stronger of the two, and can take wrongful control of the woman... even if not aware he is doing it.

It's almost strictly a question of close supervision, asking questions, and observation as to how the woman is being treated. The (physically) weaker should always be protected from harm. Common sense.

Does this mean (secretly) observing the actual act of intercourse? Well, not so sure about that... but for the woman's sake... maybe.

There is a cost to aging, and we will all be paying it some day.

Veronica makes a good point about gold-digging. Do estate planning properly (with help of an elder law attorney), to shield the elderly loved one's assets from the effects of a changed will. In the novel The Crown of Life Society, a female retirement community resident with a lively libido goes from one male resident to the next. She's in violation of the "conduct detrimental to the community" clause of her resident contract, but has leverage because of the secrets she has about the community's operations.

I am scared for my mother to find out that this is happening to my father who has dementia and another house member that is also a patient. I think it would break my mothers heart.

My mom has been in assisted living for almost 3 years now. Her spouse died 3 months after they moved in. She is suffering from mild dementia although it is gradually getting worse. For the past 2 or 3 months a gentleman there has shown an interest in her and is really sweet and helpful to her.She calls him by her late husbands name although she knows he is not her late husband...she just can't remember his name. I think they are good for one another; he seems to need someone to care for and she has always been one who liked being taken care of. She seems much happier with him around and has even gone out to dinner with him and his children. I am not sure if they have any kind of intimate relationship, but feel that is them and I have advised the staff that I have no objections to them being together. They are consenting adults and make each other happy, which in my opinion is the most important thing...at their age, happiness does not come easily...why deny them that...love my mom!

Very pertinent and thoughtful. I am 17 years younger than my 89 year old husband. This obviously is a second marriage and we have had 14 very happy years together. Two weeks ago his family and I placed him in an assisted living facility due to his rapidly advancing dementia. One of the biggest mental hurdles for him was that he felt we had not considered his needs as a husband. Thanks to an understanding staff we have a little sign that hangs on the door saying "Please do not disturb!" with two hearts beneath it and Thank You at the bottom. After lunch the door is locked and we have time to rediscover each other. My husband feels his value as a man has not been forgotten.

I'm sure that sensitive and caring staff are finding that they have to play the role of caring big brother or sister when they notice non related residents getting into romantic situations. Sometimes it has been just fine and other times they have had to intervene and ask the resident to "back off ". I am reminded of one the residents at the same home where my husband lives who found a new "girl friend" shortly after he moved in. We quickly learned that we had better call in the morning if we wanted to talk with him as after lunch was reserved for "calling on Grace". The staff reported that it was a huge boost for both people, but they were only allowed to go calling between 1 & 3 so the staff knew where to find them to give them medication.

Legally getting married is a huge no-no. Have a party and a ceremony, but it only causes headaches at this age. My husband and I made every legal effort to keep our finances separate and if he lives for another year I will have to file for divorce so he can qualify for Veteran's Aid and Attendance Benefits as the government still wants to count my assets.

It is hard to believe the love Sanda Day O'Conner has displayed towards her husband to allow his relationship to continue. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it.

Having a power of attorney is very important to protect an elderly parent so they are not taken advantage of by a fortune hunter.
That being said elderly people have the right to happiness although many family members will object violently and often move an elderly parent to another facility to stop this what they see as inappropriate behavior.
My opinion is that as long as neither party is damaged or distressed and appears happy and neither has a communicable disease a blind eye should be turned to sexual activity.
The involvement of staff and patients is another story and should not be permitted. The staff member should resign or be fired if they should choose to continue their relationship

What if the patient is married? What if he is involved with a 45 year old nursing home employee? If he is mentally alert can he consent to have sex with the employee?. What about the rights of his wife? Should the wife stop visiting, or just pretend not to notice the omnipresence of the low level employee?

I'm 54 y/o and living in a nursing home...many times it has crossed my mind but instead I always end up masterbating in the end..Most of the women here are old enough to be my mother but then again there are a few (Very few) that are around my age..But thier minds are still thinking "Why am I not in school"? So here I am at a catch 22.. The Nursing staff I'm gonna guess 99% if not all are married and I in no way wanta get involved in that sorta situation. All I can do is sorta grin and bear it... Sex in my eyes is a has been altogether...

Just mild kissing, hugging, holding hands while they are setting or walking and talking just a companionship. If they say we will get married. JUst make arrangement with two family, pretend they will married. That's all not really married. And they missed their wife nor husband that's all and they thought they still young at heart. Don't worry at least keep on eye with them.

I don't want to think about the financial complications and arguments that could develop between families if one family's 90 something year old dad marries another family's 90 something year old mom. And we caregivers think there are enough problems already!!! Cheer up - nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!! :-)

I think that it should be allowed for them to do whatever they please who's business is it to tell grown adult people if or how they should show affection.

Ms. Bursack and Ms. Wilde each raise valid points. Sex between residents in nursing homes as been an issue for years. Over ten years ago at a dinner with a dozen directors of nursing and nursing home social workers the topic came up.

At first I thought "So what? We're talking 80 year olds. They can't get pregnant and the companionship might be beneficial." But I was naive.

The moral, safety and legal questions are substantial. The financial issues can be, too. The situation with Ms. Wilde's Dad proves the point. Unfortunately, it occurs more frequently than most of us realize. Like so many other elder care issues the family bears the emotional burden in silence. They simply don't know who to turn to for direction and support.

The need for close human companionship is a lifelong need. For many elders, the same is true of their sex drive. Seniors in nursing home and assisted living will continue to seek to satisfy those drives.

Emotions will be high on this topic. I'm very much interested in the legal and financial lines that get drawn. Should make for some fascinating discussions.
Thanks, Ms. Bursack for mentioning it.

Martin Sabel
Mr. Eldercare

This is a hugely difficult topic most of us younger family members don't want to address. When my Dad (who had mild dementia at the time) announced he was getting married to a woman he met just four months prior, our family was split.

My sister was sure that this woman was just taking advantage of my father. She was closer to them and was seeing subtle clues.

In my phone calls with my father, I heard that he was lonely. Companionship seemed like a good thing.

My Dad thought that this new relationship would be just like his 45 year marriage to our Mom. He had no clue that his intended had major emotional problems. After the wedding, she would claw at his face whenever he wouldn't agree with her.

The divorce was messy because they did not have a prenuptial agreement.

It's not just the right to have a loving relationship with another human. Often, the legal and financial implications are thorny, too.

CK Wilde