I have experienced this exact conundrum with my mother who is now 98 and whom I had to move into assisted living 6 months ago after they finally determined at her rehab that she could not go home alone, even with 2 hours care in the morning the way she used to have. She is now in hospice at that same facility.
I kept her in her hometown for 7 years after her first rehab stay, and managed her care remotely. The amount of stress have put on me was inexpressible. I finally decided to move out here to my hometown a few months ago, where she wanted to stay until she died , and rent an apartment here.
I will say this: I felt I was doing the right thing by following her wishes and keeping her at home in a low income excellent apartment independent Living situation with care two hours a day from some wonderful caregivers. She was on limited income..my siblings and I helped contribute to keep her home.
Hindsight is 20-20 and I think looking back it would have been a lot easier on me to have her near to me ...but it was completely impractical because I live in a big city where are the costs would have been astronomical. When other siblings in more practical cities expressed that she could live near them ...she said no. I took it upon myself to keep her in her hometown where she is now.
That said the stress was immense trying to manage everything remotely. I put cameras around her apartment, I had to do doctors visits remotely through Alexa, relied on Instacart etc and of course caregivers.
But looking back I can't say I would do it differently other than insisting one of my siblings take her and forcing her to go near them and that was something I just couldn't see doing because the amount of work involved taking care of her was so immense I didn't feel comfortable putting that on my sisters-in-law (I knew my brothers wouldn't do anything). And my other sister had taken care of my dad for 6 years and was completely burned down understandably.
All I can say is there's no easy answer. Either as the caregiver you sacrifice your life for a period of years to be near your parent, or you sacrifice your life for a period of years to manage the care remotely.
Just know that once you're managing care remotely if you are not there and hands on during the end of their life when they are in a nursing home, things will be pretty dreadful. I'm out here with my mother because I see even in the best of places things just get not done (even just today I saw their call system was down and the CNAs were saying nothing about it so I had to go to administration on my own... Things like this happen all the time even in good places).
I'm writing a letter to my senior self telling me what I won't do when I'm my mother's age. Number one on the list: I do not want to ever burden anyone with my care. I'm not sure how that is avoidable but I simply don't want to do it to anyone else. That said I am devoted to my mother's care and giving her the best care possible. But having her near me or remotely ...there's no easy answer. Taking care of aging parents is brutally hard no matter how much you love them... And sometimes especially because you do.
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As an elderly parent, I made the decision to move closer to our son so that he wouldn't have to make that decision for us.

My husband and I had gone through the struggles of long-distance caregiving with my father-in-law. The burden of long-distance care and POA management issues were enormous for both of us and my husband's da, not to mention the guilt not being available for emergencies. I did not want our son to go through the turmoil of whether or not to move us. Our son will have plenty to deal with until we pass without the complications of moving us across country to be near him.

Was it easy for us to start over? An emphatic, no. It has been two years since we moved. Do I regret moving. No, and h*ll no. We can't predict our future health physically or mentally. One thing is for certain, we will continue to get older and less heathy until we die.

We love our son and his family. As elderly parents we need them more than they need us. They are always willing and able to help us, which becomes more and more often every day.

Do I recommend the elderly moving closer to family? For my husband and I it was the right thing to do. For everyone else, it depends.
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I can see how this question becomes important when there is no family to help an elderly loved one. However, my only sibling is moving my recently diagnosed Alzheimer's mom to her family's home state knowing mom had myself and my husband as her caregivers. I was a loyal caregiver and daughter, helping to manage mom's meds and healthcare, first in independent living, and most recently in assisted living. In 2020, I left my life and job and lived apart from my husband for nearly a year during the pandemic to do emergency caregiving for my parents. I moved back home to STL and eventually found a home for my family not long before my father died. I was his full-time caregiver for close to eight months. I then became my mom's caregiver while eventually working part-time. Recently my sister and her family decided to move mom to their state in MN. She was approached without our knowing about it and after a plan was already agreed upon that she would live at a facility closer to us (she was 30 minutes away). My husband and I are devastated, as mom is our only family here and we loved caring for her and spending time with her (she was in assisted living and will now be in memory care). We are trying to get over the lack of inclusion in this major, life-changing decision for mom and the loss of her being part of our lives here in IL.  Basically I was informed after the plan was already researched, presented to mom with time for her to say yes or no. Mom had a recent middle-stage dementia diagnosis consistent with Alzheimer's so my sister used that diagnosis as an opportunity to discuss a move with mom (without my knowledge or being present). Hoping to connect with other caregivers who are hurting or experiencing grief and/or betrayal. Of course we have to go along with it, but we did express dissatisfaction for the way this was handled and believe mom should not be moved at 89 as it could lead to further decline. So while my sister was the long-distance caregiver, a role that was becoming increasingly difficult for her (although it need not have been with my husband and I here for mom), now I will be the long-distance daughter and helper. I see the benefits of being near more family for mom, but we worked so hard for her here and to make her happy.... and she was. It was never enough for my sister and her husband. They plotted and planned behind our backs and got mom at her most vulnerable to agree to their wishes, with absolutely zero regard for my thoughts and feelings and that of my husband, who also gave up his life in TX to move here. Mom was his only family here and so important to him, especially after his mother was tragically killed. Mom cries when she calls me, telling me how much she's going to miss me. My heart cannot take much more and I'm having to pursue counseling to deal with my sadness. They are moving her this weekend to MN and I fear I shall never see her again, or at least very little. I could see if I had been a deadbeat caregiver, but I did everything humanly possible, bending over backwards to be there for and help my mom. It was an honor to be her caregiver and we made her laugh and recorded her stories. I promised I'd never leave her. Now whenever we talk, it's like she's brainwashed and convinced that this was the only solution. I can't tell her how I really feel, because I don't want to create worry for her, so I'm just trying to be positive and supportive. This feels so wrong, but I guess I'll have to get used to it.
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My mom had the foresight and insight to move closer to Hubby and me when she and my dad were in their 70's, and his health started to take a downward spiral. Although there was more of an almost daily responsibility with them living here, it was easier in a way than hopping on a plane to help them when issues arose. The ease of the moving transition I think has a lot to do with the personality of the people involved. My mom, being an extrovert, made friends here, (often other golfers). My dad was more introverted, but his health issues didn't allow for much socialization anyway. When my mom got Alzheimer's,(years later), it certainly made it easier to take care of her here. I even wrote a book about our experiences called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."
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The hardest decision to move dad three states away to be closer to me! At 80, with dementia, we struggled with the idea of having 24/7 care in his home ... but he agreed to try a one bedroom apartment and after a week, he decided to put his house up for sale!
This was NOT in the original plan we had while both parents were alive. Originally they wished to remain in the house... but after mom passed away, dad only stayed a few months, and after a few falls, it was evident he could not be alone. He ultimately decided on the move, which made it easier. Is he happy? Eh... hard to say. But he’s doing better around us.
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I just feel like no one did think things through about exactly what would happen when they got here and they were not happy to discuss when they got here either, focusing on how things were not going to work out.
How can things get back to normal if they don't communicate with me and my husband and only talk to and about the grandkids?
I respect their decision but I feel like they are not totally happy with it, especially my dad. They could not stay so had to go but I cannot also just drop everything to help them out when they are less active and then it will be too late to get back here.
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Dad is 70 now and mum is 70 soon.
Health wise, dad had heart attack about 20 years ago, had diabetes and high blood pressure but he passed the medical for residency. Mum seems ok and is not on any medication. Mum hinted at dad being ill twice when they were here and then quickly decided not to say more. I asked her outright to tell me if they were in any way ill and she just shrugged. Not sure if this was something real or not. She also said that they didn't tell us everything. Another reason why I am anxious as I dont know what I don't know.
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Luanne99, curious about the ages of your parents and how is their health. If they are active seniors in good health, for some reason there was something drawing them back to the U.K. They made the decision to return, and with that decision comes the responsibilities of their choice.

Apparently the move to New Zealand wasn't totally thought out by everyone. And I could understand how it would have felt like they were on vacation instead of a new chapter in their lives in another country. It was a grand idea but.....

Moving in with grown children while still being active seniors can be difficult. Where is the line drawn when it comes to the adult and the grown child? Maybe your parents were once again feeling like "parents" instead of being retirees, and that was closing in on them.

Give your parents their space... right now everything feels awkward.....don't mention anything about the move or who paid what. Let that eventually disappear. Everything will work out.
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Although I am not in the US, I would appreciate a view from someone.
We moved from U.K to New Zealand at the start of 2011 and focused on getting my parents here via a residency visa. They were committed to come and it took us almost five years to get them here. I asssited them with the process all the way through and they were excited to come. They visited here twice in that time and loved being here.
They took a while to sell their UK home and arrived early 2015. When they got here, they were talking straightaway of how things may not work out, always talking about "home", getting UK newspapers etc. They acted like they were on vacation. I tried hard to get them integrated but they would not come to any of my friends invitations and went everywhere together which they never did in the UK. I think they were driving each other mad. I sorted out their driving licences, bus pass, library cards, etc as soon as I could.
They were going to gift us half of the proceeds of the house to allow us to build an annexe but it became clear quite early on that the expectations they had of what that would do financially were not realistic. Mum said dad wanted to give us the money but she was holding back in case things did not work out. I did not want to take this money and told them they always had a place with us. They had their own room, but that was all.
It seemed they wanted a real house, rather than just an annexe and the house prices here are very high compared to the UK. To buy a house with land to build a second house was also not going to be achievable.
I had been out of work for over 6 months when they got here but they could not understand why I would not want to get a higher mortgage or start to build the annexe. I had suffered from depression for over a year before they got here and needed some time off work.
We had assessed our current house before they got here and we could not extend and include anything with a water supply, ie no more bathrooms or kitchens, so our only option was to move. They went around spending loads of money on high value items, diamond ring, cars, dental work, iPads, eating out all the time, when we could not even afford to get our roof fixed. I did ask outright once if they could help with the roof and mum said again that they were waiting to see if things were going to work out. They did contribute to the bills and help around the house with chores but we certainly did not make money financially by them living here.
This arrangement lasted a year and ended badly. They decided to move back to the UK to have their own future in their own hands. Once they decided to go, they left very quickly, like they could not wait to get out of here! I had to even point out that if they left straightaway they would pay duty on their belongings as it needed to be out of the uk for a year so they stayed until the full year passed.
I felt helpless as their only child, with their only grandchildren, as we were not ever going to move back to the Uk. I know they are not happy in the UK but they were not happy here either as we could not give them what they wanted, a house to fit in all of their "stuff".
They told us that they were following their heads rather than their hearts by going back to the UK. This has confused the grandkids a lot and they no longer want to email them and it is getting difficult to convince them to even go on Skype!
They have never really discussed the reason why they actually left but I know it was related to me not allowing them to have what they thought they deserved. They were particularly upset about me not wanting to take out an additional cable Tv subscription for them, but I explained that it was because they had not committed to stay at that time. I had got a job 8 months after they arrived but there was work to do on our house to be able to sell it and they did not want to help out financially.
They always had the option to return and they took it. One has siblings in the U.K, the other has no family at all and I worry about what they think will happen if something happens to one of them? They may not be able to return here a residents as their visa will expire and they may not get another as the residency rules have changed.
I realise they have taken their life into their own hands but they do not talk to me or my husband on Skype, just the grandkids. They only email me when they want information (usually related to the kids) or when I have sent them a photo. This was not how things were meant to be, they were meant to be here, living out their retirement but it seems like they just could not wait until I was back to work, fully recovered and financially able to move house.
Further to this, I have been shown a email sent to say that they could not afford to move back to the same area they came from in the U.K as they spent so much money on our house. Not true, they did a small amount of decorating for us and put on exterior lamp up and they did not want us to pay them back. Actually they lost money on coming here, going back, moving their belongings here and back, buying expensive items and not taking any advice I tried to give them about moving money to and from Uk and they lost quite a bit in the rush to move their money back to the Uk.
I feel they have made their own choices and have let us down by not being here for us when we needed them. They want to live out their retirement how they want to and that is fine but I don't appreciate them making comments about paying for things on my house that they really did not do to cover up the bad decisions they made around financial stuff.
Any comments?
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I've seen a lot of the combinations and permutations; my mom passed when I was in high school; dad was retired and had taken care of her through several years of recurring cancer. In her last hospitalization, there were folks from the church with her 24/7 for several weeks. Dad stayed in the house, with neighbors and church family keeping an eye on him. He insisted that I go ahead with my college plans (I had been accepted at Mom's alma mater), so when he dropped me off there, 400 miles from home, he kept going, drove around the country and spent time with my brothers in two different corners of the country and cousins in another area. My third brother lived a day's drive from Dad's home, and he spent quite a lot of time there as long has he could drive safely. When I finished college I came home for a year, and then the summer I married, he passed away. I realized later that for the five years Mom had been gone, he had missed her terribly and worrying about me was what was keeping him going (fortunately, his mind was fine, body slowing down). When he knew I would be taken care of, he was ready to leave us.

My husband's parents lived with us their last years, with some (grudging help) from his siblings. His brothers and their wives were the most helpful; the daughters were too unstrung by watching them fail to be much help. Grandpa passed away at our house just as it was becoming obvious that he wasn't doing well on his own, and Grandma had had a great home care lady her last year, also at our house, but her last several weeks, on hospice, were at another son's house. She passed there, and I happened to be there on "night duty" at the time. People and circumstances vary, but neither of my parents-in-law could handle a care facility; we tried with both-Grandpa kept escaping; we had brought him home for the weekend when he passed. Grandma was totally miserable in the convalescent home we tried--one thing she hated was that to make toileting easier, they wouldn't let her wear underpants. They had wheelchairs for all the residents; they would strap them into their chair all day. We brought her home to her youngest son and a great daughter-in-law for her last days.

Don't be limited to the ideas of facilities or homes--I have several friends who have done well in board and care homes, and have one 90-year old single friend with health issues but still able to get around pretty well, still in her long-time house. Some years ago, she wound up with a single sister who needed a place to live, and they took care of each other before the sister died suddenly; and then a widowed sister-in-law now in her 70's who had worse health issues and noplace to go after her husband passed. Again, they take care of each other; for a while, my friend was getting aid as caregiver for the younger woman, whose health has been better since she came. They now have a middle-aged man living in a motor home at their place--he is the son of a good friend who passed recently, and he is a great help to them. He has learning disabilities, and they have helped him get his paperwork and life dealt with. He drives them to church, does some of the heavy cleaning and maintenance, and they all keep each other coping with life.
Several years ago, we sold my long-time home (my husband died 12 years ago) and I am living with a daughter, with another daughter as backup. Both have extra bedrooms after kids have left home, and I work full time and pretty much take care of myself. So far, so good--but the issue of my house and my stuff is being dealt with now rather than under duress. I had had friends live at the house, so I wasn't there alone.
There is no single answer; think creatively and think people. In the long run, people--family, friends, church family, community, care availability make the difference.
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I think a lot depends on what the parent(s) want to do. It's hard to move away from a long time home town to some place new.

Moving means finding new doctors, and that's not always easy.... new primary doctor... new cardiologist... new dentist... new eye doctor... new hearing aid store... new urologist... new dermatologist... new foot doctor... and the list goes on. All these new faces to learn. That's tough when one is much older.

Just as hard, finding a new hairdresser or barber.

Even watching the local news on TV isn't the same... who are these anchors?... the nearby towns they are talking about the elder doesn't even know where they are.

If the parents still drives... all the streets and landmarks are new. Sense of direction is confused. New grocery stores to deal with, some with funny names as your old time favorite store isn't here.

Leaving behind friends. That is a bummer. Will you ever see them again?

Of course, if one is moving back to a town they had lived in, with all the relatives around, grandkids, etc. that's a different story. It's much more positive.
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That's a shame! Your daughter's wife must be very insecure to do this. I lived in independent living with my husband until he died of a stroke, and I really liked the companionship and the communal meals--although at times it was like high school with various cliques being formed! If you can find something where you live I hope you do. Living alone is very difficult, and I don't think any old person should have to do it. I worry about my single daughter who has no close friends, but doesn't like me much either. She does have a bunch of dogs and cats and says she will have a heart attack and die suddenly so has made provision for them in her will~my son has a nice family and I am close to them so it is good to have them nearby. Right now I live in a private apartment but will move back to independent living or assisted living/memory care once I can no longer drive or take care of myself.
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It amazes me how many people actually believe they can "age in place." Maybe by adding grab bars in the tub or slanted walkways over the steps for their walkers. Sometimes, as long as there are two of them, one can make up for what the other lacks--although the house and yard will suffer unless they have help. I knew when my husband developed dementia we would need to move back home where both sets of children lived (this was a second marriage for both of us). I put it off for a couple of years, but eventually we moved into independent living near our kids. He only lived for 15 months before he had a fatal stroke, and I was so glad we were near our families at that time, especially during his two weeks in hospice. Most of my former friends had moved away or died, but the independent living community kept me occupied and gave me the companionship of other women who had "been there." After three years, I moved into a less expensive apartment without meal or cleaning services, but I still find my best friends are back at the community--and once I can no longer drive over there for bridge and happy hour, I may move back!
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No! It only brings drama into your life. I advise keeping your sanity and distance.
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Hi Everyone! My husband is currently in a memory-care with advanced Parkinson and some dementia. He is also in a wheelchair and has limited walking ability. Here's my take on decisions ! My husband is 77 and I am the same. I'm in good health and about 20yrs ago worked in outside sales and called on many care facilities. Illness attacks all ages. So- I feel as older parents I am going to move closer to my only daughter - who has a full heavy career going full steam. Her special boyfriend is also working like crazy and I see where they just don't have time to babysit us. I don't want my daughter facing heavy financial issue because of us and being faced with long distance cost issues. We live in Arizona but are looking at moving to another state that has 4 seasons. So What! I like people, and I'm going to move my husband to another care facility and I will find a apartment or condo. Sure it's hard but I've had a great life and we now financially feeling the effects of all this sickness. So, I plan to remember the fun times and get real lean and trim. I know I will meet other women like myself and my husband will also get good care . I don't plan on hanging on my daughter and thought about a part-time job or just update my Realtor license and hit the road. Life is hard enough on our adult families just to survive - I don't want to cause them more hardship. Yes, it will very lonely at times , will find some groups or church to help me. I plan on celebrating life on what is left for me . I have sold real estate all through adult communities and have first hand how hard it is on long distance families to deal with "selfish" older parents that want only their way. When a major health hits them - it is a BIG problem breaking down homes, selling stuff, legal issues, running back a forth, I have seen it all. My home is up for sale and I'm getting rid of STUFF. So - Let's do the right thing and get all set up in the right place and enjoy your son's and daughters. (If family is NOT Nice) then get some good professional advice and cover your bases. So - Celebrate Life.
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My parents moved 90 miles to be closer to me. My father hid the fact that he was concerned over my mothers memory and they bought a ranch style home when they shoul have been looking at condos or assisted living. I retired after helping them for 2 years because of their demands. Then MY husband died unexpectedly and now I have his 85 year old mother, my 90 year old father and 85 year old mother to take care of. I would like to move closer to my children who have young children and start a new life but I'm stuck here helping while they resist assisted living. It's hard not to resent them when they were always tied up with their own life and would never help me financially in college or help me raise my children while my husband and I worked full time. Life can be so unfair - I often told my husband that I hope I die before my children resent me. Think carefully before your parents move close. They can suck the life out of you if you aren't careful.
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I am a lady alone, age 79. My daughter and 'her' wife live in a lovely senior development. I wanted to move there too, to be closer (I am 100 miles away), found a nice house, started packing, and my daughter's wife said NO, I don't want her to live there. I cancelled the escrow, didn't buy the house, and now she's not talking to me at all. So I am truly alone. That's MY effort to move close to my only daughter in CA. My other daughter lives in NY. I do not want to move to NY from CA.
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Thanks for the update Sunbear. That's great that she finally got her own place! My late Aunt moved from her family home after both her parents and her sister passed away. She moved into a beautiful community and had plenty of money. She was a retired businesswoman, never married, no kids. I visited her frequently (it was on a main trainline about a 2 hour trip door to door) in the early months, especially as she was so aggrieved by the loss of her own family. After a while I told her that I could not keep it up, and that she would have to make some new friends. I was not retired (still am not!) and I explained to her that there were many educated and interesting retired people living in that area. She started with the church, moved on to Women's Club, Senior group, cooking club, etc. She soon made many good friends that had loads of free time to spend with her.
I also suggest that if your Mom still has a car, she might end up driving some of the others around. They could go on field trips together. They are not dead, they are simply retired!
You could never be a substitute for your late Father. Hopefully she will meet others in her position and see that there is still plenty of life out there.
Good Luck!
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Hi kidnumber2, yes, Mom did finally sell her house, and we moved her here October, 2014. The apartments were full by the time she came, so she lived with us for 5 months. She hated living with us, and it was challenging. I gave her 2 rooms and a bath - set up her bedroom, and a den with her TV and furniture - put her dining set in the dining room, and a stinky leather chair in the living room. We had meals together and planned to watch movies and shows she likes together - so she didn't use the den much. She wanted me to drive her somewhere everyday, so I became overwhelmed - I think she wanted it to be like it was when I visited her in Colorado, only, this was real life, not vacation. So, I limited trips to once a week, and thought she could drive up to the stores herself, I live off the main drag - only a mile from Target and the mall. But, she developed an anxiety of driving - so she still hasn't driven her car. I found out this is typical - and not to push her, so I haven't. So, we found a different apartment - further away, but they have a daily shopping bus and other activities. Her apartment is nice - she likes it - but complains she is bored - I go once a week and take her to lunch and shopping - but otherwise, she needs to build her own friends and activities. I take her to the Dr if needed, and call her, but this once a week is working well for me and all I can do with my other responsibilities. Even though our town is smaller and easy to drive in, I don't think she'll ever drive again. So, that was an unexpected consequence of her moving. I still think overall, she's happier and less stressed than alone in Colorado. She gets to see family even if not enough for her - but it really is enough. So - all in all - I think it was best for us.
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And to sunbear - I hope your Mom has moved by now and brought her dining room set with her. So heartbreaking it must be for her to leave the home she shared with your father. Does she have a member of the clergy in her community to speak with? Maybe this will ease her transition. Is there a clergy member in your area she may be able to relate to?
I am sure if she has as much vitality as you say she does she will be happy in So. Cal. Sounds like she misses your Dad and doesn't want to leave the place she spent so many years with him.
But sometimes change is good - she may find many happy things to do in your area. Maybe make an occasional trip to Co. Springs for old time's sake if that is economically possible.
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Also to Zumba girl - what you are doing is great! Smart to get your parents near you in Senior and assisted living.
I have only one comment to make which is about your disabled brother. You mentioned he has a girlfriend. Would it be realistic to expect him to leave her? Would she come to live with him near you? Do they live together now?
Although he is disabled, he is a man. It may be more difficult for him to move as he may not want to lose the companionship of his girlfriend. It sounds like that could be a bone of contention. That is why he is not helping with the packing.
Good luck.
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My Mom has a serious neurological condition and moved to Florida about 2-3 years ago to a senior residence. The place is small but comfortable for her and the care she receives there seem to be adequate. She is much more comfortable in the warm climate and has made some nice friends there.
I cannot really afford to visit her there as her place does not have a proper place for me to sleep. I could stay in a B&B nearby, but I do not drive and could not get around. It is not economically or practically feasible for me to visit her there.
She is 82 years old. She misses her family, NONE of whom live any where near her - not even within 1,000 miles!
I know she is more comfortable where she is. I think she expected all relatives to come see her there, but none of us is retired and I personally do not have the means to make this trip, pay for hotel & air and ground transportation. I am single and am many years from retirement.
I told her when she left (she lived 30 minutes away by easy public transportation from me) that I would probably not be able to visit her. I was sick for many years and do not have deep pockets, to say the least. I haven't been on any type of vacation in 13 years. Visiting my Mom is no type of vacation for me - just a huge expense to pay her a visit.
So the imperfect answer is that she is living where she is most comfortable, although none of her family are anywhere nearby.
It is very sad for me, but I can only do what I can do.
Not really looking for a solution, just replying to the author's remarks. It is a supportive and realistic article. Thank you.
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Sunbear and others ~ I moved my Father 600 miles to a Memory Care facility one hour away from where we live in the South. Six weeks later I was able to move Dad once again to a facility 10 minutes away from my home. This facility also has assisted living & Independent Living. For the last 6 months I have been handling my Mother who still lives in the house medical care, Finances, listing and trying to sell their home. and overseeing my Dad here in my town. I am still raising kids as one is in HighSchool another away at College, and a husband who travels out of the country frequently. I will be 60 soon and I do have a lot of energy, however recently I feel bombarded with so many decisions. The Independent living villa just opened up for Mom and I am planning on traveling up into the snow belt to pack her up. My husband will either drive or fly up and assist me the second week I'm there. He will drive the truck back and we will get Mom all moved in. She has been isolated, fighting shingles..and other skin conditions, with freezing crazy weather. There are over 7 close relatives and not one has visited her until Christmas (gee I wonder why)??? Within the last week Mom has said you know its not easy to move. She also has said its going to be hard to choose leaving my brother and choosing to be near Dad. Her home is completely cleared out..immaculate, absolutely nothing large to move..and she still is fretting. She just turned 78 and Dad is 80. Dad has adjusted beautifully we bring him often for dinners and just yesterday I headed over with 5 new pairs of shoes from Zappos and Dad was such a trooper trying all of them on. I am beside myself with my Mom. Sweetest woman you will ever meet, however she now is tending to my 62 yr old brothers needs and he drives her everywhere, (as mom does not drive) .However he is a major handful (biopolar, learning disabled). I also had found an apartment for my brother and was planning on moving him along with Mom. I have been asking for six weeks now for him to forward a copy of his license, ss card, and SSI info. I even sent him a letter showing copies of MY license and social security card..see this is what I need, please send..I called his bank to see if they would copy for him and of course they would. I am totally frustrated even though he say yes I want to come, I don't believe he wants to move. Packing him up will be so much more difficult as he will stand around and basically watch you do the work (he is not physically handicapped in anyway). At this point I just want to get Mom safely here and settled, I have promised her I will go back this summer and pack him up. He also has several cats and one dog. Only one pet will be allowed and as much as this breaks my heart, there is not another option. The apartment I found for him will be minutes from my parents and its geared to Seniors who need assistance..very nice also. I would appreciate any advise as I am mentally exhausted caring daily for these people. This weekend they called to let me know my brothers phone was not working....as Mom talked to me on his girlfriends cell phone. It's never ending...it's like they are helpless!
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My parents retired to Colorado Springs, I live in southern CA. He died 2 yrs ago and says she will move near me. She wants her own space and is a very active 82 yr old. I found her a great apartment 1 mile from me. I cleaned and painted her mobile home and it looks perfect - ready to sell - now, even though she constantly complains about where she lives, she won't post the for sale sign. She keeps coming up with some excuse why she hasn't yet and telling me it's because the weather is so bad. I've had to stop asking her because she was gets so angry when I do. She was having a hard time selling her dining room set for sentimental reasons and I told her I'd sell mine and she could put it in my house. She was happy and cried - but still, she waits. It's so difficult for me to travel and when I leave her, I feel so guilty - like I'm leaving a part of me behind. She only made a few friends since my Dad passed, the friends they had together have either passed as well, moved or don't call anymore. She's very alone - even her little dog died on Christmas Day - I would appreciate any advice, my approach has been to suggest and let her decide on her own time, but I fear another winter there will be too hard for her. If she doesn't sell the house and move by October, she'll have to wait another year.
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Carol, I believe old people are like big trees. If you dig out a big tree and try to replant it, it withers and dies. Now my mother-in-law was more like a potted plant, sitting at home by the window, root-bound and bored. We moved her to assisted living where, much to her surprise, she met acquaintances she had not seen in years. These were deeper roots and fertile soil, and she flourished. She blooms again with social reconnections. She is smiling once more.
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After she suffered a minor stroke, we moved my widowed 91 year old mother-in-law from the apartment in New York City where she lived for 40 years to an independent living facility 15 minutes from our home in Maryland. We couldn't drive 6+ hours each weekend to see her, and we needed to know that she was safe, had decent medical care, and was among peers. She fought us at first, but we knew she was isolated in her own apartment and we needed to make things easier for us to handle her needs.

She thrived in her new environment, attended concerts and discussions, played cards or Mah Jongg daily, and ate dinner each evening in a lovely dining room with people she could relate to. The facility had a medical center in the building, so she had all of her medical care in a convenient place.She was no longer isolated and alone. She spent 8.5 productive years there, and lived to be 99!

We are glad we "forced the issue" and insisted that she move near us. And we know that eventually, when we need more help and care, we will have to adjust to living near our daughter who lives more than 450 miles away. It is difficult to contemplate "losing control," but we know can't disrupt our childrens' lives while they are working and caring for their own children. It's important for us to keep that in mind as we age. We will all need to adjust to circumstances.
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I loved the article. I have a somewhat different problem though. Last Thanksgiving my dad and his wife announced that they wanted to move closer to me. I'm 800 miles away and I was truly elated! I've already looked for an apt. for them close to the hospitals, shopping and malls. He's 85, had a stint put in his heart and is in excellent health, considering. His wife is 74, and equally as jazzy! He's a retiree from optometry and his wife is an excellent quilt maker and overall sewer. He's also been a musician (jazz percussionist) for most of our life and is just now experiencing loss of work from drumming. But, the problem is they do not have much $$, but still want to live a certain way, which may wind up costing my husband and me. I'm thankful they are so full of life and willing to make this sudden change closer to me, but I still worry as to what's to come in the next 5 years, and can they maintain their lifestyle?
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i can relate ljj.
a facility may seem like a good solution but i dont think its for everyone. my mom and aunt are HILL- jacks. correction WE are hilljacks. my aunt is miserable in AL . she has friendly relations with the others but prefers to sit in her room with her feet propped up. she and uncle built their home by hand and rightfully loved it. the facility is really nice but it aint home.
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This is a good article as many of us face this dilemma. My mom wants to stay in her town if she goes to a facility. The only family lives long distance. It would BR hard to visit as it's agony to have to visit the town now. I'm not opposed to placing her in a facility where she lives, but don't want to be called all the time every time there is a crisis and have to try to manage long distance. On the other hand, if I were to make her move to a facility nearby, she'd be constantly unhappy and blame me for moving her.

I am leaning on moving her nearby in her town as at least it would be her wishes.
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We just moved my Mom 4 minutes away to a beautiful memory care facility. She has a truly lovely apartment. She was begging to move there from Seattle (more than an hour away). The new place is NEW. And she is the 4th resident. She is very happy during the day, but at night? Misery, loneliness and real trouble coping with so few people. She knew it was brand new, but all this has really kick dup the dementia and see-saw emotions. It is clear we will have to have dinner almost every night with her for a while. We have been doing 12 hour days every day, and we are already exhausted. I have to work. Have to. And I love my work, and just got a new opportunity. My husband is an angel and is doing all he can. But both he and I have chronic depression, and I have crashed. I hear her cry and night, and one of us zooms over there. But there is never a moment when we can really relax. Between money woes (my husband has no job), my Mom (who THANK GOD has money that takes care of her bills) and all of this, I am feeling quite panicked. Yes, I will get help and start going to a Caregiver group starting Tuesday. But this is relentless. And as I read through everything here, I realize how lucky I am. Home for Mom, a loving husband, a roof over my head. But the rationale: Other people have it much worse -- doesn't work. I HAVE to shift to gratitude mode because this feeling has got to be shifted. Thanks for letting me vent. I dread tomorrow. Our house is truly filthy, the dog needs care, my work is being neglected, my Mom's stuff is such a wreck it needs to be sorted and replaced somehow. I pray she will adjust, but I am not sure. At all. But things had to change. She is in the right place now. But it doesn't feel good to her at night. And if we are unpacking and tending all day and night, I do not know how I will support us. Does it EVER get better when someone moves? Everything I've read would say no. Any encouraging words anywhere??? THANKS!
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