I am 40 yrs old, and for the longest time recall my dad as one with bad temper and using profanity, 10 yrs ago my mother had a stroke and he was her caregiver in our house. He did what he could but it came with the fights, "when will you die" screams, and gradually went to hitting her with her walking stick. To us he was an aging tyrant, to my uncle/aunt - he was experiencing caregivers burnout,

Fights became worse and we had to send him away to uncle. Now, uncle got dad diagnosed for dementia. Takes him to our hometown for a month and gets him treated and says he is now okay. "The dementia is healed". ((i personally havent heard of how dementia is healed?))

Relatives are asking us to take him back to our house again. Since he left, we have had some form of peace :'( its not entirely ok because my 71yr old mom is spewing out anger from her pains (stroke, diabetes, CKD, severe nerve problems).

I cannot accept that dementia made my dad nasty. Because he has been so all this while. Now dementia seems like a good excuse.

We are looking at sending him to a nursing home. Im battling a guilt now feeling like im 'dumping' my parent. But he cant come home otherwise its more trouble.

Why did God create us to decline as we age? Couldnt we just have passed on in our prime or slightly less than prime days?

My husband was a pastor until 12/2017 when he was diagnosed with frontotemporal disorder and mild cognitive impairment. I think he has now decided that he is my Holy Spirit.

I constantly hear that I'm arrogant, proud, nasty, uncaring, lacking compassion, lacking patience, lacking love, self-righteous, crazy, fat, ugly, disgusting, I make too much noise when I swallow, eat, or breathe, the computer is my god, etc. It gets old.

I went out the door today to take the desktop in for repair and tried to explain to him what I would be doing while out and when I would get home and he started yelling at me, "You wanna fight? That's all you ever want to do." So I left without finishing the conversation. I came home with lunch for him at 1:45 and he immediately greeted me with, "I'm not eating, it is too late for lunch." I told him I tried to explain what time I would be home before I left but he had refused to listen. Got called an arrogant self-righteous, crazy b****.

Constantly telling myself, "Broken brain" is getting old. My 40yo son (lives in our basement) thinks his father needs to go to a home but I don't think he is to that point yet. One day at a time.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for writing so cogently about Alzheimers and how to handle it. I'm lucky no-one has it but a friend has some kind of frontal lobe deterioration and I want to prepare to be helpful. So much of this was well written and helpful.

You need to read the book called "THE 36 HOUR DAY"
It has a lot of good info. Some of which you've already figured out, but so much more. I found mine at a 2nd hand shop. You can also buy it online. It won't be wasted money.

I am curious about kitchen rage. I care for an elderly parent who is difficult to keep from entering the kitchen at meal times.
He has become a kitchen exploder. How common is this?
It can happen before the meal when he smells the food and is hungry. More commonly it occurs after the meal when he attempts to assist. Absolutely anything will cause him to red-zone and explode. A dirty cup, any water on the bench, my putting a utensil in the correct location after he has put it somewhere inappropriate. No warning - just the profanity, anger and rage - nearly always in the kitchen. Physical safety - for us both- is an obvious issue.

Ouch (for some of us). This line from the article is what hurts me the most: "Keep in mind that dementia-related behaviors like increased swearing and outbursts are different from someone who has a history of being verbally abusive. "

After a few calls to the Alzheimer's Hotline, they finally told me it sounded as if my mother was always abusive and that age can either decrease or increase the abusiveness. They said what I was describing wasn't dementia, but instead was an increase in what she always did to me. I keep wanting to have her cruelness to me be due to an illness like dementia, but instead it's just how she is to me. So hard to not think I'm not enough to be loved by my own mother....

My mom, who passed this year, had Alzheimer's disease and became verbally inappropriate sometimes using profanity. Prior to the symptoms and behaviors associated with the disease my mother was very mild mannered, respectful and never used profanity. With the disease sometimes it appeared she was looking for the "shock factor", sometimes profanity was used when she was frustrated about something. There were times it sounded like she was "channeling" my late father who used profanity a lot, some times just to get on my mother's nerves because he knew she hated it. During the times my mother sounded like my father it was hard not to laugh as we (siblings and I) didn't want to encourage the behavior. I learned early on - through reading and support groups - to redirect when possible but other times not to frustrate myself or her by trying to stop what she may not have had control over. Like many behaviors and personality changes - this too passed. Such as another behavior change, like use of profanity, that we knew was a result of loss of "home training" and inhibltions - my mother would let out the biggest belches, something she never did and would have scolded us if we did such a thing. C'est la vie. Since my mother used the profanity not in an abusive way toward anyone, we realized there were more important more pressing issues and concerns to deal with.

My mom never used foul language or made accusatory remarks until Alzheimer's came knocking at the door. The first time she told me to "drop dead and go 'someplace warm,' " (over nothing, I might add), I was appalled, but by the tenth time, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that humor was a sane way to deal with an insane situation. I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."

I learned not to take her insults personally. I knew it was the disease talking.

My mom is becoming increasingly more verbally abusive to my son and I as her memory declines. I can deal with her "public" outbursts as most happen in drive thru lines, where she despises waiting. She gets loud and yells out the window about the wait, calling the bank teller or whomever, slow or stupid.
The verbal abuse is something I just can't handle. I've been in abusive relationships before, and I just can't handle this part of the disease from my mom. She's also becoming more physically abusive to our pets. Her neurologist is aware of the situation, but things just don't seem to be moving fast enough, or at all, in his end. I'm afraid she'll end up in a diabetic coma or jail before her doctor comes through.

My mother has started using very bad language towards her carers,

i like a good blue streak and i haveta say that 90 % of the people im around relax and pour out some of their own once they realize i consider it legitimate communication .
ie;
" well he can just forget about it "
vs
" he can cram it up his square a** " .
theres no contest . the latter is just more fun and theres nothing wrong with life being fun along the way .

I don't even know why our parents tell us to stop cursing when they do it themselves.

I had this uncle who used profanity from the time he woke up in the morning until the time he went to sleep at night. Everything was gd this or gd that. He only lived 69 years, and he was a great person to have around in spite of the profanity. He also did not live in an assisted living facility; he owned and operated a printing business for a good long time. He had this stuffed toy poodle dog with a bow in its hair, and when I would come to visit for a weekend, I would request that he hand the dog over to me because I would not go to sleep unless I had that dog.

My MIL swears up a storm. Only at me and other caregivers. She's nice as pie to everyone else. It's verbal abuse and I struggle with being called "a %#" all day long. It's the foul mouth that bothers me the most and it hurts when it's directed squarely at me. Other people (except caregivers) comment on how "sweet" she is. Sometimes I tell her "that's enough - you are not allowed to take God's name in vain in my house." She'll answer back with lots of swear words but not in God's name. So she know what she's doing. The sting from her words really never goes away. :( She has been on hospice for 2 years.......but she bellows out curses all day. Such a strong voice and she tries to kick and punch too. We have tried all kinds of meds.... no meds......different med combos. The verbal abuse continues unless she is drugged to the point of constantly sleeping.... :(

My dad is in an assisted living facility. Lately his angry outbursts are upsetting the other residents, especially when they happen in the dining room or other gathering spots. Any ideas of helping to diffuse situations.

I only wish my Dad would only drop "F" bombs and say cuss words. He is 83 years old born and raised in So. Arkansas. He uses the "N" word. I have apologized over and over to the aids/nurses/staff. Regardless of how much training these people have, yelling the "N" word at the top of his lungs takes its toll on the staff but I have no way to stop him from saying it. So I'm now looking for nHome # 4 and I feel its because of this behavior and language.

I have dealt with my mom's behavior my whole life...she has had brain injury most of her life. Never knew what her mood would be but most of the time she was very loving an happy woman. Now most of the time its the cranky and profanity just flies out of her mouth now. She never used to cuss at all. Usually the profanity words are directed to me...i try to ignore them most of the time but its hard to hear.

I bought your book Elder Rage but never got around to reading it. I think it's because I'm not ready to face what you had to dealt with when your father attacked you. It just brings up memories of mine. But I wanted to read it because I know that I would learn how to deal with father's anger/violence.

You're so right about not letting the angry words, cussing and especially the F**ker, etc.. get to me. Which it still does. Desensitize. That's really the key. Thank you.

This is about the most down to earth helpful article i have read on this subject. Thank you Jacqueline. You know what you are talking about, You are living the hell and turmoil but have created ways that work for dealing with your parents without destroying yourself. By seperating the people you are caring for from your loving parents you are able to stand aside and deal appropriately with unwelcome and often surprising behaviour (at least the first ime they use an unaccepable word) I gratly admire the amount of research you have done and are able to retain and use everyday i imagine your experience in the TV world gave you lots of experience with dealing with those who behaved less than well as happens in so many organizations.
I will be following you with great interest and want to read more but having begun this post can't leave it or i will loose it. This site is a very good example of "use it or loose it" Thank you again for your insight.

I am caregiver of my elderly father who uses racially charged language. He chooses not to use this hate-language in social settings. For example, he does not choose to use tis language in the presence of others at the senior retirement home where he lives. He is calculated about when and where he uses the foul hate-speech. He hides this nastiness from the other residents and from the staff members at the senior home. I'm quite sure they would be aghast to learn that he is capable of such nastiness. He manages to demonstrate 'charm' and seeming empathy in these social settings. However, when he's not in this type of setting, he scopes out opportunities to use this language in my presence. I usually get a sense when he is about to launch the n-word. I watch him with much more awareness now. I have learned not to drop my guard. He has 'tells'. And, I've gotten wise to them. His methodology is cowardly. His approach resembles a toddler boy seeking out an inappropriate place to hide and urinate, just for the fun of it.

He understands, very clearly, that I am offended by hate-speech. I have, on numerous occasions, asked him to not use the language. He waits until there is no one else in his proximity, but me, then fires off the n-word in description of others. The n-word is then shortly followed by additional judging and critical remarks about the person's hair texture and hair style, etc. If his target is a woman, he will, then, add offensive stereotyping remarks about her anatomy.

He speaks this way as if he were talking about the weather. This unconscionable behavior is not attributable to cognitive decline...and, even then, it wouldn't be something I would give him a pass for.

This man has used this ignorant, offensive, bigoted language since I can remember. I was ashamed of him for it in my growing years ...I am even more ashamed of him now, considering the huge amount of resources -physical, emotional, financial- that we have invested, and that has been steered to him and away from my own immediate families limited budget. It's a very disappointing to come to a place of understanding that a parent can be this disrespectful and ungrateful of their adult child's efforts to advocate for them.

I'm fed up with bigoted, elderly people getting a 'pass' for using racial slurs -'any' bigoted, hate-centric language. That 'generation' is not an excuse to be cruel and void of humanity. I can't fathom what in the world has people responding to this kind of trash-mouth stupidity with, "Well...It's just their generation". Good God...Grow a back bone, society, and tell your elderly family member, or any other old coot, that he/she best be careful -real careful...Cuz one day you're going to say 'that word' in the wrong place, at the wrong time...and I'm not going to be able to defend/protect you. It's called 'consequences' for your bad choices.

My husband and I have treated him to dinner out to give him a change of scenery from the chefs menu at his senior home -3 meals a day, 'served' to him by wait staff, but, my father will only eat lots of beef, pork, starches, and sweets. He does not have funds for treating himself to dinner. Our intention and hope has been to facilitate connection and a quality of time together as a family. The last two times he has been treated to a meal, by me or by me and my husband, he has gone out of his way to display this shameful behavior...much like that of a baboon displaying his back side.

I'm not commenting because I am seeking suggestions on how I might deal with his behavior. I know what I should do. He has one, last opportunity to choose to behave in a decent manner. If he want to use every four-letter word in his vernacular, as a place holder for his customary trash-mouth, hate-speech while we are dining out; I will be agreeable to give him a pass for 'that'.

I am implementing the 3 strikes method of teaching appropriate behavior. One more time, you call someone that word -while we are going out of our way to make room in our very tight budget to treat you to you a meal out with an expectation that you can manage to behave like a person who doesn't judge others by the color of their skin- and you're out. You are not too old and ailing to know 'exactly' what kind of damage you're doing. Remember, Dad....There are consequences for your choices.

By DIL I meant Dad in law. I'm the stepdaughter. My user name is stressed DIL which I should have called stressed SDIL(meaning stressed step daughter in law).

My DIL who has always had anger issues is getting worse in his behavior, especially toward me. He is my stepdad(when I was 30 he married my mother) and seems to be jealous of my relationship to my mother(who now has dementia-early stages).
When I suggest something that might help her he becomes quite upset. Yesterday I was talking to my mother on the phone(she can't hear well at all-esp. on the phone) and mentioned that when my daughter and family come to visit in a couple of weeks, they can come to the birthday party for the grandsons that will be at their in-laws .In the same conversation I mentioned how hot it was going to be that day(close to 100 degrees). She immediately said she'd go tell her husband to turn on the air conditioner. Since he never wants to spend any money on air conditioning, I think she's afraid to do it on her own. Minutes after hanging up the phone, my DIL called back and spoke to my husband. He told him to go "kick my butt" and to tell me to stop micromanaging their life. He brought up the birthday party and the air conditioning issue. This kind of behavior has been getting worse every time they come here to town(they live here for 6 mo. every year. He has been quite upset that he even had to put the air conditioner up this year. We can't handle visiting them unless it is on. When his daughter and her children came for a visit, he gave in when my husband went over and insisted it was a good idea(his daughter's son is a Down Syndrome child with heart problems and had gotten overheated when he arrived). Only then did he allow it to be put in. When they go home in November, he didn't want to leave the heat on during the cold winter months at all. We had to be insistent, as the home was beginning to smell moldy as we live in a damp climate where it rains all the time. He resented that heating bill(my mother said she'd help pay for heat out of her small retirement account. He has been retired on disability with a very good government retirement, so it really isn't because he has little money. He spends money on all the things he wants- like new computers when he needs one, big bill for Satellite cable in both homes, eating out whenever he feels like it- and loves to take out family members and pay the bill. Now, he's going on a new diet that costs $250 a month. Since he has been on heart medications for years, after his heart procedures, including angioplasty, bypass, etc. we are thinking that maybe the nine medications he is on could have led to his emotional moods being magnified and he wants to be in control of his life. We can tell that he must be afraid of losing his independence and so he is overprotecting my mother and pushing us away. He still drives here from out of state and even has had my mother drive when he gets tired(she shouldn't be driving). Although she forgets to check dates on their food and needs help now with housecleaning(our son is paid to come in twice a month and clean),
I think he is upset in seeing that she won't be able to do this much longer. We are withdrawing from going to their home very often as we are never sure what might upset him.My mother always tried to calm him down behind the scenes when she could hear better and was able to see how his behavior was so unkind. We love her very much and she never complains. I'm afraid we won't know if he ever begins to be abusive toward her. Has anyone gone through similar behavior. How have any of you kept the relationships more peaceful and yet been able to help the situation? This is made harder as our DIL is not our biological parent(came into the picture when my mother was 54 and he was 8 years younger than her. ) He treated her as a queen when they dated and still seems to care very much for her. But, she is quite passive now, and he wants everything his way(very dominant). He doesn't like changes at all- and gets very angry toward family members who make plans(as to go to a restaurant, for example) and then make a change before they take place. He will blow up at the drop of a hat. And then call that person names -usually behind their back. With us, he now tells us to our face. It is all very stressful and hurtful.

i am experiencing some of these bad behaviors with my husband his behavior is extremely bad cursing, striking calling me all kind of bad names but i learned to just ignore him and keep on doing what i'm doing and in a little while he has said or done sometimes you have to try different avenues in order to get through the day. There has been times i will just take him for a ride and that makes him happy for a while. to tell you the truth you cannot keep them happy because their mind doesn't tell them that they are doing wrong. I pray that we all can make it over this hurdle.

reading this one gave me some encouragement at least... unlike your parents, my mom is demented not because of old age but of a stroke attack, it altered her memory and frequently repeats questions with obvious answers... it's irritating really, not because im exhausted answering her with the same answers but to the fact that she's too young to experience this thing... she used to memorize all the clothes that i have including all the designs of my numerous hankies and never failed to remind me all the things that i might have forgotten before i leave home...

When my MIL used to do whatever it was that made her swear, depending on her mood, I would agree with her and tell her that she's a great-grandmother and she shouldn't do those things. What if her great-grandchildren were visiting her and she did that, she'd be embarrassed?!?! She is a gentle, caring person and wants to help everyone. It may not have been the best way to deal with it, but it worked for me.

Thanks for this information. My mother is having intermittent dementia - her latest episodes are that she wants to leave my home because she is being raped - when the episode is over she has no memory of what she said and cries that she would say such a thing because she knows she is loved and safe. It is so hard.

I too have had to listen to the "f" word , and it is a horrible thing to go through--to hear your once classy Dad speak in such a way. One doctor told me to "not let him get away with that", so the next time Dad tried that, I told him in a firm parental voice that I would not tolerate him speaking like that to me, and I meant it. He actually has complied. I don't know if this type of limit-setting will work in other cases, and I suspect it won't, but it's worth a try. The other thing I do is leave the room when he starts getting comabitive/abusive.

I used to just agree with Dad, "Yes, it's all gone to h3ll!"

Or mildly chastize him, the way I would my children. It is just part of the deterioration and the lack of inhibition. You are right, yearight - just gotta laugh!

Hang in there. Your dad can't help it. I know it is very difficult. My dad has dementia to. He is very pleasant 98% of the time, but he does like to argue about bathing and dr. visits. His thing is " don't beat me" and "she has a big stick". This was very frustrating at first but by now everyone knows that this is not true. Still, I have to make light of it whenever we go somewhere new. You have to find the humor in things or you will go nuts. You are a very loving daughter.