I feel firmly ..that people should be held accountable for their actions , just because someone is old and frail and related to you ... dosent make them someone you should welcome in your home ....some people just destroy people around them ...if a parent is thistype of person ..make a decision for your own mental health ..forgive them ..but don't live with them

Oh I realy needed to read this today, it,s been a couple of years of caring on and off for my Dad who is remarried ( his wife is only there when things are good , they've been together for 30 years, 10 years longer than he was with my Mom, but she bails everytime he gets sick, and sadly , Dad as no spine whatsoever, so I get to be the caregiver and "person in charge" when he's sick, while being juged by his wife and her children .. they feel I'm not enough in charge. The guilt and anger is eating at me.. I'm always the one left with the mess, and when things get better my Dad goes on vacation and spends his time with them and I,m left just waititng for the next issue to come up.. Dad was a tipical 60's Dad not interfering in the brigning up of children being serve his diner and brought his slippers.. no involvment or help to my mom who cattered to him till she couldn,t take it anymore.. . She passed in 1999- I have on sibbling ,an older sister who hasn,t seen him in decades.. so I feel responsible for my dad and an elderly aunt the last two of the family.. And on top of that I feel guilty of never doing enough.. so these comments are really a great comfort right now. Thanks for reading.
J.

Sometimes, the best way to 'Honor your father and mother', is to do it from a SAFE distance.
Use rational logic to respond only to reasonable, realistic, necessary-to-deal-with basic issues for them--from a safe distance.

AND work on forgiveness of whatever they did.
They could only do what they knew how to do at that time, based on their own upbringing, learning, & mental/emotional limits.
For instance: Your success at making YOUR life better, or some ability to help others, was likely stimulated by their dysfunction at or upon you---your ability to make your life better, and maybe e make other lives better because of that, MIGHT be something to be thankful for.

Here's my thoughts:

"Honor thy father and mother." (honor thy father and mother if they were honorable. you do not have to honor anyone who is not honorable, they are just lessons to you to propel you to do better in your life and for you not to become like them.)
In my experience, my parents are not honorable. They were and still are both verbally and spiritually abusive and destructive to me. They are not invalid because they have each other and can still care for themselves. If they are to the point where they become invalid, then I may delegate the responsibilities to their kin they were actually nice to or to a social worker.

Now 2nd question people may ask, "Are you a bad person or should you feel guilty if you don't or can not care for your dishonorable parents?" Here's my answer. Think about karma. What goes around comes around. And another quote I like, "The best revenge is to do nothing." (I remember this quote to those who have hurt and betrayed me. Really the best revenge is to do nothing because when you do nothing and you live your life, then you're already even. It is the person(s) who have hurt you who have to deal with karma.

Another one to think about. There are no VICTIMS just VOLUNTEERS. When you make a choice to do something, you are a volunteer. It's silly to say that you are victim of your own choice because you had no choice? Remember you are not obligated to care for people who have disrespected you. It is a choice and you are a volunteer when you make that choice.

Feel free to add to my comment.

I absolutely agree with appaloosa; if you aren't able to care for your aging parents because of past grievances then you should not feel like you have to. Especially in the case of some type of abuse. Caregiving is a tremendous amount of responsibility and stress under the best of circumstances. Better to say no then to put your family at risk for continued abuse.

You DON'T have to do it. If you feel motivated to care for them and can afford to get therapy to deal with past abuse and then become their caregiver, go for it. If you don't have BOTH the money and desire, you don't have to care for them. If there are other siblings that don't have the emotional baggage, give them the job. Don't ASK them, tell them. If the parent has money, they can pay for their own care manager and care. If they don't, too bad. There are agencies in many places that can take over.

The last thing you want to do is be in a situation where you get to parent your own bad parent. The temptation to show them what it was like will be huge but you don't want to go there.

Do not let a hospital discharge her to your care if you don't want to accept that responsibility. You have to say no in advance. Be strong.

Carol this is an excellent article. On a personal level, I was able to forgive my parents years ago (thanks to lots of therapy). I'm not sure I could have handled my mom's death, if I had not forgiven her a long time ago. I continue to work on the "healthy" boundary part of forgiveness with my dad but I love him. I know he did the best he could as a parent and I know he does the best he can now but it's not easy at times for me and my sister.

On a professional level, I teach classes on this topic and am amazed at how the power to forgive can heal the person actively working on the forgiveness. Often in my practice (GCM), I work with families that have a lot of resentment and bitterness towards a parent. No doubt, it's difficult to be there for your elderly parent when they weren't there for you. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this issue because it's not an easy one...

I had a deadbeat dad, who gave up parenting when I was 7, and decided he wanted his own life. There was mostly verbal and emotional abuse, rather than physical. Now, I am in the position of caring for him, and the resentment I have is eating me up inside. I know it's my duty to take care of people in need, but I am resentful that he didn't want to participate when I was in need. Thanks for this article, it is nice to know I am not alone.

As a counselor I have helped clients manage their way through situations that I couldn't imagine but see how acceptance, understanding, boundaries and getting outside assistance can all work.
In many cases, especially those with lost memory or alcohol/ drug use that influenced to neglect or abuse - as adult children we need to move to understanding that they really don't remember what they did. It is our burden not being able to forget not theirs - so it is important to seek understanding and comfort to carry us. The energy used to try to get a person to confess, reveal or validate our pain can be better spent on loving those who are willing and able now. Never feel guilty if you use others - whether professional or just available - their objectivity may be exactly what is needed.

It takes a lot of audacity for an elderly parent who was abusive toward their children to even consider help from their adult children. It has taken me years of therapy to get over my anger issues of my dysfunctional parents. My elderly parents are users and abusers and have always been. I will never become a hands on caregiver to them. I still resent them, but now I have my self respect in tact and the fortitude to keep them at a distant.

Depending on the level of abuse "don't do it." My mother dangled an inheritance in front of me for 30 years then stabbed me in the back. Get away and stay away. Beware of the "Stockholm Syndrome."

Deep and easy-triggered guilt stems from being groomed for it as a child.
Know that, and confront those feelings every time they pop up
--demand the feeling of guilt or low self-esteem try to validate itself in reality
--they cannot.
Because those feelings of low self-esteem and guilt were PLANTED in us so young, they seem like they might be real
--but they are not.
CHALLENGE negative thoughts
--try to find where they come from
--usually, they are false constructs.
THEN replace those with what is real--you did a good job on _______., etc.
Start building memories of touchstone moments of things you know you did good at. USE those to replace the false negatives.
Keep working at it--for it is like constantly having to keep fishing nets repaired.
You are worth it!

Thanks so much for your advice Chimonger and Bookworm,it's work changing old behavior and guilt is the worse to undue.I have a guilt complex too.

Some people are so scared, so focused on fears, they cannot see when someone is doing something nice or good for them.
They are stuck.
When someone treats you badly, it is THEM who has the problems, not the one who is targeted. IT still hurts when they go off on us, though.
So it is important to do what you can, to keep working on healing you, getting more intestinal fortitude!

Keep up the good work
--sometimes it is only "baby steps"--but keep trying to learn how to set limits on Other's use of you and your resources.

Consider they are behaving as toddlers--if you are doing your best parenting for your 3 year old child, you set limits on what they can and cannot do, right?
Same thing with adults who are acting like 3 year olds.
That is basically what that kind of family members are doing with their weird behaviors.

Keep up with setting rational, sensible boundaries.
You have every right to do so!
It takes time and repetition to learn it
--since we didn't grow up being taught how.

We were taught to keep letting people door-mat us.
Just keep looking at yourself in the mirrors around the house,
and repeating " I AM WORTH it! I am LOVED. I AM valued"
---And whatever else is sensible to re-teach yourself to say to yourself.
When families cannot say those things to us as children,
when our self-esteems are being formed,
we must learn to do that for ourselves, as adults, to help heal.

If we keep telling ourselves we are stupid, or any other negative, then we become that.
If we say "I love you!" while we look ourselves in the eyes using a mirror, our subconscious mind will listen, and our poor self-esteems will heal.

Little tricks like that take time
--when one with poor self esteem first tries that, it often gets tears, at first.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.

{{{hugs!}}}
Chi

I have a very sensitive guilt complex. I even feel bad when I kill a mosquito that's biting me! I can't even squash a bug. So, my family knows how to "play" me. I always end up giving them money cuz I feel so bad. Like the one-time therapist told me: "You have difficulty saying No."

So if you ever find the solution on how to Stop Feeling Unnecessary Guilt (without counseling, cuz I too cannot afford one), please let me know! Just click on my name and Post the message.

Thankyou Chimonger,Bookworm for your kind words.Right now I can't afford counseling but I look into what you said Chimonger.I know I need it.Bookworm,thankyou for sharing that.Lots of people who I talk to came from good families and don't understand.I been lurking on this website and taken it all in.I realize I'm not alone.Sometimes I feel like a weird odd ball because I have such a crazy family.And here's a another kicker,my husband's family isn't any better.I feel so alone.I'm determine however to keep on going and look to the good things in life.But these toxic family wants to get their hooks in and ruin us.I'm in protect mode right now.I look at my kids and think I have to do it for them.It's not easy going against the flow.My husband and I are both black sheep because we are unwilling to allow selfish family to rule with their abuse.My husband is a people pleaser and he went through heck with his family as well.That's another story.He probably could use therapy too.

I did-do try helping my parents.They just don't want to do what's right.Just complain and drag me down in the mud with them.My kids understand why I have to keep arm distance with my parents.They saw the crazy.My youngest daughter who is 9,I had to pull her back,because my mom saw her as a little therapist.My youngest is a care taker by nature like I was.My little girl was getting stress and I saw it and told my mom no more.You will not use her as a dumping ground like you did to me.Of course my mom said "your jealous" her famous words I heard all my life.Well I'm rambling sorry.This is going to be an interesting journey since I won't allow family who always got their way-not get their way.My problem isn't folding under pressure but guilt,and my reacting to bad behavior.Thanks again for your advice and I'll be coming here often.God bless everyone here!

Folgers, I was abused as a child but I have Reluctantly willingly chosen to care for my parents - due to religious reasons: Honor your father and your mother. I was 23 years old when my mom was diagnosed. I was not fortunate like my siblings to flee the home as soon as they came of age. I "found God" at around 22 years old. When mom needed full-time help, I had to follow the Bible. I really didn't want to. I remember crying to a fellow believer that I didn't want to care for her. I didn't love her. I don't know my mom. I remember her telling me that I may not know if I love mom but I really do, deep inside. Whatever!!! I can honestly say, that if I was not so dedicated to God back then, I would have walked out on my parents.

It's now 23 years later and I really thought that mom is soon going to die since she's on the last stages of Alz (bedridden, no voluntary movement, oxygen machine and feeding tube.) Soon I will be free. I already had plans to move out and follow my dreams of travelling. Then, Dad had his stroke last year and is now bedridden. I now have 2 bedridden parents. This past June, it hit me that my life is a prison that I will never be free from caring for them.

So I decided to kill myself this past June. But there was a part of me that didn't want to die. I posted on this site for help and received some very good advice. Since I must (due to very strict religious reasons) care for parents, I come to this site to vent, vent and vent.

Folgers, you have came a long way and survived your childhood. It took hard work to get where you are now. Let me tell you this about Dysfunction Family that you may have forgotten and maybe now are beginning to remember: If you go back to caring for your parents, you will be dragged down. There is no If, Ands or Buts about it. Their negativity will sneak slowly into your life and suck out all the good and positive in your life. .which in turn will affect your immediate family.

My advice is to carry with you your family's photo. It's for THEM that you will Not care for your dysfunctional family. You do not Have to care for your parents. Your father has money but he's so tight with it, he would cling to it and have You use your money. His money is for their care. If he has no money, then there's the Medicaid option, etc...

If you feel guilty and want to do something to help them? Then research for home care or whatever services there that can help with your parents. Present these options to parents and it's up to them to decide what they want to do. Leave it with them. Let it be known real clear that you have your own family now, and they must come first in your life.

Please stand firm - for yourself and your wonderful husband and children. Trust me, this is very rare! Hugs!!!

folgers,
You cannot be forced to be her caretaker.
They can ask...you can say "no".
It absolutely sounds like you need to "just say NO!"

It also sounds like you could really use some good counseling to help you sort yourself out, to get onto a better track. It really can help lots!
Anyone who has been abused, USUALLY [not always] has PTSD [post traumatic stress disorder] complicating their lives.
There is help for that, behaviorally, not just medications.
Methods like "EMDR" and various tapping or behavior educations, really help.

Feeling guilty comes from the early childhood programming you got--that is supposed to help a child build strong foundations upon which to build their lives, to help them cope with what life dishes out.
When families are so dysfunctional, the foundation blocks they build in their children are all skew-geed, and therefore, poor place to build a life on, same as a house built on poor foundations.
Parents and families that cannot manage their lives well, program their kids to be subject to them--the dysfunctional parents cannot control themselves or their lives, so they control their kids--usually badly.

The guilt a kid feels, after growing up in what you describe, is not their own--it is the parents.
They can only manipulate you as long as they can keep you feeling off-kilter and guilty.
YES! They absolutely "groomed" it into you. They might not even be aware of it.
They likely got it groomed into them by previous dysfunctional generations--in our family, I have information proving abusive behaviors go back at least three generations.

Sick people will keep blaming whoever makes an easy target, as long as they think they can keep doing it. Age is no excuse--there is NEVER any good excuse to let someone keep doing that.
LEAST OF ALL, to allow keeping doing it to yourself in their absence, by running the old tapes, or letting them keep pushing your buttons with each phone call or letter or email, etc.

IF you do not have budget for counseling, check with your local welfare department, to ask if they can help you find ones who work on sliding scale, or free.
Seek counselors who have real credentials from real schools--not just a church member who "has their heart in the right place".

You have survived so much!
You have children who need you to give them better than you got as a kid.
They look to you to learn how to handle what the world dishes out.
They watch how you do things, and they follow your lead.
Make it the best one you can manage!
You deserve better, and so do your kids.
You are WORTH IT.
If you have to put sticky notes on mirrors, reminding you of uplifting verses, statements, or whatever, do it.
If you need to post pleasant "picture vacations" on the refrigerator, that help lead your mind and heart to pleasant places, do it.
Learn relaxation techniques, methods of calming your mind and heart, when deep in a stressful situation.
Learn to set realistic limits on Others' use of you--your resources and time.
Learn to QUESTION the voices that keep dishing guilt, or whatever else--question if that is real, and what is it really from?
Lots of what our minds tell us about ourselves, is false.
We must question all that, and put it into context of what is actually happening.
Counseling can help learn these things!

I wish you well, and to have Joyful, Peaceful heart!

{{{hugs!}}}
Chi

There is no way I can be my parents care giver.I too been through abuse.Emotional,sexual abuse.My parents never should've gotten married.They made each other miserable and put me in the middle growing up.My mother tried to use me as her therapist since I was little.She would tell me about her sex life or lack of it.Whenever her and my dad fought,she would then take it out on me.My mom would always accuse us kids,especially me of stealing her things.I never ever did!She burden me so much like I was her mother and I had to be there for her emotionally.Now I'll admit her marriage to my dad is awful but she never took responsibility for any of her choices in life.All she did is blame blame blame.And I felt so responsible for her emotional well being instead of the other way around.

Now for my dad.Selfish to the core.It was all about him growing up as well.He would go on vacation without us always.Golf on the weekends,golfed on Holidays.Never ate at the table with us.We had to bring food up to him so King could eat in his chair with his programs without being disturb.He would rage in instance if things didn't go his way.He was a cheapskate as well.It was always about money.He has plenty of it but its only for him.He didn't love my mom.She was his servant.The only thing that matters to him is golf.He has hit her a few times in front of us kids too.There was no love in our home just anger and crazy.

I also was sexually abused by 2 people growing up.From 6 years old to about 12.My mother knew because I told when I was little.She said I was lying.Everything was swept under the carpet and to this day I got to act like as if it didn't happen.My mother defends these two idiots to this day and tries to get me to feel sorry for them?WTH?My mother isn't happy for my life that I have now.I'm married to a wonderful man that waits on ME.He so kind and loving and puts the kids first.And he's so generous with his money.He is the total opposite of my dad.Both my parents neglected my health teeth.Never got involved in my school.My dad wouldn't even fill out fafsa so I could get grants.Both of my parents try to sabotage us kids being happy and successful in life.

Fast forward.My mother fell down the stairs.My dad always wanted the basement door open.I pleaded for them to keep it shut.Well my mother fell down at 3 in the morning.She broke 5 of her ribs,shattered her left arm, fractured vertabre, 5 i think in her back neck.She was in the basement for 3 hours.Cold losing blood.My father calls what do I di your mother fell.I screamed call 911!She was in the hospital for almost 4 weeks including rehab PT.I was there everyday trying to help,uplift my mom as usual.I'm 39 years old with for kids.2 teens,2 younger ones.My hands are already full.I tried to talk to anyone at the hospital about my mom.I believe she's depressed.She does'nt excersise.She won't do what she has to do to make her life better.All she does is complain and be negative.Nobody listen.


My dad is pissed off that he has to take care of her.He is being put out.OMG!After all the hand on waiting on him his mother,step father over the years.My mom is 70 he is 77 and still working.He doesn't need the money but wants to get out of the house.I understand this but I have my hand full and all he care is about golf and his pleasures.My mom is so negative and paranoid she stop the PT from coming to her house.She won't let me in.She's been accusing me of rotten stuff again like when I was little.She even accuse me of putting peanut butter in the cheesecake that I made for her(she has an allergy to peanuts).She more than abusive than ever.She won't go to the doctors either.She thinks they are all quacks.She doesn't have any friends no more.She's been saying more crazy things too.I told my dad I think she has dementia and she needs to follow up with the doctors or he'll be held for neglect if something goes wrong.(I don't really know this I was just trying to get her to go).He said I don't care if I get arrested.But he sure does care about the state trying to get his money.I argued with my dad and mom that either they take care of what they have to do or leave me be.They are both toxic and unhappy and they want me right there like when I was little,referee again.I can't,I won't bring my kids there anymore because they start screaming and cussing at each other in front of my kids.They don't care.And my momalways pulls this stuff when I'm there,like that's the only time she can get at him.There is so much more that has happened.I just can't get it all out at once.I feel so bad for my mom but she won't do anything about her problems.EVER.Even when she inherit 70,000 dollars,what did she do?She spent it on herself and things for her house.She didn't want to try to get out or do anything to care of herself.Like I said she blames my dad and everyone else why her life is so bad.Her self pity is making me sick and I just can't stand to be around her anymore or my dad.He only wants me around for what I could do for him.Not be with me or his grand kids because he loves us.Only what I could do for him.My mom and dad don't care about the grand kids or my oldest is in college or if he needs any help.It's all about them.My mom can get around on her own now and she's back to cooking all for my dad.The baby only cared about who was going to cook for him since my mother couldn't.

I've allowed myself into a depression that I am not willing to stay because of their choices and selfishness.My dad won't take her and she refuses to go to the doctor.But then want me to fix their problems.I been really thinking about when the time comes for both if they can't take care of themselves.I can't do it for my own emotional well being and health.Both of them would say to me oh we save OUR money for when something happens we can take care of ourselves.Now that something happened they change their tune and don't want to use their money.I know what they expect.And they didn't do it for me.At 13 I been running away from home and taking care of my self.Those two never put my best interest first and they are both still the same.I'm sure other people will judge or this and that,but I don't care.Nobody knows what I went through.And I'm not going back to it.I fight guilt everyday.Why do I feel so guilty?I'm sure my parents groomed this into me.It is toxic poison and I have to let it go.Either they will have to hire someone or go to AL.My dad tries to dangle his money like a carrot to me.Not happening.I'd rather have peace of mind and my emotional well being than money.

My mother was abusive to me when I was a child, she saw me as a maid or servant there to look after her and my father and brothers (I wouldn't do it though!). She was constantly angry at me for failing to live up to her standards of what a daughter should be. She wouldn't let me speak if we went out of the house, then when I was school age I was only allowed to speak if someone spoke to me first.

I was a very thin sickly child, and I believe this was due to her neglecting to feed me properly. I have no recollection of being offered breakfast or lunch, only food at dinnertime when my father was there to see. My brothers were allowed to torment the life out of me - she would smile indulgently and egg them on, then tell me I ought to be grateful I had two brothers.

She used to constantly compare me to other more "perfect" daughters and bemoan my not being more like them, to the point where she nearly emptied my bedroom one afternoon when I was 9 or 10 and gave all my things to another woman who's daughters were "much nicer children than you, they deserve those things, you don't".

She begrudged buying anything for me when I was a child, she would handmake my clothes as it was cheaper to make than buy, My brothers didn't have to wear handmade clothes though! She got angry as hell that she couldn't give me my brothers' old school uniforms to wear because I was a girl and couldn't go to school in boys clothes, she bought the cheapest generic skirts and blouses she could find and I remember having socks when I was 12y/o that I'd been wearing to school when I was 7 or 8 y./o.

I have tried to leave home many times in the last 30 years and every time I got away I ended up back at home. 15 years ago my father had a near fatal heart attack and was declared to be terminally ill from heart disease. So I stayed home and did my daughterly duty and cared for him. Then my mother became ill herself with normal pressure hydrocephalus and I became carer to both of them. He needed much more care than she did and she resented it wholesale. Then when he died she revelled in being the "poor widow" for a while, and actually started being nice to me. So I stayed to continue caring for her. Then she segued into dementia and her behaviour has become unbearable again, she has made it quite clear that my brothers will be left everything in her will and I will be given nothing as I don't deserve anything.

I recently found out about narcissistic personality disorder and all became clear. I am not fighting the system tooth and nail (Ireland) to get her put in residential care.

I always knew I was gonna end up taking care of Mom.
Her own Mother worried repeatedly about what was going to become of her daughter, who always needed others to help her out of the fixes she got into [even though Mom always felt she got no help].
Mom behaves bipolar, and appears to have dissociative behaviors as well. But she always avoided Docs like the plague, so was not diagnosed, and never got help--and her behaviors got instilled into her kids, to one degree or another....kids must learn to behave similarly sometimes, as a coping strategy.
Mom grew up in an abusive household, and was also abused by a neighbor man when she was 3. The last straw for her parents marriage, was when her father sliced her mother's throat, but by then, her and her brother were teens, and had been badly effected by what happened all their growing up years.
Mom divorced my Dad "because he didn't pay attention to her"
--but it was more because he refused to "battle" with her.
She drove him away.
She did similarly with her 2nd husband who was alcoholic--even he was not able to tolerate her need to do battle, and told her so often.
He got fed up and finally cut loose of that relationship.
She finally married a 3rd guy, who had traumatic Brain injury, so was easier for her to control, and who would battle with her.
They ended up together for almost 30 years til he died.
Being the eldest, I was fully aware of what was going on.
Once my Dad was away, she depended on that child support to eek by.
When she didn't get it, there was hell to pay.
She has the ability to totally deconstruct a target person--she threatened she could drive a person crazy, and I didn't believe her....foolish me! I had no words to describe things as a kid--but found a way to leave home at 14, and stayed gone, except for summer visits. It took years to put together enough pieces of me from what she had broken as a kid, to be functional as an adult--and that was on shakey ground.
For decades, the only time she called me was when she needed money.
Even when I was away at school, she thought I was flush with money, and actually called to beg a couple times, after delivering frightful sob stories.
No one else knew I was giving her money.
She always wanted it in cash or money orders.
She hated banks; her paranoia was epic at times.
Several years ago, her life fell apart even worse, she begged me to please bring her and her dying hubby up to live with us--he lasted another 3 months, after Docs told her he was gonna die within 3 days.
It made no sense--all my sibs have larger houses and better incomes to afford keeping her.
But she begged me to take them in.
So I did.
I honored her request, as well as my promise to Gma to care for her. I really thought I could manage it...what a dunce!
Then I started getting snide comments from siblings--"you didn't have to take her in, they could have stayed with us, you know!"
[[really?! when you had previously stated you never wanted her in your house?!?]] None of the rest of them stepped forward at that time, and Mom was adamant about not feeling comfortable staying with any of them....AND, all of them had very good reasons why not to take her in.
For 6 years, we struggled to make things decent for her, within the limits of our own disabilities. Everything we did was twisted by her, and reported to sibs that we were mistreating her.
Nevermind I was the one with bruises from her assaults, and my son moved out and refused to come visit due to her epic tirades! Neighbors heard her carrying on--her personal "best" tirade lasted 8 solid hours of ranting , cscreaming, accusing, demanding, etc. inappropriate behaviors.
She has always been fairly inappropriate, but was really getting worse. Siblings refused to acknowledge it, nor offer helpof any sort. One of them just said "paybacks are a bitch!" [[excuse me? What was that about?!?]]
[[but then, they are really great at accusing or making flip remarks, but never clarifying what it is about in order to resolve any issues there might have been--totally dysfunctional]]
I tried to get siblings to work together with me to find her a more suitable place to live, but they were busy playing the verbal game--they'd say things, but refuse to put them in writing to commit to anything; they'd snipe nasty comments, then turn around and deny they did, or say something diametrically opposite from previous statements...but never in writing --there's no plausible deniability in writing.
I was lucky to get her out of our house and still be breathing. It will take some time before I can function again. It feels like being so totally broken to bits, it is hard to find any usable pieces to put together.
I have forgiven her OVER and OVER, all my life--yet she demands more...and she demands admission of crimes she dreamed up, that I never committed.
It has taken me a lifetime to learn, forgiving does NOT mean I have to keep returning or sucker-bating for their psycho-hooks, exposing myself to more of the same.
They choose to believe her lies.
They choose to believe her accusations, even though they have nothing to base it on.
I have chosen, at this late date, to get out of their lives, because I learned they cannot control their behaviors Mom taught them.
I cannot be around that anymore and keep breathing.
I have been grieving loss of half my family, for sevearal years, as I realized that was what was happening. When they finally came and got her, she was monumentally inappropriate up to the very last step out the door.
As far as I know, they do not see it that way.
I have not ccontacted any of them unless there was some unavoidable need to communicate, and only via email; we had to disconnect our phone.
But they know where we are.
IF they wanted to contact us, they could by email, FB, and even by phone--but none of them chose to--they think I should call first...HA!.
Only one of them made effort to thank me for caring for her that long--and it sounded more like lip service.
But it was nice to hear, even if he didn't mean it.
The others are still name-calling, and in denial that Mom has been a very sick-headed person, all her life. They totally buy into her periodic sweetness and poor put-upon cover-story.
I no longer can do that.
She will never change...and she is getting worse as she loses her belongings each time she is moved.
She is a mega-hoarder who's safety zone is sitting in the midst of huge piles of junk, writing incessantly, and making "plans in a vacuum" [without consulting others involved]. She had hugely unrealistic expectatoins of us [to build her a house and help her develop a piece of property--whole nuther bad story...!]
I was terribly glad they finally came got her--but terribly distressed that they felt the need to pull it off like some "007" secret ops event.
I wish them well.
I wish them well.
I wish them well.
But they do not get me back into their group to do more of the same, any longer. I send them eCards for holidays. That's it. I cannot imagine they could misconstrew those, but then, I do not think they even open them. So I may stop sending even those. Screw 'em. They want to believe I put Mom thru he!!, when it was her putting us thru it....and they not only helped, but got a few neighbors to "help" too.
I just wonder why it took me over 60 years to figure them out.
Maybe I just wanted a nurturing famly, and there simply was not.
That is all any kid wants, and so do adults.
I did the best I knew how to stop that behavior from harming my kids, same as she did to keep us kids away from her father. I really hope I was able to stop more of the behaviors from reaching my kids, than she did.
I do not know.
I feel so utterly destroyed by this.
All I can do is say "I wish them well".
But I refuse to allow them to use me for "target practice" anymore.
Nursing articles written by younger nurses, wonder why elders get left in nursing homes, and why families stay away.
Well, this is why. There has been an awful lot of abusive damage for far too long, for far too many people. Bringing it into the open is the only way to help stop it.
If elders are ever going to be cared for, joyfully, by their families, abuse has to stop before it starts.
Bullying any children, and harming adult children, has to stop.

Carol, I agree with your advice. However, the guardianship courts have a lot of regulating to do yet - have folks do their research and contact the ombudmans office in their city or state first, to recommend a guardian-if needed. As far as Geriatric Care Managers, their prices vary - as well as their specialties. I speak from experienced caregiver, and Geriatric Care Manager specializing in Geropsychology and helping clients and their families find the BEST option for the situation.

My saga:
I have a mother (soon to be 81) and father (thankfully deceased) who were violent and cruel. They lacked education, empathy, wisdom, spirituality, prosperity, most everything except a dog-eat-dog will to survive with their interests first. They had a shotgun wedding and spent the rest of their married lives punishing each other for ruining each other's lives. Their chief prop was me: no person with rights or feelings, just a convenient target they could use whenever they wanted to insult each other, since I "responsible" for the tragedy by being born.
I tried to commit suicide before I was seven and contemplated murder–until I realized that the people in prison might turn out to be as bad as they were. My father died when I was 25. So, my sister picked up, with her husband's help, where Dad left off, insulting and ordering me around. I stopped calling them and they never called me--until my mother got sick 20 years later. Then my sister called me and wanted me to be with my mother at her operation.
So many conflicting emotions: Happy she called, unhappy to be at such a catastrophe, with such short notice, amongst almost strangers. The nurse asked my mother if she was glad to see me. No, she said.
I actually tried but I found I couldn't show up for her operation. I just couldn't--and felt bad about it.
I have been in twelve-step programs for 24 years and try to get the concept of forgiveness. Huge struggle. The agony and misery of growing up in that family was almost lethal, but I found that leaving was not the whole answer. I carried it inside me: Everything they had said about me and done to me.
I tell this story because not everyone has good memories of mom and dad or sister or aunts or uncles....
My mother was a cruel and heartless person for whatever reason. I imagine she experienced some of that herself. She did the best she could, as they say.
The feelings in me are not loving. As Dragonflower, above, said, they are professional. I am a caring person who will do the right thing.
Six years ago, I found I needed to "forgive" if I ever wanted any for myself. And, my mother asked me to be her power of attorney for health care. I did it at first because I was flattered or honored. Now, however, the feelings are coming up, again. I don't show them to her, but I do need to take care of myself. She had her life, many years lived without feelings or concern for her terrible effect on me (and others around her). I know that I don't have to sacrifice myself anymore to give her anything more than what her own resources (which through my child labor partially supplied a foundation for) can provide.
There must be justice in family relations just as there is in civil relationships. A criminal is a criminal, despite ignorance or stupidity or whether it was done to a child.
The pain of hating or being disappointed by a parent is like the crime of Orestes. The parent and the criminal are one and the same. And a sane person must reject the crime or be corrupted themselves. Ah, but to reject the parent, the very seat of life, is a horror that torments you like the Furies, relentlessly, forever, it seems. Mother's Day is inescapable in this society. I will do the professional thing for my mother. Perhaps what I can't provide perhaps society will.
I will admit, that through my now ongoing engagement with my mother, and, at a very far remove, with my sister, I've gained the invaluable experience of seeing the indisputable evidence of my mother's illness and narcissism. Whatever doubts I had about my own experience have been put to rest. And now she can't hurt me, which is a huge experience of empowerment.
I also see that I am lucky to be alive and participate in this miracle of life. My mother could have killed me, but she didn't. This is my path. Maybe my mother did what she did so I wouldn't have to. I try to think of that when I decide how to respond to her and for her.
Thanks to–and for–those who understand and support people like me.
:)

This article has to be about ME. It is....thank you...I was suppose to be "aborted" but they "did not have it then, so we tried to put you up for adoption". Now, I have FORGIVEN my mother for everything, and I do everything for her.
I even fell off my bike when I was 10 and hit my head on the road and was unconscious for 5 hours, while vomiting. A neighbor carried me home. My mother the "RN" never took me to the ER or any hospital, and told me I was "out and vomiting for 5 hours". She just threw me on the couch and prayed I would die.
I had an MRI after being the victim of a drunk driving accident, and the neurosurgeon said: "what happened to you when you were little?" My mother happened....I could go on and on...but this is so weird to read others are doing this as well. The irony is astounding.
I was legally "disowned" (I found the paperwork in her files) by by entire family for marrying a Jamaican. My mother now loves him, and our gifted son, and has (2) Jamacian live in care givers. My racist mom is now being cared for by Jamaicans and a daughter that she never wanted. "The stone that the builder refused". She will have to answer to a higher power~

I too, felt the emotional "hit" of this article. My situation is Mom (bipolar/narcasisstic?) and Dad (alcholic/Asperger's syndrome) married and had 5 kids... Dad moved away but continued to support financially (sporadically) my mother. So seperated, but not divorced for over 40 years. Which means 40 years of Mother's resentment and anger passed onto the kids. Additionally, Dads (schizophrenic-alcholic-pedaphilic) brother came to stay with us and "help out" for several years; this led to several years of him helping himself to me and my sisters... Mom claims she didn't know and did eventually kick him out... so there's that, I guess. Many, many years of therapy later, I was still trying to establish reasonable boundaries between my adult self and Mom, when we get a phone call out of the blue from Dad... he is headed to the hospital and believes he is having some sort of cardiac event. Middle sister flys up to Columbus OH to see what needs to be done... within 4 days the reality is that our 73y/o father will not be returning to work, or to his apartment, and that he has advanced Stage 4 Lung Cancer and unless intervention is taken, he has weeks to live. So for Christmas 2010, my family got its Dad back... critically ill, socially stunted and a virtual stranger to all. One month after Dad's diagnosis, Mom's ongoing drama of health crises took a real turn for the worse. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer that had metasticized to the liver on Thanksgiving weekend. Collapsed of a fatal heart attack on 11/30. So now we are faced with taking care of an ailing father that we don't know, and grieving a mother, who left us all scarred and left a hoarders mess behind. Somedays, I feel as if my head is going to explode... But - Dad chose to have treatments, and is doing better than expected. This gives me time to try to establish some sort of relationaship with him, but with his anti-social behavior it sometimes doesn't seem worth it. *sigh*... In retrospect, we are all gald that Mom was spared the incredible suffering of a long illness, and we have been able to work together to sort out most of her messes - would anyone like a cat, or 14? Seriously. So at least the five of us haven't drifted away/turned on each other and I am really happy about that. We continue to struggle with the emotions of dealing with Dad's illness... the two youngest have no real memories of him at all... and I know that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for this website so I can purge and vent in a safe zone. Take care and God bless!

I felt this article big time. My parents were divorced, my Dad gained custody of his four children. He eventually married a woman with two of her own children So that made us six. Step-Mother did not won't to raise us all so we all were sent packing to different homes all our growing years. We would stay awhile til it was going to cost most, and when it wasn't paid we were sent back. My stepMother has been deceased for twenty years and my Dad did not remarry. He is now in failing health and needs someone with him. I am the oldest of four. So everyone expects that I should devote the rest of my life taking care of Dad. I decided I would because there is a need to do so. I have had anger because of the dysfunction that was in my family and it was hard to get over. I decided that it was only hurting me no one else seem to care. So I chilled and had a good life. I have confronted my Dad and other people in the family about how I felt. They didn't seem to care, so I wrote them off and doing what I can to make my Dad's last days on this earth comfortable ones. I really think everyone should get over the PAST AND LOOK FORWARD. i CAN GO ON BUT i BELIEVE THE ONE SENTENCE MAKES MY PPOINT.

The above article was great. An adult child is NOT obligated to care for their elderly parent, emotionally speaking. I wish society would stop trying to lay the "guilt trip" on people about this. It is not possible for an adult child to generate "loving" feelings towards a parent who was abusive or neglectful. One can certainly assist an elderly parent out of a sense of family duty, but love does not have to enter into the equation. Social workers do not "love" their clients, but out of a sense of professional responsibility, humanitarism and ethic of care, they do what they can to help their clients with their difficulties. I believe the same could be said about adult children of parents who were abusive or neglectful.

Sometimes the easiest way to deal with the situation is to assume the "attitude" of a professional, such as social worker, attorney or pastor. You don't have to "love" a person who has done everything in their power to be unloving towards you, but you can act professionally and do "what is right" out of human concern and compassion for a dysfunctional person.

Been there, done that....I was not abused, but I was certainly neglected. In retrospect this was actually a life advantage, because I grew up fiercely independent and able to take care of myself at a young age. When my parents became elderly, I stepped in out of a sense of family responsibility and concern - not out of love.

One does not have to feel "love" to do what is right in a situation. An example of this is if a parent gives birth to a child they really cannot stand! However, out of a sense of parental responsibility they usually care for that child, Love is not part of the picture - but family responsibility and an ethic of care goven their behavior towards the child that is difficult to love.

It must be difficult for people with abusive parents to find themselves caregivers now. I don't think I could do that esp. if the parent was suffereing from dementia and still being abusive. i've read posts of adult children who take these parents into THEIR homes and the demented parents are abusive to their caregivers and the grandchildren. Maybe I'm cruel and harsh but I wouldn't take an abusive parent into my home to berate and yell at my kids and be abusive toward me. I think these parents need to be in a facility or become wards of the state. What positive thing can you get out of having them in YOUR home? Money?? Even waiting for some inheritance probably won't be worth it in the long run after estate taxes and other taxes. Just MHO.

I am grateful for this article. The issue of caring for parents who were abusive during childhood (and perhaps still are) doesn't get enough attention. Can we start an online support group for those of us in this situation?

After maintaining a distant relationship with my parents and sister for many years, I abruptly became a caregiver three years ago. It has been, by far, the most challenging experience of my life. I've learned and grown a great deal from it but I've often feared that the PTSD and torrent of emotion would become more than I can handle.

My childhood was like Nancy's -- violent, abusive mother and distant father who was totally incapable of dealing with the situation. My parents never moved from my childhood home and I feel anxious every time I visit there. I'm always afraid of having nightmares and panic attacks.

I totally relate to sibling issues. Dealing with my sister, who reminds me of my mother, especially her anger, has sometimes been the most difficult part of the experience. It makes me sad that we can't be more united and supportive of each other. She triggers very intense feelings in me.

My sister and I have had to handle all our parent's affairs -- medical, legal, financial etc. We've provided very good care for them. My mother went to assisted living and passed away more than two years ago. Fortunately, to my amazement, my last contacts with her were very positive. She became a happier person at the end of her life.

My father has been living at home with live-in aides. His health is declining and he could go at any time. I have been working through intense feelings of terror the past few months and dread having to go through the funeral and aftermath and be involved with my sister. Sometimes I want to forget I have a family.

In spite of the pain and agony, I know if I stay with the process, I will grow emotionally and spiritually. Prayer and meditation are what have gotten me through so far.

I send compassion and concern to everyone who is caring for abusive parents.

My mother on the other hand pushed my care off onto my older brother.
She told me: "I fed you.". Gee, is that all it takes to be a parent????
Is that all I need to do for her????
Oddly enough, after recently losing my temper and removing myself from the situation; all of a sudden my mom doesn't need constant attention. Suddenly she can do more for herself when faced with the possibility of being left to her own devices alone.
My husband stepped in for a couple of weeks and attended to mom's major needs (doc visits). I was fully ready to throw in the towel but Hub said that was wrong. Caregiver burnout I guess.
In any case, the old girl has changed her tune after having tried to suck the life out of me for 11 yrs.
Now she can do much for herself. Not quite the helpless little waif she would have everyone believe. Oh my.