What a great thread. It’s difficult to find sources of support for this particular type of toxicity. The abusive parent who needs or seeks help from their children when they are old.
A year ago when my mother fell and chose to continue to live alone, make no arrangements for her own care, give her money away to two of my siblings who are mirror images of herself, and drive her car every day despite having shown signs of dementia for the past 10 years, I decided to wash my hands of her.
Exactly one year later, she collapsed again in her house with a perforated ulcer. Her dementia is full blown. She cannot sit up. The sizeable inheritance that my grandparents left her is mostly gone from her mismanagement. Something I know all too well from my childhood when she and my father would not provide basics for their four children. Despite this, she decided to have two more as a way to try to keep my father. It did not workout as planned (big surprise).
I went to see her a couple of days ago in the hospital with the idea that it would be the last time. It is the best thing for me, although it is not easy. She had the best childhood, she became the shittiest parent, and then she had every opportunity for a nice retirement. When her knee hurt, she stopped moving around, and slowly became immobile. Topping this off with eating sugary foods all day long. She is obese and malnourished. Always into appearances and driven by what others thought of her, she turned into the toxic heap of waste that was always inside of her. Viciously gossiping about everyone, including her own children.
Although she has no more cash after frittering away a sizeable inheritance, she still has a sizeable monthly pension. So she will be fine in a home.
Today it is raw, but I will put her out of my mind once again. She’s not here for long. I have told my siblings to not bother me with the little stuff, just let me know the big stuff, meaning when she is gone. I have done this to avoid the trap of everyone expecting me to drop everything to deal with her emergencies since I am the closest, and she has made zero arrangements for herself. There is no POA, and she has resisted moving into a home. She expects my brother to fly 2000 miles to fill her car with gas and bring it in for an oil change. I’m not making this up. She is really toxic. BTW, this brother is an angel and has never taken a dime from her.
Someone said here that therapy mostly won’t work because it is not you who needs to change, but them. I think this is mostly true. Although therapy will help you to recognize the hurt they caused, which helps you to not react to situations and people that may trigger these old “hurts”. This is helpful in moving on in life. But like any loss, mourning the loss of a healthy childhood to a narcissistic parent never goes away, the best you can do is to learn to live with it.
To be honest, if she feels discomfort now, I hope that some part of her brain is telling her that she deserves it for all the pain she inflicted on 6 small children many years ago.
My abusive, powerful, successful, supremely narcissistic, and racist father finally died in the spring of 2021. Days before, when he was in the hospital, the only person he was yelling at was me. Yelling, always and forever. These are the phrases I remember most from my childhood: "Engage brain before opening mouth." "I picked you up from your crib when you were three months old, and you put my back out. It will never get better. Look what you did to me." "I will poke your eye out with a sharp stick." "Go play by the railroad tracks." Never an encouraging or friendly word. Never a compliment. Was there physical abuse? He slapped me on the face when I was stung by a bee and was crying. He jerked my arm when I fell to the pavement as a toddler to get me up. This happened when I was very young. He was too smart, and as a "mandated reporter" knew the risk to his career if he had continued with that. He doubled down on subtle verbal abuse and neglect. I moved away at 17 and left the country for fifteen years. He had an affair. The woman was always at our house when I was a teen. He had a serious flirtation with my "best" friend from high school while my Mom was dying and I was caring for her. I found out later. He and my BF tried to get me to forgive them for this. I didn't. I just got a FB request from this "friend" two days ago...again. But, in the end, I arranged care for him for a period of seven years, often traveling, at my own expense, to do this. I protected him from scams and others who preyed on him in his later years. I took care of his finances. I stopped working, left my husband and child for weeks at a time and traveled across the country to care for him. He was difficult, insulting, stubborn, and irascible. Yet, he charmed everyone around him, until he didn't. My last trip, during Covid, was to finally place him in a residential facility, but he ended up going on hospice and dying. Even though he was 94, he wasn't done with me. In the hours before he died, he was grasping at me and yelling. Maybe that is a normal part of death. But it felt like I could never escape. Those six hours still haunt me a year and a half later. I can't remember him ever saying a nice thing to me. How I looked, how I thought, where I lived, what my husband did, the color of my hair (not blond) what my child did...it was always all wrong. I recently came across my wedding pictures. His face was a mask of disgust and hate. He didn't like the city I married in, he didn't like my husband, and he didn't like my in-laws. He told me dirty jokes when I was a child (although I only realized this as an adult). And he lived so very long. I thought there would be more relief when he died. I never cried for him, although I am a very empathetic person. I am still settling the estate. It is very close to being done. I am in therapy. I hope I will be able to let go of this soon. I am married and have a wonderful adult son, so I did break the pattern. I hope to reclaim my life for the next years and finally find peace.
parents are perfect! some are downright miserable, mean and a non parent - the real question is can you forgive their major flaws?? after their death you will be left alone with your thoughts, can you deal with turning away?
how bout doing something, get others to help out, you may not respect them but i'm sure deep down you have some "like" bc they gave you life. some people just don't know how to be parents.
do what you can but don't over due - love yourself first! believe me after they are gone you will at least feel you did try! don't be like they were be better. good luck
You do NOT have to care for your abusive parents. You can tell them that. They are responsible for finding the care themselves.
If it is beyond them to care for themselves, oh well.
My MIL is abusive. She would say the most awful things to my husband and my FIL was frightened of her, but wouldn’t leave because she would have spent all the money. When FIL passed, she was on her own for about 7 months and deteriorated. She got lost driving & it took her 4 hours to find her way home. Her nephew had to buy her groceries and he would remind her that he was not her husband.
She tried to move in with us but was told she would not like it because she would not like my rules which would have sent her over the edge. (Go to the doctor regularly, keep a clean bedroom, keep the blinds open during the day, take a shower every day and get dressed, get rid of her dog, have to go to adult day care, no online shopping, eat balanced meals and go for regular walks).
She went to assisted living or the police would have taken her in for a mental evaluation. She is still angry over a year later. She doesn’t receive visits, can’t shop like previously (hoarder - DH had her cards cut off), and she doesn’t have a phone so she can’t call the police like she used to do every day for her delusions. We cleaned up her house and sold it, put the $ in her account for her care and she is left alone. That is what she wanted all along - that we not bother her but that she could bother us. Now she can’t do anything- not bother us or anybody. I did help DH so that it might help save some of the funds his father saved so that when she passes, there might be something left for DH.
My step-mother made sure my brother and I knew we were unwanted burdens from the moment our mother died and we moved in with her and my father. My brother was 9 and I was four. She was abusive, emotionally and physically. My father was nowhere. My father referred to the child they had "as the child he had waited 42 years to have." I spent much of my first 40 years depressed, suicidal, and ashamed. Now, my step-mother is demented and all her edges are gone. She was always someone who loved beautiful things, and I learned that from her. I feel real compassion for this artist who can no longer create. I don't know if I love her - but I do have some respect for her and I want to help her whatever joy she can get out of what is left of her life.
My father is in mourning. He no longer has his big house, his beautiful wife, his very high-status career. But his mind, his reasoning, and his pride are in tact. Today after months of being at their beck and call- he blew up at me- screaming at the top of his lungs. He got up out of his chair and started to move towards me- his hair wild and his finger waving at me and his face contorted- GET OUT-GET OUT- LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
I don't think of myself as someone who gets triggered. I am pretty in control at this point, my life is amazingly rich. But at that moment I was a very frightened 4 years old girl. I ran out of the room. It took more than an hour for me to calm down enough to drive home.
I realize, I am still begging for recognition that I will never get. I am still competing with the child he waited 42 years to have. I am still hoping he will see me and respect me, as me, not just because I am the only left standing.
I was a social worker- I believe we should take care of our people. I believe that the most awful people are worthy of human decency. But I can't live through this day again. I have vowed not to be alone with him for a long while. I never want to see that finger and hear that voice again.
I had two parents who were emotionally absent. My mother was an alcoholic and was very abusive to me throughout my life. I recently had an incident where I was assigned to a dementia patient who was very critical of me. I had her as a client four days a week for eight hours a day. I should have gotten off that case the first week, but I tried to hang in there. My husband died back in 2016 and I worked the date of my wedding anniversary. We would have been married for seven years. I don't know if these people have some sort of radar and can pick up on when you are feeling bad, but this woman tormented me so badly that day that I was reduced to tears. Later, I started hearing reports about how she has literally chased aides out of her house, threatened them with job loss and was just generally horrible to everyone.
My word of advice to anyone is that you do not have to put your life on hold for people who were never there for you. They are adults. Children are not old age insurance for parents who were mean, cruel and abusive.
My dad left all of us $1.00 dollar in his will. This is how bitter and nasty he was even to the end of his life. We were all adults and had made our own living; so, we weren't expecting anything from him. Towards the end of his life, he had alienated all of his children except for the one who was severely disabled.
Even in good parental relationships, try to keep a balance. Don't give up on career goals, family and make your parent's illness a priority over your own life. Sickness and illness is a fact of life. You can help your parent navigate, but keep in mind, you will be old one day and will need funds to fall back on.
Absolutely NOT! My father abandoned me while in my Mother's womb. I met him when I was 15 years old. I am now 48 years old. He contacts me now, through the mail with Religious Ideology Literature and CD's. You see, 3 years ago, he was run over by a bus, and his leg was amputated as a result. He resides in a retirement home, with strangers taking care of him. I just recently wrote him this letter, because he sent me a CD by Joyce Meyers, How To Love People Who Are Hard To Love. This is my letter!
If you are asking me to Love you, or to even try to, the answer to that is ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I tried to Love you, once upon a time. After many years, of many rejections, many disappearances, and your cold-hearted nature towards me deteriorated what I DID feel for you. The longing for you to accept me, DETERIORATED. The wanting you to want me, DETERIORATED. The wondering when am I going to see him, turned into, I have no interest in seeing him. For many years, I turned a blind eye to your rejections, your uninterest in me, your unacceptance of me, and your cold-hearted nature towards me. All because I was clinging onto HOPE, like all of the above, that too deteriorated. I do not appreciate you pushing your lifestyle upon me, I never have, I just never said anything until now. Quit Pushing!! You were raised with a Christian upbringing, your parents were God-fearing people. My theory is...You kept me a secret because you didn't want your parents to force you to marry. or punish you for being a pre-marital sex sinner or your parents Shun you from the family. Even way back then--all about Tom----Self-preservation. To me----you are FRAUD! May GOD bestow upon you, Tom D. the same LOVE, same SUPPORT you bestowed upon me. Thank you, GOD Thank you Jesus, and Thank you, Angels. So, Goodbye Tom Take Care Lea NO! do not take care of your parents or parent if they were bad parents, they don't deserve it. PS. I don't live for society, I live for myself. I don't care what society says about it. Society didn't live my hellish childhood! It gives me great pleasure knowing that he has to depend on strangers to dress him, bathe him, whatever else they have to do. Those people are helping him only because they are getting paid to do so. They do what needs to be done with him, and on to the next patient. Plus, I am the only family in the area that he has. Some of his sisters have passed away, and the rest of his siblings are spread out over the country, and they are seniors, so there are no visits from them. The only regret I have in life is Meeting Him. I told him that in a previous 40-page letter I had written to him before the above letter. KARMA is GREAT!!
the light at the end of the tunnel is seeing "who i will be" is "who i already am" and that is what she was teaching me all along - who i am with her is who i am without her - we are one because she carried me for nine months and gave me life as her daughter. what we have is unique and i will never have it again with anyone else. when i have learned the lesson, her job will be complete. so i stall. i stay immature and dependent. the daughter. i cease to exist without her because i am her daughter. i think my mission was to take all her pain and suffering from her, carry it myself to transform it and break the cycle, and my purpose is to save her and give her life so she will know the light. who she will be is already who she is and that is a Child of God in the world to know His Love and Light. when my job is complete she won't need me anymore. so she stalls and keeps me around to help her. we are one. the Kabbalah, the Violet Flame, whatever you want to call it, daughters and mothers have had it as ancients, were destroyed for it, and today fought over for it in dark shadows of religion and politics, education and the arts. are Mom and I the last survivors of the ancients or the first presenters of the final hashtag trend. if i am saying it then someone is doing it and that means we made it ladies. our mommies and mes let the cat out of the womb. amen. thank you Jesus. amen.
I am the spouse of a man who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by his father, as were all his siblings. His mother was present through it all and did nothing. Although the mother was not "abusive" herself, she mentally and emotionally abandoned her children. As the children became adults, she put all her focus onto the youngest daughter and her children. Seventeen yrs ago she left with the daughter & family to move out of state. It has pretty much been "an out of sight out of mind" situation with her. My husband suffers from medical issues and has been in and out of the hospital over the years. We finally quit trying to contact her when he was having serious issues because she quite frankly just didn't care. Never did we ever get any response. We are now in a situation where we are caring for her and she has dementia. For the last seven months we have been caring for both of his parents but my father in-law passed a month ago. In 2 weeks we are taking his mother back to his sisters where she has lived by choice before the dementia set in. This is not an issue because the sister is willing to take her back and there is a good relationship between us. I share this background to say that I don't feel guilty about admitting that we can't live with or handle taking care of his mother any longer! It has been more hurtful to have her here than it was to be ignored. I myself has resentment issues when I have to sit and watch the pain my husband goes through. I can't imagine what he's really going through. She received some treatment that did help with her memory. And as she is recalling memories of children and grandchildren, she has no memory of our children. Who by the way were ages 7 and 9 when she left. When my husband has tried to talk about it to her she responds with - I was too busy for that. I have heard her talk to him horribly and say things no mother should say to her child. She's manipulative and only worries about how things affect her. We are financially going under and have been mentally stressed dealing with his narcissistic father and mother who followed suit. I agree that anyone dealing with past abuse needs to seek help and find a way to move forward in life, but putting yourself in a situation that is detrimental to your own well being is not an option. I have a father who is in assisted living because none of us kids will have him in our home. We are helping him and making sure he is being taken care of, but I feel no shame in being realistic that I can't handle being around this man more than a couple of hours let along 24/7. All of these parents made no preparation for end of life care or retirement, they abused and/or ignored their childrens needs, they have now created messes that we are all left to deal with and clean up in multiple ways. At this point we have to prepare for our retirement and look to the future for our children and grandchildren.
From the time I was born, or in my mother's womb, she wished against my existence. After all, she was 14 when my dad and she had me. My father mostly not present, due to drug/physical abuse, was not physically present although they later married and divorced at age 25, he tried emotionally to be there. My grandmother helped raise me, as an infant I nearly die several times due to neglect and or being left with wrong people and abused by a family member on her watch. As a toddler, I would always remember hearing "I wish you weren't born" and "I gave up my life for you". When I started to comprehend words and sentences, and she knew I understood those words, she stopped saying them, and then her abuse became physical and emotionally invalidating me at every angle of my life and as I write this.
My grandmother raised me until age 5 and then I have been on my own physically and emotionally. I ran away at 17 and joined the military later. Because I was always told "I would not be anything, but like my dad". Fast forward, I let my mom back 20 years go and the disdain, or what I can affirm as a licensed Education Psychologist, my mom is a malignant narcissist with PTSD, and Alcoholism.
Today, she is drinking/smoking still as a substance abuser, at age 69 and she is now terrorizing my adult children who live with her to help her with a mortgage are now fleeing, as she has regressed mentally and physically with breast cancer, still drinking and driving and smoking.
When I call the local county Adult Protective Services or try to talk to her mental health or doctors, she throws me under the bus and tell them to not talk to me (about her care), or listen to me that "I am a crazy druggie veteran"...smh, but yet she tells people I "don't help her" although and I am disabled war vet with PTSD and Lupus/Autoimmune issues, mostly caused by her.
I almost finished my PhD but had to file for disability, and the while, my mother was telling people, I was taking meth and or crack. Because, I had two jobs, a single mom, and going to graduate school. Was a Commissioner on several boards helping communities, veterans in the SF Bay and took her to several congressional events, smiling in my face all the while telling family and people things that were SIMPLY hateful and not true still. If "I walked with Jesus", she would tell people I am the devil. I pray for my mother's soul every day.
I am going through military trauma therapy and she is not aging or allowing anyone to live in peace by stopping and caring for herself. Being sick on purpose not caring or letting other care, to garner sympathy or narcissistic supply at her mental and physical health demise and our families mental and physical stress. I/we are having all eventually walk away. I MUST cut my losses, as my military counselors said that I have severe childhood trauma physical and mental traumas caused by her. And recently asked, if I wanted to call the officials on these abuses. I was shocked by the fact and they can still go back on child abuse. More so, because I am now facing it. Knowing as she always, never admit or validate my pain, let alone her own childhood pain.
There is nothing MORE I can do because she's ignored my existence since I was born and is now present in her care. When I try to help her unless she wants something from me. A transactional LOVE with her has taught me to be a very empathic person and Mom. My only sibling my sister lives 30 miles from SF Bay where my mom is, and she is checked out too from the abuse two years ago, she left the family cottage on the estate. Now my college kids/grandkids are leaving too, in the midst of COVID. California mental health laws are too protective in the fact there is nothing we can do, but wait for her to get into danger or hurt or hurt someone drinking and driving. The fear that she will lose her home because no one wants to be there with her and or Medicaid will have to put in asst care.
My mother was emotionally abusive to me when I was a child and teenager. Cold, critical, mean, distant, jealous. She has never been positive, supportive, nurturing, or loving toward me.
Well, she's 80 y/o now, unwell physically, cognitively, and showing signs of dementia. I thought as a Christian, I should honor her by being her caregiver. It is a full-time job, with multiple doctors' appointments, ER visits, prescription-filling, errands, etc. And, I do not live with her and I have a full-time job, which makes it very difficult.
I admit I've felt resentment, over-whelmed with the responsibility, and ill-equipped to deal with someone with so many issues. My mother is also demanding. I've recently looked for in-home services options. But, she made it clear she does not want that. I've been her caregiver for several months, and I need respite. I've wanted to just relinquish these tasks. But, I'm an only child, and there is no one else to do these things.
Lately, for the past several weeks, she has called me repeatedly, daily, asking the same questions about the operation of a newly installed thermostat. I've explained, and technicians who installed it, have explained several times how to operate it. It is the basic model. I've drawn diagrams and written down the steps. She is fixated on it and calls me for direction before she even touches it. She has great anxiety about adjusting it (I've recently found a therapist for her). I've told her, to no avail, that it was her decision on the desired temperature. It was based on her comfort level. In researching how to best respond to someone with dementia with repetitive questions, I read it was best to respond, positively, and to keep the conversation short.
Earlier today, when she called for the second time to ask about the temperature setting on the thermostat in her house, I told her it was fine, she did not have to adjust it. She then called me later to chastise me for not telling her to raise the desired house temp. I reminded her she has been told how to do so several times. I did not raise my voice. She hung up on me. I called her back, she insisted I was snappy with her and hung up on me again. I do not think I was snappy. I said what she did not want to hear, or face. Frankly, I think I've gone above-and-beyond with respect to trying to assist her and meet her needs.
This will give me much-needed relief. I will not contact her. I will not take her to/from. She is on her own. It is not good for an abused child to be the caregiver for an abuser. There is lingering negativity. I probably should have gone no-contact years ago.
With appreciation for your insights, I think there is a HUGE gap in this article. I am in my 50s. I have spent decades in therapy to overcome my mother's abuse, and to accept the fact that my father was an active enabler. I have broken the cycle and built a healthy family for my children.
And you know what? I have a lot of empathy for my parents. I get that they had horrible childhoods. And I really do get that in some sense they sort of are doing the best they can.
The problem is that I can't control my parents' behavior simply by "forgiving" them. And both my parents CONTINUE to abuse me without any remorse or empathy whatsoever.
They can't hit me any more. But they find so many creative ways of being truly nasty, that it is emotionally exhausting and demoralizing to spend time with them. Even calling them on the phone is exhausting frankly. And I am pretty sure I'm not the only grown up abused child who has experienced this.
So many people, even therapists, have this weird idea that grown children of abusive parents can just get therapy, heal, forgive and reconcile with their parents.
But the sad truth is that it's the abusive PARENT who needs to change before there can be a healthy relationship. And in most cases the very things that made the parent abuse a child in the first place mean that they will never ever be willing to admit they aren't perfect, let alone make any real changes in their future behavior.
No one should be expected to live with or care for someone who is ACTIVELY ABUSING THEM. And in most cases that's what taking care of an abusive parent means. My opinion? They didn't have the right to abuse us. And they don't have the right to reap the rewards in old age of the "great relationship" they pretended to have when we were too little to stand up for ourselves.
To quote my therapist last time my mom got sick: "Do NOT drop your life and fly down there to take care of her! You don't owe her that! She is NOT that kind of Mother!"
I love how they just advised to either just care for them or pay for someone else to do it. What if you can't afford to do that? The author assumes that everyone has the financial means to do so. People around here can't take time off work, you don't work you don't get paid. They said to get relatives to pay you? You assume everyone has multiple kids to do this or relatives who care. Why would my cousins pay me to take care of my mom? My mother has alienated all the family. We don't go to family gatherings anymore because the relatives don't want to deal with my mom. We went to a funeral last year and were overheard "why are they here?" My mother is a narcissist and possibly psychopath. She was emotionally abusive, sometimes physically and nothing is her fault or she denies it happened. She has a personality she has in public and then there is the one behind closed doors. When my father was sick she would get upset if people didn't praise her for taking care of him. Meanwhile she is the one who pushed him down and why he ended up in the hospital. We didn't find this out til much later. Can't ask the neighbours because it isn't the greatest area. We have had neighbours who have stolen from elderly who didn't have relatives to care for them or they all work in low paying jobs and can't help because they don't get paid for time off. Sending her to a retirement home is out of the question those are so expensive and not everyone has the pension to pay for it. She didn't work because that is the mans job. You could combine my mothers, my sisters and my income and we still wouldn't be able to afford it. She is not ill enough to be put into a seniors home that is subsidized by the government. My sister can't be trusted to care for her because she is chronically homeless and has been evicted from at least 10 apartments in the last 25 yrs. She is currently living with my mom because she is homeless once again but as soon as she gets a job is planning on leaving again. That will leave me as the sole caregiver and I work full time and am a single parent . I can't take care of her if I don't work there is no income. So many issues and then they tell you to just care for them anyways!
I grew up in a house filled with pain, fear, and shame. I've spent my life working hard to understand that my parents did the best they could,. They were both emotionally and physically abused themselves as children and teenagers. They fought constantly, and I ended up being my Dad's confidante and my Mom's protector. By first grade, I prayed every night that God would give me some money to help me escape and get my own apartment. I now have my own life and have spent many years in therapy. I mourn what I lost and celebrate what I've learned. I'm mostly happy. Except when I have to see my parents. They live an hour away, and expect their children to help them maintain their singly family home. Sometimes I'm able to access my highest self and spend time with them and help them and be ok. But other times I get sick after seeing them, like getting a headache, throwing up, or feeling suicidal without knowing what hit me. I don't seem to be able to predict what the aftermath of seeing them will be...satisfaction at doing my duty or rage at having to spend time in their cloud of negativity and criticism. If I didn't have a sibling who will get stuck with 100% of the load, I would cut off all contact with my parents. I know my sibling will resent me if I don't pitch in, and I don't want to lose my sibling or my sibling's family because of my parents. Then they really would have won. Thanks for listening. I just needed somewhere I could say all of this. People usually tell me to take the high road and do whatever I can for them so I won't regret it when they're dead. I wish I could find a balance where I'm doing what I can while respecting my own body's reactions. This is hard.
Abusive narcissistic mother living with me. I have found my healing watching Joyce Meyers and giving it all to God. Her Beauty for Ashes series has been my "GO TO" when I fall back into the past. I pray this helps others.
I was the victim of two parents who came from dysfunctional backgrounds. My mother the eldest of 8 and my father cared for by his aunt and then at 9 by his abusive father. I was the 2nd born and unfortunately was the scapegoat for a bad marriage ie being hit very badly, my mother encouraging the hitting and was emotional abusive, I many nose bleeds from the hits and this I believe happended from a small child up to 17 years of age. My brother was never abused and he seemed the favourite. I have now realised that my brother is a Narcissist and my mother a Narcissist/Psychopath. I have been through years of psychotherapy, counselling trying to rid myself of how upset I still can get when remembering the past. I am no longer undertaking therapy and I seem ok. However, due to their abuse I have low self-esteem and little confidence. However I still have some love for them and have visited the UK from Australia. My father passed away January 2018 and it affected me emotionally and although he bashed me a lot when younger I can't hate him and visited him often from Australia. After many years I realised it was my mother who was the instigator and she has never shown any remorse or acknowledged the damage she caused me. I confronted her in my twenty's and all she could say was "nobody loved her", my gran was lovely so how true this was I don't know. My mother is now 85 yrs and in a nursing home with advancing dementia and I havn't made contact with her or the home for 18 months, mainly because it really distresses me and she doesn't know who I am. She is so sweet and lovely to whoever meet her and the officer in charge of the home said she was a lovely lady. Little does she know. I just received an email today from a social worker asking me if I knew what my mother's wishes were, I sent an email back very upset, so does this mean she is dying, I am all over the place with emotions, is this normal after what she did to me as a child, or should I just let it go and no contact the home..............for peace of mind I think I should call the home. My brother is also a Narcissist so I have no one to talk to in the UK, or who can assist me. Any suggestions?
"most families don't qualify for the pain these truly abusive environments like Nancy's left, either."
All pain is valid and your mileage may vary as the saying goes. But coming from such a sick family, I can attest to the psychological terrorism as H*LL --- I endured it through childhood and later adulthood though living away. I was last at home to get the brunt of the full fledged illness and was the target of insanity.
I think it is very difficult to care for a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive parent. Your brain is not even fully developed and they 'break' you before you have a chance to build yourself up. And now...you are expected to take care of them. Abuse victims are likely to suffer low self esteem, low morals and self respect, depression,anxiety, substance abuse, chronic diseases and even eating disorders. Know that you DID NOT deserve this abuse, you where a child...a young adult. And you are right to break the cycle. There are so many positive ways to raise and discipline a young adult. I am 60 years old and I am now expected to clean and cook for my abusive Father who refuses to hire out. And I am suffering all over again with guilt and feeling of obligation. I spent my whole life getting away from my Father and now he demands he die in his home and I take care of him? He just can't say " I am sorry for what I did, I know it was wrong." His apology last week consisted of "sorry, that was the way we did it back then. And can you pick up the dog s**t in the back yard before you leave."
You can see by the posts that you are not alone. We understand-
I so needed to read this. Ultimately I don't think I will ever be able to have a sane relationship with my mother but I'm trying to not lose my own sanity in the process of living with her. She is very underhanded and childish. I believe she is some sort of narcicist because everything must have her at the center. Even disagreements between other people. I just don't understand it or her but that is how she is. It is so painful to me because I want to do the right thing from here on and was hoping that be in close proximity would change our relationship but once again I fooled myself. I am definitely going to seek some counseling because I don't think I deserve to feel the way I do right now. I just feel defeated and sad and really sad for her. She has missed so much in life because of her attitude and there is nothing I can do about it. I have become very thankful for this website and knowing that there are others out there in the same boat. Thank goodness for support!
My father has informed me that he was moving back to my home state after living 3000 miles away from me for 15 years. He wants to be near me in case he needs some help. I have always a very close relationship with my father, but I have learned to accept that I will never have any type of relationship that I desire. We are not just capable of that kind of relationship. My father has requested that I become his POA to be prepared in case the need arises. Although I commend my father for wanting to take care of it BEFORE things happen, I have told my father that I just cannot do it because we have a very difficult relationship. I have set clear boundaries for my own health and well being, and I have communicated those boundaries very specifically. I told my dad that I have to do what I have done in order for me to maintain my own health. I encourage you to establish the boundaries that you need to have in order to continue a healthy relationship. I pray the best for you, and I also will encourage you to grieve the relationship that you WISHED you could have had....It truly is a loss.....
I don't actually care for my mother in a hands on way as she is physically handicapped and in a nursing home. Since my father died I have handled all my mother's financial affairs and buy various personal care items and some clothing. I visit her but not often and we talk on the phone at intervals. Even though I don't really do much in terms of hours, I still find myself being very resentful and revisiting all the hurts of childhood and even later in life. She managed to be unpleasant on so many occasions which otherwise could have been tolerable. I did go for counselling and gained some understanding of why my mother might be as she was. I was told that there would be no point in asking her to come to therapy with me as her personality type would never accept that she had any blame to bear for our estrangement for 5 years or for the pain I still feel whenever I remember all the times she let me down as a mother. Now that she needs me and her dementia has made her less critical I try to behave a little more kindly to her but I am very conscious that it is a duty rather than what a loving daughter would do. I also remember that the last thing my father said to me before he died was, "Take care of your mother for me." I feel a lot of guilt because of that as I loved my father very much.
I really do not think it's possible to properly care for an abusive parent. When they get dementia, it only gets worse. I'm trying very hard...VERY hard...to do the right thing and care for my mother. I've been in therapy for the past year. But she's getting SO nasty and down-right evil that it keeps sending me back to my childhood. Especially when she starts to sundown and gets aggressive. I just can't go into all of it now, but I think it's best to get them into a nursing home. I can no longer deal with this. It's best for both of us.
1. Elderly people are frightened, vulnerable, and facing death and, therefore, are more likely to be concerned about their own needs than your needs at this stage. There's no need to seek their validation anymore.
2. If the abusive parent(s) didn't recognize and admit their failures when you were younger, it is improbable that the parent(s) will blurt out an admission of guilt in the final years/months/days.
3. You have a choice as to whether to be involved with them in their final years. Weigh the pros and cons and commit to your decision.
4. Finally, if you post a 2,000+ word response to any of these articles, please make sure you are taking care of yourself and seeking professional counseling. It might be too late for parental love, but the opportunities for self-love are abundant.
Unshackle yourselves from this emotional bondage. Treat the care-giving as just a job and detach with love or without love, or just fake some love and get through it. If you are doing it for an inheritance, then suck it up. If you are doing it because you are a kind person, then, well, I hope the Universe rewards you. Just, above all else, take care of yourself.
I think it is difficult to really understand this situation unless you have been there. As children, my brother and i were abused by my father, who severely abused our mother. Eventually dad moved several thousand miles away. When the time came that he needed care, we painfully decided that it was best for all concerned to hire a legal guardian. This was a decision for which many people heaped guilt upon us. But, long after he died, I would still get physically ill whenever I saw an RV that looked like his. Through much prayer, I arrived at the place where I have forgiven him and even somewhat understand what drove him to do the things he did. After fifteen years I am at peace with his memories. I have no regrets about the legal guardianship, nor do I regret not having seen him for the last ten years of his life. I fear that had I been more involved at the end, I would still be carrying the burden. There are sometimes when it is best to just admit that a situation is beyond my expertise and accept that it is in the best interest of all to just hire someone to do what I know I am not capable of doing.
I AM NANCY!! I thought I could take care of my abusive mother because she was old and sick. WRONG!!! Her abusive ways are just different. I should be the last one of the siblings having her live in my home and taking care of her! I do my job the best I can and get along with her the best I can. I stay upstairs away from her when I need to. I can't imagine how good it will feel when I am free from this toxic family of mine. I could never harm her in anyway, that would make me like them. I am not like them, I have a conscious. I am good.
I am one of those children. I was the only daughter, had three older brothers and my father left when I was only 2. He was an alcoholic and decided it was just more responsibility than he cared to have, so he left. This forced my Mom to go back to work fulltime to support us. While she was at work, the youngest of my brothers took it upon himself to physically and sexually abuse me. I was 7 when this started, he was about 12. I was scared to death of him. Out of desperation, I told a friend of mine down the street and she insisted I tell Mom. I was afraid to for fear of the repercussion and she still adamant I tell her. So......I did. The reaction was not good. My brother when confronted by my Mom said, "She's lying" and Mom just didn't want to deal with it so it was swept under the rug not to be discussed again for many many years. The abuse continued. When I was older, I mentioned it to her and she looked at me astonished. She said, " I often wondered if what you said was true." My reply was, "Of course it was true, how could a 7 year old that knows NOTHING about sex come up with a story like that?" She fell silent. Never once did she ask me why I did poorly in school, why I was so rebellious, why I got in with the "wrong crowd", I was just "the bad kid" furthering my own horrible self image. I honestly did not care if I lived or died and it showed. I knew if I had told either my father or my brothers, they would have beaten him within an inch of his life and then the next time I was alone with him, ( which was inevitable) he would have beaten me severely. It was a survival tactic. What I did not realize was one of my survival skills was to build an invisible wall around myself and my heart for self defense. To this day, I have no idea how to take down those impervious walls. I have been through YEARS of counseling, nothing helped, just lots of money wasted. Then when I was about 21, he got me so angry that it all came out like a flood. I told him I hated him for what he did to me. First, he went silent. Then he actually told me I "asked for it." I started shaking. I could not believe he would blame a 7 year old that was clueless about what sex even was, that I had "asked for it." We were both still living at home and I called Mom at work shaking and told her what had just happened. She told me she would take care of things tomorrow. The next morning she announced that if we (my brother and I) could not work things out, we both had to leave her house. So, with nowhere to go, I would have rather lived in my car than one more night under the same roof as the brother that told me "I asked for it." I begged the landlord of my current boyfriend that had an extra room in his house if I could stay with him. He took pity on me thank god and let me stay there. I was raw with pain and disbelief my Mom could turn her back on me again. I went into a very deep depression and was diagnosed by a doctor with "severe depression" and he gave me prescription drugs that just made me feel like a walking zombie. I was in h*ll. I quit the meds and went on. Now Mom is sorry and ashamed she was not there for me. I can forgive but I cannot forget. She had chosen me over my brothers to be the one to care for her and live with me when she could no longer fend for herself. My brothers (only interested in her money) have nothing to do with helping her and have made me the Pariah though I had NOTHING to do with Mom's decision on who would care for her and be DPOA. Somedays, it's really tough, old issues resurface, dedicating my life to making sure she is properly cared for, dealing with my brother still and his manipulative, greedy, self serving behavior, I finally booted him off the property and cut him off from taking $$$ from Mom. It's like the never ending nightmare that I can never be done with. Unfortunately, my husband suffers because I can never let down the wall I built around my heart that has become as integrated a part of me as my own skin, as much as I want it to disappear. I cannot allow myself to let anyone damage me further and allow total vulnerability with my heart. This is the damage that cannot be erased. My husband always tells me if that had been done to him, he would never had anything to do with her. I had to grow up and realize she could not choose to alienate or choose between us. Not that I condone how she handled things, just more insight as to why she did what she did. She couldn't face the ugly truth. Lastly, being her caregiver has stripped me of freedom ans has put a strain on my marriage. That's my new reality.
You EARN respect. Love is not just a given. These things you learn from your parents/guardians/whoever is raising you. I hope children of neglect/abuse don't feel guilt when the parent/guardian comes to a stage in their life when they need help and have no place to turn. Forgiving will help you but you don't owe them anything! Don't ever feel guilty. If you do you don't have to act on it, it only means you managed to grow up in spite of the lack of "parenting".....IMO. Exhausted52: my friend would buy the cheapest card she could find regardless of what it said.
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Caring for Aging Parents Who Didn’t Care for You
A year ago when my mother fell and chose to continue to live alone, make no arrangements for her own care, give her money away to two of my siblings who are mirror images of herself, and drive her car every day despite having shown signs of dementia for the past 10 years, I decided to wash my hands of her.
Exactly one year later, she collapsed again in her house with a perforated ulcer. Her dementia is full blown. She cannot sit up. The sizeable inheritance that my grandparents left her is mostly gone from her mismanagement. Something I know all too well from my childhood when she and my father would not provide basics for their four children. Despite this, she decided to have two more as a way to try to keep my father. It did not workout as planned (big surprise).
I went to see her a couple of days ago in the hospital with the idea that it would be the last time. It is the best thing for me, although it is not easy. She had the best childhood, she became the shittiest parent, and then she had every opportunity for a nice retirement. When her knee hurt, she stopped moving around, and slowly became immobile. Topping this off with eating sugary foods all day long. She is obese and malnourished. Always into appearances and driven by what others thought of her, she turned into the toxic heap of waste that was always inside of her. Viciously gossiping about everyone, including her own children.
Although she has no more cash after frittering away a sizeable inheritance, she still has a sizeable monthly pension. So she will be fine in a home.
Today it is raw, but I will put her out of my mind once again. She’s not here for long. I have told my siblings to not bother me with the little stuff, just let me know the big stuff, meaning when she is gone. I have done this to avoid the trap of everyone expecting me to drop everything to deal with her emergencies since I am the closest, and she has made zero arrangements for herself. There is no POA, and she has resisted moving into a home. She expects my brother to fly 2000 miles to fill her car with gas and bring it in for an oil change. I’m not making this up. She is really toxic. BTW, this brother is an angel and has never taken a dime from her.
Someone said here that therapy mostly won’t work because it is not you who needs to change, but them. I think this is mostly true. Although therapy will help you to recognize the hurt they caused, which helps you to not react to situations and people that may trigger these old “hurts”. This is helpful in moving on in life. But like any loss, mourning the loss of a healthy childhood to a narcissistic parent never goes away, the best you can do is to learn to live with it.
To be honest, if she feels discomfort now, I hope that some part of her brain is telling her that she deserves it for all the pain she inflicted on 6 small children many years ago.
how bout doing something, get others to help out, you may not respect them but i'm sure deep down you have some "like" bc they gave you life. some people just don't know how to be parents.
do what you can but don't over due - love yourself first! believe me after they are gone you will at least feel you did try! don't be like they were be better. good luck
If it is beyond them to care for themselves, oh well.
My MIL is abusive. She would say the most awful things to my husband and my FIL was frightened of her, but wouldn’t leave because she would have spent all the money. When FIL passed, she was on her own for about 7 months and deteriorated. She got lost driving & it took her 4 hours to find her way home. Her nephew had to buy her groceries and he would remind her that he was not her husband.
She tried to move in with us but was told she would not like it because she would not like my rules which would have sent her over the edge. (Go to the doctor regularly, keep a clean bedroom, keep the blinds open during the day, take a shower every day and get dressed, get rid of her dog, have to go to adult day care, no online shopping, eat balanced meals and go for regular walks).
She went to assisted living or the police would have taken her in for a mental evaluation. She is still angry over a year later. She doesn’t receive visits, can’t shop like previously (hoarder - DH had her cards cut off), and she doesn’t have a phone so she can’t call the police like she used to do every day for her delusions. We cleaned up her house and sold it, put the $ in her account for her care and she is left alone. That is what she wanted all along - that we not bother her but that she could bother us. Now she can’t do anything- not bother us or anybody. I did help DH so that it might help save some of the funds his father saved so that when she passes, there might be something left for DH.
My father is in mourning. He no longer has his big house, his beautiful wife, his very high-status career. But his mind, his reasoning, and his pride are in tact. Today after months of being at their beck and call- he blew up at me- screaming at the top of his lungs. He got up out of his chair and started to move towards me- his hair wild and his finger waving at me and his face contorted- GET OUT-GET OUT- LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
I don't think of myself as someone who gets triggered. I am pretty in control at this point, my life is amazingly rich. But at that moment I was a very frightened 4 years old girl. I ran out of the room. It took more than an hour for me to calm down enough to drive home.
I realize, I am still begging for recognition that I will never get.
I am still competing with the child he waited 42 years to have.
I am still hoping he will see me and respect me, as me, not just because I am the only left standing.
I was a social worker- I believe we should take care of our people. I believe that the most awful people are worthy of human decency. But I can't live through this day again. I have vowed not to be alone with him for a long while. I never want to see that finger and hear that voice again.
My word of advice to anyone is that you do not have to put your life on hold for people who were never there for you. They are adults. Children are not old age insurance for parents who were mean, cruel and abusive.
My dad left all of us $1.00 dollar in his will. This is how bitter and nasty he was even to the end of his life. We were all adults and had made our own living; so, we weren't expecting anything from him. Towards the end of his life, he had alienated all of his children except for the one who was severely disabled.
Even in good parental relationships, try to keep a balance. Don't give up on career goals, family and make your parent's illness a priority over your own life. Sickness and illness is a fact of life. You can help your parent navigate, but keep in mind, you will be old one day and will need funds to fall back on.
My father abandoned me while in my Mother's womb. I met him when I was 15 years old. I am now 48 years old. He contacts me now, through the mail with Religious Ideology Literature and CD's. You see, 3 years ago, he was run over by a bus, and his leg was amputated as a result. He resides in a retirement home, with strangers taking care of him.
I just recently wrote him this letter, because he sent me a CD by Joyce Meyers, How To Love People Who Are Hard To Love.
This is my letter!
If you are asking me to Love you, or to even try to, the answer to that is ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
I tried to Love you, once upon a time. After many years, of many rejections, many disappearances, and your cold-hearted nature towards me deteriorated what I DID feel for you.
The longing for you to accept me, DETERIORATED.
The wanting you to want me, DETERIORATED.
The wondering when am I going to see him, turned into, I have no interest in seeing him.
For many years, I turned a blind eye to your rejections, your uninterest in me, your unacceptance of me, and your cold-hearted nature towards me. All because I was clinging onto HOPE, like all of the above, that too deteriorated.
I do not appreciate you pushing your lifestyle upon me, I never have, I just never said anything until now. Quit Pushing!!
You were raised with a Christian upbringing, your parents were God-fearing people. My theory is...You kept me a secret because you didn't want your parents to force you to marry. or punish you for being a pre-marital sex sinner or your parents Shun you from the family.
Even way back then--all about Tom----Self-preservation.
To me----you are FRAUD!
May GOD bestow upon you, Tom D. the same LOVE, same SUPPORT you bestowed upon me. Thank you, GOD Thank you Jesus, and Thank you, Angels.
So, Goodbye Tom
Take Care
Lea
NO! do not take care of your parents or parent if they were bad parents, they don't deserve it.
PS. I don't live for society, I live for myself. I don't care what society says about it. Society didn't live my hellish childhood!
It gives me great pleasure knowing that he has to depend on strangers to dress him, bathe him, whatever else they have to do. Those people are helping him only because they are getting paid to do so. They do what needs to be done with him, and on to the next patient. Plus, I am the only family in the area that he has. Some of his sisters have passed away, and the rest of his siblings are spread out over the country, and they are seniors, so there are no visits from them.
The only regret I have in life is Meeting Him. I told him that in a previous 40-page letter I had written to him before the above letter.
KARMA is GREAT!!
My husband suffers from medical issues and has been in and out of the hospital over the years. We finally quit trying to contact her when he was having serious issues because she quite frankly just didn't care. Never did we ever get any response.
We are now in a situation where we are caring for her and she has dementia. For the last seven months we have been caring for both of his parents but my father in-law passed a month ago.
In 2 weeks we are taking his mother back to his sisters where she has lived by choice before the dementia set in. This is not an issue because the sister is willing to take her back and there is a good relationship between us.
I share this background to say that I don't feel guilty about admitting that we can't live with or handle taking care of his mother any longer!
It has been more hurtful to have her here than it was to be ignored. I myself has resentment issues when I have to sit and watch the pain my husband goes through. I can't imagine what he's really going through.
She received some treatment that did help with her memory. And as she is recalling memories of children and grandchildren, she has no memory of our children. Who by the way were ages 7 and 9 when she left. When my husband has tried to talk about it to her she responds with - I was too busy for that.
I have heard her talk to him horribly and say things no mother should say to her child. She's manipulative and only worries about how things affect her.
We are financially going under and have been mentally stressed dealing with his narcissistic father and mother who followed suit.
I agree that anyone dealing with past abuse needs to seek help and find a way to move forward in life, but putting yourself in a situation that is detrimental to your own well being is not an option.
I have a father who is in assisted living because none of us kids will have him in our home. We are helping him and making sure he is being taken care of, but I feel no shame in being realistic that I can't handle being around this man more than a couple of hours let along 24/7.
All of these parents made no preparation for end of life care or retirement, they abused and/or ignored their childrens needs, they have now created messes that we are all left to deal with and clean up in multiple ways.
At this point we have to prepare for our retirement and look to the future for our children and grandchildren.
My grandmother raised me until age 5 and then I have been on my own physically and emotionally. I ran away at 17 and joined the military later. Because I was always told "I would not be anything, but like my dad". Fast forward, I let my mom back 20 years go and the disdain, or what I can affirm as a licensed Education Psychologist, my mom is a malignant narcissist with PTSD, and Alcoholism.
Today, she is drinking/smoking still as a substance abuser, at age 69 and she is now terrorizing my adult children who live with her to help her with a mortgage are now fleeing, as she has regressed mentally and physically with breast cancer, still drinking and driving and smoking.
When I call the local county Adult Protective Services or try to talk to her mental health or doctors, she throws me under the bus and tell them to not talk to me (about her care), or listen to me that "I am a crazy druggie veteran"...smh, but yet she tells people I "don't help her" although and I am disabled war vet with PTSD and Lupus/Autoimmune issues, mostly caused by her.
I almost finished my PhD but had to file for disability, and the while, my mother was telling people, I was taking meth and or crack. Because, I had two jobs, a single mom, and going to graduate school. Was a Commissioner on several boards helping communities, veterans in the SF Bay and took her to several congressional events, smiling in my face all the while telling family and people things that were SIMPLY hateful and not true still. If "I walked with Jesus", she would tell people I am the devil. I pray for my mother's soul every day.
I am going through military trauma therapy and she is not aging or allowing anyone to live in peace by stopping and caring for herself. Being sick on purpose not caring or letting other care, to garner sympathy or narcissistic supply at her mental and physical health demise and our families mental and physical stress. I/we are having all eventually walk away. I MUST cut my losses, as my military counselors said that I have severe childhood trauma physical and mental traumas caused by her. And recently asked, if I wanted to call the officials on these abuses. I was shocked by the fact and they can still go back on child abuse. More so, because I am now facing it. Knowing as she always, never admit or validate my pain, let alone her own childhood pain.
There is nothing MORE I can do because she's ignored my existence since I was born and is now present in her care. When I try to help her unless she wants something from me. A transactional LOVE with her has taught me to be a very empathic person and Mom. My only sibling my sister lives 30 miles from SF Bay where my mom is, and she is checked out too from the abuse two years ago, she left the family cottage on the estate. Now my college kids/grandkids are leaving too, in the midst of COVID. California mental health laws are too protective in the fact there is nothing we can do, but wait for her to get into danger or hurt or hurt someone drinking and driving. The fear that she will lose her home because no one wants to be there with her and or Medicaid will have to put in asst care.
Many sleepless nights
Well, she's 80 y/o now, unwell physically, cognitively, and showing signs of dementia. I thought as a Christian, I should honor her by being her caregiver. It is a full-time job, with multiple doctors' appointments, ER visits, prescription-filling, errands, etc. And, I do not live with her and I have a full-time job, which makes it very difficult.
I admit I've felt resentment, over-whelmed with the responsibility, and ill-equipped to deal with someone with so many issues. My mother is also demanding. I've recently looked for in-home services options. But, she made it clear she does not want that.
I've been her caregiver for several months, and I need respite. I've wanted to just relinquish these tasks. But, I'm an only child, and there is no one else to do these things.
Lately, for the past several weeks, she has called me repeatedly, daily, asking the same questions about the operation of a newly installed thermostat. I've explained, and technicians who installed it, have explained several times how to operate it. It is the basic model. I've drawn diagrams and written down the steps. She is fixated on it and calls me for direction before she even touches it. She has great anxiety about adjusting it (I've recently found a therapist for her). I've told her, to no avail, that it was her decision on the desired temperature. It was based on her comfort level. In researching how to best respond to someone with dementia with repetitive questions, I read it was best to respond, positively, and to keep the conversation short.
Earlier today, when she called for the second time to ask about the temperature setting on the thermostat in her house, I told her it was fine, she did not have to adjust it. She then called me later to chastise me for not telling her to raise the desired house temp. I reminded her she has been told how to do so several times. I did not raise my voice. She hung up on me. I called her back, she insisted I was snappy with her and hung up on me again. I do not think I was snappy. I said what she did not want to hear, or face. Frankly, I think I've gone above-and-beyond with respect to trying to assist her and meet her needs.
This will give me much-needed relief. I will not contact her. I will not take her to/from. She is on her own. It is not good for an abused child to be the caregiver for an abuser. There is lingering negativity. I probably should have gone no-contact years ago.
And you know what? I have a lot of empathy for my parents. I get that they had horrible childhoods. And I really do get that in some sense they sort of are doing the best they can.
The problem is that I can't control my parents' behavior simply by "forgiving" them. And both my parents CONTINUE to abuse me without any remorse or empathy whatsoever.
They can't hit me any more. But they find so many creative ways of being truly nasty, that it is emotionally exhausting and demoralizing to spend time with them. Even calling them on the phone is exhausting frankly. And I am pretty sure I'm not the only grown up abused child who has experienced this.
So many people, even therapists, have this weird idea that grown children of abusive parents can just get therapy, heal, forgive and reconcile with their parents.
But the sad truth is that it's the abusive PARENT who needs to change before there can be a healthy relationship. And in most cases the very things that made the parent abuse a child in the first place mean that they will never ever be willing to admit they aren't perfect, let alone make any real changes in their future behavior.
No one should be expected to live with or care for someone who is ACTIVELY ABUSING THEM. And in most cases that's what taking care of an abusive parent means. My opinion? They didn't have the right to abuse us. And they don't have the right to reap the rewards in old age of the "great relationship" they pretended to have when we were too little to stand up for ourselves.
To quote my therapist last time my mom got sick: "Do NOT drop your life and fly down there to take care of her! You don't owe her that! She is NOT that kind of Mother!"
I now have my own life and have spent many years in therapy. I mourn what I lost and celebrate what I've learned. I'm mostly happy. Except when I have to see my parents. They live an hour away, and expect their children to help them maintain their singly family home. Sometimes I'm able to access my highest self and spend time with them and help them and be ok. But other times I get sick after seeing them, like getting a headache, throwing up, or feeling suicidal without knowing what hit me. I don't seem to be able to predict what the aftermath of seeing them will be...satisfaction at doing my duty or rage at having to spend time in their cloud of negativity and criticism.
If I didn't have a sibling who will get stuck with 100% of the load, I would cut off all contact with my parents. I know my sibling will resent me if I don't pitch in, and I don't want to lose my sibling or my sibling's family because of my parents. Then they really would have won.
Thanks for listening. I just needed somewhere I could say all of this. People usually tell me to take the high road and do whatever I can for them so I won't regret it when they're dead. I wish I could find a balance where I'm doing what I can while respecting my own body's reactions. This is hard.
All pain is valid and your mileage may vary as the saying goes. But coming from such a sick family, I can attest to the psychological terrorism as H*LL --- I endured it through childhood and later adulthood though living away. I was last at home to get the brunt of the full fledged illness and was the target of insanity.
You can see by the posts that you are not alone. We understand-
2. If the abusive parent(s) didn't recognize and admit their failures when you were younger, it is improbable that the parent(s) will blurt out an admission of guilt in the final years/months/days.
3. You have a choice as to whether to be involved with them in their final years. Weigh the pros and cons and commit to your decision.
4. Finally, if you post a 2,000+ word response to any of these articles, please make sure you are taking care of yourself and seeking professional counseling. It might be too late for parental love, but the opportunities for self-love are abundant.
Unshackle yourselves from this emotional bondage. Treat the care-giving as just a job and detach with love or without love, or just fake some love and get through it. If you are doing it for an inheritance, then suck it up. If you are doing it because you are a kind person, then, well, I hope the Universe rewards you. Just, above all else, take care of yourself.
I knew if I had told either my father or my brothers, they would have beaten him within an inch of his life and then the next time I was alone with him, ( which was inevitable) he would have beaten me severely. It was a survival tactic.
What I did not realize was one of my survival skills was to build an invisible wall around myself and my heart for self defense. To this day, I have no idea how to take down those impervious walls. I have been through YEARS of counseling, nothing helped, just lots of money wasted.
Then when I was about 21, he got me so angry that it all came out like a flood. I told him I hated him for what he did to me. First, he went silent. Then he actually told me I "asked for it." I started shaking. I could not believe he would blame a 7 year old that was clueless about what sex even was, that I had "asked for it." We were both still living at home and I called Mom at work shaking and told her what had just happened. She told me she would take care of things tomorrow. The next morning she announced that if we (my brother and I) could not work things out, we both had to leave her house. So, with nowhere to go, I would have rather lived in my car than one more night under the same roof as the brother that told me "I asked for it." I begged the landlord of my current boyfriend that had an extra room in his house if I could stay with him. He took pity on me thank god and let me stay there. I was raw with pain and disbelief my Mom could turn her back on me again. I went into a very deep depression and was diagnosed by a doctor with "severe depression" and he gave me prescription drugs that just made me feel like a walking zombie. I was in h*ll. I quit the meds and went on.
Now Mom is sorry and ashamed she was not there for me. I can forgive but I cannot forget. She had chosen me over my brothers to be the one to care for her and live with me when she could no longer fend for herself. My brothers (only interested in her money) have nothing to do with helping her and have made me the Pariah though I had NOTHING to do with Mom's decision on who would care for her and be DPOA. Somedays, it's really tough, old issues resurface, dedicating my life to making sure she is properly cared for, dealing with my brother still and his manipulative, greedy, self serving behavior, I finally booted him off the property and cut him off from taking $$$ from Mom. It's like the never ending nightmare that I can never be done with. Unfortunately, my husband suffers because I can never let down the wall I built around my heart that has become as integrated a part of me as my own skin, as much as I want it to disappear. I cannot allow myself to let anyone damage me further and allow total vulnerability with my heart. This is the damage that cannot be erased. My husband always tells me if that had been done to him, he would never had anything to do with her. I had to grow up and realize she could not choose to alienate or choose between us. Not that I condone how she handled things, just more insight as to why she did what she did. She couldn't face the ugly truth. Lastly, being her caregiver has stripped me of freedom ans has put a strain on my marriage. That's my new reality.
Exhausted52: my friend would buy the cheapest card she could find regardless of what it said.