It's important to also work with people you can trust. This article has some other important thoughts on protecting loved ones from elder abuse https://www.homehelpershomecare.com/wheaton/community-blog/2023/june/home-helpers-is-keeping-seniors-safe-from-elder-/
Leonard J. Hansen's article is excellent as far as it goes. One of the most informative articles I've read on this topic to date is Clare Annsberry's "U. S. Is Running Out of Caregivers" in The Wall Street Journal (July 21-22, 2018). I'd definitely recommend it to anyone concerned about elder care in the 21st Century.
A topic not yet addressed adequately may be the connection between homelessness and elder abuse.
Is it possible for an individual who is an outsider to commit elderly abuse by refusing to pay for a vehicle by coercing him to sign a piece of paper saying it was a gift?
I know someone, that is a friend that is being taken advantage of by his own niece. So far I have learned she had him sign a POA "Power of attorney" & he more than likely had no idea what he was signing. He is 64 yrs of age and can't read or write. The niece and others with her, have began taking things of value from his home without him knowing about it. Terry is in a home for the aged & was told he has stage 4 liver cancer, & was given 6 months to a year to live. They are acting like he is already dead. Terry gave them permission to pay his bills only. He has a car collection with many many metal collector cars with moving parts like doors & hoods. Each of these cost him over $100. Terry has been collecting them for years & had no idea they had taken them from his home. His niece has already gone thru his room & thrown away brand new items of clothing into the trash. They are trying to Evict his room mate. The room mate has also had items stolen from his storage items. Which we are making a list of. So far as I can tell, the niece is doing a lot of shady things as far as I can tell. I am wondering where I should begin to try and get all of this stopped. I have called the Attorney General's office regarding the eviction process. I have discovered that they have not proceeded lawfully in this matter either.
Hi, My name is Juan. I hope anyone here can HELP me. I have been everywhere and have asked manny manny people for advise and what i should do but i have had no help. My Uncle who is now 86 years of age has been taken advantage of from a complete stranger / outsider. This stranger has now apparently bought my uncles house for R20000 and he has givven my uncle living rights, but my uncle has been paying this stranger R800 a month for rent ect for the last 2 Years. Isnt living rights NO rent etc??? I am so upset by this. Where in your life do you buy a house for R20000? My uncle cannot remember ever recieving any money from this strager or ever seen him before in his life. What do i do? This guy has been thretening my uncle if my uncle doesnt sign what this guy wants my uncle to sign? I had to find out about a week ago that this guy has been taking my uncles SASSA cards for his pension and ID Book as well. Please if anybody can help me or know of someome that can help me. Please please please. I cannot let this happen any futher. My uncle is the only one left in the famaly and i cannot see him go like this! Thank you
So helpful. It is difficult to care for an elderly parent and work long hours. I never realized that leaving them alone can be neglect because the elderly forget to drink water and eat. If they are 93 they must have someone care for them and not left alone for extended periods throughout the day. This can be unintentional abuse.
mitzipinki I am truly so sorry to hear about your story, I may not have experience the stress and struggles you encountered but I saw it happened to my parents who provided care to my grandparents...luckily, they have a very good caregivers who assisted them which they already considered family. You may be right at one point, caregivers and staffs in long term care fo acilities are truly amazing on providing care to people who are even strangers to them, however, we cannot set aside the facts that there are still elders being abused, this is not in general, but there are cases that it really happened
No offense karenlorenzo, but if you have stayed in a nursing home for any length of time with a loved one, I can assure you that you would be able to understand how it happens. What you would not be able to comprehend is how many keep their composure and extend such compassion. That is where the true blessing is.
When I stayed with my father in respite care it was combined with a nursing home and they put a extensive need nursing home patient in with my father who screamed all the time. With a stroke all down his one side he used to undress himself (somehow) and fall out of bed regularly. My father could not rest to do his own rehab and nurses got very agitated with him and left him alone. It wasn't until I stepped in (since living at the rehab with my father) that they did something about it. Or there was the other roommate they moved in with my father who used to scream for her daughter all the time at all hours of the morning. Then when they brought her out to sit in a wheel chair at the nurses station, she was into everything. Her constant screaming I had to get her moved out of rehab as well because it was slowing down my father's progress.
When I got my parents into assisted living, staff had to constantly deal with a man who was always seeking the time and walking around making sure everyone did everything according to his clock like he was an administrator. Or having to deal with the people trying to get out all the time or asking repeated questions.
I'm sorry, but I'm more floored that there are not more abusers. People who work with geriatric patients are saints. They need support from family, not criticisms. They are helping do our tasks that we can no longer do. I could and can understand the frustrations. If we think that it is not possible and criticize those who do, we are wrong. We should be asking how can we help relieve the stressors. What signs can we watch for. Too many people dump family and then expect miracles.
I lived in rehab with my father and I was at assisted living all the time talking with staff, supporting them, treating them with respect, coming with jokes or gifts to help them with their stressful days. To think they are criminals is wrong. Being in that environment all the time has fast burnout rates and I think we need to educate the family caregivers just as well.
Try praying for caregivers. They are taking on the jobs that you and I cannot handle. So why do we have different expectations? They are not superhuman and if we recognize signs of stress in any one of them, we need to work with administrators to rectify it before it goes to the extreme of abuse.
There are hundreds of thousand reports on elder abuse yearly. It's saddening how some people take advantage of the weakness and vulnerability of seniors. Usually, long term care recipients suffer from physical, mental and even emotional abuse. Despite being frail and affected by chronic illness, I can't imagine how people and even caregivers have the heart to abuse them. Elders deserve to be taken cared of, we should be able to give them the courtesy and respect that is due them.
It would be important to prevent any kind of abuse among seniors, and if they are already abused, we should also be able to handle it.
I can relate as my father had a girl friend named Dolores that died (Yes there is a God) but before death caused him to change his POA. Suddenly, cousins and his sister who my father wasn't speaking suddenly come out of the wood work. I ran into the current POA that Dolores got my father to designate at the assisted living. He told me that my cousin Charlene of Chesapeake, Virginia was talking bad about me but of course she would. According to the new will she will ultimately end up with my father's millions. I wish all of the scum sucking leaches would join Dolores in h*ll. I just wish my father was in his right mind or I wish I had the money so that a lawyer could help me resolve this issue.
I am trying to find my dear sister who is my best friend and her son and his wife will not tell me where they have put her. My sisters husband passed away on April 10, 2012 and the "family" who never came to visit them, all of a sudden are taking everything out of my sisters home, garage, and her bank account. When I called them to find out what was going on they were very nasty to me and more or less told me to stay out of it, I went to the sons house where I think my sister had been kept for awhile and he told me to leave and when I asked where my sister was going to go he said to a assisted living facility and he would let me know so I left, believing he would contact me but now they have hidden her and I do not know how to contact her, she suffers from dementia but knows who I am and her heighbor said she was asking for me, I am baffled by the fact that family can be so greedy and not let me see my best friend, she is 76 and her name is Mary and I heard that she may be in the Santa Clarita, CA area in a assisted living home. Any ideas on how I may locate her, I have called almost all homes in Santa Clarita and all I get is a recording and no return call..
WHAT IF A SISTER AND BROTHER CAME IN AND TOOK ALL THE FANANIAL STUFF, AND LIED ABOUT THE CAREKEEPER, AND THERE THE ONES WHO DID NOTHING , AND ALL THEY WANTED WAS THE MONEY THERE MOM HAD, AND ALL THE CAREGIVER SISTER WANTED WAS SOME HELP SINCE SHE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH HER HEALTH, AND NEEDED A BREAK AFTER YEARS OF NOT HAVING ONE AND FROM THEM ALWAYS FIGHTING ABOUT THE BACKING ACCOUNTS, AND THIS IS VERY MIND BOTTLEING ALL THE TIME, ITS HARD DOING EVERYTHING WITHOUT ANY HELP AND BEING LSFT OUT OF FAMILY AND KNOW SUPPORT FROM ANYONE,
THE CAREGIVER NEVER HAD KNOW REASON TO BOTHER WITH THE BANKING ACCOUNTS, BUT THE OTHERS WERE JUST JEALOUS AND SINCE THEY WEREN'T DOING NOTHING FOR THERE MOTHER FELT GUILTY, THEY THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANYTHING, SO THEY NEW THERE MOM WAS GETTING OLDER AND USED THE START OF DEMENTIA TO GET TO THERE MOTHER, AND TURN ON THE SISTER WHO TOOK CARE OF THE MOM ALL THE YEARS,
WHAN SHE DIDN'T DO NOTHING WRONG, BUT TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHER THE BEST WAY SHE NEW HOW, WITH THE HEALTH PROBLEMS SHE HAD, AND HAD NO HELP AT ALL FROM THE MOTHERS DAUGHTER OR SON, WHEN ASK SEVERAL TIMES,
ALL THEY SAID TO PUT THERE MOTHER IN A HOME, AND THEN THE MOTHER BLAME THE CAREGIVER DAUGHTER FOR THAT, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DAUGHTER WHO WAS THE CAREGIVER, THE MOTHER COULD OF BEEN LEFT IN HER HOME AND THE OTHER KIDS WOULD OF LEFT HER WITHOUT FOOD AND SHE COULD OF FALL AND THEY WOULDN'T OF EVEN NEW IT, , BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH HER, THATS WHY SHE CALLED THE ONE WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER NOW, WHAT DOES A PERSON DO, WHO BEEN BLAME FOR DOING SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T DO, BUT THE ONES WHO DID. THEY TOOK ALL THE STUFF, AND NOW THEY DON'T EVEN BOTHER NOW WITH HER AS FAR AS I KNOW,, SO THAT'S ALL THEY WANTED, SO THEY GOT THERE MONEY AND I STILL HAVE MOM, AND I STILL HAVE NO HELP AND I'M STILL HAVING ALOT OF MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND MY MOM NEEDS MORE HELP AND I NEED HELP TO TAQKE CAREOF HER,
THERE IS ONE THING, I HAVE BEEN ALWAYS ASKING FOR HELP, AND I DONE WHAT I COULD, THEY WANTED HER IN A HOME BUT THEY DIDN'T GO THREW WITH ALL OF IT, AND I WAS IN BAD SHAPE AND THE LADY WAS TO HELP ME DIDN;T AND I DIDN'T HAVE KNOW WHAT I NEEDED.
My mom is being financially abused by a "friend," who she now calls her "new family." She is totally isolated by said friend from real family, and told we were "abusing" my mother, and had her phone bugged. They told her not to use her own telephone anymore, and that she needed to stop talking to her family. This person is getting paid at least $100 per month to drive mom to appointments. Her family was doing it out of their own pocket. Who's abusing who?????
Wow, Mitzi! I feel for you. Guess we have more in common then previously thought. I'm on the same path as you now.
I am not waiting. I found out about it today, and talked to the State Police today. We already had one parent lose his home over a financial abuse issue. Now they are working on my other parent. This same person told the authorities we were abusing mom. We can account for every penny! Now she's getting paid (and mom is OK with that). Already, thousands of dollars of antiques and silver have been given away. Now, another $100, plus $60 is going out to be "protecting" my mom. Some protection. And the guardian tells me it's court sanctioned. Time for a new lawyer, too!
Well Cat, this happened prior to my parents going into assisted living, so its a little more challenging to handle this. This couple has been "close" friends with my parents for 45+ years. When I stayed with dad for three weeks prior to them going into assisted living that's when I discovered what was going on. Mom kept all the trash as friends and kept those who honestly loved her away. Personally, I wouldn't expect anything less.
I did talk with the administration and we actually have a photo they requested I submit to them to watch for this couple "just appearing" for a visit. I've kept all the communication with dates and stamped envelopes to track information.
I now have an appointment with an attorney to see which needs to be done, a personal protection order or a restraining order. I have already talked to the church and apparently the "church" talked to this couple because I received a "direct" letter told not to use the word badgering or relentless when communicating with them and they will still wait to hear from me about going to see my parents.
I'm not sure what part of do not communicate they do not get... anyway, I digress. The only ally that has actually seen behaviors and such is my husband and all I can do is deal with this as we go. My husband believes I should let this couple visit my parents to get more on them and I'm like NO WAY!! It would just trigger mom and send her backwards emotionally. What you have to understand about my mother is she performed for different audiences accordingly. The people she associates with at church see the one side I will never be able to prove to them. They will some day have to experience mom for themselves.
I appreciate the info. I will keep in touch on this. Can't wait to have another attorney! LOL I live for drama... NOT!
if your parents are in an assisted living facility, have a talk with the Administrator and DON...advise them about this couple, and also ask to meet your local state ombudsman at the facility. This is not going to be surprising to them, and if you enlist them to help you, you can save your parents alot of heartache.
Document all of these meetings in writing, and get signatures / names. What you can do is minimize the impact of these people. Once you have done that, invite the church minister to the facility for a follow up meeting and discuss in front of the Administrator, Ombudsman and DON (she will be your ally - which is more important than the social services staffer) your concerns and need for this parish's help in protecting your parents. You need to get people on your parents side who can help by keeping their eyes open.
Generally one way to victimize, or exercise undue influence over seniors is doing exactly what you wrote about - so if it is all one big happy family, with many people involved with the seniors, it makes it less easy to manipulate them. If the couple is simply dysfunctional, it will be recognized and managed by the staff - if they are manipulative for some type of gain, they will not continue with additional scrutiny unless they are sociopaths - in which case, you will be able to document why they should be prohibited from the facility....
take care, it is not easy walking the line between wanting your parents to have friends and a social live, and protecting them from potential harm. There are thousands of cases like this every year - so don't let yourself become isolated & angry - stay upbeat and reach out to all for help.
No, but here's a general jist of what happened (nothing concrete but all points toward):
1) didn't come around a whole lot until dad had stroke (mom now house-bound) 2) my mom gave her $500-$1,000/wk or month to be mom's whipping post (they didn't know it) 3) this couple (meaning the wife), gave my mom all these crazy ideas (ie. when dad couldn't drive told my mom she could give him direction on how to drive so she wouldn't lose her independence - mom did it!!) 4) when I cut them off after my parents got into assisted living they have been relentless in trying to communicate with my parents. 5) I put in writing several times not to communicate with my parents and that "it would not be beneficial to communicate with my parents" (as they thought it might be) 6) Now they are using people from the church to drop off letters or packages to my parents. I haven't seen items yet, but they will do this according to a message from this couple.
If this last one happens, I am going to the church pastor (I grew up in this parochial school which makes it much harder), then I'm going to our attorney. I have not returned this couple's calls. The Rev. who was in charge of visiting shut-in's retired and interestingly enough when I talked to him once he mentioned how this couple was badgering him over how my parents were doing, etc. Did not say relentless said "badgering".
I'm at wits end with this couple. I guess I hate the appearance of being the bad guy, but in the end I'm always vindicated publicly. It is also hard for me to go to the church (still debating), because I have no "solid" evidence, its just a lot of little things. They will look at me like, "So they want to minister to your parents, what's the problem?" And I'm just going to feel like ripping their heads off.
I also noticed that when a Christmas card got through with a letter to my mom (with this couples phone number plastered all over it) she started her back to normal crap and it became a new issue of control with my mother. I don't want this couple in their life and I don't care if they have been friends for 45+ years.
This couple can't afford a pot to pee in, they have crap stacked all over their house that they have a pathway to get to their bed, kitchen etc and "suddenly" within the last couple of years they got a new car???? Oh please.... no one buys people more than my mother. I could tell you stories til the cows come home, but this is just flat out annoying. This woman is a strong A-type personality (as am I), but short of physically knocking her out, I'm at a loss what to do. The attorney stated I can get a personal protection order, but truly I'm not really sure what good it will do. The woman ignores every freaking request known to man. I even put it point blank with the statement, "Are you really friends or is it something more?" WOW did I get a letter about that.
Mitzi, have they tried getting them to sign over their house to them yet? Some church groups have that as a goal. It's rotten to the core but sounds like you're on your way to stopping what they're doing.
I know of one episode where a child took this drastic action, but it worked. That offspring went to the church, asked to speak for a moment, then related in a nice way what some people were doing without naming names. They also stated they wanted it stopped before it went any further. It worked.
It takes nerve, but sometimes nerve is all a caretaker has going for them.
"Friends" of the family (I use that term loosely), are harrassing my parents, and have manipulated them to get all sorts of "generosity" dispersed to them. It irks me to no end because I see what this couple does to my mom (and she's diagnosed coherent). I basically stopped the "generosity" train when I got power of attorney and whhoooeee has this couple been relentless.
I'm one step away from taking legal action. I put in writing several times do not contact my parents. They are from my parent's church and have the "appearance" of doing good for the elderly, but in reality... I'm just so not going there! The folks from the church are people I know, etc so I tend to watch how I tread because some of these folks have helped.
How do you go about from stopping money grubbing kniving persistent little sneaks? I have to play nice with people from the church, but at the same token lay down the law without it really getting back to my parents (mom really). OY!
"you would be shocked at the lines that people cross sometimes"... well said. ++++++++++ Have you noticed how those same people don't cross those lines until the elderly one gets a bit on the feeble side? They're bullies. If you think back, think hard, those same people probably displayed those same personality traits earlier in life toward some people but waited until the parent was less than 100% to make a move on them.
My sister verbally and financially abused my Mother. Never would I have believed this till I saw it. I had to take action and it was hard and it of course broke any relationship with my sister and her family. But breaking them with was freeing knowing their depth of psychological breaks, incapacity for empathy, lack of moral fiber, and depth of cruelty and self absorption. My Mother is doing well now. Surprisingly, I find myself in the role of Cordelia, the youngest for so long. With one sister dead and the remaining due to elder abuse... all but dead. But how horrible a break. She can no longer talk to my sister except in public spaces, and can no longer trust her at all. The offenses were great and the family losses were great - we used to label ourselves as a happy family. Why do people throw all the goodness out of their lives with both hands! I really related to your line that suddenly with my Mother elderly and alone.... "you would be shocked at the lines that people cross sometimes"... well said.
Thank you for this article. My mother was a victim of elder abuse at the hands of her youngest that moved into her house - - - the worst part was attempting to get anything done about it.
My mother sadly lost her home, all of her possessions, all savings and nearly lost her life - she was sent to the ER. My sibling called me and told me that my mother was "gone".....when I checked it out with paramedics, I found out what hospital she was taken to. My sibling had introduced her friend/neighbor as my mothers other daughter and told the ER nurse my mother was out of it and that she (the sibling) had POA - although my mother was conscious my sibling said DO NOT RESCESITATE..... It was horrible, sad to learn the extent of what my sibling had done. All the signs were there- - -sadly no one would help until the whole thing blew up.
My mother now lives with me and is doing just fine 6 years after the event. The moral of the story is that if your parent is important - save them first - money and property may be lost, but you will never forgive yourself if you don't take action. YOu would be shocked at the lines that people will cross sometimes, I know I was.
24 Comments
First Oldest
First
5 Types of Elder Abuse and How to Prevent Them
A topic not yet addressed adequately may be the connection between homelessness and elder abuse.
So far I have learned she had him sign a POA "Power of attorney" & he more than likely had no idea what he was signing. He is 64 yrs of age and can't read or write. The niece and others with her, have began taking things of value from his home without him knowing about it. Terry is in a home for the aged & was told he has stage 4 liver cancer, & was given 6 months to a year to live. They are acting like he is already dead. Terry gave them permission to pay his bills only. He has a car collection with many many metal collector cars with moving parts like doors & hoods. Each of these cost him over $100. Terry has been collecting them for years & had no idea they had taken them from his home. His niece has already gone thru his room & thrown away brand new items of clothing into the trash. They are trying to Evict his room mate. The room mate has also had items stolen from his storage items. Which we are making a list of. So far as I can tell, the niece is doing a lot of shady things as far as I can tell. I am wondering where I should begin to try and get all of this stopped. I have called the Attorney General's office regarding the eviction process. I have discovered that they have not proceeded lawfully in this matter either.
The Golden Estate
Privileged Living for Senior Citizens
When I stayed with my father in respite care it was combined with a nursing home and they put a extensive need nursing home patient in with my father who screamed all the time. With a stroke all down his one side he used to undress himself (somehow) and fall out of bed regularly. My father could not rest to do his own rehab and nurses got very agitated with him and left him alone. It wasn't until I stepped in (since living at the rehab with my father) that they did something about it. Or there was the other roommate they moved in with my father who used to scream for her daughter all the time at all hours of the morning. Then when they brought her out to sit in a wheel chair at the nurses station, she was into everything. Her constant screaming I had to get her moved out of rehab as well because it was slowing down my father's progress.
When I got my parents into assisted living, staff had to constantly deal with a man who was always seeking the time and walking around making sure everyone did everything according to his clock like he was an administrator. Or having to deal with the people trying to get out all the time or asking repeated questions.
I'm sorry, but I'm more floored that there are not more abusers. People who work with geriatric patients are saints. They need support from family, not criticisms. They are helping do our tasks that we can no longer do. I could and can understand the frustrations. If we think that it is not possible and criticize those who do, we are wrong. We should be asking how can we help relieve the stressors. What signs can we watch for. Too many people dump family and then expect miracles.
I lived in rehab with my father and I was at assisted living all the time talking with staff, supporting them, treating them with respect, coming with jokes or gifts to help them with their stressful days. To think they are criminals is wrong. Being in that environment all the time has fast burnout rates and I think we need to educate the family caregivers just as well.
Try praying for caregivers. They are taking on the jobs that you and I cannot handle. So why do we have different expectations? They are not superhuman and if we recognize signs of stress in any one of them, we need to work with administrators to rectify it before it goes to the extreme of abuse.
It would be important to prevent any kind of abuse among seniors, and if they are already abused, we should also be able to handle it.
AND ALL THE CAREGIVER SISTER WANTED WAS SOME HELP SINCE SHE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH HER HEALTH, AND NEEDED A BREAK AFTER YEARS OF NOT HAVING ONE AND FROM THEM ALWAYS FIGHTING ABOUT THE BACKING ACCOUNTS, AND THIS IS VERY MIND BOTTLEING ALL THE TIME, ITS HARD DOING EVERYTHING WITHOUT ANY HELP AND BEING LSFT OUT OF FAMILY AND KNOW SUPPORT FROM ANYONE,
THE CAREGIVER NEVER HAD KNOW REASON TO BOTHER WITH THE BANKING ACCOUNTS, BUT THE OTHERS WERE JUST JEALOUS AND SINCE THEY WEREN'T DOING NOTHING FOR THERE MOTHER FELT GUILTY, THEY THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANYTHING, SO THEY NEW THERE MOM WAS GETTING OLDER AND USED THE START OF DEMENTIA TO GET TO THERE MOTHER, AND TURN ON THE SISTER WHO TOOK CARE OF THE MOM ALL THE YEARS,
WHAN SHE DIDN'T DO NOTHING WRONG, BUT TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHER THE BEST WAY SHE NEW HOW, WITH THE HEALTH PROBLEMS SHE HAD, AND HAD NO HELP AT ALL FROM THE MOTHERS DAUGHTER OR SON, WHEN ASK SEVERAL TIMES,
ALL THEY SAID TO PUT THERE MOTHER IN A HOME, AND THEN THE MOTHER BLAME THE CAREGIVER DAUGHTER FOR THAT, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DAUGHTER WHO WAS THE CAREGIVER, THE MOTHER COULD OF BEEN LEFT IN HER HOME AND THE OTHER KIDS WOULD OF LEFT HER WITHOUT FOOD AND SHE COULD OF FALL AND THEY WOULDN'T OF EVEN NEW IT, , BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH HER, THATS WHY SHE CALLED THE ONE WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER NOW,
WHAT DOES A PERSON DO, WHO BEEN BLAME FOR DOING SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T DO,
BUT THE ONES WHO DID. THEY TOOK ALL THE STUFF, AND NOW THEY DON'T EVEN BOTHER NOW WITH HER AS FAR AS I KNOW,, SO THAT'S ALL THEY WANTED, SO THEY GOT THERE MONEY AND I STILL HAVE MOM, AND I STILL HAVE NO HELP AND I'M STILL HAVING ALOT OF MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND MY MOM NEEDS MORE HELP AND I NEED HELP TO TAQKE CAREOF HER,
THERE IS ONE THING, I HAVE BEEN ALWAYS ASKING FOR HELP, AND I DONE WHAT I COULD, THEY WANTED HER IN A HOME BUT THEY DIDN'T GO THREW WITH ALL OF IT, AND I WAS IN BAD SHAPE AND THE LADY WAS TO HELP ME DIDN;T AND I DIDN'T HAVE KNOW WHAT I NEEDED.
Wow, Mitzi! I feel for you. Guess we have more in common then previously thought. I'm on the same path as you now.
I am not waiting. I found out about it today, and talked to the State Police today. We already had one parent lose his home over a financial abuse issue. Now they are working on my other parent. This same person told the authorities we were abusing mom. We can account for every penny! Now she's getting paid (and mom is OK with that). Already, thousands of dollars of antiques and silver have been given away. Now, another $100, plus $60 is going out to be "protecting" my mom. Some protection. And the guardian tells me it's court sanctioned. Time for a new lawyer, too!
I did talk with the administration and we actually have a photo they requested I submit to them to watch for this couple "just appearing" for a visit. I've kept all the communication with dates and stamped envelopes to track information.
I now have an appointment with an attorney to see which needs to be done, a personal protection order or a restraining order. I have already talked to the church and apparently the "church" talked to this couple because I received a "direct" letter told not to use the word badgering or relentless when communicating with them and they will still wait to hear from me about going to see my parents.
I'm not sure what part of do not communicate they do not get... anyway, I digress. The only ally that has actually seen behaviors and such is my husband and all I can do is deal with this as we go. My husband believes I should let this couple visit my parents to get more on them and I'm like NO WAY!! It would just trigger mom and send her backwards emotionally. What you have to understand about my mother is she performed for different audiences accordingly. The people she associates with at church see the one side I will never be able to prove to them. They will some day have to experience mom for themselves.
I appreciate the info. I will keep in touch on this. Can't wait to have another attorney! LOL I live for drama... NOT!
if your parents are in an assisted living facility, have a talk with the Administrator and DON...advise them about this couple, and also ask to meet your local state ombudsman at the facility. This is not going to be surprising to them, and if you enlist them to help you, you can save your parents alot of heartache.
Document all of these meetings in writing, and get signatures / names. What you can do is minimize the impact of these people. Once you have done that, invite the church minister to the facility for a follow up meeting and discuss in front of the Administrator, Ombudsman and DON (she will be your ally - which is more important than the social services staffer) your concerns and need for this parish's help in protecting your parents. You need to get people on your parents side who can help by keeping their eyes open.
Generally one way to victimize, or exercise undue influence over seniors is doing exactly what you wrote about - so if it is all one big happy family, with many people involved with the seniors, it makes it less easy to manipulate them. If the couple is simply dysfunctional, it will be recognized and managed by the staff - if they are manipulative for some type of gain, they will not continue with additional scrutiny unless they are sociopaths - in which case, you will be able to document why they should be prohibited from the facility....
take care, it is not easy walking the line between wanting your parents to have friends and a social live, and protecting them from potential harm. There are thousands of cases like this every year - so don't let yourself become isolated & angry - stay upbeat and reach out to all for help.
best,
Cat
1) didn't come around a whole lot until dad had stroke (mom now house-bound)
2) my mom gave her $500-$1,000/wk or month to be mom's whipping post (they didn't know it)
3) this couple (meaning the wife), gave my mom all these crazy ideas (ie. when dad couldn't drive told my mom she could give him direction on how to drive so she wouldn't lose her independence - mom did it!!)
4) when I cut them off after my parents got into assisted living they have been relentless in trying to communicate with my parents.
5) I put in writing several times not to communicate with my parents and that "it would not be beneficial to communicate with my parents" (as they thought it might be)
6) Now they are using people from the church to drop off letters or packages to my parents. I haven't seen items yet, but they will do this according to a message from this couple.
If this last one happens, I am going to the church pastor (I grew up in this parochial school which makes it much harder), then I'm going to our attorney. I have not returned this couple's calls. The Rev. who was in charge of visiting shut-in's retired and interestingly enough when I talked to him once he mentioned how this couple was badgering him over how my parents were doing, etc. Did not say relentless said "badgering".
I'm at wits end with this couple. I guess I hate the appearance of being the bad guy, but in the end I'm always vindicated publicly. It is also hard for me to go to the church (still debating), because I have no "solid" evidence, its just a lot of little things. They will look at me like, "So they want to minister to your parents, what's the problem?" And I'm just going to feel like ripping their heads off.
I also noticed that when a Christmas card got through with a letter to my mom (with this couples phone number plastered all over it) she started her back to normal crap and it became a new issue of control with my mother. I don't want this couple in their life and I don't care if they have been friends for 45+ years.
This couple can't afford a pot to pee in, they have crap stacked all over their house that they have a pathway to get to their bed, kitchen etc and "suddenly" within the last couple of years they got a new car???? Oh please.... no one buys people more than my mother. I could tell you stories til the cows come home, but this is just flat out annoying. This woman is a strong A-type personality (as am I), but short of physically knocking her out, I'm at a loss what to do. The attorney stated I can get a personal protection order, but truly I'm not really sure what good it will do. The woman ignores every freaking request known to man. I even put it point blank with the statement, "Are you really friends or is it something more?" WOW did I get a letter about that.
Anyway... thanks for the vent and any info.
I know of one episode where a child took this drastic action, but it worked. That offspring went to the church, asked to speak for a moment, then related in a nice way what some people were doing without naming names. They also stated they wanted it stopped before it went any further. It worked.
It takes nerve, but sometimes nerve is all a caretaker has going for them.
I'm one step away from taking legal action. I put in writing several times do not contact my parents. They are from my parent's church and have the "appearance" of doing good for the elderly, but in reality... I'm just so not going there! The folks from the church are people I know, etc so I tend to watch how I tread because some of these folks have helped.
How do you go about from stopping money grubbing kniving persistent little sneaks? I have to play nice with people from the church, but at the same token lay down the law without it really getting back to my parents (mom really). OY!
++++++++++
Have you noticed how those same people don't cross those lines until the elderly one gets a bit on the feeble side? They're bullies. If you think back, think hard, those same people probably displayed those same personality traits earlier in life toward some people but waited until the parent was less than 100% to make a move on them.
My mother sadly lost her home, all of her possessions, all savings and nearly lost her life - she was sent to the ER. My sibling called me and told me that my mother was "gone".....when I checked it out with paramedics, I found out what hospital she was taken to. My sibling had introduced her friend/neighbor as my mothers other daughter and told the ER nurse my mother was out of it and that she (the sibling) had POA - although my mother was conscious my sibling said DO NOT RESCESITATE..... It was horrible, sad to learn the extent of what my sibling had done. All the signs were there- - -sadly no one would help until the whole thing blew up.
My mother now lives with me and is doing just fine 6 years after the event. The moral of the story is that if your parent is important - save them first - money and property may be lost, but you will never forgive yourself if you don't take action. YOu would be shocked at the lines that people will cross sometimes, I know I was.