I also would like to add, while it's not right, we know that our family will always forgive and love us - that's why we feel at times, we can speak out!

we are human and yes have regrets but i'm sure there were many times, when your loved one knew you were there for them. try to think of the times you were there and i'll bet they over shadow the bad times.

I cannot begin to tell you how helpful this is!! Emailing it to myself so I can read it every day!

I am still in this nightmare of knowing how mean I was to my dying mother and know she forgave me, the Lord's forgiven me, but I cry and regret every day. I was her only caregiver for a year and a half and I got so self centered and said things to make her feel like a burden...I wanted her to say it was okay to put her in a nursing home, and she finally did, but everything happened so quickly I barely had time to ask her to forgive me. She would not want me to grieve like this but I am still trying to figure my behavior out...I know I wasn't always mean, but I said so many things and she couldn't help how she was...I need to get emotionally healthy for my son who has autism and loved her so much...and I know I need to...prayers would be so welcome. I can't believe I am as low of a person to hurt that beautiful woman as I am....

Phyllis... I'm 'guilty' just like you and, I imagine, many, many other caregiver's out their that gave unselfishly and yet, couldn't give enough... Oh, how exhausted all this caregiving is on top of all the parental acceptance, sibling rivalries, ... all the 'just can't do or 'be' enough... While we can't think straight, can't sleep, can't eat or remember how we used to be... I'm guilty also... I hurt like you and low y life will never be the same... But, we (few) took the risk in our unconditional love and did the best we could... I pray like you, that God will help us through... we'll pray together.

((((Phyllis))))) you deserve happiness again, and I am sure that your mother would want you to have it. Guilt is part of the grieving process, and eventually it should lessen. It might be worth your while looking for a grief group where you can express your feelings. I do pray and I will pray for you. Remember your mother loves you and so does God and they both want to see you healed of this pain. Blessings!

Thank you Golden, I know I was burned out but why I took it out on my precious mother, I'll never know. She is happy now but I don't think I will ever have happiness again. I appreciate your kind words and thank you so much for trying to be encouraging. If you pray, please, pray for me.

((((phyllis)))) We are only human and have our limits. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs the world. You did the best you could at the time with what you had. I doubt there are many here who could not think of times they wished they could change. I know I can, yet, I am not sure that I could have done any better. You were probably burnt out. Please forgive yourself. You were there for your mother to the end. That is more than some can say.

I was sole caregiver for my mother for about a year and a half...During the last six months she couldn't do or say anything right in my eyes. I said things I can't ever take back, ignored her when I should have given her time, didn't touch her enough. She didn't understand because her mother died when she was four...I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

If you promised your parents no nursing home, I guess you have to stand by your statement. There are programs that bring professional medical staff into their home to take care of them. Several of these programs are free. The programs have a couple of medical personnel there twenty-four/ seven. They would take care of your parents at no cost.

Lordy Didgens... You've been through so much!... You're plan of getting help (now!) sounds great... for your own health (sanity)!... No guilt needed here... Blessings...

I see the last post here was 7 months ago ,, and goes back for years. I read all of them, and it has brought me peace in knowing that YOU KNOW when the last straw is. Its different for each individual,, some people here took in their elderly family members and tended to them for years. I am not one of those (there's a reason that will come later). Some people cared for them from afar, some drove back and forth several days a week or daily. For each of us its a different journey down the same road, and none of anyone's decisions are wrong. Who we are determines how much we have to give and when we have become drained enough to say ,, ENOUGH. And its all ok. A year and a half ago my 89 year old mother died 11 days after her birthday leaving my 89 year old father alone after over 70 years of marriage. My brother and i were so worried for him we visited weekly took food etc. However in my case i was caring for my terminally ill husband. 3 days after christmas my husband died. I had lost my dog, my mother and my husband in 6 months. I was a wreck. I have 3 kids in college, a full time job, a mortgage and another vacation home. Taking food to my dads weekly was something i was ok doing. He was still driving himself to the store, cooking his own meals, doing laundry. We would have outings and go out to lunch, walk around the markets together and enjoyed each others company. However something has happened to him in the last 3 months and i have seen a rapid decline. He refuses to go to the doctor, doesnt take his meds, lives in nothing but pajamas,, and will overeat to the point that gives him diarreha and my brother refuses to clean his house at all, so its all left to me. Last week i threw out my back cleaning his house and that was it.. i was done. My dad constantly asks me for different things from the store even though i just went, the minute i take everything to him he'll ask for something different. I was done,, i called a senior care business and am meeting with them this afternoon about getting care into the home for him. . I dont feel guilty,, he is hesitant,, but i know in the long run this will make everyone happier. so theres my story. Lets hope this is the answer !

This article pretty help much about my guilt, when i'm scolding my step mother because i don't want to sell our treasured house with her price, and wants to sell with my price. She's got a sickness and need the money soon, i know that i want to help her, but if i help her that would make my mother who hardworking single parent to raised 3 children(including me), in opposite i want to help my mother as well so she would at least got a fair amount money to let us survive for a couple of month but that would mean i neglect my step mother sickness. I scold her on phone because i'm on working hour and kinda in stressed situation, that when she hung up the call and 30 minutes later she said sorry to me because make me angry and hope that i can focused again in work, she also said that she will working hard to findhalf of the to cure her sickness. After that call i can't concetrate anymore in my work and feel guilty for the next 6 hours, i don't know if i should feel guilty or not. I do thinking a way how to solve both problem with less damage.

This was very helpful to read! Lately I have been struggling to find balance and set boundaries with my grandma. I'm currently her primary caretaker. She is mostly independent, living alone and is fine with day-to-day things. My step-dad helps her with maintenance on the house and her friends will bring her out shopping.
I've been going with to her appointments for the better part of a year now. This gets to be a lot with working full time and trying to take care of my own basic needs. I live over an hour away so her appointments end up being an all day affair. I started going to her appointments when she was unable to explain what the Dr had to say. Last fall she started getting angry with the nurses when they would call her. That’s when they started to call me instead. I also talk with my grandma on the phone nearly everyday... which gets frustrating very quickly. I end up explaining the same things to her over and over again and feel interrogated when I don’t answer her calls.
I’ve been neglecting my own needs for quite some time now and tried explaining that I need to take care of myself better and it caused a huge fight between us! She was under the impression that my needing time for myself and to take better care of myself meant that I was never going to be there for her again. Yikes!
Things have settled down and I am learning about appropriate boundaries and balance, learning that its ok to say no and trying to think more before I speak to my grandma to avoid hurting her. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I’m getting angry with her for things that she can’t help, which isn’t fair to her. But when I’m not taking care of my own needs, that’s when I get frustrated and hurt her. Learning balance. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there!

This may sound so very simple, but I am feeling guilty as my Dad had called and he needed help in replacing a light bulb over their dining table which they use daily as it had burned out.... ok, if it was a regular easy to reach item I would be down to their home in a flash...

But this is a hanging light from a cathedral ceiling, thus a tall ladder, a light which has a heavy globe where you have to reach to the top of the globe to take out the small screws all while standing near the top step of a ladder. Dad said he tried to take off the globe but he couldn't reach the screws...

At my age [pushing 70] I have a fear of going on a ladder more than the first step as I need to hang onto the ladder for balance... then looking up tends to make me feel dizzy [called top shelf vertigo]... my sig other has that same problem with looking up. I had to tell Dad I couldn't help him... if I was 10 years younger, I could do it.

Dad grumbled about he would have to pay $100 to have the electrician come out to change the light bulb. The electrician is a super nice guy, doubt he would charge $100 to do that. Made me feel that if I got the bulb changed but fell backwards off the ladder that would be ok, because that bulb was changed and it save Dad $$$ from calling an electrician :P

this article spoke right to me. i am 41 and my partner is dying at 45. its hard when she keeps me on my toes 24/7. i feel quilty when i take 2 hours a week to do stuff for me. for instance go to my counseling. but i know i need someone to talk to to.

Article was good, but just a reminder, your mom can't remember. That's why she keeps calling, so if you want to reminder that she just called, you'll get frustrated because she won't remember that you told her. I found that with my mom, no matter how frustrated I got, I was the one that would have to change myself. I told myself that she can't help it, and just tried to pretend and go along with it (annoying, yes, frustrating, yes); the more I just kept talking to her in her world it was better than trying to make her exist in my world. Trust me when I say that it was not an easy time, but to keep my sanity, take care of my family, deal with my own health issues, it was much easier on me, and she was not as agitated. I sometimes, just wanted to shake her and make her be my mom again, but knew that would not happen. God bless you and your mom for all that you're going through. Been there.

I can relate to all the comments submitted! Does anyone know of a local support group for care givers? I'm in Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN area.

Oh, wantingtime,

I am so sorry.

But, I have to tell you, you made the best decision you could based on the information you had. These are all very tough calls, and when elders have so many appointments, it is only logical to "combine" them. I would have done the same thing.

Don't beat yourself up. Your mom would not want that. As you said, she is at peace now. So, you need to be at peace, too.

I am dealing with guilt after my mother passed in December. She fell in the bathroom the Sat before Thanksgiving and died two weeks and two days later. She asked repeatedly to go the doctor. I thought it was just the Alzheimer's and she had an appointment so I ignored it. She had fallen twice in the previous two weeks...and I DID think 'maybe she has a urinary tract infection'. and when we took her to the ER that morning, she DID have one.

the thing is...she DID have a doctor's appointment on the Tues BEFORE she broke her hip..and he didn't check her for a UI. I should have made a point to make SURE he did. I just assumed that the blood work would show it.

so yeah, I think it is partly my fault she's dead.

and it is a kindness that she isn't going to live for years and years with Alz, she may have had more time. And I am tormented that I failed to help her.

Hi Vickianne,

Yes, it is. For everyone. don't feel so bad. Many, most people react the same way. There are people who handle this well and are filed with caring, concern, and courage--I have notice, however, that they are all on the Hallmark Channel. there are no rules, there is no normal. Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up.

Hugs!

glad I came across this....I have been struggling with guilt about my mom who is now in a memory unit with dementia. I have always had an interesting/enmeshed relationship with her that placed me, as her oldest child, as her right hand man so to speak. She has never been an easy person to live with, and I grew to feel the most sane in a caregiving role with her. Now that hospice has been called in, there is nothing more for me to do but just BE with her...which I don't know how to do! I have all kinds of anxiety when I go to see her, and I feel guilty that I do not spend more time with her. I used to call her once a day, but now she has a very hard time with remembering her words and talking gets her frustrated. I feel like such a coward that I do not go to see her very often. The same thing happened with my father, who passed from Alzheimer's 9 years ago. I am angry that I am watching my remaining parent fade away again, and afraid of the grief that seeing her brings up. I want to be able to go see her and not break down. This is such a challenging journey-an emotional rollercoaster.

Having been a caregiver for both of my parents, one when I was 20 years old and in college and one as a 56-59 year old with a full time job, I have no guilt. In each case, I put their needs before mine. I did manage to balance caregiving and a full load of college credits, graduating only 6 months behind my original finish date and I continued to work when caring for the parent when I was in my mid to late 50's.

You have to analyze what are your realistic options in providing care. Are they the elder parent happy with the arrangement (both of mine were happy)? Then just accept that it is normal aging or in the earlier case a terminal illness and you make their time as good as possible.

If you are doing your level best, that is all you can do. Why the guilt?

I found accepting that I was losing my mother (at age 52) when I was 20 very difficult. While my father and I provided excellent care for her during the year of her illness, I knew what was coming. At 20 death of a parent is something that seems so unfair, that I carried anger/resentment for at least 5 years. Why her? Why so young? etc. But eventually with a lot of prayer and reflection I began to recall and cherish the time (20 years) that we had not the decades we were denied. What astonished me was that went the death of my father came at 93 it would be so difficult to accept. It is a good life and he had a good long life. But the profound sense of loss (because we grew together over the almost 40 years since my mother's death). But as earlier, about 9 months after his death, I began recalling him as the healthy happy father I had and not the elder with lots of small health issues for me to attend to. That shift has made the readjustment easier. How can you resent the death of a parent who made it to 93 years old when most people and none of his siblings lived past 86.

In the end it is all about acceptance and counting your blessings if you had two great parents who loved each other and loved you. It seems ungrateful to not
accept your lot.

Caregiver's Bill of Rights:
aplaceformom/blog/caregiver-bill-of-rights/

thanks for reminding us we are still good caregivers even if we are not perfect

Does anyone have any other information for lou???
Perhaps an 'ombudsman' may help..
State of Virginia:
http://www.dpor.virginia.gov/Contact/Telephone-Email-Directory/

Its happen everyday.I spoke with charge nurse she said the cna are the ones yo do that.

lou... I believe I'd contact the top level (as high as you can go). Ask them who the supervisor is... I'm not familiar with the law on this subject. How many times is this occurring?...

We live in virginia my moms in a nursing home what are the laws about taking someone to the bathroom.I have talked with them and they just keep saying we are busy she cant wait.

Just a great "hit home" article. Thanks for sharing of yourself. It helps more than you know. God bless.