There was just a report on the news that one out of every four caregivers experiences a mental breakdown with in one year and one in every three attempt to commit suicide.

These are the things folks say to me that I have gone to for advice that infuriates me: that is just the way she is, that is why we love her so much ( oh yeah get your butt in here and try to take care of her and see how fast you change your opinion )

She is just old and set in her way ( from my experience they have been like that all of their lives ).
Well they took care of you when you were young ( I got news for you, we worked on a farm from sunup to sundown in the spring, summer and fall ).
Enjoy them now because they will not be with you forever ( like living with daily abuse is such a treat I will miss when she is gone ).
Yes we need counseling but from those who have walked the road we are traveling down now.

Caregiver Support Group helped me a lot; people who had similar experiences with their loved ones gave me pointers to try and/or adopt. Gave me insight of what to expect, when, and how. Helped me how to communicate with my husband to do daily activities. Helped me to know WHEN it was time for assisted living or nursing home. This help made it easy to carry on as caregiver, how to take of myself, and what to expect of him. When he was no longer able to be alone for the 1 hour meeting, I grouped my meeting with lunch with another caregiver, and hired home health caregiver to stay with my husband for 4 hours. Meant a lot to me to know I could leave the house and he would be okay. My husband barely knew I was gone, as he totally slept most of the day and the caregiver was there if needed.

is this still current in 2020??

Is it common for patients to deny they have dementia, in spite of evidence to the contrary? How do Caregivers handle the denial by the loved one with dementia, as well as other family members? I get it, no one wants this to be the reality for them self or their loved one. Pretending does not make it go away. I was long distance caregiver for 2 years. Then I moved my parents to a local Senior apt. My dad died 5 months later from dementia. Prior to that, my mom gave up her car keys, with the help of healthcare professionals. 2 months after Dad died, our home became Mom’s home. That was 1 year ago. Mom is able to do some of her ADLs with supervision. Some days she functions better than others. She loads and unloads the dishwasher, with supervision, and I put away the dishes she is unable to put back in the cupboards. Some days are better than others. I oversee her medications, make appts, manage finances, shop, cook, bring meals, set out her clothes when needed, and handle all aspects of Mom’s life. Some days are better than others is routine. She keeps many calendars, a few the larger type that would usually be hung on a wall, and a couple of smaller day planners, on the TV tray by her spot on the couch. On occasion, I have read the contents of Mom’s calendars. They are info charts containing things like the names of her children, our spouses, the name, date of death, and cause of death of our sister and father. There are news events, and things she believes are news events. The lines of reality have become obscured for Mom. Still, some days are better than others. She puts on a halfway convincing act, but if you know what to look for it is there. The telling flat effect mask worn by patients with dementia. She does laugh and smile at times. Some days are better than others. She has forgotten crucial information regarding her life, health, and has problems with vision and balance, though some days are better than others. With all of that, Mom gets a pass on navigating the river of denial. I see her fear, sometimes terror, masked with anger, paranoia, and tears. Even a small bit of junk mail can send her into a bout of panic, even if it isn’t hers. Facts do not matter to the patient with dementia, I get that. It still worries me when she meets a new doctor and begins to provide her version of her current abilities and state of health. I am better at letting her speak first, then add to what she has shared, with the doctor. Recently, my daughter took Mom to an appt. with her somewhat newer primary care doctor. The appt was well underway by the time I could make it back to her room, as I was meeting them there after work. My daughter reports Mom struggled to answer the doctor’s questions, to my relief. Maybe now, she will accept the fact that GMa has dementia. If we don’t know what is wrong, it cannot be managed. When Mom’s sister came to visit recently, who hasn’t seen Mom in over a year due to her own health and family issues, I wonder If she still believes Mom is still cognitively intact. My own brother who hasn’t seen Mom in over a year, still denies the reality of how advanced Mom’s dementia is. Is it easier for some to believe their loved one is being intentionally irrational, or seeking attention? Or, that losing major parts of one’s life story is normal aging? As caregiver, I face the reality often. My husband and daughter are slowly coming around, even though they are living with it.
Still, it is hard to have Mom’s progression denied, dismissed, and minimized. Spend a month walking in the shoes of caregiver to Mom. See the bad days and moments. Experience the sleep deprivation due to Mom Sundowning day after day after day.
Having to advocate is hard enough, along with all of the rest of the 24/7 challenges. The denial of those closest to me is isolating, anxiety producing, and it makes me angry. How does a care provider deal with denial of our siblings and even new health care providers?
At any rate, it is nice to have somewhere to give voice to some of the reality with others who understand. I do my best to educate when given the opportunity. We live in society that has a rude awakening right around the corner. As I aim to do the best I am able for Mom, I hope I will be able to pass on the lessons learned, through trial and error, tears of sorrow, and those of joy in those moments we are gifted with. May we be carried and lifted, as we honor our loved ones.

My husband is blind and his memory is getting bad. He has family here, they hardly ever call or stop by and it frustrates me and also breaks my heart. I am here 24/7 for him. He needs to take meds 3x a day, and needs help remembering to take it. I need a break I am so burnt out and want to visit my family who live out of town. I suggested asking his son come stay while I am gone and he says I don’t need anybody to babysit me. I am almost to the breaking point! We have neighbors who said they will help if I go.. Can anyone make any suggestions!

The most difficult thing,- Is when the person your CareGiving,...has ALWAYS had a cantankerous personality,....and they need the most attention, for no one else wants to help. AND, - if you are in any way income/financially ‘challenged’,...one really CANNOT easily, nor readily find adequate, accurate, QUALITY, experienced, Advisors & help,....for FREE, or ‘little’. I’m stranded. 101-year-old Dad has been “discharged” from several Fasilities, Medicals, Helpers, .... because of personality. I don’t have time, energy, nor money,...to get Advise, NOR help. 😕

I have been caring for my wife with dementia to severe dementia for three yrs myself and I taking a trip to see my family which I haven't seen in eighteen yrs her daughter is going to care for her cause I felt burnout coming that you for the advice.

Right, counseling, just another thing to stress over paying for! Hahahaha! Just to add to the burnout.

Lynn, you say your 65 yr old mom has lung disease and smokes 3 pks a day, that she permitted your abuse as a child, that she is mean and toxic today...I give you permission to walk away. No don't walk, run.

Deb, your mother would probably benefit from medication, having permanent anxiety is not a good way to live. She may also like a doll or teddy to love.

FF, glad you found someone, I hope they are a good fit and are helpful for you.

Today will be my first counseling session in a couple of years.... crashed and burned recently from seven years of being on call for my parents. My folks, who were in their 90's refused to move from their 3 story home, thus they had to deal with a lot of stairs, and both were fall risks. I didn't live with them, nor did they live with me. I was close enough to help. My heart would go into my mouth any time I saw their telephone number on my Caller ID.

My Mom also refused caregivers and even cleaning crews to help her out.... [sigh] and I was my parents wheels for their many appointments, shopping, etc. and eventually became afraid of driving.... hey, I was a senior citizen myself :(

My health took a downward turn from all the stress, and I am a bundle of nerves. It took me a while to find a therapist who would take Medicare... otherwise it would have been out of pocket. Yeah right, how many of us could pay $130-$150 a session each week :P

Anyone deal with having to teach a parent to self soothe? My mom has some dementia and I realized whenI'm with her she is never calm or at peace. She doesn't seem to operate in any mode but angry or anxious. A massage therapust suggested teaching her to use aromatherapy like lavender and euclyptus. Any ideas?

I cant afford counceling and cant find it free. I cant get medicaid either. Im about ready to leave. That will just ruin both of our lives. I will die from guilt. Plz plz anyone have any ideas where in the Houston Texas Area to get free counseling?

Yes, it is absolutely right, after all caregivers are human being, they need support in these areas.

Mossbank,
I truly understand how you feel! I have felt that way many times in my life
and that is what leads to severe depression due to burn out and unappreciated. I have been working as a caregiver for so many years and I also looked after my
father in my home for two months after he came out of the hospital.....I could only
Do that for two months because his needs were overwhelming so I arranged for him to go into a nursing home. I went from working FT as a CNA in a LTC facility to PT to care for him to moving all of his stuff out of his apartment to then moving all of my home and started a new job as another caregiver..... all of this happened in the past six months. I am so burnt out from the stress and now I have move all my stuff again into a new place while working FT every day without a day off doing the same exact demanding caregiving.

I am back to square one. No wonder I am so burnt out!

this article gave me some hope . I am an exploited caregiver working 24/7 with room /board I earn 125 for a 7 day week...all paid under the table. I know I have rights. I am bullied by the family...and have no capital to just leave, nor enough to earn my way out........the family scares me...

I AM 60 AND MY MOM IS 82. SHE MOVED IN WITH ME IN 1994 AND HAS NEVER LEFT. SHE DEPENDS ON ME FOR EVERYTHING AND I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE OR WHAT MY NEEDS ARE. SHE LOVES TO FIGHT AND MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY OVER EVERYTHING. THE OTHER DAY WE WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND THEN THAT NIGHT SHE DEMANDED I GO TO THE STORE TO GET FOOD. SO I WENT AT MIDNIGHT TO GET FOOD BECAUSE SHE WOKE ME UP YELLING AT ME AND THEN THE NEXT DAY SHE3 COMPLAINED BECAUSE THERE WAS TOO MUCH FOOD IN THE HOUSE. NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT.

Thank you 195 I will for sure and yes I've spoken to my doctor and told him everything. I'm hoping he will tell my husband because he doesn't seem to be able to hear from anyone else. He's in major denial when it comes to his mother . I love him dearly but your right about rescuing myself. I am actually looking forward to my surgery.

Bs I am so sorry for what you are going through-I am sure things will change when someone else has to take over I hope you can go into rehab for a few weeks to get your strength back and hope you can say to your husband no more-a counsular once told me I was waiting for someone to rescue because I was caring for my ill husband who was also abusive verbably to me and that I had to rescue myself -so I did -decided to place then everyone came to my rescue. Have you doc tell your husband that you can no longer be a slave to his mother-she needs to be placed-she can go on medicaide-I would tell him it can be done will you are recovering-he may not like it but would e like you leaving him-keep us posted we learn from each other.

I've been taking care of my MIL for almost 4 yrs. she's a total maximum assist with late stages of dementia, she's in perfect health other than this disease she's come back to life at least 3 times from the hospital in the last 3 months lol. Since I've been her caregiver I've gotten numerous health problems switch some being serious. Having to work being a caregiver in extreme pain is the worse not to mention being angry and resentful it's gotten so bad that when I do get out I get anxiety attacks and feel like I have to rush back because in my head she's not being taken care of. It's only been my husband and I with me being her main caregiver until my husband gets home from work and technically I'm disabled and have been since 2008. But somehow got pulled into being her caregiver because her own daughters do not care. But from wear and tear and constant use I've had and developed severe arthritis (I'm 53). And I'm finally going to get a much need break and rest, in two weeks I will be having hip replacement surgery. We are suppose to be getting a caregiver thru social services one that my husband should have pushed to get a long time ago. What I do not want to do is after my recovery to return to caregiving again. I'm so burnt out I'm to the point of exhaustion. My husband doesn't understand how bad it is with me because I continue to do the job without complaint so I'm hoping and praying he will find out now after my surgery exactly what it takes to care for his mother on a 24 hr basis. You all have kept me somewhat sane since I've found this website. Thanks for being her and your support. God bless you all!

My personal opinion of the division on aging, alzthema association, respite, and so many other office that supposely help the elderly should be closed so that the fund being paid to these people could be use in really helping those who work and have difficulty. It just like social service, they help the people who didn't work, nor care for their children, play cards, drank beer, and those who were in and out of jail, they have benefits.

There are so many website for information that don't really help in anyway. I have call everywhere and each place I call give me a number to call and they simpatize with me, but when I call to get help I get no where. The government has so many people working in so many places offering assistance, and spending money for service that don't even exist.

B ask you primary doctor to tell your husband how unhealthy it is for you to continue caring for her alone then take a stand and ask for al least two days off a week -if that does not work you need to think about the situation and do what you need to do-my lawyer told my son 60% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for-before that happens to you take action.

I don't have the support of my husband nor his family and I'm the one taking care of there mother! I don't know what to do anymore. My health and well being are seriously declining. I have to Ask for help for there own mother! I'm seriously thinking of leaving my husband. He's in total denial with regards to his mother she has vascular dementia. There's always an excuse with him. He just doesn't get this is slowly destroying me physically and mentally and not to mention I'm neglecting my own family.

@TILDA I had no idea that the ACA would cover costs for caregiver's therapy. Thank you for mentioning it because I'm definitely going to look this up.

I'm at the point in my caregiving where I think that therapy is necessary. My 59 year old mother has battled with cancer for the past three years, it's now to the point where nothing can be done and it's totally changed her personality. She's very abusive towards me and it's incredibly hard to deal with. I'm only 29; I never imagined I would be facing this so young. I come from a family of caregivers as well, my mom's mother cared for her parents and my mom cared for hers. I wouldn't want anyone else taking care of her but wow if it's not the hardest thing in the world sometimes. I'm really glad I found this site though.

I agree that it is difficult venting to family and friends. They get tired of hearing about it. I've often thought a local support group of caregivers would be great. But, who has the time?

My mom has cancer and I got free therapy for over a year from the American Cancer Association. Perhaps you can contact the local Department for Aging to see if they have either support groups for caregivers, or if they can help you find free or sliding scale therapy from a social worker instead of a psychotherapist. Bottom line you just need a support system and a network of professionals who can help guide you in the layers that unfold as your parent ages and your needs escalate. Good luck to you...I see a behaviorist who helps me keep focused on my needs and my goals...It is too easy to slip into being invisible when one is caring for a parent .

I've been here for a little over a year and have encouraged one after another to get counseling from someone really trained to do it. I have also spent several years on a support site for people with a relative who has a personality disorder. Over and over again, I heard the plea for us not to look at support as being the same as face to face therapy. Sometimes, the stories we read can actually make our depression worse or we can avoid dealing with our own stuff by getting all enmeshed in someone else's. I've experienced both of these in that support group and here.

Today, we have a new Federal Law stating insurance companies are required to give parity when it comes to needing therapy like needing any other medical procedure. Some of the questions that I read on how do I overcome the feeling of ___ in order to go to counseling. Well, you go to counseling to overcome that feeling of ____ which is probably related to the core issue anyhow.

When I was Primary Caregiver for my MIL (mother-in-law), who has Alzheimer's with side effects of Parkinson's Disease, I kept a daily journal of everything that I saw & my interactions with her. It kept me somewhat sane. I also stumbled upon this site & have stuck with it ever since. Even after her having to go to the NH (nursing home), I still come to this site. Not as much, but it helps. It HELPED tremendously while she was here at the house. I 'vented' sometimes also. Alzheimer's is a HORRID disease. I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy. Everyone, remember to wear (deep, but any shade will do) purple on Tuesday, September 21, 2010 as it is World Alzheimer's Day (to show your awareness).

I have gotten quite depressed lately, and feel that I cannot talk to anyone I know about things. I would like to straighten out my financials, not to mention the long lonely hours of caregiving, and the anger, and the weight gain, and the whole spiral that is taking place. I'm 57, taking care of my Mom, but I have two sons who also rely on me even though they are in thier 20's. I thought that at this age I would be able to slow down a little and have time to do things with friends, etc.All I do is Caregive, and wait on my Mother hand and foot.! I don't have the heart to stick her in a nursing home. Maybe "venting" here will help!

Tina,
You can talk your heart out here. All the threads on this site are full of loving compassionate folks that are hear for each other.
You can learn much and see other folks perspectives to help you deal with being a caregiver.
You may also be able to find a local group that meets to get support. There are many avenues to find help (church, social services). If there is no group you could start one. That may turn out to be a big job but could be worth it.