My mother (81) moved into my house in 2015. First of all, I had my house set up but she moved in almost all of her furniture saying hers was better, rearranged everything and wants to be in controll of all decisions. When my 3 yr old grandson comes over, she wants him to sleep with her saying she’s better at handling him, which she’s not. We bought a Old English Bulldogge, and she feels she should be in control and Will not support or respect my rules for Izzy, or about the heat pump, cooking, or anything. According to her she is better at everything. She will try to tell me go ahead and take your bath...I said mom I’m 58 not 8. I’ve tried sitting her down to let her know to stop being so controlling and chill out. She never admits any wrongdoing and never apologizes for anything she says or does. I’m her chauffeur, and she complains constantly about my driving to the point I’m going to pull over and you can drive if you don’t stop!!!!! - I drive her anywhere she wants to go, and take her to doctor appointments to make sure she tells him all necessary info, and clean the house every 2 days. I have an older sister who likes to take all the credit but actually never visits or pick her up and take her to her home, Her sons are her favorites, and wil constantly put down my kids and I’ve had enough. HELP ME!! Or I’ll pull my hair out.

All of the posts so far are marked 5 years ago......
I relate to each one of them. I relate to DT the most..... But fortunately I grew up with friends that had "really loving parents" so I saw the difference. I have always put space between me and my parents.....which has cost me being disinherited from both parents.....I loved both of them but not to the extent of being in constant turmoil through rejection; she was never happy with me and found fault with me constantly....
She is here in FL 8 months out of the year, I love her, she has mellowed tremendously, and she hasn't drank for 20 years!(she used to get totally bombed every 3rd day all of my life until she was 72,I was 47.
I fell on my knees and cried out to God when she gave most of the family properties to my sibling and nothing to me .....either I was going to learn to overcome this huge rejection and forgive her and my siblings for allowing her to do this or I would loose my whole family thru no fault of my own and whom I deeply loved.....SO, MY ADVICE, MY PERSPECTIVE IS LOVE YOUR PARENT ...DO WHAT YOU FEEL GOOD DOING...BUT DRAW THE LINE...BE TRUE TO YOURSELF....YOU DESERVE. YOUR. OWN. TIME, PEACE, HAPPINESS, AND. SELF. RESPECT...MY MOTHER IS 94 and healthy, happy, and has my younger sister living with her, taking care of all of mothers needs...she has always been tied to mothers apron strings. Mother is difficult, my sister, who is 62, has learned to get out of the house and stay gone doing things with her friends everyday coming back after a full day around 4-6, then cooks, plays cards with us, watches tv with her the rest of the evening .....(her husband lives next door)

Well after several doctors said DEMENTIA ALZIGHMERS it was merely A Bladder infection. !!!!!!miss diognosed many more times than you can imagine. Antibiotics... Mental state back on track!!!!!!! Read about UTI"s in elderly. Gesh

I am going through this exact scenario right now and reading your advice is a tremendous HELP!!!!!!!

how can i come to be a caregiver for my mother she lives with

I believe parents will always think of their offspring as *children* no matter how old we are. My parents [in their 90's] are in denial that I am a senior citizen myself, no matter how often I will talk to them about Medicare and wave my AARP card :P

My parents still expect me to do things like I am still 35 years old instead of pushing 70. Nope, sorry, I can't shimmy myself up into the attic opening to bring down boxes of books... good grief, what were they thinking?

And they still believe that I am that young adult who loves to drive, run the highways, be the main driver on trips. At my age now I am scared silly to get on the highways, I am lucky I get to my office which is only 5 minutes away. I start hyperventilating the day before I need to drive my parents somewhere. I tried to explain that to my parents, but their reply would be "but who will drive us?"..... [sigh].

Hello my dear friend. My mom is 86 and dad no more. I take care of mom an now she is just not ale to coop up. She has fallen twice in the bathroom. How to help my sweet mom. Can somebody sugges ways. There is nobody to help me. Please advice.

my dad is 83 yrs old. He lives with my sister. He has always been mean and hateful. My sister thought he would change since she was the only one of us who wanted to take care of him. He was recently told he has dementia. He also has falling issues. He chews tobacco and gets it everywhere and all over him. He misses the toilet and gets poop everywhere. He throws washcloths in the commode, and has knocked the commode loose several times. He cusses my sister and disrespects her all the time. Every time I help out I leave in tears cause he is so mean and hateful. She has bent over backwards trying to take care of him and get all he help he needs. The problem is when someone ( social worker, therapist, nurse, ) he cusses them, says he does not want their F----- help and to leave him alone. He says he wants to go live on the street, Says he is 83 and nobody was going to tell him what to do. This is not an issue of him treating us like we were kids. This is an issue of a man who has always been mean and hateful and has gotten out of hand. NOBODY can do anything. My sister is stuck with him. He refuses to go into a place where he can be taken care of. NOBODY and I do mean nobody wants to put up with him. I think in a case like this a parent should be forced into a place so they can be taken care of. He is not able to take care of himself and is making all of our lives miserable. Do you have any good advice for our family

if any problem send your photo I will try to send positive healing for any physical mental emotional prob

cmagnum - you discribed my mom perfectly - but, if you remember I once said Both of my parents were narcissic each in their own way - it is a wonder they even got down off their own self-made pedestals to even get married (I think sex had a lot to do with it, at least on my dad's side. Still a forbidden thing in rural Illinois 1934). In my case, mom did not want me to grow up as it gave her some purpose in life, dad did not care one way or another, he was just satisfied with himself. Thanks mizipinki - it is a cycle, - my grandma (Mom's mom) behaved in exactly the same way, and one of dad's problem is that his mother spoiled him so badly the same way that he was ruined for any other relationship! Interesting how that happens. Cmagnum - I thought I had protected myself but as it turns out I just did not realize the extent of it until I moved back here and got my foot stuck in the mud. Very deep mud.

Just because a parent wants to infantilized you does not mean that you have to view yourself according to how they treat you. Some do this out of dementia. Others do this out of a mental illness like narcissism or borderline personality disorder. There are numerous books about this type of toxic parent which when it comes to letting go of the umbilical cord, it is usually the mom. These types of mothers also have the hardest time with the empty nest for they never wanted there children to grow up and leave home in order to become responsible adults making their own contribution to society. They also often don't have very good marriages because they are overly emotionally invested in their children or in one particular child. You can't change someone who does not want to change but wants to keep treating you like a child. However, that does not mean that you just have to take it either. You can set up some boundaries with some concrete consequences for your own protection despite them changing or not. If you just take it, then you end up enabling their sick behavior.

DT, you bring up a very good point and one that we pass on every generation until we recognize it and break the cycle. Thanks for the different outlook.

Speaking from a male viewpoint, I know I am going to get into trouble with this comment from all you mothers out there, but some women have a difficult time cutting the cord from their child as an adult and cannot stop interfering with their children's lives. As soon as gave up my pleasant life in CA and come back here to look after her, when I walked in the door I was immediately 12 years old again, without even the consideration given a teenager with a driver's licence. I have seen ahd heard women say often or refer to their sons as "My little boy" or My baby", and when pointed out that that is patronizing (I guess Matronizing is more accurate) they aways fall back on that old "Part of my body" excuse instead of recognizing that we are now individuals and deserve to be treated that way. The response is that "you will always be a baby to me." Barf. Totally unfair and manipulative. It is also wrapped up, in my family at least, that at the same time we children were looked upon more as possessions, like indentured servants, to be ordered around - my mom would talk about us when we were in the same room as if we were either deaf or not really there at all, no consideration for our feelings. That is the result of being narcissisic, and when a person is narcissisic, there is no reasoning that will make them see any different. In Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park", one of the characters said something like "I am selfish, and selfishness must always be forgiven, as there is no cure." Jane Austen had one of the sharpest insights as to human behavior as any author ever has, that is why she was so good. By the way, I did point out on another thread that I am a confirmed old curmudgen and likely to remain so, as there is no cure.

I wanted to ask if anyone else, who is living with the elderly parent, as an adult has had any dreams connected to their childhood, i.e. - childhood friends, childhood home, if not in the same home growing up, etc. I never dream about the past and those days, but it is almost like I'm haunted by dreams of yore, which prevent me from feeling like I've moved on and grown up.

I forgot to add that my brother was adopted at birth - two years older. He doesn't deal with her very much, except to do the occasional errands/chores for her and has lunch with her every week. I am hoping to take a position in another state, because I need to earn money and being in another state might help the situation, since my mom is quite capable, except for the drinking nightly. It has to be affecting her body and her emotions but I honestly don't know how to cope with that because it was never developed in our family - drinking was the coping mechanism - I'm not against the occasional drink or so and have often felt driven to want to do it myself just to cope with this and I did not drink for several years due to my upbringing. My mom is involved with her church, a woman's organization apart from her church and Kiwanis and has always been very active in it, but when it gets too much for her, she calls on me to help her with these activities, which are volunteer for her but I didn't volunteer - I get roped into it and it becomes unvoluntary - even thought I say 'no.' I don't want to come across as cold or indifferent towards her but there's no sense of understanding that it's her choice and she often gives me the sense of having no choice without repercussions of guilt-trips, etc. We've talked through this, to some degree, and I believe she's beginning to understand, because I can use the example of what I felt when my dad would be that way towards me. I think she gets it somewhat. Thanks for this place to discuss, vent, sympathize, relate, identify & find compassion.

I can relate to 'sheep' regarding a mom who drinks every night. It used to be wine, then brandy and now it is whiskey. I leave her alone when she drinks because it gets combative and I feel as thought I've fallen into a trap during certain conversations, which happened my entire life. Like being set-up and provoked to where I would feel hurt or angry and respond and then my dad would rescue the situation in such a way that I always ended up feeling bad about myself. He drank, too and died two years ago, this November. He was 81 and now my mom is 81. My mom has always been controlling and is an only child. My brother and his wife live about ¼ of a mile from us. I’m living in her home as she broke her wrist about six months after my dad died. I haven’t been able to work and actually filed bankruptcy a year ago. I have become somewhat of an emotional wreck and often feel hopeless and stuck. I have no husband to bounce all of this off of and a lot of my friends do not understand and think that my venting is unloving towards my mom. I love my mom but do not know how to live with her.

About mothers trying to control grown children's lives - I am 68, my 94 year old mother lives with me - she has congestive heart failure, only one good functioning kidney and bone marrow that does not do it's part to manufacture new hemoglobin and she needs fresh blood about every 3 weeks. She is at best very weak and when she needs blood is still weaker. She still treats me as if I were 12 years old. I have asked her doctor to examine her for early stage dimentia, his opinion is that she is 'just bored'. Reason - mom identified herself with the house and housekeeping all of her life to the point of OCD sometimes. I cannot stress the point strongly enough that she simply is not interested in anything else. I have tried to get her interested in other things, but unsuccessfully. She even says she can't do sewing and crocheting anymore because of the arthritus in her fingers, and she can only do so many crosswords before she loses interest, not much interested in TV. Nursing home may be on the horizon but she gets very agitated if the subject comes up - she loves her home and because of my father, nursing home means the same thing as death to her - she also behaves very poorly (insultingly) to the nurses and aids when she has to go to the hospital for anything - terrible patient. She always did try to keep a tight rein on me as a child and a teen, now that she cannot keep house anymore I am her main focus. I lived in CA for 30 years and functioned as an adult quite well, but as soon as I returned here to look after her I was immediately 12 years old again. I can only fight it by holding my own ground and tell her nearly every day that something I am doing, or reading, or going out for is none of her business, in those words (once she tried to grab a paper bag out of my hand that contained her Christmas present). I take good care of her, she says so, and everyone who knows us and the people at her doctor's and the hospital know it, but they do not understand what a daily struggle it is. It has turned into a 24/7 job - I have not had a vacation for 7 years (no, there is no one else to get for help and I cannot afford a daily nurse). Imagine taking care of Joan Crawford, Queen Elizabeth, and Bette Davis all rolled into a person who comes across (or tries to come across) to everyone else as Betty White or Donna Reed. I wish I could have a better answer but all I can say is fight the battle every day, don't give in, live as much of your life as you can in between. It ain't over until it's over.

I am just beginning to have to deal with my mom. She is not acting like anyone I know.I obviously need to read alot and need to find out how to help her and get her into assisted living or senior housing.I think I'm gonna have a lot to do!

Durable and Medical POA give one a lot of power. Have you two read the document carefully? If you have more detailed questions, I'm sure the lawyer who drew the document up would be glad to answer your questions. Were these POAs to be effective immediately or only when a doctor determines she is no longer able to conduct her business in a business like manner. When did your mother last see her doctor for an evaluation. The blood pressure phrase is emotional blackmail and both you as well as your brother do not help your mother or fulfill the duties of being her POA by bowing down to her emotional blackmail of fear which makes you feel obligated to give in and guilty if you don't. Your mother might not want to admit this or possibly can't grasp this, but she needs her grown daughter and her grown son to be her adult children instead of little kids once again. Would the lawyer who wrote this POA up have any influence on her accepting that want you want to do is something she has already given you permission and authority to do which she must of understood back when she signed it. So, all in all, take you the authority given you and your brother to function as your mother's POA and get her finances under control. As durable POA, you need to know her entire financial situation which also includes her will, various deeds, and any extra insurance plans she might have. I wish you well.

I'm not sure if my mother, who is 89 has Alzheimer or Dementia or she is just a "control freak." She won't let me nor my siblings take over paying the bills. She often forget to pay them. Will not give us the check book and important mail. She has the habit of hiding everything and can't find it for days. The minute we ask her to give us the check book or bills, she says, " you are running my blood pressure up" - it always her blood pressure and they give up, but I don't, then she gets mad and say things like "I never thought my own child would treat me like this." What can I do? My brother and I have POA, but he afraid to exert himself, because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. How much Power does POA give one? Thank you. jean

I can only offer this to what has been said here, I hope it helps! Dementia is (in my mind) one of the worse deseases of all because it attacks the brain and the wiring goes haywire. I was caregiving my now 95 year old mother for the past 5 yrs and she began treating me like I was 3 yrs old. She had to have her own way about everything or she would go into a rage of anger directed toward me, and punish me be not talking to me or having anything to do with me. I could do nothing to please her no matter how hard I tried. It was heartbreaking! I am the eldest of 4 children and the oldest daughter...My mom is 95 now and we (the siblings) had to finally get her another caregiver. I am the only one that lives in the same state and town as my mother, yet we have no contact now. Mom refuses to talk to me and it hurts deeply, but I have finally gotten past this by removing myself from the equation and focusing on my own life and keeping my mind on other things. After going through a time of depression over all this with my Mother, I have realized that I am far better off to stay out of her affairs and let her do what she wants right or wrong. Her memory is so bad that I know she doesn't even remember why she is mad at me...it doesn't matter in the long run except that I will have to revisit this again when she dies. It makes me so sad. We could have had these last years of her life with some laughter and mother/duaghter love. When people with dementia reach the point where they become nasty, irrational, angry and out of control there is nothing much anyone can do but tollerate thier outbursts but it is extrememly difficult at best unless they are willing to let you help. My mother has refused to see a Dr about her dementia and though the Dr she does see is aware of her dementia, my mother refuses to take any kind of medication to help her. Now that's stubborn and irrational but it's the way it is. Sometimes we have to learn to let go, save ourselves and put it in God's hands. It's been hard to watch my mothers decline without being able to help her but I have had to walk away and say No More. that was the hardest thing I ever had to do! I am 75 and diabetic so I have to take care of myself. I've been through the guilt of feeling I am deserting my mother, but I feel I lost her 5 yrs ago, she is alive but not present anymore.I pray for her every day and ask God to be merciful. Bless all of you who are struggling with a parent with dementia and Alzheimer's.

To Queen Bee~
My mother has a similar problem which was diagnosed as Charles Bonnet Syndrome which is a vision problem. Look it up and see if the symptoms fit - unfortunately, there's not too much that could be done for it.

HI Everyone,
I am in a little bit different situation. I am only 26 and my mom is 48. She has health problems and i asked her to move in with me, However my dad is also living with us (they are married but seperated for 21 years) he is helping me financially because i am a single mom. My mother is always saying i dont do anything for her and fighting with me contantly. she said Its my fault that her medical is going to be taken away because i asked my dad to move there. I dont know what to do. I have a very stressful job and i am always walking on egg shells in my own home! all my intentions were was to help my mom but she thinks in her mind i am trying to brag about it. she is driving me crazy and emotionally draining me! i dont know how else to help i gave up my room for her. moved her down from 5 states i never ask her for a dime! am i the wrong one?

One thing I noticed with my mother is that she was hardest on me when she was depressed-she was losing control of her health and her body so she would try to control me so that she could feel she was in control of something. She thought that asserting herself over me would make her feel better. The worst part is, since she's your mother she knows you very well and knows exactly what buttons to push to really upset you. Set up that emotional shield and try to remember that she's going through a whole lot of physical and emotional changes as she gets older, and try not to take it personally. And after one of her controlling sessions, try to step away from her for a minute to decompress, then dive back in. Good luck.

I live with my 76 yr old father and it has been 7yrs sence I have been caring for him
It is about them keeping their independence. I understand it but it is hard because I am not little anymore, I am an adult that is now trying to keep my dad healthy and safe. It is a struggle and its not easy but I am glad to be here for him and he can still have his home, dignity, and above all love. I would not want anyone to care for me I just want to live my life and die.
But to know that family is here for you is a great thing.
I guess we all have to put ourselves in their place too if we get to be their age not to be left in some nursing home with people you don't know and can do anything too you. Having your mind and not your freedom is the worst.
So I say look into your heart ask God for peace in your own heart to show you that. And help you to communicate well with your mom or dad
Like I said its not easy but it does help you to have more peace and love in your own life
God bless all of you that care for a loved one. You all are special angels and God have good things for you.

I can't blame you for just wanting 'it' to stop. I'm wondering why you have to wait till she's out of her head before you move her into asst.living/foster care whatever? Sometimes I think the person would be happier, having other things to see and think about than just her 'little world' there with you. I know it seems like their world is getting smaller and smaller, and all they have to do is sit around and think of themselves now. I'd be depressed if all I had to do is sit and think about me. yech!! I'd like to sell my mother-in-law's house too, but the market stinks right now. So as long as that house sits empty, she whines how she wants to 'go home'. I wish she COULD go home, my gosh that would be wonderful, but it isn't going to happen. So until that house is no longer an option for her, we have to hear the same song every time we see her. I can't blame her, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. ha. I suspect your mother is thinking the same thing, that as long as that house is there, maybe she has the option of 'going home' again. It must be awful to lose control of everything eventually when you get old. From your bodily functions, to the decisions you used to make for yourself. I hope I remember that my son is NOT the enemy someday when he's telling me what to do, but instead he's my advocate and just looking out for me. From my lips, to Gods ears....

My Mom is 85 and has lived with me for over 2 yrs. I added on to my house so she has a large bedroom and bath off a large family room. I also have a grown daughter who isn't home much, and a grown son who is autistic. I work full time in a demanding job. Mom has parkinson and it's very difficult for her to walk, bath or do anything on her own. It's difficult for her to use the remote for the TV....I have to cut her meat. You get the picture. I'm fine with all this and can keep up with all the extra work.
What is really difficult is her severe depression, selfishness, wanting everything just her way and me to be home all the time, constantly telling me what to do every minute!! We have daily conversations about dying. "I wish God would take me...I won't be here long...etc." Then she starts crying. This is every morning at breakfast...I can't even have coffee in peace. She nags me to death and treats me like I'm an infant. She can't make any decisions and has me make them for her. Then complains. For example, her house has been sitting empty for 2 yrs because she can't make the decision to sell it. I don't push it with her because I don't want to make her upset. But then she complains because the house is empty and what if something happens to it. I strongly suggest she sell it, she can't make the decision and we go round and round. I'm so sick of talking about it (and paying the taxes, utilities and upkeep), I wish it would burn to the ground.
I feel guilty because I'm dreaming of the day she either dies or becomes so disoriented I can place her in a home and get on with my life.

You didn't say how old you are or what your living arrangement is (single? married? children in the house?). I, too, need harmony in my life. If your mother is unwilling to understand she is now living in your home, with your rules, etc., then I would seriously look at another living arrangement for her. If you have a spouse or children in the house, this is not a healthy environment to have constant friction between you and your mother. Too often elderly parents feel they are entitled to call all the shots and frankly, I would not tolerate it. I wish you the best of luck.

THANKS THAT WAS THE BEST SUGGESTION i'VE HAD! I WILL START TODAY! MARION H.

There is no logic with my mother-in-law any more. She's a nice person, kind, and very grateful though (thank you God). But I am going to stop arguing with her about her glasses, people stealing etc. My husband says it does no good cause she can no longer be logical when thinking, so what's the point? I DO know though, that she knows exactly who's buttons she can push (mine) and takes advantage of that. No one else argues with her, but she knows I will, so she brings up stuff she thinks I will respond too. Weird. Not in a mean way, just constant and frustrating. It is comical mostly, but sometimes I have to remind myself that she isn't in her 'right mind' anymore, and to let it go.
Point is, dementia changes how people act and react so you have to give up trying to get your 'old mom' back and deal with the 'new and weirder' mom. Sorry.