It's a matter of kindness. Try to let go of the feeling that this is "wrong" or even demeaning. I'm going to write another full article on "therapeutic fibbing" next month, but in the meantime, the fact that you understand that you have to enter his world because he is no longer able to enter yours is enough. His reality is his reality. Working with him will help relieve his anxiousness.

Take care and please keep coming back to this community of amazing people.
Carol

Thank you so very much! I just came home from my parents' home where my 79 year old father was "seeing" unauthorized men completing thousands of dollars of work in his yard. My mother had been arguing with him, bless her heart, that no one was out there. I just told him that we would figure it out tomorrow. He was ok with that. I felt wrong in a way, but after reading your article I feel better. His world is real to him. Just because we cannot share it, does not make it any less real to him. Thank you again!

Absolutely! My MIL would have me be careful not to sit on the "kids" - she had once been a teacher and she'd make room on the couch for them. That was disturbing but not so bad. But when a parent you love and respect accuses you of stealing or doing things behind their back, that really is awful to cope with. Unfortunately, that is very common.

Agingcare asked me to address this awhile back and I did in the article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

I'm aware that even the suggestion I made aren't going to feel helpful to many. Nothing can really take away the agony of what this paranoia can do to the caregiver.

Thanks for supporting each other! This is a fabulous community.
Carol

Thanks, Carol. My dad had dementia, too, but it was more along the lines of looking for his mother's phone number (she died in 1954; this was 1995). It's so hard to deal with paranoia ... If Mom would just say, "Do come in, dear, but please keep your voice low -- we don't want to wake the little green men in the attic," then that would be easier. It's the stuff like Schultz said that's so hard ....

Hi MIcheleBartlett,
You're right that the story illustrated how "getting into their head" is one way to deal with dementia. I wrote it to make that point. However, I don't want to leave the impression that it was all "Sweet."

Dad had times of paranoia and times when he said we were all lying. My mom was worse. She suffered from a different type of dementia and accused me of stealing, etc. The only reason I wanted to mention these things is that one story doesn't tell it all.

What you are going through is horrible - one of the worst things, if there is a worst. Those accusations used to literally make me fell ill. My heart is with you in this battle.

Take care,
Carol

What a sweet story! I'm so glad her dad wasn't someone who was calling the police every other day to say the neighbor was stealing his mail, tapping into his water, stealing his jewelry, trying to force him to move so the neighbor could buy his house and open a gay brothel, etc. Before a stroke forced her into an assisted living center close to Sis, we (distant caregivers) were afraid the police would get the state to assign a guardian to our elderly relative, even though we had POA. We tried validating her feelings: "That must be a scary feeling to think he's doing that to you" without agreeing that the neighbor actually was stealing her stuff (which we always found, at the next visit). Nothing helped. But at least now that she's close to Sis, she can find the "missing" things (that the ALF staff is "stealing") within ours instead of months, and that seems to have helped her anxiety some. This is not a fun ride, but I'm always happy to hear about people whose brain issues are so benign, and even sweet, as this gentleman's.

My problem is my grandmother thinks horrible things are happening to her, people breaking in and assaulting her, stealing her furniture....how can I possibly validate that?

Thank you for this. I have always wondered whether I was doing the right thing when I "went along" with Dad during my once or twice a week visits to the nursing home he was in.

That was a wonderful and refreshing view. My dad is in hospital at the moment and awaiting a nursing home.
He can't come ome as is delusional and violent at night.i was sitting with him the other day and walked over and kissed me on the shoulder.
It was wonderful to be with him for those special moments

You father's problem seems very tame compared with my mother's. She has lived with us since my father's death 23 years ago but the last 4 years have been particularly difficult. She believes the man next door wants to rape her and that he gets up on his roof to take photos of her in the nude. He also shines lights into her rooms.She sleeps with a golf club and min baseball bat. She almost stabbed my husband one night becasue she thought it was the man from next door coming to rape her. She is also accusing my adult son of stealing money from her. How do I cope with that? I can't just agree with her. And I do take it personally. I don't want to go home. Her behaviour is so unpredictable. I'm pleased you could help your dad by playing along - I think you are lucky that he has such an easy delusion

what a great story. my mother made exceptionally good grades in hs and was even the principals student secretary. she had enough credits to graduate but became pregnant, was marrying and gave it up because she didnt have adequate clothes to attend a prom. i just wrote to her old school and asked the super if he could consider sending mom a belated HS diploma, even if not stamped authentic, and a letter of apology. in return i promised not to drive up there and stick him thru a window. i aint very diplomatic but my heart is in the right place. this era of moms life is still a bitter memory as it was the one time in her life that she felt as adequate as the more privileged people. shes 81 now, failing with dementia and ive asked him to lose that slack joweled scowl and make with it.

My Mother (June) has Alzheimer & on Auguster 28,2004 me Mum pasway at 8:30 pm
But Me Mum wok for St. June Hospital and there was a lot of kids and people who love me Mum as she (June) help so much people out as they was sick

but I miss me Mum and all I know is that she is with the Lord now

God Bless
Thank you,

I really love this story. I've read it over and over, told it to people, and it's just wonderful.

Remembering to enter my mom's "reality" is so much easier than trying to bring her back to mine. And as long as her reality won't harm her, then no harm, no foul.

Sooo helpful to me, thank you so much for writing this.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I believe I will eventually be in your situation, but with my mother as the patient (currently in very early stages). When the time comes, I want to help her make the most of whatever her "reality" is. I have already found that I have to reign myself in sometimes, because I don't want to make her feel inadequate or point out her confusion. I just want her to be happy and well cared for, and learning from others' experiences is most helpful.

Irishdaughter, I assume they also tested your mom for a uti -- a urinary tract infection can also cause hallucinations.

Does she see things as well as hear things? One type of dementia that often starts out with hallucinations is Lewy Body Dementia. Did anyone mention that possibility to you?

I am glad she is going to the out-patient clinic and is getting continuous medical care. Have you discussed adjusting the dosage or the timing of the medications she takes?

Irishdaughter, it sounds like your mother is not living totally in her own world. She does understand that she is having hallucinations. She is cooperating with medical treatment and understands what it is for. Under those circumstances I think it is best to support her knowledge that the voices are not real. "Oh Mom, I am so sorry you are having this problem again. This is another darn hallucination, that the doctors told us about. I know it seems very real, but you are safe and this will pass." At least that is what I would try.

Perhaps with more effective medication dosages and other treatment Mom will be able to continue to live alone for a while. She may need some in-home care. And sooner or later she may need to be in a care center. (If this is dementia it almost always reaches a point where 24/7 monitoring is needed.) I don't mean to alarm you, and you need to take this one day at a time. But while Mom is still coherent now it would be a good time to establish POA and Medical Proxy and -- perhaps -- start talking about in-home care or care centers. Don't rush to have these talks tomorrow, but keep it in mind. Talk to the doctors about picking the right time.

If Mom is going to need financial assistance for what lies ahead, start looking into Medicaid.

Good luck to you!

carol i love your story. two weeks ago my 69 year young mother started having hallucinations and hearing music. She was terrified to stay at her home. She is a widow and leaves alone. I am a single mom of three with at trying full time job. I took her to the emergency room and they admitted her . All cat scans and mri and blood work came back normal. Maybe they said she was at the beginning of dementia. So they put her on risperdol and a sleeping pill at night. She is ok for a while but she was supposed to take it at night but then it wears off by lunch time. If she takes it in the morning then it wears off at night and the "voices" tell her they will kill her. She tells me she understands they are hallucinations but when they starte shouting in her ear it is hard not to believe them. She attends an out patient clinic half a day which she just started a few days ago. I dont know what to do. I don't have the resources for her to live with me. I don't know what to do and i was not sure whether to tell her that they are not real or say something different. Karen

My father is beginning with his senility. Well, it was longer but I didn't notice it until just recently. We have been arguing a lot lately and in frustration, I vented to oldest sis what happened and then I said: "I think he's getting senile!" She stared at me as if "Duh?" and then started laughing. That was when I understood that he was going senile and I could have done my best to ignore his accusations. I like this article and all the personal comments. It helps me to understand the different ways one can respond to the parent's off-the-wall comments.

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story! You are an inspiration. Kudos to you for being such a compassionate, loving daughter. I am in the caregiving business, and will most certainly keep your story in mind.

Thank You a hundred times over. I will read this many many times to remind me of what I need to do to help my mother validate her life. My Dad got very ill earlier this year and was hospitalized for almost two weeks. When the Doctors walked into the room, they always automatically addressed me, and this hurt my Mom. She has Alz. and dementia, so I took the lead in most of the decision making with his care. After a few days, Mom in an unusually gentle way said to me, I'm his wife, I should be making these decisions, they should be talking to me, not you about his care. (This was one of the most calm discussion we'd had in months) I hated to have to tell her that she could not make these decisions because she cannot remember what she does, and that all the children felt that I needed to be the one to stand out in front of the Doctors and ask the questions, running down the hall behind them if I had to. Anyway, your story has given me some ideas on how to better deal with my Mother. We are usually at odds with each other, and I need to be the one to do something to make it better. I do make it a point to compliment her when I see something she has done well, or done on her own without being reminded. So, it may not be diplomas on the wall, but I'll think of something to try to make her feel better about herself, and in the process, make our home easier to live in. (I live with my parents and will continue to until they die in this house.)

Great story and I can relate to it. Sometimes we forget their "reality" is real. Thanks for sharing.

I have read this before in a article some months ago....and reading it again makes so much sense to me espcially with my mom living with us. She makes things up all the time to suit her situation. Some I can laugh at some I can't she has always been a controling person and not normal. It is much worse now and the sad thing is she can control nothing now not even her tongue. It is worse than ever. I am in the process of trying to become her guardian she refuses to do a POA and management trust. Am waiting on paperwork back from the Doctor to take to the Attorney. I hate doing this but I have to protect her and ourselves. Yesterday when I got home she was barely able to get out of the chair she was in told me her right shoulder blade area had been hurting all day. I asked her this am if it was better yes only hurts if I move it......some times their logic is so off. Found her walking around the bathroom yesterday morning with her pajamas and pants down around her ankles (mind you she can bareyly walk anyway) getting a pad out of a drawer to use. When I questioned why she did not have some on the back of the toliet I get told well I do now thank you....you just have to remind them what is dangerous etc and hope they will remember....you can't cover every base. I applauded you going along with their stories because like you said to them it is real. Good luck and prayers for all

helpmom, hugs to you. What a difficult situation!
You doubt that she fell. What do you think happened?

When my husband fell from a ladder onto his head, he was very paranoid in the hospital, believed there was a conspiracy against him, etc. He recovered. Ten years later he developed dementia and again we dealt with paranoia and anger.

Several things can cause the behavior disturbances you see in your mother. Now that she is hospitalized let us hope the cause can be diagnosed and a treatmen plan set up.

A couple of tips for coping with this:
1. Don't take it personally. I know this is obvious, and I also know that sometimes the obvious gets lost in a crisis. You mother doesn't hate you and knows, on some level, that you are doing your best for her. Do not get wrapped up in her accusations. Whatever turns out to be at the bottom of this behavior it isn't your real mother's real feelings.
2. Try not to argue. This is hard, when the statements are so blatantly false. Your goal isn't to have her know the "truth" -- it is to comfort her and calm her.

The prognosis depends on the cause. For example if there is swelling in the brain due to a bump, things will improve when the swellin goes down. From my expeience I'd also say that getting a diagnosis may not be as easy as we wish.

Be glad that your mother is in a safe place and is being cared for. Hope they can get to the bottom of this and come up with a treatment plan. Be good to your mother and to yourself.

Hang in there!

About a week ago, my 90 year old mother accused me of leaving her one day and not telling her I wasn't comong bace...I haven't lived with her for approx 43 years. Since then she's become increasingly angry and accusative. We brought her to the hospital after she fell and banged her head (although I doubt she actually fell) and she's been in the hospital for 3 days. During that time she's vocalized about a conspiracy, that I kidnapped her and brought her there and that we are trying to kill her..the doctors and nurses are part of the conspiracy. Help!

You all are so wonderful. You know the heartbreak of what we witness when someone we love lives with dementia. Honoring them is the best we can do - and supporting each other. Thank you so much for all of the comments.
Carol

That is just how I handled my grandmother who had Alzheimer's. If she said it was wednesday, then by golly it WAS wednesday even if it was monday and I would make sure everyone knew it! My grandmother had been terribly upset by other relatives and even an idiot of a doctor when they kept correcting her in the earlier stages of the disease. They kept on trying to "bring her back to reality" and it upset her and made her cry and I got to the point where I was going to ban anyone from visiting who did that to her. She would cry "I must be crazy" and I would hug her and say "You're not crazy. It IS wednesday (or raining or snowing or the sky was very green). He is just being silly." I also got a new doctor! In the early stages, they do know that something is wrong some of the time and we can make it easier for them. Whatever she thought was her reality and though it was like having a part in a play, I played along with whatever she said and took what she said as seriously as if it was true.

Lisamac, I think I know what you mean. How can we go along with the dreadful things they believe? Doesn't that just make matters worse?

I think I'd stive for acknowledging the reality of their feelings without agreeing with the particulars. "Oh Dad, it must feel awful to have some of your favorite things missing! And if your best friend stole them from you while he was visiting, you must feel really betrayed. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am going to look extra hard and see if that watch might show up again. If Pete took it that is terrible, but I think maybe it just got lost."

Don't beat yourself up, lisamac, if you can't come up with the perfect balance of support and reassurance that the bad things aren't happening. Just try to be comforting without being confrontational. Do your best and keep loving your father.

I am a CNA and work with dementia residents in the nursing home. I also go along with their reality. I have a woman who will roam the halls for hours looking for her home. When I come in I tell her if she gets some sleep when she wakes up I will help dress her and drive her home. If I don't do that she will search all night. In the mornings she never remembers anyway so I see no harm.

My Dad is in a psychiatric hospital now because he is so suspicious & agitated. Surely it wouldn't be good to support his beliefs now? But of course reassuring/arguing doesn't help any right now.

What a beautiful article! What a beautiful heart you have! My parents and brother are gone now--and doing what we could to help them enjoy "the world they were in"--and only one of them had dementia--was uppermost in our hearts. Thank you for so eloquently expressing this way to "honor our parents".

My mother has Alzheimers but rather than delusions, she will for a moment almost remember something or someone. She sometimes thinks I'm her mother, her sister (she is an only child!), a very nice lady who takes care of her, and very, very, rarely she will tell someone "this is my daughter," when I am not expecting it.

I miss my mother and want her back. Too bad that is not going to happen.