Yes, it is, denisejulianne. Education can make it a little easier for the caregiver as well as the person with the disease. No two people are alike, but it's helpful to have the basics in mind as we face these challenges.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

its really fustrating dealing with aging ones around u, in laws and parents & the kids at the same time, dementia, angry self -behavour...paranoid behaviour....its really testing on your faith if you dont have the knowledge about it...

Yes, we sometimes have to use our knowledge of our loved ones and go with our gut!

You did the right thing. You should join then and enter into their world and speak to them from their own point of view. Throw away the reality-testing nonsense. The psychiatrist who criticized you knows nothing but prescribing one of the half dozed anti psychotic medication that he knows. That is all they know and that is all they have in their tool box.

I appreciate your kind words and like your thoughts!

Now, doctors completely agree with this approach. Sadly, it took too long for them to catch on to social worker Naomi Feil's excellent work. I was a "nobody" who just went by gut feelings because I had no training or knowledge about dementia. After about five years, then suddenly I was "brilliant" because of how I was working with dad.

I believe that we need to listen to medical advice, but I also believe that, as caregivers, we generally know our loved one better than a doctor who sees him or her briefly and follows a general rule. I've always tried to listen to medical experts respectfully, but take responsibility for my own health. In this case, I also took responsibility for how I interacted with Dad because I knew in my heart that the surgery had destroyed the part of his brain that allowed him to be in our world. It was my responsibility to join him in his.

Take care, my friend. We all stumble along together.
Carol

I love this story. Now, just let your mind wander a bit...what if Dad had secretly told the doctors to allow his daughter to continue the charade, or game, because she feels better doing it and it's not hurting anyone? Say, when he might have had a brief awareness? It made life bearable, right? I would have done the same for my Dad, given the chance. I am going to look this up online.

Thank you! I hope that you find such a caregiver.
Please update us on how you are doing when you feel up to it.
Carol

I have early stage VaD. I would adore a caretaker as wonderful as you.

It will be hard, but if you can try to see the world from the perspective of someone whose brain tells them what is real - well, isn't - but it's real to them, it helps. This comes easier for some than others.

It's particularly hard, of course, when the delusions are frightening. Then you will struggle with comforting by asking what is wrong and eventually trying to distract her. You are right that this will likely get harder. Please stay in touch. We can't fix it but we can relate.

Take care of yourself the best you can.
Carol

The only way I can explain the delusions is that my Mom is dreaming them and then when she wakes, she really thinks these things have happened. At the moment we can reason with her. I'm dreading the day when that becomes impossible :-(

Best article I've read on how to keep a person with dementia happy. I think by celebrating him you are prolonging your Dad's life and retain your inner peace at the same time.

I'm so glad the story helped. Joining our loved ones in their world is, for most of us, the most loving thing we can do. Of course, there are always times when we can't do that because they are in a very terrifying place. Then we just have to do our best to comfort them. Maybe we can ask them to tell us about it.

But in general, it doesn't hurt a thing to go along with where they are in their minds.
Take care,
Carol

Thank you for this article!!! It took me a while to come to grips that my mom would slip into another world from a perfectly normal conversation. One day I decided to go along with what she was telling me and it made it easier for she and I to continue our conversation. Before, I was always ready to leave the Nursing Home when these conversations came up. Best Wishes to you.

Loving Daughter

nhmom, you are so right. This helps the caregiver as much as the care receiver. There is enough stress for caregivers that is unavoidable so if we can use our imaginations to help our loved ones as well as ourselves, why not? Look for my article on validation as a way to preserve our loved one's dignity. It is here on Agingcare: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-method-for-dementia-calming-or-condescending-166707.htm.

This is a topic dear to my heart.
Thanks all of you for your comments.
Carol

Loved this article. We all should learn to use our imagination to keep one step ahead of the delusional minds of our loved ones. It keeps them calm and helps us keep our sanity.

You're welcome, Bobbins! As far as your mother is concerned, she has seen the TajMahal. It certainly hurts no one to go along with her. You are wise and compassionate. Good to hear from you!
Carol

Thank you for your wonderful article. I,too, have used this technique and I know my Mother felt better after I had "made her happy" and I know I did too. What does it hurt to fudge the truth a little when it causes no harm but it makes an elderly dementia patient feel so much better. My mother insists she has seen the TajMahal. She hasn't. But, she has seen pictures and even a documentary. She can describe every detail of her "visit" just as in the pictures. She gets agitated if we disagree, so we agree and she is so happy to tell us the story. She's 92 years old, and happy! Thanks again.

Hi Irekry,
You have a trying situation that can't be controlled from 800 miles away, and yes, agreeing with your mother won't help. This is true paranoia. Your mother doesn't sound like she should live alone, and with her issues and the history that you share I wouldn't recommend that you, personally, so much more.

Could you hire a Geriatric Care Manager/Aging Life Care Professional? They are usually nurses or social workers who go into the business of arranging elder care for families at a distance - or just simple families with very little time for all of the work involved.

There is a website for this: https://www.aginglifecare.org/. You can find more information there. You may want to check the yellow pages for your mom's community.

At the very least, your mom should have some in-home care. Her paranoia may improve with more people around. Of course it may not, since she likely has a form of dementia and/or mental illness. Somehow, she needs to receive some medical attention and some housing help will likely be necessary. If nothing else, you can ask Social Services to do a welfare check.

Please don't carry guilt over not being able to do more for your mother. Some families cannot provide traditional care because of abusive or otherwise dysfunctional histories. However, you'll feel better about the situation if you can line up some help.

The local Area Agency on Aging may be helpful to you, as well, and they may be able to line you up with a Geriatric Care Manager.

Good luck to you,
Carol

I have a 85 year old mother who lives by herself. My father passed away over 20 yrs. ago. they were married for 40 yrs. I loved my father. He always seemed to be the rock for this marriage and the family. He kept my mom from spinning out of control. The first 10 to 15 yrs. after my dad died, she did ok. But, now, for the last 3 yrs. she is getting worst. I am her target now. I live 800 miles away but, I do visit her, more in the beginning and less and less as time goes by and she is accusing me more and more. She is obsessed about wires. Accusing her neighbor of running a factory and attaching wires to her house and now they have sneaked into her basement and ran wires there too, attaching them to her furnace. She claims she has smells in her house because of what they are doing. I am feeling so helpless. To agree to this is scary. I am afraid that this will just encourage more paranoia. I do not want to talk to her. I do call just about everyday, but it takes all the effort that I can find within me. After the call It takes me another hour or so to get back to normal. I feel guilty, angry, sorry for her, I feel taken advantage of, I just want this to end. Just stop. I know that now it is gotten worst, but for the last 30 plus yrs. She always had a way of making me feel guilty, that I got married, that I moved away, that I build too big of a house, that I had always done it wrong. Always argued with me that I had no idea what I was saying. But all this time, I went out of my way to help. Stayed with her for two months when my dad died. Had her at my place for months to get her health improved. Take care of utilities for her now, take care of just about everything, but, according to her I am doing it wrong. I think she should be in a assisted living, but, she will not go willingly. I don't know what to do.

Your situation is very difficult since your father is caring for your mother.

Luckily, I didn't have to worry about Dad playing doctor to anyone's detriment! Each challenge is different. My Dad's issues were frustrating and hard to watch but not harmful to others which was a blessing.

I had to laugh ( a little caregiver humor) about him having the heating and AC on at the same time. The things we deal with....

Hang in and take care, Tootie,
Carol

Well my Dad is also delusional. And so he wrote his own articles about his accomplishment and sent them off to newspapers and political leaders. So I'm hoping that is out of his system. The only delusion he can't stop and we can't comply with is his delusion that he is a doctor and knows what my mother needs. She has Alzheimer's. He keeps her like she is an invalid and insists on cooking all their meals which are the same every day. So he is also paranoid, and suspicious. And we are expecting a snow storm-- he has on both the heat and the air conditioning.

That makes it so much harder, Ashlynne! You've already done so much when she's been so difficult. You need to take care of yourself. Smart move about the phone so she's not calling you all the time. Self-preservation is important in caregiving. You are amazing in all that you've done for her.
Carol

Thanks Carol. It's only in the last couple of months she's been so bizarre and totally out of reality. I cared for her for 4 hellish years. Her house was sold last spring, the furniture went to auction and she was kept well informed all the way. Now she thinks if she can only get back there the house and furniture will still be there. She's been trying to get the phone number of a former neighbour (unsuccessfully thankfully) to see if she can get the house back or if there's anything for sale nearby and get her a realtor, then she'll advertise for someone to live in and care for her.

I bought a tiny house on 2 acres in the country not far from the NH but I've been careful not to give her the address, just the name of the nearest village. Very many years ago she called the cops on me when I didn't answer the phone one evening. She thinks I've given up my house phone and just using cell but rarely have it on. I wouldn't put anything past her.

We've never been close. A life long narcissist/control freak, she knocked me about and put me in hospital when I was about 6 and it never got any better from there. I've spent a lifetime avoiding her as much as possible and only cared for her out of duty. Due to the stress over the years I had a slight stroke a couple of weeks ago, a TIA, which is a warning and I must distance myself from it all as much as I can.

I hear you about the worry of her getting up and falling. In a way it shows that she's "determined to get better." The reality is that she won't. My dad had several very bad falls for the same reason. The nursing home staff did all they could but when he got it in his mind he was going to walk without aid - he'd try. It's was harrowing.

I did do things like help Mom and Dad plan a cruise by bringing in brochures, etc. That was because they were able to afford a couple of cruises (thankfully) before everything went downhill. They'd enjoy the planning but then forget about it, so planning was something for them to do. This was just one phase. As you know things keep changing.

You're right that you can only do so much. You've probably tried this, but you could tell her that she is more likely to get what she wants if she is patient and doesn't try to walk until the doctor says she can. Then, she'll forget it all (we hope). You'd have to start over the next day.

Sometimes you just have to depend on the nursing home staff. I had times when I couldn't comfort Dad for anything. I hated to leave but I had to go to work. I always felt better if Sandy, one of the CNAs, was there because she could handle Dad's issues so well. I'd joke with her that she needed to work 24/7 so I could feel better : )
Being able to turn some of these issues over to a caring staff is a blessing.
Take care,
Carol

My mother, in a NH with Parkinsons, stroke & dementia, is obsessed with buying another house and having live in staff to care for her "when I can walk again".. She broke a hip 9 months ago, had a stroke 3 months ago and can no longer sit up or stand alone. I can't validate that as she would try to stand up even more with disastrous results so I distract though I suspect she's been trying for some time. There's an alarm on her bed but by the time staff get there she's on the floor. There's a seat belt on her wheelchair.

Christmas eve she tried to get out of bed, down she went and was taken to hospital for stitches. Last week she "fell" out of her wheelchair.. When I visited yesterday she immediately began with the obsession until a psw came into the room so she was distracted. Sitting down for supper last evening the NH called, she got out of her wheelchair again and they found her on the floor, no damage done (this time).

She's almost 88, skin & bone, weighs less than my big lab and the wild imaginings/tantrums have increased drastically in the last little while to the point that the daily tantrum phone calls were making me ill and I changed my phone number. She's to the point now that she won't remember if I visited yesterday or weeks ago.

Of course I still visit bearing chocolates and treats and ensure she has all she needs but if she starts up I just say I have to go let the dogs out, poor things have been alone for hours and I leave. The NH staff are fantastic and take great care of her but, with the "when I can walk" obsession, I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before she has a serious fall and injuries.

Hi HolyCow,
Please, please don't feel "ashamed." No guilt allowed, okay? This is a learning process for all of us. It's a horrid feeling to witness delusions and hallucinations and feel helpless to make it all better.

When I write an article, it needs one focus. I try hard to remind people that this is a learning process, that what I've written about doesn't always work and that each situation is unique.

It took awhile for me to learn what Dad needed. I'm sort of a whimsical person, anyway, which made it easier for me to slip into the role he needed me to be in. But it was often frustrating and certainly not fun.

Soon, you'll see a new post about the validation theory. I gave some history of how it evolved and why it works. Still, there are times when only distraction - or gritting ones teeth and just getting through the day, "work."

Don't be hard on yourself. Learn more - yes. But please understand that none of respond "correctly" every time. As you already know, dementia is every changing so from one moment to the next our loved one can have different needs.

This is a wonderful community of very wise people who have mostly learned the hard way. Please keep coming back for support and help.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

I say Bravo, that you had so much time to do all of this for your Dad! You were a remarkable person to be so kind and loving to realize what your Dad needed and provide it for him.

I feel so ashamed of myself that yesterday my mother freaked me out by talking about a woman who was here in the house and the child what happened to the child, who were the people who came and took the child? I did not know how to handle this. It was the first time my mother has ever "seen people in our house."

I so wish I could have come up with something clever, rather than tell her she was wrong! I have a lot to learn.

I know she is an AWESOME daughter!!! It is tough enough going through Alz and or Dementia with your loved one, whether father, mother, husband or wife...why not meet them in their new world. We can't change their minds to believe what we do. Enjoy them where THEY are. Life will flow nicer and without the extra stress and anxiety for anyone.

Your words brought tears to my eyes, Sherry. I do what I can - what seems right at the time. Like the rest of you I learn from others and make mistakes, but try to keep the elders dignity at the forefront. Thanks for your very kind words.
Carol

I think you are wonderful.!! May the GOOD LORD BLESS YOU with ever GOOD and wonderful gift from his heave...Keep doing what you are doing...and going with the flow..!!!