I believe you are correct, in some cases. But my mother’s delusion cannot be indulged. Her delusion is based on the promise of a very famous person in the news to come pick her up in his private jet and take her to see his Florida estate. This was supposed to happen on July 4th, and now a month later, she has become increasingly agitated that he hasn’t shown up yet. She is angry, and in tears, and is now attacking me out of her frustration. I cannot think of any way to go along with this. I am certainly not going to take her there myself!
I would let her obsession with this particular person just go in one ear and out the other, but it upsets her so terribly that I can’t just ignore her distress. I have no idea how to handle this. I hate that her condition is suddenly requiring me to have the skill of a licensed psychologist or something. That is NOT where my talents lie. I’m lost on what to do.
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I agree to play along as it hurts no one, but if it gets to the point where they are accusing others of stealing from them then that's a different story. Each and everyone has their own dementia world to live in.
In my mom's world, she would misplace things and when she couldn't find them, she would accuse me, any and everyone of stealing from her. Eventually, people stopped visiting because of the accusations. I was appologizing to each and everyone. So I decided to take her around the house looking for lost items. We always found them but she'd say how did it get there? Who put that there? Etc. She could never understand or admit she was her own enemy. I would never play along with her while she accused loved ones and caregivers of stealing when i knew for a fact they weren't. After a while mom would then ask herself out loud " now, where did I put that damned thing" lol
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A friend of mine worked in memory care for many years, and her advice was very similar to this: agree whenever it didn't do any harm, and even redirect them to related harmless activities. She often dealt with patients who wanted to go home or who were convinced family were coming to take them home. Rather than arguing with them, she'd ask them to pack their suitcase in preparation for their "trip". Often the patients would start packing, then eventually lose the temporary urgency and move on to other things. Unpacking the few things that got moved was then much less stressful for all involved than trying to convince them that they were not leaving/their family wasn't coming.
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I'm going to say no, don't play along or argue with delusions. I say this because I have been looking after dad 24/7 for five years now and what I find is that both things confuse him. For me, the trick is not to lie. I am gentle in my re directions, silent through his agitations and respond to him without reacting to his disease. I drop subtle orienting hints---but I don't indulge delusions because they grow and grow and grow and he winds up more and more confused. And I don't argue with them because as the commenter said, his reality is his perception, so there is no point in that either.
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Thank you for your efforts with your Dad...you gave him peace! How you did....was the results of "living your early years" with Him and your Mother. They gave you a posative mind set.
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The physician's advice would have made sense if dad was a psychiatric patient with a chance of recovery and a need to distinguish reality from delusion. That is, in fact, the way medical people are trained to deal with the delusions of mental patients. BUT dad was NOT a psychiatric patient! There was NO chance of of his delusions harming him. His version of reality was enriching his life, not hampering or endangering it!

When his imaginings were frightening, he could be redirected, as his daughter did so artfully! Bless this loving daughter for the time and trouble she took to bring pleasure to her father in his last days.
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Loved the article. What wonderful memories to have of your father. What a wonderful daughter. I found going along with my father's reality was easier than trying to "ground" him in reality (I always said I was vising his delusions or his universe). He was in hospice and after moving from AL with my mother to SNF he declined more quickly. His delusions were more mundane - no degrees, no zoos to plan. He was only in the SNF 4 months until his death. His delusions centered more around money, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we had a roof over our head, plenty of food and clothes on our back - more than others had. He didn't have a lot of delusions in those 4 months - just a few. But as long as the answers to her alternate reality didn't agitate him more it was easier to go along. I now remember a couple of the delusions and it makes me smile.

While others call it a therapeutic lie; I call it visiting their alternate reality.
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I needed to read this article. My Mom has dementia early stage. So sometimes she is "with the program" and some days not. I quite my job/career, left my friends and my beloved San Diego to move in with her and take care of her. I've been living with her for a few years now. What a life-changer for me. I constantly need to remind myself to be more patient and understanding. Jesus is definitely in this picture to help me cope. My Mom is 93 now and most days is still doing as well as she is able. I think my problem is that I am not just the caretaker, but I am her daughter and I keep expecting her to be the same Mom she used to be. And I get impatient when she is not and I have to repeat everything three times. But I do recognize my faults and flaws. I just wanted to say thank you for this article you wrote. I need to accept her world and stop trying to bring her into mine.
Thank you Carol!
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What a fabulous and thought provoking article of love. Thank you!
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My LO was convinced that a mysterious man was burning his feet at night. He was quite irrational about it and was so angry that I was not barring this person from the home. However, because he had diabetic neuropathy the pain was real. I never knew what to do about it, can't go along with the delusion because that causes so many other issues as did not dealing with it. It was the worst with no solution.
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This was one of the best articles!! It brought me many smiles & gave me much to consider. I think your Dad and his educational delusions are delightful. I wish that were the case all the time w/ my loved one. On a good day, our loved one has delusions that she’s on a cruise ship, something she loved to do over the course of her life. My husband and I support this delusion because she always happier then.
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My mother had dementia and had also lost much of her visual acuity, and lived in a nursing home. Between missed deadlines and stringent voter requirements a few years ago, we missed deadlines for an absentee ballot in a statewide election. My mother had been civically engaged all her life, and still understood in basic ways political news on TV. When my efforts to obtain a ballot for her failed, I didn't have the heart to tell her...so I made a counterfeit ballot on over-sized blue card stock and copied the candidates and referendum questions so that I could read aloud her choices and she could 'vote.' I made recommendations if she got stuck. She was so proud, and that one exercise did so much for her dwindling self-esteem. It didn't ease my own guilt, but it was the best I could do in a bad situation. That said, in my state facilities are required to assist residents in voting (mainly by acquiring absentee ballots, while the best even arrange for an election official to conduct legitimate voting onsite). I was too overwhelmed to take on that battle at that time, though I'd have done differently today. Often fantasy is much nicer than reality, and if positive fantasy improves one's quality of life and hurts no one, it can be a gift.

As for the father with an embellished resume, my mother was thrilled when I presented her with a laminated place mat I created with color copies of her HS diploma and college and master's degree graduation certificates. She asked me to hang it up so people could she was smart. We continued her newspaper subscription as it had been part of her daily ritual forever, well after she stopped being able read and comprehend, until she came not to even notice it was there. Then we kept it for us to keep us sane during endless early evening game shows...
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"Creating moments of joy"- a book that speaks to this topic and CHANGED MY LIFE AND MY MOTHER'S AND IMPROVED her quality of life in countless ways. When I look back I regret not being more aware financially cuz I would have spent her leftover $ on a Willie Nelson impersonator. Read this book. It works! Live in their reality!
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AmazingSusan and ionehart - I truly appreciate your feedback.
Blessings to you all. We just carry on.
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LisaBGardner, it is astounding that you are still running into resistance over this! Just hang tough. You know what is best!
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Thank you for your kind words, KDancy. It sounds like you have wonderful instincts. I wish you and your dad the best.
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A beautiful story - thank you! It validates how I go with Dad's stories daily to simply love him and preserve his dignity at age 87. I write and edit professionally, so my world is about accurate storytelling. Being Dad's primary caregiver stretches me in many ways, especially in being flexible ... and learning to be okay with the wildly inaccurate tales of someone I love and respect dearly. :-)
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It is so lovely to read this. Thank you. I too was roundly castigated for 'playing along' when staff were 'correcting' a person for believing her daughter was coming to take her on an outing. It always seemed so cruel.
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Absolutely 100% spot on.
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I loved this post. Thx!!!
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Once you form the habit it becomes automatic and everyone is happier. I'm glad that it works for you.
Carol
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I really enjoyed the above story. I too, have both parents, one with al-timers and the other with dementia. I also live in dads and moms world when needed. it makes them happy and they feel complete. what ever it takes to make my parents happy and feel wanted and "normal" I will say or do for both of them. that is love......and that is what they deserve......always.................
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Carol, Thank you for the story because I am going through pretty much the same thing. My Dad has been experiencing his own reality and I gotta tell you, it's difficult when he tells me that they(my mother is in the same room with him in a nursing home) went to a motel the night before and took all of their things, including pics on the wall and furniture, but couldn't understand how all of those things got back in the room so quickly. I had to tell him that I brought them back for him and Mom. Most of the time when he has one of these realities, Mom just looks at me and shakes her head. He got mad at me recently because I asked him if he dreamed these things and he said NO to me and told me that it was real. I try to just go along with him when he gets this way in hope that he will forget it the next time I go see him. It's tough. Again thank you for your comments
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tahoelover, I hope that you find one! There are so many little things that we can do to make our loved one's life easier and these are things that can make many of us smile. Blessings.
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What a beautiful story. Sometimes kindness overrules all medical advice. Thank you for sharing. I am going in search of a baton so my Mom can help Lawrence Welk too!
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I work as a caregiver for dementia residents at an assisted living facility. This is exactly how I approach those dealing with an altered reality. By playing along, it eases the frustration felt by these elders and reduces the amount of outbursts. It's also fun to make believe.
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Thank you! I was completely clueless when I started with Dad - there was almost no information available and what there was would have been wrong (by today's standards) so I'm glad I was able to go with my gut instincts.

More and more is learned about the dementia mind so I try to keep up and learn. I'm glad that you are doing the same. Thanks again for your kind words.
Carol
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Wonderful! Working on a Dementia ward this article has givin me some meaning.
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My heart is with your mom. This isn't unusual but it's certainly upsetting for all of you. Wanting sex is normal and as you said, often snuggling will do. As far as his thinking that she's having affairs, I hope that distraction helps. This is a phase that will pass. I also hope that, since the marriage lasted this long, your mom can let this go as part of the dementia. As you already know, your dad's brain can no longer be rational. Old insecurities may be at the bottom of this or simple confusion.

If she has to, let her leave the room and someone else take over his care until that particular episode passes.

Take care, all of you. Another phase will change things yet again.
Carol
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My Dad believes my mom, his wife of 67 years, is having an affair; has had affairs. He believes she is sleeping around. He wants her to get in the hospital bed with him and "have sex"; maybe he only wants to snuggly. He is 90. she is 87. she is not now or has she ever had an affair.
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