I'm reading this for the first time as part of an assignment I have for school. I am 65 and finally finishing my degree. In 1997, my 91-year old father went into the hospital for what was then thought to be a bowel blockage. It was a block, caused by a cancerous mass in his intestine. His doctor told him that if he underwent surgery, he had a good chance of resuming his life. He was active, sharp as a tack, and was enjoying his life. He wanted to get out of the hospital and go "home". Ten days later, I had to make the decision to take him off a respirator because his organs all failed during the surgery and despite the DNR prominently displayed on the wall behind his bed, and noted in red on his chart, they did bring him back and it left him in a "coma". Since then, I have a very hard time believing what doctors say. Even with a second or third opinion, at the end of the day, they will do what is best for them and not necessarily best for the patient. To get my dad off of life support I had to sign numerous papers, including an affidavit, releasing the doctors, hospital, nursing staff and numerous others from fault...and to state that I was taking him off life support against doctors' orders. I felt like I was murdering my dad. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do....without having to testify that I chose to go against what I was being told. Even when there was no expectancy that my father would ever wake up and that dad had made me promise I'd never prolong his life in such a situation.

Bonnie- You say your mom was of sound mind when this decision was made. So even despite your encouragement, she had the ultimate decision to proceed or not with the surgery. In my case, I basically had my dad prepared that he very well could die or be in worse shape if he had the surgery and he still decided to proceed. Afterwards, I think he was mad he didn't die. He rallied for a few months but has never gotten back to even where he was before the surgery and is much, much worse now. (It's been a year and a half.) He's 86 and at that age, that big of a surgery just takes so much out of them. I am sorry for your mom's situation and truly know how hard it is to see this type of outcome. But you can't blame yourself for this. I wish you peace - Kuli

It sounds like your father has some kind of heart disease/defect and it isn't going to be treated. Have I understood that correctly? I would think that what may happen next depends on the nature of the heart condition. Have you tried looking the specific heart condition up on reputable internet sites?

I don't suppose that anyone can tell you exactly what will happen, or the timeline, but by learning about the disease you may have some clues of what to expect.

My now 90 yr old father fired his cardio doc when he was 89. He was told he was not a canidate for valve surgery. Daddy told him "I'm not going to waste your time or my money". My question has always been - what comes next? I can't get anyone to tell me so that I can prepare my 80 yr old mother? Any news is better than nothing. thanks

Oh, thank you for that. Been doing pretty well lately. I hope that you are doing well, too.

I understand but wanted to let you know. Thanks for your concern. I hope you are doing ok.

(Please forgive me above. I had misread the text where she had written 'has lost her life'; I meant to say 'for what happened in your mom's case', not 'for your loss'.)

I would bet that the last thing Bonnie's mom would want would be for her dear daughter to carry any guilt around as the result of simply having done what had appeared to be in her mom's best interest at the time, especially after having researched it and having talked with renowned specialists who were advising to have the surgery.

Thank you, Bonnie, for your post. I will keep in mind what happened in your mom's case, should my elderly parents be faced with a similar surgery decision. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you for your love and caring for your dear mom.

I was shocked when my father with Alzheimer's whom I cared for recently died and his death certificate listed as the Primary Cause of death: Heart Disease. When I questioned the funeral home they said that in the process of dying typically the heart acquires the disease before stopping and it typical and legitimate for it to be listed on death certificates. Alzheimer's was listed as a Secondary Cause.

So, even though he was a marathon runner and in wonderful physical shape, he died in the end of Heart Disease which never was a problem during his thriving, functioning life. Hmph.

You did the best with the information given you. Do not beat up on yourself.

Bonnieadams59 I love what you have said. Your sincerety comes through so loudly.

You did your research and what more could a person do. I think this is one of those cases where you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

I do know how you feel though I'm just wishing I could have just 1 more year with my mom before she had her stroke, and the Demensia/Alz set in.

We do what we can and that's all we can do.

I am living with the guilt of encouraging my mom at age 83 to have open heart surgery to replace her aortic valve due to severe aortic stenosis. My mom had two opinions from cardiologists. A renown cardiologist in Pittsburgh told us my mom has a 95% chance of a full recovery and suggested we not wait another two years for this to become an emergency. Well, my mom has not lost 14 months of her "life" as she has been in continual hospitals/chronic care facilities since the surgery and there is no end in sight. So I feel as though with my encouragement, my mom has lost her life already. She was living on her own, otherwise doing very well before the surgery. She still drove. Has a very sound mind. Was taking good care of herself and enjoying her life. Now, she is bedridden and will never be the same. Yes, I know that surgeries can have complications but honestly I did a ton of research and read a multitude of "success" stories from other elderly women who recuperated nicely from this surgery. At 83 my mom could not afford to lose what remained of her quality of life. My mom never once has blamed me for this encouragement. She always said no one would ever operate on her heart but in the year it took for her to make this decision, she was slowing down and getting shorter of breathe so she decided to have this surgery. Even the surgeon was encouraging. I will regret this heart surgery for the rest of my life. My mom has not been outside of a hospital room for 14 months. Her life as we knew it is over. At this point, despite my prayers and trying to stay strong, I don't see her ever returning home. So I want everyone to know if you ever are in this situation, think very hard about surgery for your loved one. I can't unring the bell. But if I could, I would rather have had my mom less time on this earth as she was, with us enjoying each other and spending quality time together, then visiting her everyday seeing her suffering from respiratory issues, being on a feeding tube, getting daily Heparin shots, being on a full ventilator with a trache. When we were told a 95% chance of full success, I was stupid. At age 83, I should have left that doctor's appointment with my dear mom and said forget it. We will take our chances. I am heartsick.