Or, if you managed to get them to go...how?!!
Need to give you some background first so you can see that this is already an uphill battle!:
Mom is 80 years old and has had dementia for two years now. It has progressed pretty rapidly. Neurologist said it's probably Alzheimer's. Looking at the stages, she is probably in stage 5.
I am an only child. My only family is mom and my two children. Mom's whole existence revolved around my dad. He passed away unexpectedly in 2005. Since then she has stuck like glue to me. Sadly she never really made a separate life for herself. It was always about dad and me. And now it's just about me.
She is denial that she has dementia. I know, no shocker there, right?! She was in denial (even before getting the dementia) that she has fifty percent hearing loss. It was always "if other people looked at me when they speak and spoke louder it would be fine." She has hearing aids but refused to wear them. And now, with the dementia, truthfully, I don't even bother to beg her to wear them. I'm worn out. Plus, she could quite easily put it in tissue paper (as she has done before) and then lose it.
She has a rollator duet for outside the house (four wheels with a place to sit too). There is one rolling walker upstairs and one downstairs. She has fallen several times in the past and I have begged her to use them inside the house but she insists that she doesn't need them and tells me to stop treating her like a three year old by asking her to use them.
So..here's the issue. Although mom has her own house about 10 minutes from mine, she is now staying with me. She would fall, on average, about two to three times a year. Each fall would result in a breakage required hospitalization and subsequent nursing home admittance for about one to two months. She would then stay at my house for one to three days and then go back to her house.
This last fall was different when she came out of the nursing home. I couldn't send her back to her house because she didn't seem strong enough and I was worried about the dementia.
So here I am two months later and yes, she is stronger now. Still would love it if she would use the darn walkers in the house, but hey, that's another issue. However, her dementia is still prevalent. Every few minutes, the same questions over and over again. Some confusion also.
I am stuck. Mom wants to go back to her house. But I really don't think that would be a good idea with the dementia. And no, there is no one else who can stay there with her. I have been waiting on her hand and foot here, trying my best to make her comfortable. Everything from help dressing, undressing, toileting, showering, putting on her toothpaste, putting her shoes in front of her, etc etc. It is bloody exhausting. However, the dementia is even worse to deal with. That is what drains me. She is very grateful, until the dementia occasionally rears it's ugly head like a couple of days ago, when she said she would "rather be dead than live here." She thinks I am not giving her her independence because yes, I am GUILTY AS CHARGED of saying "mom, don't forget to wash your hands." and I wait to say it as she is walking towards the door, it's not like I'm not giving her the chance to do it, know what I mean? And yes, I also have said "I've put toothpaste on your brush here for you" because she forgets to brush her teeth. Now most of the time she will thank me but sometimes she says "you have got to stop treating me like a child." It's like a no win situation. If she doesn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom, she gets UTI's and then c-diff and none of that is fun.
But here's the problem. I can't take it anymore. It's killing me emotionally. I am a hundred percent convinced that I will die of a heart attack soon or get dementia soon also (already showing mild symptoms of it due to the stress). I have two caregivers for mom and still I do 56 hours a week. My house is a mess. I can't get a job as I don't have time to. I'm constantly "on call."
I've discussed AL with her BEFORE she got the dementia and she told me, okay basically shouted at me that "those places are people whose family doesn't love them." I mentioned it again to her yesterday. I asked her how she liked living here and she told me she "would rather hang herself" than live here (unfreaking believable after all the crap I do for her). She then shouted at me "I want to go home." I told her as gently as I could that she can't. I then asked her about AL. Of course, I had to couch it like "little apartments, not old people's homes at all, where all your church friends live." Her response: I'm not going there.
What on earth do I do? My mom is not happy here, wasn't happy living in her own home before here (constantly said she was lonely and when was I picking her up), can't go back to her own home and will hate AL even worse.
I think it in my best interest for her to go. Am I being selfish? Should I just put my life on hold until she dies? What do I do?
When she asks how much AL costs, tell her it is part of the medical expenses (it IS tax deductible!) and you can fib and tell her you think that insurance covers it since it is medically necessary. Certainly cheaper than upgrading the house to make the docs happy.
PS. Most elders ask to go "home", which in their minds is a different time and place from now, but they do not realize that.
You've tried to reason with her about her situation and yours, even though you know she's not capable of reasoned thought. So, you've done your best there. The situation is not working out for her or you. You deserve a life, you've done enough. You know all of this.
What's needed now is for you to decide where is the best place for her to live and to arrange for her to live there. So much easier said than done. She will only be capable of participating in the decision making in small ways. You have to take the reins and the sooner you do, the sooner you can resume living yourself.
It is SO hard to become the parent to your parent, but that's what has to happen.
Taking care of yourself isn't wimping out. It is necessary for your own survival.
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