My aunt is a resident in a nursing home. She’s always asking to go home. I want to let her visit her house but I am afraid once she is home, she will refuse to return to the nursing home.
Before COVID, my mom would make arrangements to have the NH transportation service take her home for a home visit. She would be dropped off @ home for a few hours, then picked up to return to the NH. Somebody had to meet her @ home to help w her with her wheel chair. She was too big for me to handle. I could never be there for her home visits. It would break my heart knowing she had to leave her home & was never going to be able to live @ home again. My siblings were in charge of her care. They forced me out & kept me out of any care making decisions for mom. They never told her she was never coming home. They’d tell her, “If & when you come home” instead of the truth. My dad was always the one to meet her @ home. I never thought a home visit was a good idea. It was so sad.
My father has been in AL/memory support for about two months and asks to go home often. I asked him what he missed about his home, and he started telling me different things he enjoyed about it and then went down memory lane with another story about his life. I used to change the subject, but he kept it up, so I realized a little reminiscing doesn't hurt since he lived in the house for 40 years. My father's house hasn't been sold yet and I would never take him there no matter what he asked or tried to negotiate. We worked extremely hard to get him into AL.
I am a care giver for my 98 yr old MIL. She goes through periods like that. She wants somebody to take her home and the reasons vary. Usually she is referring to her childhood home because she thinks she needs to clean it out and get things her parents left when they died. Though we have other periods when she wonders why her mother and siblings never visit her. I tell her somebody took care of it already. She used to want to go to her last home where she was independent and we would tell her we would talk about it when she was physically able to travel. We knew it would not happen. We always follow up with stories about family and move her on to other topics and that worked, though when she was in the "going home" phase the same conversation happened again the next day or later that day the same way. We just repeated loving things like, "Yes we had a great time there, and i remember......". Or "You really had a fun childhood living in the country. Did you ride a horse to school?" So much depends upon their mental state at the time. As time passes they tend to forget the most recent home and think of their growing up home. Whenever we bring clothes or something to her, she never recognized them and so we just said "Got you some new clothes." She would be thrilled and never recognize they were hers. Make sure she has a binder with family photos of her close family and write their names clearly like "Tom, your son." You can always go there (the photo book) when she talks about home because it will help her with memories of family which can fill the need of "home-ness." Once she told us a high school friend called her and wanted her to come live with her because her parents died and this girl had never lived alone. For one thing she does not have a phone. I ask the girls name and she forgot. I asked where she lived and she said she did not know but if we got in the car and drove around she could find it (we live in a city). I told her if the girl really wanted her she would call back or write and then we would know who to talk to. I even found her year book on the internet and we looked at all the photos and she could not pick out the girl but she did recognize two teachers and we enjoyed talking about her school. Always be kind and loving as you respond. Let them know you understand it is hard to not be at home and you will help them make this as homey as possible. Actually, we never take my MIL anywhere because we cannot get her in and out of car. So sometimes we are just honest and say that. But we say it kindly. Most dementia patients are easily distracted and if not you can simply tell them you do not feel comfortable taking them places and leave it at that. Other family members who try to disrupt his life can be a problem. You might write a letter about how difficult it is as caregiver and if they could support you and work together as a unit it would help so much. Also you might gather them together and discuss how they feel and what you think and maybe have a social worker there to guide the discussion. The home where he is may have specific rules about taking a person out. If not you can set up some guidelines and require they sign so no one questions that you have let them know the possible harm they could cause.
We stopped taking my mom out to eat because she would never eat or care for what she did eat, even though it was what she used to order regularly. Also, if it took longer than 10 minutes she would put her head down on the table and complain that the server forgot us. It exhausted her. Even if it was her past "favorite thing" it was just "okay" and more often than not she would not remember ever being there. Going between the buildings at her memory care for the different activities is more than enough excitement foe her now.
In general I would say " no" unless there is a good reason. Sounds like there is no real need. so dont do it then! there wont be any benefit to that.
on the other hand, I'm not following my own advice. My dad is 1) bugging everyone to move back home and 2) bugging me to take him there once to pick out some clothes and things to bring to his AL. My intention was to do neither, I told him to think of things he wants me to bring back. He said he cant remember and would not know until he sees them.
Then, on point 1, he went calling around family members begging someone to arrange a system that he can go back home (I have said I dont approve and would not be part of any such plan). THen, I have been getting all sorts of phone calls from family. I "negotiated" that I'll take him there once to pick up some things, I'll agree to that, but that family must fully and firmly support him that there is no avenue to move back home, and no one give him false hope that they can set it up. I may regret this, but figure there cant be too much harm further from one visit..... If we go and he pulls something crazy like trying to stay there overnight, I'll call APS....
No. This will cause confusion for her. Try to distract her with pleasant things she likes when she starts asking about home.
Remember “home” is more a feeling than a place. “Home” was one place when you were in grade school. “Home” was likely a different place when you were in High school. It was yet another place when you struck out on your own; maybe again if you got married and maybe yet another place when you had kids and so on.
Just try to distract her and be gentle and loving so she feels safe and loved like you do when you are at home (usually).
I don’t think your mother wants to visit her house -she wants to return to it in such a case I feel it may be counter productive to her health to visit. she wants to go home not reminiscent when she’s accepted living maybe a rethink but presently I’d say not a great idea reminiscencing is normal in other circumstances tho-I once had an elderly gentleman knock on my door and explain he used to live there many years ago and was there anyway he could see the garden I was in the house alone not greatest of ideas to agree’ but he turned out honest and all he wanted to do was have a final look at his old life/garden. I can understand that. I often feel like I’d love to see the house I grew up in until 7 - I even in past googled to look at the road. It’s natural to want to but in your mothers case it’s longing fur her old life which can only cause pain the past is gone.
What has changed since you decided to move to assited living or independent living? IF the reasoning and conditions warranted the move then hold to thedecisio and do not engage an emotional that can putt at you risk of a major set back and disruption to the lives of everyone involved. Think hard about what your being asked to do and make the best decision for all concerned, especially the care provider, even an part time overseer. Redirect the query, always refer to the new home as "home'." Pictures can stimulate longing and then anxiety. Doing what is best is not a heart deciaion, it is often a heart breaking decision.
No, you do not take her home. One reason is "home" is not always the last place they lived. For my Aunt it was the house she grew up in. She was back into her childhood.
Her request starts off as wanting to see her house then it trails on to her long term plans of living in her house. I’m sure she is also looking for “home” - the sense of self, independence, autonomy, and security. I can only visit once a month because I live in another state but it seems every time I visit, she gets hopeful that I will bring her home.
No, you should not do this. You should let the aunt know that this is now her home and that won't change. To do this would be very upsetting and confusing.
Once she told us a high school friend called her and wanted her to come live with her because her parents died and this girl had never lived alone. For one thing she does not have a phone. I ask the girls name and she forgot. I asked where she lived and she said she did not know but if we got in the car and drove around she could find it (we live in a city). I told her if the girl really wanted her she would call back or write and then we would know who to talk to. I even found her year book on the internet and we looked at all the photos and she could not pick out the girl but she did recognize two teachers and we enjoyed talking about her school. Always be kind and loving as you respond. Let them know you understand it is hard to not be at home and you will help them make this as homey as possible. Actually, we never take my MIL anywhere because we cannot get her in and out of car. So sometimes we are just honest and say that. But we say it kindly. Most dementia patients are easily distracted and if not you can simply tell them you do not feel comfortable taking them places and leave it at that. Other family members who try to disrupt his life can be a problem. You might write a letter about how difficult it is as caregiver and if they could support you and work together as a unit it would help so much. Also you might gather them together and discuss how they feel and what you think and maybe have a social worker there to guide the discussion. The home where he is may have specific rules about taking a person out. If not you can set up some guidelines and require they sign so no one questions that you have let them know the possible harm they could cause.
on the other hand, I'm not following my own advice. My dad is 1) bugging everyone to move back home and 2) bugging me to take him there once to pick out some clothes and things to bring to his AL. My intention was to do neither, I told him to think of things he wants me to bring back. He said he cant remember and would not know until he sees them.
Then, on point 1, he went calling around family members begging someone to arrange a system that he can go back home (I have said I dont approve and would not be part of any such plan). THen, I have been getting all sorts of phone calls from family. I "negotiated" that I'll take him there once to pick up some things, I'll agree to that, but that family must fully and firmly support him that there is no avenue to move back home, and no one give him false hope that they can set it up. I may regret this, but figure there cant be too much harm further from one visit..... If we go and he pulls something crazy like trying to stay there overnight, I'll call APS....
Remember “home” is more a feeling than a place. “Home” was one place when you were in grade school. “Home” was likely a different place when you were in High school. It was yet another place when you struck out on your own; maybe again if you got married and maybe yet another place when you had kids and so on.
Just try to distract her and be gentle and loving so she feels safe and loved like you do when you are at home (usually).
in such a case I feel it may be counter productive to her health to visit.
she wants to go home not reminiscent
when she’s accepted living maybe a rethink but presently I’d say not a great idea
reminiscencing is normal in other circumstances tho-I once had an elderly gentleman knock on my door and explain he used to live there many years ago and was there anyway he could see the garden
I was in the house alone not greatest of ideas to agree’ but he turned out honest and all he wanted to do was have a final look at his old life/garden. I can understand that. I often feel like I’d love to see the house I grew up in until 7 - I even in past googled to look at the road. It’s natural to want to but in your mothers case it’s longing fur her old life which can only cause pain
the past is gone.
How long has Aunt been in the NH?
I was happy there
Where things were familiar
And people cared.
💙
Is it a literal request to merely visit her old home for an hour or two?
(A dusty empty building? Or maybe one changed by it's new tennants).
Or is she asking for something else?
To go back in time, to a place, a feeling of security & familiarity?