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I am in a weird spot and I feel utterly helpless and alone. I am the guardian of my mother we went through what is called article 81 guardianship. I have been doing this for around four years, and tbh it was the worse decision of my life.



As per my mother's order I pretty much need to seek court approval for any life altering choices in her care, and I also have a duty to do what is in the overall best interest of the IP my mother.



Here is where I run into issues. About six mouths ago with the help of my attorney we requested that my mother be placed because I felt I could no longer provide her care in the community.



My request was denied, the state had their own evaluation done and they felt she was not ready for SNF placement, and unfortunately AL is not an option for my mother with her Medicaid in our state.



So around two months later i made a request to be removed as guardian that was denied until the state or myself could find someone who could take over my duties. The state told me community guardians are only for emergency cases and my mother does not fall under that because I am her guardian.



I am legit stuck, my attorney told me unfortunately this is common in our county. The judges tend to favor family over state involvement and since I am already involved they tend to make it harder to get out of it unless the guardian is abusing the IP in someway but that comes with a host of difficulties.



On top of this everyone wants me to treat my mother's cancer because it is highly treatable but I don't want to. My mother wants to but she is IP and does not understand what prolonging her life means for her or myself.



I feel defeated. Not exactly sure what I am looking for maybe just a place to vent and feel less judged. That is what I feel everyday.

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What county is this? I’m in NYS too
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Reply to JeanLouise
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I quite agree with Alva saying “I do not believe any judge in this country has the right to prevent a guardian from placing a needy and dependent elder they cannot care for. Something is wrong with all this.” I also want to repeat that you should take it to the Ombudsman. Apparently part of the problem is that there aren’t enough potential “community guardians’ on the local list for finding replacement.

Managing that list is definitely bureaucratic and something for the Ombudsman, even if the Ombudsman doesn’t get involved in upsetting Judges’ decisions. And going to the Ombudsman doesn’t require a lawyer so it’s cheap.
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I know this is over the top and ridiculous but if relocation is at all possible, move with her to Texas. I know from personal experience that Texas does not recognize NY guardianships. Most states have guardianship reciprocity but not Texas. We had a messy family situation about guardianship issues for a family member who moved there. We consulted a Texas lawyer about this. Maybe you can piece together a better life for yourself if you can consider something like this.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 14, 2024
Ahhhh…a loophole. Thanks for posting this option, HH.

Interesting idea, if it is feasible for the OP.
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"Sadly I cannot say I lacked the information consent everything was in the order I signed. Just my fault for listening to the courts say thing they would assist me with everything when it was all bullshit."

Order a written transcript from the hearing where the court told you that you would receive assistance with everything.
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"My mother meets the medicaid criteria for SNF, she just does not meet the criteria for active homecare."
Have your (her attorney) appeal the Medicaid decision that she does not qualify.
There are specialists who do this.
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Wintergrasp88,
Are you on SSDI for what may be a mental disability?
What if you can change the focus to only your health, your needs?

Seems the courts and judges usually put a lot of weight on a doctor's letter or affidavit.

If you could qualify for a disability for yourself, at that time you would not
qualify to take care of someone else or remain their guardian. ??

Your own health could have changed over the last 4 years. A doctor's letter (on your behalf) might suffice to get you the break you need for your own mental health, before it does become an emergency for you.

Are you employed? Are you able to become employed?

You do not need to reply, just offering things to think about and bring up with your attorney or doctor. I am not a professional, but have observed some unusual legal issues in my lifetime. Sometimes, with enough information, we can work these things out.

In the meantime, check out medical care that comes under what is usual, customary, and reasonable in your Mother's case. Consult a second opinion on the part of her care whether or not to treat her cancer. A difference of opinion could get you (like you said) in big trouble, so get it in writing that a professional agrees with you not to treat the cancer. Especially since
1) Mom wants it treated;
2) It is easily treatable.
You need it documented that you sought advice on her treatment if you are going against the recommended treatment.
You may be required to get her the treatment anyway.
This is not the hill you want to take a strong stand on, because of the scrutiny
of the social workers and courts. You might need to comply for a time, just to protect yourself from accusations of neglect by the APS or court.
Can you get Mom in a clinical trial at one of the larger teaching hospitals, like
The Mayo Clinic?

Here is a far reach: Any chance that your Mom could be declared competent at some point and no longer be required to have a guardian? Her attorney could fight the guardianship? Yike, that's a stretch. But your Mom may need an attorney separate from your attorney. You are two separate legal entities.
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Anxietynacy May 14, 2024
Really good advice sends
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"As per my mother's order I pretty much need to seek court approval for any life altering choices in her care, and I also have a duty to do what is in the overall best interest of the IP my mother."

Thinking outside the box here.
Has anyone applied the concept:
It is better to apologize after the fact than to ask permission?

Another concept, if it can be aptly applied:
Keep a low profile.
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wintergrasp, you absolutely should not, nor are you required to, pay any money of your own towards her care. Moms' money pays for what she needs, and if she doesn't have the money, she can apply for Medicaid. It is not your responsibility, even as guardian, to use your own money for her care!
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sp196902 May 13, 2024
Moms on medicaid. I think OP is paying for some in home care out of pocket so they can get a break from the care giving. Yet ironically the courts and social worker won't approve mom to go into a facility because they say she doesn't need that level of care yet.
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What are the criteria for SNF placement that your state (NY) follows? I would get really familiar with them and let the Medicaid people know when they need to re evaluate the situation with mom because she might meet them now. Thank you for sharing your story. Its an eye opener. You provided a really clear history, information and details, really concisely. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would have gone with the I am not capable route first, just like you did. I am so sorry that the judge/lawyer did not consider your interests more compassionately. The way you described, this seems very unfair to you. However, you are wise to not act rashly and make anything worse. Are there any other people who have been in your situation before and what did they do and what was the outcome? Engage hospice when you can, with the cancer diagnosis. It provides some support. You will get access to a social worker who may be able to help. Sounds like mom is Medicaid qualified. Is there a PACE program in your city? It provides some home care and services to a person who qualifies for SNF but keeps them in the home. I get that they have to qualify for SNF first and that is your current hurdle. Things may deteriorate with the cancer diagnosis or mobility or ability to take care of her own activities of daily living. Maybe keep pushing for re evaluation for Medicaid SNF benefits. A big hug. I think we All get how difficult this is for you. you did a Really great job describing. You are not being unreasonable. And, you are Not alone.
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Wintergrasp88 May 13, 2024
My mother meets the medicaid criteria for SNF, she just does not meet the criteria for active homecare. Issue is because of the order I need court approval for placement and unfortunately the Judge in her county holds the opinion that families should care for their loved ones with dementia and nursing placement is more so meant for end of life or for those that are a danger to others or themselves.

In NY we have a program called nursing home diversion program. My mother is in a wait list for said program. They just happen to prioritize those in nursing homes first before community based applicants.

She is also on the wait list for a rental voucher.
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Since Mom is only 68 one way out of this malarky is to hire 24/7 care daily forever, until her money is gone. There will then be nothing to be guardian of and the state will likely take over and place her in Medicaid Housing, since you are under no obligation to pay for your mom's housing. This will keep a lot of doctors off the doorstep as well.

NY LAW: (from internet)

"What if a Guardian Resigns or Dies?
Resigning: If a guardian wants to resign, they must file papers with the court (make a motion) asking permission to resign and file their final guardianship accounting. A guardian will often suggest a replacement (successor guardian) to take their place if no standby guardian has been named. If a guardian does not suggest a replacement (successor guardian), the court chooses who to appoint in their place. [see Section 81.37 of the Mental Hygiene Law about the resignation of a guardian.] 
Guardian Dies: In a case where the guardian dies, if no standby guardian had been previously named, the court examiner will present the court with a Notice of Death and ask to have a successor guardian appointed. The court examiner may also request a “referee” be appointed to complete the deceased guardian’s final accounting or the Court may direct the successor Guardian to complete the deceased guardian’s final accounting. [see Section 81.38 of the Mental Hygiene Law about when a guardian’s position is “vacant” due to death or other reasons.]"

I guess for myself I would do this, and would tell the judge that I REFUSE to act as a guardian, and will not do so, and if the law wishes to prosecute me I will ask for a public defender and will be jailed before I will serve as guardian.
Then guess they would have to jail me and guess I would make the news because I have never yet in this country heard of a case of a guardian jailed for resigning.

I do think that you post here serves as warning.
I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a very loving, gentle, cooperative and organized brother, and it was a huge job that took many hours of my time. I always warn people not to take on POA or guardianship. I would never do it again.
As to the question of cancer care for an incompetent senior my answer would be NO.
Again, they wanted to haul me to court they could, as the guardianship pays for my defense, being I am guardian.
Once the money is gone, this is pretty much over.

Quite the amazing story, Wintergrasp; one of the most amazing I have seen in five years here. I surely do wish you the very best of luck, because quite honestly I would as SOON be in jail reading a book as go through this daily Hades. They'd have top feed you, house you and pay for your medical. At this point, that's not nothin!
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Isthisrealyreal May 13, 2024
Now the inmate has to pay for medical if they get any money from outside. Speaking from personal experience with my bil.
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Good lord. This is simply awful. Do you need any surgeries or anything you have been putting off? Maybe get out of it for something like that (or inpatient psych help haha, not funny but you would get 3 meals a day).

In other words, what would happen if you physically or mentally couldn’t do it? Can you appeal the judge’s decision?

Make a paper trail. Call 911 and send her to the hospital any time you feel it’s right and then go the unsafe discharge route.

Keep petitioning the judge. Consult with a new attorney. I would make it very clear you are at the end of this and that they need to catch up to where you are.
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Southernwaver May 13, 2024
And no, stop paying out of your money. Your money is for your golden years.

I honestly think you need a new attorney. This is BS
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Winter, I hope that you can get some relief, some how, some way in this difficult situation.
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I am not a lawyer but it seems to me you were not made fully aware of what being a guardian would entail and what the pitfalls would be. Given that, you really did not give informed consent. How could this be a binding agreement?
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Wintergrasp88 May 13, 2024
Sadly I cannot say I lacked the information consent everything was in the order I signed. Just my fault for listening to the courts say thing they would assist me with everything when it was all bullshit.
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If I was desperate enough I would have myself committed to a mental institution for a 3 day evaluation to try and get rid of guardianship that way.

It's crazy how if the OP died today the mother would all of sudden be taken care of by the courts. Why does the OP have to continue to destroy their life because they made a mistake in taking on guardianship of their mother 4 years ago?

The most ridiculous part of all this is OP's mother has cancer and they want the OP to get the mother treatment. Why are we extending the lives of people with dementia and alz with cancer treatments, pace makers, stents, etc?

And this certainly is a cautionary tale for everyone to not try and get guardianship because even then you have to go to the court if you want to place them in a facility and strangers get to decide if said person should be placed, not you.
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Anxietynacy May 13, 2024
Wow, that's an interesting idea
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I’m sorry you are going through this. I believe your post should be stickied here for all who may be contemplating obtaining guardianship to see. It’s a huge undertaking and will consume much of your time and energy. Now it appears you are stuck and forced to be a caregiver. This is why I often advise people here to keep a distance and at the least not accept family that may eventually need more care than you provide into your home from the hospital or SNF. I wish I had an answer for you now, but I don’t, unless you are able to show good justification to the judge why you can’t be Guardian anymore.
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sp196902 May 13, 2024
This post should be at the top of this forum. Along with another titled: Thinking of letting your parent move in with you - here's why you shouldn't do it.
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Perhaps I’m still thick, but what is a ‘community guardian’? Are they paid, or is it voluntary? Why is there a waiting list for one ‘to become available’?

I think this is a good one to take to your state’s ombudsman. It’s unfair that you are forced to do something like this, because of a ‘waiting list’. The local authorities need to make the availability situation workable. This is a very suitable ombudsman issue – local rules that have unfair effects. This has a serious effect on your own personal freedom. Even an ombudsman investigation will rock the boat locally. Going to the ombudsman is free, and doesn’t need a lawyer. Give it a try.
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Wintergrasp88 May 13, 2024
Ccommunity guardian is normally an agency that is appointed by the courts. They are licensed agencies or attorneys that take on the responsibilities of a guardian in the name of the court.

Now if I had the money in theory I could I could hire an outside attorney to take over the tasks but I will still be the guardian.
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This is just horrible. I have no advice, but I hope you can come to a resolution. No one should be forced into this. I think it's horrible that the state refuses to aid. I learn something new here every day. It's also why I had to get away from POA with my aunt. I felt like I would have been stuck, also. Original poster, I am wishing you the best. {Hugs}.
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IP, Incapacitated Person
I have a friend who became a guardian of a mentally challenged cousin , who was in a home, when her Aunt died. She was almost 80 with a DH suffering from ALZ. She asked the State to take over because she could not do it anymore, they refused. When she contacted a State Senator, he helped her. Problem, the State took him out of the special home he had been in and placed him somewhere else and would not tell her where he was. She was able to track him down, with help, and found he eas doing fine.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 13, 2024
What is DH?
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Wold you feel comfortable saying what State you are in?
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I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a satisfactory resolution to your nightmare.
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Wintergrasp88,
Keep venting.
Can your attorney appeal the denial to be removed as your mother's guardian?

People are listening to you, reading your difficulties. Yes, you are in a difficult situation. Others will come alongside to offer support to you.

You feel judged?
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Wintergrasp88 May 13, 2024
We are going to try to appeal but unfortunately this is a civil matter and appeals seek to correct a mistake which means to appeal it another would have to feel what the first judge made a mistake. My county tends to play nice with one another.

We are trying though, and in the legal sense they did not deny my request they just said they do not see this meeting the criteria for an emergency situation and as such I have to wait for community guardian to become available.
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I'm sorry to be thick, but what does IP mean, please?
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Sendhelp May 13, 2024
IP may mean In Patient.
No, that's not it.

Maybe something with the word incompetent?

Internationally Protected?

OK, I found this:

Incapacitated Person.
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Wow , I'm so sorry, I have no good advice for you, but I heard your venting.

That's got to be so hard. Im curious how old your mom is?

Not only if they treat your mom with cancer, it will most likely leave your mom with others health issues and needing more care.

Not judging you at all. My feeling is if you're family wants your mom to go through horrible treatments , they need to buck up and help.

I am also wondering, what kind of cancer, if the doctors are not exaggerating about how treatable the cancer really is.
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Anxietynacy May 13, 2024
I'm sorry, I did not read the other answers. Need to wake up a bit more in the morning.
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Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for your situation.

I wish we had the answer. It seems you have legal counsel who offers no hope for a remedy.

My MIL died at 84 from untreated cancer. At the time I felt her family had been negligent in her care. Today it seems to me it was the best for everyone, especially her.

Please know that this is a good place to vent and your posts will help others as they navigate these difficult situations. So thank you for sharing.
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CALL APS. Tell them you are no longer able to care for your mother either mentally or physically. I would in fact get a letter from your own MD attesting to that fact. I would then resign any guardianship legally and request guardianship by the state. Understand that at that point you will not have any choices as to placement, and etc, nor as to finances. No one has to serve as guardian when they are physically, mentally, emotionally or educationally able to do so in this country. A fiduciary will be appointed.

HOWEVER, when you DO this through either APS or legally with a court order through attorney, you will have not to be in any sort of back and forth. This must at that point be that you CANNOT DO THIS. Just as tho you were, in fact dying of some disease or struck down with a stoke. There cannot be any argument.

No one can force anyone in this country to be a guardian of anyone else when they are no longer capable of doing that service.

Your letter here does serve as fair warning. People should understand if they are POA or guardian for someone who has passed into competency it is NO EASY THING to simply walk away. In fact it is difficult, is a court legal action, and comes with a cost both monetary and emotional.
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Wintergrasp88 May 13, 2024
Thanks for the advice, my mother does have an open APS case and I have informed them that I am not capable anymore but as my mother's caseworker told me I cannot just say I cannot do it any longer after making this commitment. So they kind of ignored me. They are not wrong I dislike the situation but I would not hurt my mother.

The courts dismissed my claims as active threats also.

Yes they cannot force me to be guardian but they can prevent me from giving up the role as guardian especially if they cite lack of availability of community guardians.

Fun times
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So sorry you are in this bad situation. I wonder if you went to see a therapist because of the stress this is causing you and said you were suicidal because of it if that would be enough for you to be removed as her guardian and let the state take over.

It's insane that they could force someone to do this to their own mental, physical and financial detriment.

I totally get your not wanting to get this cancer treated too. It only prolongs your being stuck against your will as moms guardian.
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Wintergrasp88 May 12, 2024
It is nutty, that is the grounds we used to try to get me out of it. Unfortunately, my therapist could not coach me as to what I would have to say to show my stress and thoughts pose a risk to myself or my mother.

They did note I was stressed and thankfully that means when a community guardian becomes available I can get out but as my attorney said good luck on that. Unless I do something to myself or my mother they will not view this as an emergency situation.
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I am so sorry for your predicament.
I have no advice regarding the guardianship, as the rules in the UK are completely different. Nevertheless, I wonder if you are able to declare yourself incapable of carrying out the required duties of a guardian?

As far as your mum's cancer is concerned, I completely understand what you are saying. However, if the cancer is treatable, then not treating it could result in a drawn out, painful death.

Make sure that you are completely informed of the pros and cons of each possible action.

My initial thoughts were that your mum should have some say in her healthcare. But, if the treatment could cause other serious health issues that are difficult to treat or manage, then your mum wouldn't necessarily be capable of reasoning and making a decision.

So, just be sure to get solid advice on this.

Wishing you and your mum all the best.
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Wintergrasp88 May 12, 2024
Her doctors told me without treatment it would not be a quick, but without treatment she will die.

If I treatment my mom could very well live much longer. Outside her dementia and cancer she is relatively healthy.

May sound heartless but rather he have a general time frame when her suffering will end instead of having her go down this rabbit hole of dementia progression.

As for being deemed incapable of fulfilling my duties sadly I have to do something to show I am incapable. Which can get me in trouble.
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From my view you have one big problem in that you do not have a Durable Power of Attorney. If you did you could make these decisions without going to court. What you aren’t saying is why guardianship vs POA was chosen or if there is someone with POA where are they and what are they doing?

Answer that and we can advise you further. And yes, your situation sucks. There is a way out for you both but it involves having control with a durable POA.
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Wintergrasp88 May 12, 2024
My mother had a POA my father was her POA but he suddenly passed away and unfortunately they forgot to account for that.

Which means I could not do POA of my mother. If I could I would have. She has already been deemed IP so no way I can get a POA. I cannot even take her to a different state cause I will need state approval of that and the state I move her to has to agree to the guardianship.
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