How do you change course when you feellike you'll burst out in tears?

I've been reading and you have to accept that this is not the mom you knew and loved, it happens quite often. This is the toughest thing to understand....why?When you become a caregiver the relationship is very different, you are in charge and being the daughter is "out the window " so to speak,no love or compassion as you remember,a really tough transition!!! You are now the parent and it's not easy to adjust to an elder who has lived their life and now has to listen to you? You can do this!! You're hurt and you try so hard to be accepted but your mother/ daughter relationship just isn't there. You mentioned financial matters? Are you her POA? If you are and you find her incapable of making rational decisions, it might be wise to take over the financial accounts before she gets scammed! Yes,good daughter, you're the mom now but that doesn't mean you can't have a good cry or scream now and then. You're human!! Let it out in your comfort zone,don't let it eat you up, it festers and makes you feel ugly.
PS the phone thing? My mom got really bad and forgot to charge it most of the time also kept accidentally lowered the volume. Usually you can go into settings and lock the outside buttons. I know how not being able to reach them feels, very uneasy.
Don't beat yourself up and don't let anyone else either.

Hi Ripley,

I would say go ahead and burst. But not while you're driving! Pull over if you have to. It's OK to feel your feelings!!

A good therapist can help you learn skills to detach. I visualize a force field around me where things bounce off. Or Wonder Woman throwing up her arms crossed and things bounce off her bracelets.

I do this with situations. I have not been personally attacked and that is much harder to deal with. I would say it has a lot more to do with the person doing the attacking and how small they feel. There's a lot of self hatred and insecurities in people who attack others or say things to make them feel bad.

It sucks. I'm sorry and I wish you peace. The day will come and it will pass. You are a good daughter, a good person worthy of respect and kindness.

Breathe , Center Yourself , Get Grounded , Stay in Your Heart . Place a Protective Light around You Like Aqua Blue , Or A Color That Makes You Feel Safe . Pray If You Have To and Ask Your Angels To Protect You . Breathing Is Important and Learn Some Meditation techniques . Thomas Victor Carroll Has some Good instagram Posts On Meditation - I Follow him and he Is On QuikSilver Too .

I don't have anything to do with people who say and do things to make me cry.
That would be both family and other folks.

Not everyone is capable of mothering; some people have limitations too severe to do a whole lot of mothering. If they are simply unpleasant I would avoid them for the most part and simply be polite when I had to see them. If they are cruel I wouldn't see them at all.

Your mother gave birth to you and she did, I assume, the best with her severe limitations to take care of you until you reached age of majority. You are now grown up. I am one to say that often the best place for parents and grown children is 1,000 miles away.

I think I would advise you, if you cannot separate yourself while living close, to move away and start a good quality of life somewhere where you and your friends love and support one another in a loving way when you need "mothering" or extra care. Send one of those innocuous cards every year.

I am estranged from one of my daughters.
We tried hard, I think, both of us, over a period of time to have a relationship, and in truth we did not bring any joy to one another's lives. I take full responsibility for my part in any hurt I may have caused, have apologized for it, and for my shortcomings. But at some point I decided that we needed to wish one another well and let one another go on to a life that didn't include that constant angst. I communicate when I need to about documents she will need when I am gone to collect inheritance left to her. I harbor good memories of some good times and let the others float away. We are polite and distant when we must communicate. And she saves on Mother's day cards. I am at peace. I hope and believe she is. I wish her nothing but well.

Not everyone can get along. People seldom change, even when they try. And blood is an accident. It's genetics. We have a right to live our lives in peace and happiness with people we CHOOSE, who love us and who we can fully love. We have a right to happy lives without drama at the forefront. We need to make those lives for ourselves. Just my humble opinion.

I wish you the best.

You don't have to be Moms caregiver. Feel lucky that she is in an AL. She gets cared for there. There are some people on here that have to deal with someone like this 24/7.

A number of members on this forum have distanced themselves from parents just like your Mom. Seems like you have distanced yourself to a point. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. You may need to learn to set boundries. Be honest, you don't come around because she is so toxic. You are no longer going to tolerate it. You are an adult and deserve respect. If she does not give you that respect, you will not be visiting. And when u do visit, and she starts, you walk out. You hang up the phone and you don't have to answer her calls. She won't change overnight but you should never budge.

The phone, there is no one in the AL that can look at Moms phone and see what is wrong with it?

Consider seeing a therapist. You need someone to vent to in person. This person will actively listen to you. They will emotionally support you. They can give you relaxation techniques and assurance.that you are doing all the right things. Plus they will have advice and ideas that you may have not even thought of.
Plus your medical insurance will pay for it. You will probably have a copay like you do for most doctors. Call the number on the back of your insurance card to find out what the fee is and how many visits are covered.
I have used therapists many times throughout my life (divorce, death of both my parents, suicide of my brother and a very close friend). Don’t wait to go. You need support now.

Sometimes you just can’t keep on putting on a Happy face any more …

You didn’t give us many details . How often do you visit her ? Once a year? If it’s once or twice a year, I guess you can go through this . Face the dread, put on a good face , suffer through the weekend. If it’s multiple times a year it or than monthly, how long cAn you continue that ?
i know this feeling but without details , don’t know how bad it is for you

I also found this online:

9 affirmations to provide comfort when you’re feeling anxious:

I am safe and in control.
I have done this before, and I can do it again.
This too shall pass.
I am strong and resilient.
I trust myself to navigate through this.
I am capable and competent.
I take things one day at a time.
I inhale peace and exhale worry.
This feeling is only temporary.

Affirmations are helping, but Louise Hay videos and breathe/meditation videos online with soothing music I find are helping me the most. Will have to keep this up throughout the weekend. Self-soothing is what I'll need to keep doing.

Ripley, I understand how these emotions come up. My Mom isn't in a AL but in my childhood home.
She always ruined every holiday for herself as well as the rest of my family. Now that my brother has passed away she is going into her never ending depression.
I've been spending time with her but staying busy.
The saving grace is being able to leave. Do what you need to do and leave. Decompress. Drive somewhere afterwards. Listen to some music of your choice.
If you do have a moment when you need to lose your composure, just do it. Go into the restroom or outside.
I will be thinking of you, and just know there are others that feel the way you do. Dreading mothers day.

Why do you feel it is wrong to honor your feelings? Cry if you need to. Seek comfort or spend time alone if you don’t feel like seeing anyone.

You don’t have to share the specific details about what is going on.

Obviously, your situation is painful for you. You might rather speak about this privately first with someone that you trust. Please don’t keep it bottled up and remain in misery.

Know that you will have support from many people on this forum. We have all been through difficult situations ourselves.

I encourage you to do whatever is best for you right now.

Your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. You don’t have to sacrifice anything if it is too emotionally exhausting for you to see your mom.

So much pressure is placed on us during holidays, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas, etc.

We can choose what we feel is best for us. We can start our own traditions instead of doing what is expected from us. Don’t place extreme pressure or unhealthy expectations on yourself.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time. Take care. Sending you a hug today!

I found this, in case this can help anyone else. A short "Calm" video: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/nZK9akzs2So

Crying is the appropriate reaction here, HUGS

If you're this upset, how can you just flip a switch to pretend all is well and you're in a great mood? Maybe just send a gift to mom on Mothers Day and call her, saying you're feeling ill and don't want to spread disease, rather than faking your distress. Take some time to sort out your feelings and also why you feel "forced" to care of a toxic person?

Best of luck.