pamela6148

Pamela,

How have you been doing? I hope this e-mail finds you doing as well as possible.

Here's long summary of how I'm doing.

I'm glad that you are back to working on genealogy. Likewise, I'm back to digging into my mother's side more as well since dealing more with my own issues as well.

Last week, I had the most eye opening therapy session of all! My therapist said it would help me to look over the titles of my 'movies' that I've made and see my progress from being so wrapped up in my anger toward mom as well as others to now really working on my own identity apart from them with still needing to address one thing that is at the very core of all of this family of origin mess. Yeah!!! Progress.

This "light bulb" moment has captivated my attention ever since Tuesday. So, I've been creating and editing another one of my therapy films which I've shared before is my new way that I've found to work through things. Some people journal, etc., but for me over the last 5 years of the 8 I've been in therapy, these 'therapy films; help a lot in both working through things and letting my therapist know where I am in the process of working through all of this. Some emotional issue are best expressed through visual arts than through written or spoken words alone, particularly when they are very deep. In reflecting over my film today, I'm certain my therapist will agree with me that I'm part way there, but this is more difficult to work through. I can tell that I'm objectifying and intellectualizing my emotions, (that's also a first of being so self-aware) in this film because I've written the script mostly in third person than in first person. In some of the past films, my wife was sometimes one focus of my anger, but in these last two I've written the script such as she is the third person via the very heart of my family of origin issues are told and or explained in a very supportive tone. I can tell that she understands some of it from our conversations, but intuitively, I think she understands more than words are really needed for, plus she's had to deal with many of the same issues of enmeshment with her own mother while mine are a bit different being between an intrusive mother and an only child, son.

I think the bottom line of what attracted me to my wife was feeling more comfortable with her than anyone else which has really been demonstrated as very true while I've been working on my family of origin stuff. She's told me that her mother had put so much distrust and fear of men in her that amazingly, I unlocked all of that, (plus as I learned later she was in therapy and dealing with some other stuff which she trusted me with knowing much later that is TMI). Plus, she was very comfortable with a mama's boy who focused more on the needs of others like I had with my mother and did not mind someone being intrusive as my mother had, so it was like I found someone like my mother for that's what I was comfortable with. Looking back I don't think a non-mommy's boy could have relaxed her defenses and I don't think I could have married a healthier woman who did not like such a feminized man. We did spend 5 years in dating and experienced some high anxiety times before we got married. Despite all of our problems individually and together their has been this sense of accepting each other issues and all plus the way my mother raised me made me feel comfortable with the role reversal that our marriage reflects and how my mother raised my wife be a little more like her mother's relationship with her dad who like me was a very nurturing person. Now, we have both had to work on boundaries so that our marriage does not totally reflect my mother's second marriage or her mother's marriage, but some things just can't be totally changed in one generation. I agree with what my therapists, SIL and friends including my friend from high school who has always been like a sister to me that I've functioned much more like the nurturing, submissive wife in this marriage, but hey we survived and my therapist tells me that we have a sense of togetherness and a "romance life" that few people in their marriages have.

Since the night before my uncle's funeral, I've not been sleeping at all. I've had the generalized sense of anxiety and yesterday I washed and waxed all three vehicles with the idea in my head that I need to have these done before my mother dies, but I have no reason for thinking that she's going to die right now. Her dementia has gotten far worse and the social worker told me two weeks ago that I'm going to really see her go down hill now. Part of my anxiety this week might be related to this new light bulb in therapy. I know my wife loves me, understands, and accepts me more fully than anyone except my therapist and God, but I'm not so sure about others but at this age I'm worrying less about what others think of me. This, I think, is a big part of deciding and being comfortable with who I am and want to be when I grow up or like my therapist said once my mother is dead and it's fully just me and my wife. I've always been far too concerned with what others think and in self-denial I used to make fun of 'mommy's boys' and I was at one time very judgmental, but now it is more 'but by the grace of God go I" or so what that's a legalistic issue and not a plain biblical issue. All in all, I'm not fundamentalist like I once was in reaction to my mother's nominalism nor am I liberal. I am a Christian in agreement with the Apostle's and Nicene creed plus the other ecumenical creed of the Church before it divided into eastern Othodox and Roman Catholic apart from the religious trappings of denominationalism. My dad's side of my family is Roman Catholic and my mother's is Presbyterian. My own spiritual growth led me to see strengths and weaknesses in both plus seeing the same in my journey with charismatics, Pentecostals, fundamentalists and holiness Christians. I appreciate all that I've learned, but in my mid 20ties I had grown up enough spiritually to chose for myself what church to join which is United Methodist although right now I have post denominational stress syndrome.

hi pammy , thinking about ya , wanna give u a hug , so here is the hug .
hope all is well at ur way ., here s ok same old crap . uti infection still hangin around pa . antibodi s trying to get rid of it .
dr next tues , hope uti be gone by then .
take care , xoxox

Hi-I am doing fine-my son is still with me and his daughter will be heading back to college soon and his son was here for two days, I am still busy decluttering my house storing lots of things in the shed-my husband liked clutter but I do not so it is nice to have space. I am enjoying have two bird feeders and a bird bath outside the window near my chair and have a wide varity of birds visiting plus rabbits and squirles and a mother deer and two little one passing by from time to time. I am doing a lot of reading and enjoy my time at the senior center and tomarrow will do cancer pads and have lunch there and then meet with our book club and on Fri go to our knitwit group-I am making a lap robe for a friend who gave me the rest of her mother's yarn using the yarn that was her mothers so she will have something to remember her Mom-also going out to lunch with friends. How have you been our site has been very active and a lot of strong opions voiced. Catch me up with your life dear friend.

Thanks for the birthday wish! I got so many flowers, that I ran out of vases. Take care!

hi there , have a happy day . xoxo

Love that picture.
Pamela, how are you and how is your mom?
Missed you a lot and we all hope you're ok.
lovbob

Just hanging in there, you? I went to the doctor today to see what she can do about my stupid feet. I have what seems to be neuropathy causing my feet (especially my right foot) to burn. My grandpa had it, and my mother has it so I guess I'm doomed. It can be caused by either vit B12 deficiency, thyroid stuff & diabetes. I didn't have diabetes or thyroid problems three years ago, but I guess she's gonna test me anyhow. Then I get to go through a nerve test that she tells me is painful (goody). You know I'm gonna go through all this just to find out it's hereditary and there's NOTHING that can be done, you wait. ha.

You are welcome! Been at this for 4 years now, and still don't know what to expect from minute to minute! Mom was way out of it today. Talking gibberish and not processing anything said to her. Just a bad day I guess. Kathy

I hear that!! Thanks for the note!! :)

Love you photo! I miss swimming!!!