naheaton

I agree. But if I show it to him, seeing I wrote what I wrote, he'd be pissed. But I think I can gleen valuable insight, and perhaps toss it on the table. I dont think he realizes if he does move in, Im sooo gone. I am looking to establish a future; not take a million steps backwards and never see a future other than a cement cellar wall.

Thanks, I am looking for the nitty gritty, I seem to have some OCD in me, it makes reality a little easier to cope with when I know all of the ins and outs of everything, They discontinued her general meds and keep her on the "maintenance comfort drugs, they say she has about two weeks, just in time for Easter.

thank you for the update, any thoughts are helpful in the pre griefing process.

Hi! How are you doing?

Hey where are you? Haven't see any comments from you in a while and I worry about you when I don't hear from you.

Actually Mom said the other day that she should have made the move sooner because she now has much less agravation in terms of looking after the place she lives in. My Dad took care of all maintenance around the house, so she never had to do it until he was gone. So, in one sense, she is happier where she is than she would be at her home, but not as happy as she would be if dad were still around. I wish we could turn back the clock, but it just doesnt work that way. I am sure your mom appreciates what you are doing for her.

hugs to ya...

Tom

Hi Nancy - Please forgive me if I'm sending a 2nd reply to your message. I remember writing to you but it doesn't appear on my wall. I'm either having a senior moment or I didn't hit the submit button after my first reply - ugh....anyway, here goes..
Honestly, I'd love to sell Mom's house because of the worry I have over it's condition but there are legal & family issues that mean we must wait to sell. Legally, it's 70% mine and I'd have to pay capital gains taxes which I want to avoid for a while. One of my brothers is also ill now and needs a low-cost place to live. He lived at her home for 5 years so we feel a responsibility to help him remain comfortable and remain in a familiar place as long as possible.

As far as Mom goes, keeping her house is a double edge sword. On one hand she feels comforted to know it's there, full of her belongings just as she left it. She also feels good that my brother is living there since she trusts him to keep up the house and yard. She often says "I wish I could be home" or "I'd like to go home but I doubt he'd have me back." Each time we use the same sort of reply, " It's not that he doesn't want to help but it's not safe for you to be there. You need more help than he can give you. The halls are too narrow for your wheelchair and we can't afford to remodel the bathroom to accommodate your wheelchair or more grab bars. The shower is not safe either. You don't have the strength to get yourself something to eat anymore. Paying someone to help you at home would cost more than being here." My family and I sat down and very deliberately came up with these responses. We also remind her that our brother helped her for years and now it's his turn to have some freedom, especially since his own health is deteriorating. Though my Mom's very intelligent she can't argue when we say it's not safe. I expect to have this conversation with her during every visit or phone call, sometimes I'm surprised and she doesn't say anything but she usually does. Expecting it helps ease my own anxiety for some reason.

She is starting to blame her ailments on being "in this place", it's denial I suppose. We saw the same things when our grand parents moved from their homes. They asked to "go home" even though there was no longer a home or apartment waiting for them. It's not a physical place they want, it's the feeling of being with the very familiar people and things they remember. As we know, often those people have passed already. The best way to deal with these requests is to use the "un-safe" answer or to re-direct their attention to something else - a crossword puzzle, coffee and pie, a TV program - anything. We can be sure they will ask again so having a reply ready will help. Talk with your siblings and others who visit and ask them to use the same replies that you do. Hearing the same message from others will help solidify it in her mind.

It might sound cold but for your own sake, I suggest detaching emotionally if you can - not from your Mom of course but from this issue. I know it's hard and it takes practice - I'm able to do it most of the time now and it only took a year! ha, ha... You have to remind yourself over and over that you are doing what's safest for your Mom. She might not like it but that's your responsibility now. Think about all the things your parents did while you were growing up - often they probably didn't want to lay down the law but they did to keep you safe and teach you right from wrong. Obviously what ever they did worked, the result is a caring daughter!

If you have any advice or want to share your tactics with others, I blog at help-4-mom.blogspot.com. I'd love your comments, suggestions - anything that might help someone else. It's not a commercial venture - no ads, no product recommendations (unless we actually use something and it's great) - I just want to offer practical advice that helps people and elders in these situations. I also want to offer my emotional experiences so that others understand the guilt, frustration, saddness and relief at getting help is normal. You'll notice that I also offer some cautions when I hear weird situations - a friend Mom died of a Vitamin d overdose and another's dad had a similar experience due to too much fortified OJ! Anyway - take a peek and know your comments would be welcome.
good luck and let me know how it goes.

Hey there
I just read one of your recent comments and thought it was right on as well as hilarious. You wrote: "ou can always use GUILT . 'It's the gift that keeps on giving.'..... I'm no good with subtleties like playing the guilt card. I'm more of a "Get over here and see your father before he dies. You lazy, selfish, ungrateful person!" See? Now that, I understand :)"

I'm not very good at playing nicey-nice either. I hate having to manipulate and stroke people's egos just to get them to do their share.

Na, Ding. Ding, Ding. You were right on target with that post on the tree killer philosophy. Loved your theology lesson and Scripture quoting. Thank you!

forgive me if this is coming thru for the second time...had trouble loggin in earlier. just want to say I LOVE your response....its time I stand up to my deadbeat sibs!! Thus far I've dropped hints and asked, to no avail.....I've nothing to lose. thanks so much for responding to my post.