edvierajr

Thanks Ed I will be looking into the advice you shared with me.
Good Day, Tim

Here is a hug just for you. You need it daily....This way you can see it...

Very good advice most counsulors would not agree with you but when you have talked to them until you are blue in the face and it is not working the best from my experience is to say nothing I felt better when using that method with the husband I feel he missed out I was his only friend in his last months but refused to play the game.

You are right. The dynamic that we keep seeing over and over again is at the heart of why people quit their jobs (STUPID!), sell their home (unreasonable), and destroy their marriages (emotional incest or frankly emotional adultery), so forth and so on!

I have not seen you around in a while. It's good to hear from you. Have you read my posts from the thread "My husband told me that we are done and he wants a normal life versus me running back and forth taking care of my mother. Has anyone else dealt with a spouse leaving them?"

Here's my armchair sociologist blunt explanation for what we are seeing.

These daughters and the very few sons that we have heard from or about on this site come from child centered homes and not parent centered homes. Thus, the parents and usually the mother find emotional fulfillment in their children instead of in their spouse.

I believe this is the major theme of families in the bible belt south because in that same context the role of the wife is understood at being a continuation of the mother's job and so the wife treats her husband like a little boy and he behaves like one, but if he gets a wife, somehow by mistake, that will not function like his mommy, then he gets all mad.

To be fair some parents are just plain ignorant of how damaging a child centered family is. On the other hand, some of these moms and dads are either undiagnosed narcissists or borderlines. All of the above end up making the child and normally a daughter feel obligation to the parent. The son(s) with enough ego strength get away from such sick people and want nothing to do with them understandably.

These F.O.G. buttons are deeply planted in the child growing up. Some don't even need pushing for when the aged parents decline that child ends up leaving everyone else and everything else behind. Truth is, that in the case of a woman, these men never were really married to begin with for the little girl had never left home or she would not be so blind to what she was doing that she is shocked that he's left and then waits months or if ever to ask for help in dealing with it or is so glad that her husband (acting like a daddy) sat her down for a very important conversation.

These child wives and child husbands are enmeshed with one of their parents, and it seems normal to them, but it is not for in fact they are victims of covert incest in which the parent has related to them like a partner. The isolated spouse feels the same kind of abandoment and disgust over a lack of faithfulness that the spouse whose wife or husband is having an affair. That we call adultery regardless if it is a heterosexual affair or a homosexual affair.

When the adult child has not married but is still enmeshed, we call that emotional incest and they are victims of covert incest even if it is mother and daughter although covert incest takes place heterosexually more often. So, what do we call these child spouses who are all connected to mom, normally, or sometimes to dad to the point they destroy their marriages and leave their jobs, etc? You tell me. In my opinion that is as much adultery emotionally although it is with a relative. Frankly, they are more married to mom or dad than they are to their spouse and sometimes I want to say to them, it's no surprise to me that you are divorced because mom is almost like God to them.

So, when parents decline, the husband or wife is going to fine out just how really married they are. These mommy's or daddy's girls adult children or mamma's boys adult children are both equally difficult to be married to for very long and it does not always take parent's getting older to show how weak the foundations of these marriages really are.

I know this answer will not win friends and influence people, but these are conclusions that I've come to over a long time. Let me know what you think.

Thanks for the Ditto on the I'm going to quit my job to take care of my mother thread. Looks like people are willing to sacrifice their job, their children and their spouses all for taking dare of almighty mom as if she is God and as if money is going to fall down from heaven or that social services will not come and take their young as well as neglected children due to not enough money and then they end up homeless and probably in a mental hospital which maybe is their problem anyway.

Thank you so much. We took mom to her doctor today and she told us to expect a slow decline, that it wouldn't get easier. We asked about increasing her dementia medication. At this point, we know 24-hr care is a must. When I want to get sad over this, I remind myself of the full life my mother had and am thankful she doesn't have a painful illness.

LOOKING FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE?

Go to nationalresourcedirectory.gov and search under "financial assistance for caregivers." Do the same at medicare.gov.

Hi Ed, I feel very selfindulgent even writing to you. You seem to provide a lot of support and encoragement for people in very hard situations and I am just feeling sorry for myself . I also already know what I need to do but just don't have the courage.
My 84 year old mum has been living with us for 8 years and it has recently become very diificult as my husband is saying it is time we had our life together. We get a break if we can convice her to go and see other family members but this time has been 7 months and after we asked her to go for a holiday she took to her bed for 4 days.
She is very alert and is independant in most of her needs but does have a paralysed leg from polio as a child,
Why am I writing to you and bothering you ? I don't think my marraige is going to survive , and my best friend ( my husband ) has turned into someone I dont know anymore. He wants to confront this head on , I want to wait for the right moment ( I just dont know when that will be )
At the moment I am thinking that I will move into a tent in the middle of the Northern Territory where no one can find me. How pathetic is that .
Do you know what is worse ? I am a nurse . I do know better .
Well this turned out to be longer than i thought it would be ........ I know there is nothing you can do , but at least you were someone to write to and I am thankfull for that .. Best Wishes from Kaye in Australia

You are a true blessing......please don't ever stop.

Thank you

We have been advised that her anger towards my brother is because he has been the closest to her in the past few years. He lives much closer and has more time to visit her. He looks after her finances and house, both inside and out. He has been a good son and is deeply hurt. We have had medical advise which has put it all into perspective. Dementia patients seem to gravitate to one person to take it out on...and this has been my brother.