anne123

Anne: How u be? Summer is drawing to an end and I hope you have had many great adventures.
Still living between a rock and a hard place here...but, trying to find the humor in it :o)
take care,
Lilli

Thank you so much for your kind message. Yes, it is difficult. What I am doing now is waiting for a bed to come open in a nursing home. It has become increasingly difficult to care for her with her diabetes. She is extremely noncompliant when it comes to blood sugar monitoring. I can test it every morning but she absolutely refuses to allow me to test it when she "claims" it is low and it always, always descends into an argument. This is of great concern to me where her mental health is concerned and it is very debilitating for me. Add to this my schizophrenic brother who is given to both paranoid and psychotic episodes. This is exceedingly difficult for me ~almost impossible. After a particularly stressful episode on July 4 I came to realize that I just cannot do this anymore. I have a lot of guilt with regard to this. A lot. Nevertheless, we have chosen and done the paperwork for a nursing home. We are just waiting for a bed to come available. Once this happens and she moves in, we will begin the process of cleaning out the house and I will return to my husband and family in Virginia.

Thank you so much for the hugs. I am very, very sad and I cry a lot. I have a lot of guilt because of having to put my mother in a nursing home and my inability to care for my brother. He really is insane. I will be sure to set up services for him though. The good things about this are that my mother will be going to a really, really good nursing facility. Her doctor called it "the gold standard among nursing facilities". That made me feel better. It is the Hebrew Senior Life and Rehab, which is a nationally known nursing facility. The other thing is that my brother will be "in charge" so-to-speak. Sometimes one's perception is everything. He won't really be in charge but he will perceive it that way. My mother is his whole life. He is 49 years old and seems to have no life beyond our mother. I don't think he has any friends and does not have a social life at all. He does not live with us, but he is here every single day. I am sure he will continue to visit with our mother every day or almost every day and this will give him purpose and in the end satisfaction that he did everything he could.

I don't write in much to vent because most of the time I am so full with it that I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes I do come to the site to write and vent but just cannot seem to get it out.

Thanks so much for your caring. Hugs to you too. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Anne: I was just thinking about God today and why he waits so long to reveal his plan to we mere mortals. I always think that it is a lesson that I need to learn, or, perhaps, in helping us He is also helping some one else too (a win-win situation.) I keep thinking that our home will be perfect for a family who is desparately seeking the perfect new home just as we are waiting for that one perfect buyer. It's not that I do not trust, but I just cannot seem to muster the patience it takes to wait now. I feel under seige with no end in sight....but I NEVER lose faith (what a great gift, right?)
My thoughts are with you and hope that things are lightening up for you. I will let you know as soon as something becomes "definite." (and, yes, the hub's finding a new job was a big relief....so grateful)
Lilli

Hi Anne! So nice of you to drop by. I have been in panic mode most of last week. Mom has had a series of ER visits, doc appts., and tests. Her ailments seem to come in 3's lately. When this happens she becomes upset, wants me to stay at her apt. overnight, which I did most of last week. So I am exhausted. Am trying to get her into rehab for an injured shoulder and balance problems associated with Parkinson's. She called crying saying that I was trying to put her in a NH.
Anyway, I know that she wants to remain independent in her own home....I am trying to honor that. I don't think us living together is a good solution...we both have strong personalities and different views on things. There never seems to be a good alternative.
To top it off, hub will be moving soon to start new job and leaving me to deal with Mom and selling our home...he is so upset about it...but what can you do? I just pray that Mom can stay healthy enough for a move and that I find her a good living arrangement.
I hope your summer is going well and your "reconnection" plans with the hub are going swimmingly. My hub is my rock and I love him dearly.
So nice of you to drop by and check up on me....caregiving is so much more isolating than I had anticipated....keep me in your prayers...your family is in mine.
Sorry for the long-winded note....take care....and keep in touch...
Lilli

Thanks for the suggestion. I just woke up an hour ago. I don't think the doctor would suggest a sleep aid when I'm taking Tizandine 4mg which is a muscle relaxer and Hydrocodone/APAP 5mg/500mg for pain. The doctor wants me to take these a night and get through the day with Tylenol because these two prescriptions make it unsafe for a person to drive.

Thanks! I still find experiences like today stress me out. I am in bad shape that now two hours after taking prescription muscle relaxer and pain medicine for injured upper back muscles, I'm not asleep. I am so glad that my appointment with my therapist is tomorrow!!!!!!! I sure appreciate everyone's support and am glad to be able to offer support to others.

Tonight, I'm such an internal bundle of issues related to my mother and not that I'm going to take another 'this is how I'm doing on the inside' movie on my laptop that I made two days ago. It has been a long time since I've made one of these 'for my therapist only movies' but they help me communicate when I'm all tied up on the inside.

Thanks so much Anne. Your comment meant a lot. I've seen Dad today and since I've changed the 'rules' of our relationship - to an amount of time and money that I can afford - he's civil but quietly punishing; no goodbye kiss, for instance. However this is proof positive of his abusiveness, since abusers blame their victims. I'll be sticking to my guns and have the staff of the care home behind me. Take good care - Bluebird

Hub and I keep promising each other that, when things slow down a bit, we will take a "real vacation." He is such a gem....is inifinitely more patient with Mom than I. The more things become stressful with our situation, the needier she seems to get. I am so tired I can barely think straight. Selling our house has become an energy vampire, too.
I am glad that you and the hub are finding some together time...you both deserve it.
And thank you for your continued interest and prayers...it is getting me through this crazy time!
Lilli

Thank you for your input. I am stepping back for a little while - have sent all the information (things that still need to be attended to) to the new POA and everytime a sad thought about my mom comes into my head - I say a little prayer. She has been tough on me all of my life - being her only daughter I was like a possession. These last few weeks have brought many emotions back up to the surface. I am taking it a little bit at a time.

thank you for your imput, she and i will try playing card...