Why do elderly parents sometimes abuse their adult children?

FAN:

Usually, there are personal or situational factors that compel individuals going through age-related decline to become abusive. Whether from sheer existential angst or for the thrill of it, this kind of behavior doesn't happen in a vaccuum. And they'll keep taking it out on you because you probably have always allowed it without realizing it's abuse. Until now.

In any case, it's 5:37 in the morning and I have to get ready for work. Let's talk about this later, okay? I want to hear what your plans are, especially how you're going to leave this behind you.

Always at your service,

-- ED

The strangest part about this behavior is neither parent has ever been violent towards me until now. I was only spanked one time as a child and that was by my father. The next day he bought me flowers. It's as if they are completely different people. After the latest incident, my mom told me that my dad knew he was wrong and that it was not appropriate behavior. He did not come to me to apologize, though. I want to understand how aging can take sweet, passive, happy people and turn them into jackasses.

Have they had a medical evaluation lately. It might have something to do with the stage of their decline.

For whatever the reason, you do not have to put up with violence even from your elderly parents. If they verbally or physically threaten you with violence again, I would say call 911 to have them committed to a hospital for a full psychiatric and physiological evaluation particularly. Anytime someone is a danger to themselves or to others, their abusive behavior needs to be reported and them taken out of the house for some serious help.

Unfortunately it seems to also come out of sheer frustration of their situation. If you are the primary caregiver who deals with them on a regular basis, then you are the one they are going to take out this behavior on. As great as they may have been growing up, they are now finding themselves having to rely on others to do things for them that they feel they should be able to do themselves... bathing, bathroom, eating... as they decline it may get worse. This is what we found with our father. Also, if they have suffered even a small stroke that may have gone overlooked and if it affected the frontal lobe at all that doesn't help. We ended up getting a Psychiatrist that my father liked to come in once a week and just chat. Good luck.

I was wondering if there was such an entity that would send someone to the home to be the "referee'' so to speak to address some of these issues. As an example, the reason my dad was violent towards me last time it happened was because he did not want to be proved wrong. He mentioned the air conditioning was running even though it was chilly outside. I told him that I did not hear the AC running and I started to walk into his bathroom to feel if air was coming out of a vent. Instead of being proved wrong, he pushed me out of the way so I could not get to the bathroom. I have a balance disorder, Bi-laterial Vestibular Deficit, which caused me to fall when he pushed me. What's strange is the next day my mom said that dad knew he was wrong in his actions. Now, they are denying it even happened! I'm going to lose my mind. It's like that movie "Gaslight". Are they trying to drive me mad?

No , they are not purposely trying to drive you crazy - they may succeed anyways, I'll sure grant you that! But as sad as it is, at some point you have to understand that dementia means losing the ability to reason, as well as the ability to remember, so of course, they become unreasonable. It's not you. They really don't or choose not to remember and it would never cross their mind that it would bother you to deny something that you remember happened. They may even be trying to communicate that they *wish* it hadn't happened. Wish it was easier for all of us in this boat.

I found with my 92 yr.old mother,that the more she has to rely on me,the more difficult she becomes,I think its because she knows she isn`t able to do the things she used to do,she gets very upset,and very nasty toward me,sometimes I just want to run away,as I am the caregiver,and feel like my life is over,then I come to this site,and get good feedback,or identify with the other people,and it helps.I try to be understanding,and I know it is a hard change for mom to go through,bottom line is I will be there for her,after all she is the only mom I have.

I appreciate the feedback and things have gotten better in the last couple of days. I have showed more compassion and love and also, this is key, have relied on them for emotional support with some issues I am having. That really helped. It showed them that I still NEED them also.

My parents were abusive all my life but it continues with control and verbally as they grow older. If they feel like they are not listened to they verbally abuse and threaten to remove me from their will.

kale4na

My MIL does that all the time to my wife and to my SIL. It's called "Emotional Blackmail" and Susan Forward has written a great book by that same title.