Why am I always the one stuck spending my weekend at my mom’s while the POA and her family keep going out of town?

You don't have to say yes. They are clearly using you. Tell mom and sis that is it the POA's responsibility, not yours. And leave it at that. You just refused to be used. Sis wanted the POA so bad, now she gets the responsibility, too. You have other plans.

Pam just say no and stick to your plans she has POA let her stay home -my son traveled a lot when he was young in sports and I had to work so only saw him get one gold medal let her take turns with one of them staying home why should give up more of yourself-good guys finish last.

Yeah see Austin why can't my sister stay home and let her husband go in her absense. That's what I don't understand. But I know the real reason behind going is to GET AWAY!! Should have thought about that before they wanted POA so badly.

Pamela, I can tell you're really struggling with this. How can we help? Sounds like your mom and sister need to work things out without you, since you clearly already had plans, and shouldn't have to forsake yours for theirs. You don't think so too, do you?

SS my conscience bothers me that if I say no my sister will convince my mom that I don't care about her,again. Last time she had my mom convinced about me, I stayed away for a while (remember that time) and when I returned I was treated a lot better by my mom. Of course she told me not to touch anything because she didn't want dear old sis to say I stole anything..........but then she started accusing the "help" of stealing too. Now everybody is stealing from her and that's the disease.

I flat out DON'T WANT TO GO, but that crowemagnum FOG's theory is weighing heavy on my mind.

It's the case again of do I or don't I. Mom has called this morning twice asking if I am coming over today. I say no each time and before I hang up she says she's looking forward to seeing me TODAY! I'm not going TODAY! and I don't want to go over there this weekend and have to stay the whole weekend.

Again it was not my sister who called, it is my mom. She's doing that on purpose using my mom as a bargening tool and when she does that it bothers me.

As long as I stay away, and go by as a visitor, I'm OK. Last week I was over there 5 days in a row, gardening. The "help" can water the veggies, and the geraniums, and the impatients, and greens, tomatoes, squash....(enough already). But I just don't want to go over there today and I certainly don't want to get stuck over there the entire weekend. If I don't go this time it will be the first time I will have flat out REFUSED to go due to prior plans. I do worry what alternative they will take and I worry about what my mom will be convinced of and how long it will take me to make her realize I had plans.

But more so I know her mind is not in the place it should be in. She is still worrying about things not being in place. I can see it on her face as she sits there and looks out the window. It's not an empty look, it's a look of "Lord what am I going to do". I'm sure we have all seen this same look in our parents eyes, it's desperation, fear, challenge, confusion....it's a mirror of our very thoughts.

Can ya dig it?

Pam,

You've been played by your mother and your sister like one of the scenes in the TV show 24 that I saw last night. You did real well getting out with your son a while back which was a victory and I hope you still feel good about that.

If you get a chance to visit a site about dealing with a family member who has borderline personality disorder, you will most likely find the anacronym F.O.G. or in the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Thanks for alerting me to your post here and I look forward to choping it up with you. However, I'm not a therapist and what I do share really can't replace face to face therapy. You really need someone who can help you get more and more victories over the F.O.G.

Crowe the reason I alerted you was because of the conversations we've had about the control mothers have over their children, or the control we LET THEM HAVE over us.

When I was typing something on another thread, I thought about my mom knowing that I have the garage sale coming up and in her own way is still trrying to control me by NOT allowing the sale to proceed.

It was just a thought.

Hi, Pam, I'm not sure I understand your whole situation, but from what I can gather, it looks like this was "sprung" on you at the last minute--- the request for you to spend the weekend at your sister's (and Mom's) house. You had already made plans to have a yard sale. This is too late for you to change your plans. So in fairness to you, you could ask that, in the future, they would give you at least two weeks' notice ( or three or four---whatever works for you) if they will be needing you to stay the weekend over there when your sister and brother-in-law are traveling. Another thing you might consider, and this is just a suggestion, is splitting the cost with your sister of overnight care for your Mom when she has to leave town. (However I don't know what financial arrangements you and your sister have set up, and this may not work for you.)

As for what to do THIS coming weekend, I don't have a ready answer....I guess I would be honest with your sister and Mom and tell them the bind you are in now because of your yard sale. Perhaps they and you could brainstorm and come up with another solution which would allow you to stay at your home for your sale. If you decide to find a way to stay there AND run your yard sale, I would still be sure to ask them to, in the future, give you at least two weeks' ( or more) notice. If you ask for this in a respectful way, they will be more apt to see your point of view and cooperate. Good luck.

I remember how much we have talked about the control issue between parent and child. My does 'confused' have a story about her boyfriend being so control by his mom. Talk about the perfect "mommy's boy" who'se been sposified. Poor thing unless he gets serious help, he's stuck to live in the basement of his 'mommy dearest's' house now that her husband is almost dead of cancer. How tragic!

Your mom knew you had this sale planned, worked against it, and then sprung this on you at the last moment which caught you off guard as well as led you to agree without remembering the yard sale.

Let's keep chopping up this control thing we've been discussing. I guess you can tell that my recent posts related to this topic have gotten bolder and extremely concrete. People in crisis don't deal with hints very well in general.

I've got an extreme amount of stuff on my plate from today's therapy session and I'm probably going to need to cool it for that energy might be fueling me being so blunt lately.

Ann,

I think I've read what Pam has written in many places but our writing on each other's walls, that I have a good handle on what's going on here and she's seeing if for what it is and is trying to set up boundaries which will help set her free from her mother's intention controlling personality through F.O.G. Fear Obligation and Guilt.

Pam, I assume the yard sale has already been advertized in the paper and you have already got all of your ducks in a row for it. Since you did tell your mother about this weekend, I don't think this could really be called a bind that you found yourself in. It's a totaly disrespect for plans you had and had shared earlier. So, if anyone should be in a bind it really needs to be resolved by you mother and sister who have imposed this knowingly upon you with the feeling that you are such a good person that you want mind them being so intrusive.

It's only Tuesday night! Dang it my emotions are so on edge that I feel a bit like Admireal Perry who once said "D___ the topedoes" and he sailed forward in his attack, but my gut is telling me to be honest about your feelings saying I feel this instead of the defensive attack mode of you made me feel this. Somehow, my friend, you must close off this triangle they have put you in by taking responsibility for your plans and put their responsibility back in their lap! This is not the time for polite walking on eggshells hoping they will see the light@! Naw, they have their own light and they want to put you in the dark.

All these cotrol stories that I read here just add fuel to the fire within my soul that burns over my own control freedom issues along with the stories of others.