Please help. Am I a selfish horrible person if I want my mom to leave me alone sometimes?

Dear karenp, I think the comment above is not at all helpful to you. You need help, not someone to tell you that you should feel lucky that you have a mom and should love her more and give her a big hug.

It's a tough situation for you and there's no easy or perfect solution. I would suggest that you focus on acceptance of your mother's behavior and find ways that you can go on with your life even if she's sitting on your couch. If she makes comments when you want to go to a movie with your daughters, she is being unreasonable. You can respond to that by giving in, being angry, and trying to change her, or by doing what you want and knowing in your heart that it's unreasonable for her to need you so much. By the way, does your mother live by herself? If so, you really need to try to get her into a home. Many seniors fiercely resist going into a home, but once they get there find that they have a big circle of new friends and activities.

Ultimately, you hold the power, not her. She needs your help and companionship, but there is a limit to what you can give. If you can get past your guilt and do for yourself what you need, at least one of you will be happy. Your mother will not be happy even if you see her every day. She is looking for something deeper that you can't give.

Best of luck to you.

Karen, your pain and stress come through so clearly in your plea for help. That alone should alert you that something needs to be done about your situation...and soon. Your mother needs you and depends on you, but so do other people. She is putting so many demands on you that there seems to be little left over for anyone else, much less for yourself. All of her good attributes that you mention do not discount her exerting such psycological control over you. It sounds like she is living on her own and able to take care of herself for the most part. She is making the choices to isolate herself from other people. She is the one who refuses to try to make friends, even though there are countless women in her age group who would love a friend to do things with. She won't even give the senior citizen center a chance. In other words, she has made you her world by wielding power over you through manipulation and guilt. From what you say, she even takes no joy in her grand children. At least, there seems to be little interaction between them. Perhaps, since she seems to be such a nice woman from your description, she has a touch of dementia and has no idea how her demands are affecting you and your family. Regardless, you'll be no good to her or to your loved ones if you continue to let her rule your life via guilt and manipulation.

The fact that you say you feel that you could eventually hurt her or yourself shows how stressful the situation with your mom has become. You need to take a stand, even though it will be hard and it will be unpleasant initially. Get caller ID if you don't already have it. Don't answer her calls unless you want to talk to her. If you have things that need to be done...do them without feeling guilty. Set aside two or three days a week that are for her...Tuesday & Thursday for example. Let her know that these are the days that are hers and she can choose how to spend them. If she demands your attention on other days, gently remind her that 'I have other things I need to do today, but I'll see you on Thursday.' She will immediately go into her guilt producing mode, but you don't have to continue to let her victimize you. Know in your heart that you are doing what is best for you, your family, and ultimately for her. If she chooses to refuse to interact with anyone else, or shuns any effort at making friends, that is her choice to make and should have no reflection on the choices you make for yourself and your family. You should enjoy the time you spend with your mother, but that will not be possible as long as you are filled with resentment because she demands so much of your time. Make an assessment at a time when you are calm and decide how much time you can reasonably devote to your mother without sacrificing your sanity and your peace of mind. Make a plan and stick to it. She will be unhappy at first and will try to push your buttons as she has done so effectively for so long. Resolve not to cave in and let her win. If you are persistent and stick to your well thought out plans, she will probably come around in time. If she isn't getting the reaction she wants out of you there will be no point in her continuing to attempt to control you.

I would add one more thing. If she hasn't had a medical evaluation recently, you should consider taking her to her doctor. Go with her while she is being examined so you can hear first hand what the doctor's opinion is. If she is suffering from dementia or any thing else that might explain some of her behavior, this needs to be addressed. Her needs should be taken care of, but not all of her expectations can be met. She needs to understand this. And speaking of needs, make sure to take care of yours too. Both you and your mother will enjoy your time together more if you are relaxed and happy. Don't feel guilty about limiting the amount of time you can give to your mother. Planned visits that you can look forward to are far more rewarding for both of you than several long visits each week that you dread.

Hi all,
Mostly great advice here. All situations being different there are still many commonalities.

As hard as it is not to allow yourself to be manipulated, that really has to be step one. No one can MAKE you feel guilty. That is a personal choice. You have done nothing to be guilty of...so don't put it on your self.

Another thing that interested me in your situation, you said you live in your mother's old house? Could that be adding to her feelings of just wanting to be there? I know when my daughters come home to visit and stay over, I just love knowing they're there...in their rooms. We don't have to be doing anything, they're just there and it feels right. And I am only 53 years old.

It sounds kind of like when our kids were little and they would be playing in the room at our feet. We weren't necessarily DOING anything, we were just close to each other. Could that be what she is feeling?

Start on changing what you can. The doctor's visits are great but your response is not necessarily going to be determined by what a doctor finds is going on with your mother. You need some limits...some GUILTLESS limits. If you ever dropped your children off at daycare and listened to them crying as you went out the door...then peeked back in five minutes later to see them happily playing...you know what I mean. Your Mom will adapt and be happier when you adapt and are happier too.

I know that when you get really old, they say it's like a second childhood. But when you're raising children, they DO grow up, they DO become independent and most of them DO move on with their lives. My husband and I were looking forward to the 'empty nest' so we could have privacy again. Remember privacy? But for you that are living with parents that will NEVER become independent again, NEVER grow up, I feel for you. It's not fair to make the correlation between raising healthy, active children to an Alzheimers/dementia affected person. I understand what Lilly was trying to say, but it's different. The commitment may still be there to take care of the parent/husband but the circumstances are greatly different, with nothing to look forward to (like with children) than for it to just stop.

karen,

I believe you are doing the best you can. I hope everyone who is reading this is realizing that lhardebeck is taking care of her dad and not her mother. I feel the emotions can differ greatly from mom to dad. Dad's may not be as demanding as a mother-as her story states he says please and thank you. This tells you he is appreciative of any attention at all. It may just be behavior of the individual but something tells me it is the mother guilt that is so tiring and stressful.
Karen, I hope for yourself you will take the time away from your mother. She has been blessed with you who will take her in-
she sounds like it takes alot to make her happy. You will never please. Who is going to make you happy?? It has to come from you--enjoy your family!! This is your time. You don't have to wait to enjoy yourself....who knows what the future holds for you!! You are obviously of good health, and should take time to enjoy your life, your mother did for herself. Set some non-guilt time for yourself. Start small doses and increase frequency. Parents don't ever seem happy no matter how much you give...So, make yourself happy--nobody else will!!!
I am so supportive of your efforts, I admire you!!

lcg

icg and karenp,

I think it's so good you both can talk about these things. It helps me, too. Being on these boards helped me NOT have my mother live with me. It also helps to know that what I've been through is NOT normal, and that I'm not alone, and it wasn't ME that had the problem but my mother. And I'm realizing my dad covered up a lot for her, and he wasn't real nice to do that, as he helped her abuse my sister and me. Actually, he wasn't real nice to me at times, either. They did what they had to for appearance sake, only to look good in the eyes of others. Little did/do others know what was/is going on behind closed doors!!!!

If I had thought of tape-recording or video taping back then, we could produce unbelievable TV sitcoms, and make tons of money. My husband said he thought that they were like what he thought was so fake on TV. He said he didn't know people really lived such false lives as he had seen my folks do. And he didn't just come out bashing them, but kept it to himself quietly. He only talks like this sparingly to me, to reassure me that I wasn't the problem they said I was; instead the real problem was with them. (Not that I was perfect.) Whatever it took to take a negative focus off them, even at my expense. They'd lie and cover up to save face and ease their guilt. I alone know the truth, and my sister, who is now trying to steal all the inheritance. So she saddles up to mom (while secretly despising her) just to be on her "good side," (against me) and keep the machine spinning. Sick demented games. It makes my stomach hurt. How can people be so wicked to their family?

It is hard for my mind to wrap around the stories I read on these posts, and the ones played out in my own family. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers at the hand of the kind of abuse so many have encountered here. I feel because I know. I hurt because that's the proper response to such abuse. And I grieve because it happened, and is happening to me. While I can't really help another, I do understand. And it is awful!

To survive, we had to deny things, and often told ourselves, "It's not that bad." But to read it here in print breaks through that denial. It's kind of freeing to just get it out in the open and admit that things were not rosy, but more like a thorny briar patch. With parents so good at "spinning the truth," and intimidating us into submission and compliance, who would have believed us anyway? Even today, they have their ways of fooling others, manipulating us (well some more than others), until we finally learn that enough is enough, and start to set some boundaries. Sometimes the learning curve is great, and often much delayed.

What's hard is when those who don't understand say things like, "Just do this...get boundaries, or take care of yourself." First we have to learn what that means and how to do it. People who haven't been through what we're talking about haven't got a clue how hard that is, and don't always have the patience or grace to understand. And sometimes people heap unrealistic expectations on Caregivers, and produce crippling guilt and condemnation which doesn't fit the circumstances. Sometimes that makes it harder to maintain hard-won boundaries, putting some into a defensive position. NOT caring for a parent at home is sometimes necessary for the offspring of an abusive parent. Those who had nurturing, loving moms and dads may not always understand that. It can't always be all about the ailing parent, but must also take into consideration the ones whom they affect and how. Each of us has to decide for ourselves what we can handle, and what we cannot. That's sometimes not a clear cut boundary or process. When dealing with cognitive issues, life just isn't black and white. Each situation and the people involved are different. I think it's important to remember that what works for one person might not work the same for you or me. What a journey!

aww . she just loves begin with you and yuo are her best friend , she is also feeling safe begin around you .
knowing she s up at the age and is scared of begin alone .
my dad is 86 yrs old , he does not like to be around people otherthan me .
so i know what ure going thru , he moved in with me cuz he needed care 24-7 and i was willin to do that . at least ur mom is not begin loud or abusevie and causin you all kinds of problems ,
better enjoy her now cuz my friend she aint going to be around forever ,
my dad stays in the living room and i stay out in family room where my computer is and i take my break away from him . he ususaly sleeping or watching tv . i tried to get him move around do excerise . noooooooooooooo he says ,
your mom loves you and wants to be with you . i wish i have a mom . i lost her 20 yrs ago , (cancer) so dad is all i have left and i dont mind him sittin in living room and smile every time i see him .
im very close to my daughter and i think i ll do the same thing when i get old . im 47 ..:-)
give your momma a big hug for me ....

Make your answering machine your best friend. You set the limits on what feels comfortable for you. Help her with her legitimate needs: food, shelter, clothing. Hire help for her home, health, transportation needs. Have her call the bus, or a private transport service. Who said you HAVE to do it all? If she has money, she can afford help. Boundaries are a wonderful thing, and guilt is not. You can do this. We didn't do enough boundary-setting, because we felt so much was our responsibility. It was not. We regret some of the decisions we made because one parent did not appreciate all we did for them. Violating your own boundaries leads to anger and resentment. Only YOU can change that. You cannot change your mother. With your backbone in place, train yourself to say, "No," "Sorry, not today," "Not right now," etc. It'll be OK. You're not mommy's little girl anymore, but your own woman, and that is perfectly OK to decide what is right for you, as long as it doesn't hurt (physically, etc.) another. (Not talking about the false guilt others try to inflict on us, and we ourselves sometimes pick up.) You don't even own your mom and explaination. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." on your way out the door. Then give yourself permission to enjoy the freedom God gave you!